Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

[B0711]

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

Absolutely, I could have written this and I couldn't have put it better myself!

Is your friend's toddler the sibling of your own children, and the child of your partner?

If not, it's not really the same thing, is it?

If you ended up in a situation where there was no one else to look after your stepdaughter, so that if you didn't take her in, she would go into the care system, what would you do?

As a step parent you might be able to justify to yourself why it's fine to not care about the feelings of a child but as the father / mother of that child, I can't get my head around how they can just detach from that child that SHOULD be part of what their life revolves around.

Makes them a pretty shitty parent but it does suit the step parent and the new children.

When you only get to live with your child half or less of the time, you do get very accustomed to doing things without them, or you simply wouldn't be able to function. I think for some people that's hard to comprehend, as the very notion of not living with our children in the first place is incomprehensible - as women in particular we broadly take for granted that even if we separate, we will still be the one's living with our kids at the very least half of the time.

You might decide that for whatever reason you are too worried about their feelings to go on holiday without them, but the idea of them not being at the centre of everything you do will be something you are used to.

@Bamboux
I’ve said I would adopt my DSD but I’ve known her from birth. I can understand others being reluctant to though, depending on their individual situations.

@Bamboux
thatbwas an example of being able to care without going the whole hog

@kirinm
My 6yo DSD is here EOW, 2 days a fortnight and not through our choice but because mum moved 2hrs away (before anyone jumps on us for not seeing her enough). Do you really expect us to sit around and not do anything because she’s not here?

Shes not the only person in the family that deserves to be considered. Other people have needs to be met too.

Its horrible to assume that myself and my DC prefer for my DSD not being around too. We love her, she’s part of the family but I’m not going to put all of our lives on hold because we don’t see her as much as we’d like. She wouldn’t do the same for us and I wound the expect her to either.

Are you a step mum, @kirinm ?

people are free to decide for themselves, what works best for themselves and their own family units

Who are the “people” deciding what is best though? And best for whom?

Your position is fundamentalist in the sense that you argue that step parents have no obligation to consider the needs, interests and wellbeing of their step children, and are free to take any action that suits them, regardless of the harm and hurt it might cause.

@Tandora
Projection, no one has said anything of the sort.

I understood the idea, but it's like saying that because you wouldn't take in a random homeless person from the street, you also wouldn't take in your own mother or father. It's not comparable.

I am glad to hear that you would take your stepdaughter in if the only other option was for her to go into care . I believe and hope that the majority of step-parents would do the same. All those I know in real life who have been in this position have done so.

@Bamboux
i never said that I would take her in if there was no other option but care, you’re putting words in my mouth. There’s no point you posting if you’re not going read and digest the comments you’re replying to.

Some SP don’t have much of a relationship with DSC. A SP would probably think twice about taking in a 15yo they’d met twice in their life - that is some peoples reality of step parenting.

In all honesty, I think my DSD might even prefer to live with GP rather than move 2hrs away to a new town, school, etc where she’s spent 90% of her life up until now.

There’s no blanket rule in these situations.

I'm sorry, I was referring to the post where you said:

I’ve said I would adopt my DSD but I’ve known her from birth. I can understand others being reluctant to though, depending on their individual situations.

I apologise if I misunderstood you. I thought that's what you meant - that you'd take her in if she would otherwise go into care.

The other thread being referred to was about a stepchild who was only slightly older than the OP's own children, and who lives with them 50/50. And the question was about if there were no other childcare options, no grandparents, etc. and if the only alternative was the care system.

You might as well have written , I don’t like my step daughter , I want her dad all to myself and only my baby matters
I think you are a jealous immature woman , you should want your step daughter around you as much as possible

you should want your step daughter around you as much as possible

I think this is a new one for SM bingo

If you had an 8 yr old son with another man and your husband said “ your son can’t come on holiday with us, I’m not paying for him” would you still want to go on the holiday ? I bet you would expect him to pay

@fryanddry or we could call you what you are, ignorant and immature.

@fryanddry
A bit late to the party 😂
Can I ask if you’re a step mum…?

Look at it the other way round
they are both his children
he loves them both ,the exact same amount you love your child.
so imagine if you had 2 dc ,and a partner was trying to make you leave a dc at home ,rather than take on holidays…especially if that dc was old to understand they were being left out and feeling hurt ….you would do everything you could to include both of your dc…that’s how he feels ..

@Summerpetal
they are being left at a home they spend a majority of their time and with OP….that does make a difference.

Sorry - RP, not OP

Think of it from DC POV:

Your siblings, everyone is treated equally, etc so we can’t go anywhere without each other. Apart from your siblings can with their mum.

It's absolutely fine to go without her.

In a blended family. Life is never going to be completely equal. It can't be. As someone of parents whom were both married multiple times (more than twice each) with more than a handful of step and half siblings, I can vouch for that, I've lived to tell the tale.

Your step daughter gets quality time with her mum on holiday on her own, your child deserves the same, as do you. Are you really going to deny your own child that special bonding time?

Step mums are always treated like dirt on Mumsnet and can't do right for doing wrong. But OP you are entitled to still be a person in your own right, with your own wants and needs. Frankly if everything revolves around the life of an 8 year old and is completely tailored to her, she will probably end up horribly spoiled anyway, learning to fit in and compromise is actually character forming and helps you realise that you are not the centre of the universe. Put your foot down now to ensure your DH isn't prioritising his first wife's tantrum over your best interests, especially whilst you are already subsiding his child.

There is a difference between taking a 2yo to Peppa Pig World during term time without an 8 year old and taking a 6 year old to Disney world during school holiday whilst the 8yo is with mum because they couldn't afford for all and the 8yo is already going to Spain with mum.

There are plans that can be made including steps children without stopping the recomposed family from enjoying their lives.

At the same time, it would be silly not to make the most of going places during school time with a toddler to do an activity the older child wouldn't enjoy anyway.

@vivainsomnia
Agreed…IMO, OP sounded as though this would be baby joining DH and OP’s holiday because she’s a baby, rather than organising a holiday geared around children that DSC would be missing out on