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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Taking step kids on holiday - AIBU?

1000 replies

B0711 · 04/04/2023 21:18

My partner has a 8 year old girl from a previous relationship and we’ve just had a baby (currently 3 months), he’s my one and only (vasectomy pending).

Now, I really want to go on holiday just me, my partner and my baby. His ex has already had an issue with us when she THOUGHT we were going on holiday without her daughter and telling us that the daughter was extremely upset etc. We have no idea where the idea came from as we hadn’t even spoken or contemplated holidays at this point.

Anyways, since that conversation I have said to my partner that sometimes that may happen. I grew up with stepdads who had kids and they didn’t come on holiday with us so to me it’s normal. Plus what if we can’t afford to take both on holiday in the future? Does that mean my child then can’t have a holiday in case of upsetting the other child? Even though the other child has a well off mother so will be holidaying plenty.

She will come on some holidays with us for definite but my thoughts on this are;

I’m only going to have one maternity year, my baby is only going to be free (in terms of cost) to take on holiday for so long. We can’t afford to take the daughter away as well, it’s around an additional £500/£700 pound especially as we’ll have to do school holidays.

My partner agreed when I told him my thoughts but im sure he thinks I’ve forgotten about the conversation as he’s now constantly mentioning his daughter in our holiday discussions, has told his daughter that we’re trying to plan a summer holiday all together so now she is excited. Like WTF?

I’m not working with being on maternity so I’m on statutory pay, but the holiday would be coming out of MY savings.

I feel like such a bitch trying to push this conversation my way but I feel like I’m being reasonable.

I only get this one chance, it’s my money, I want a stress free holiday and entertaining an 8 year old who is bored all the time is not my idea of stress free.

I might just go on holiday on my own with our son at this point.

OP posts:
Birdsbirdsbirds · 05/04/2023 00:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Bernadinetta · 05/04/2023 00:22

All your family trips sound fun.

If your DP isn’t going to come, and you mentioned upthread that you would be willing to leave baby in order to have a cheaper, more relaxing holiday, but had no one to have him, how about DP keeps baby at home while you have a relaxing solo holiday to refresh and reset from your difficult, lonely maternity leave?

B0711 · 05/04/2023 00:26

Now that would be blissful. My partner is an amazing man and a fantastic dad but I once went out for 4 hours to a social club event and he had the baby and his daughter and had to get his mum over to help. There’d be 0 chance of me getting away with him playing single dad for the week.

OP posts:
B0711 · 05/04/2023 00:28

But thank you all for your opinions. It’s given me a lot to mull over and it’s always good to see how other people perceive things.

OP posts:
Bernadinetta · 05/04/2023 00:29

Hope you manage to work something out 😊

cherish123 · 05/04/2023 00:31

Presumably you would not be paying for the 8yr old. Surely that would be her dad/mum who would pay.

givingupchocolatemonday · 05/04/2023 00:33

I really feel for your partners daughter.
At such a young impressionable age, she will be wondering why her dad isn't taking her away with him.
Don't get into relationships with someone who already had a child if your not willing to treat them as family and be included.
What an awful position your partner must be in.
Forget his ex - I'm sure she will take her daughter on holidays like you say.
At 8 years old it would have killed me seeing my dad do this and have a step mum not want me to be included in family trips.

Gymnopedie · 05/04/2023 00:34

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 00:04

Why can’t the baby go to clip and climb? I’ve taken a baby and several older children to clip and climb. What’s the issue? The baby was happy in the pram or being held watching everyone. Your baby isn’t even anywhere near mobile. Oh you mean unless your baby can do something no one is going, got it!

Oh you mean unless your baby can do something no one is going, got it!

But that's exactly what a lot of posters are saying. If the DSD doesn't go then there is no holiday.

Earlier @Blendiful posted this: With kids of different ages they are going to do different stuff. If it applies they do the same, then when SDD is over and wants to go to the cinema with dad, or swimming, or to a theme park, baby better go too, so they aren't left out yes?? No, obviously not because some things are for some kids and not for others due to age/preference/timing etc a number of things.

I think it would go further than different ages. The OP in this hypothetical thread would be told how important it is for DSD and her dad to have time together just the two of them, and it would be totally unreasonable to suggest that the baby has to go too because that would impact on 'their' time and how dare the DSM not appreciate that. The newest child could be very upset that Daddy goes off and does nice things with DSD and without them (once they're past the baby stage and actually see what happens) but the OP (DSM) would have her arse handed to her if she dared say anything.

Gymnopedie · 05/04/2023 00:36

^^
And if the father wanted to take his daughter away for a holiday without the OP and their joint child, where would be the outrage that he has TWO children?

Eyerollcentral · 05/04/2023 00:43

Gymnopedie · 05/04/2023 00:36

^^
And if the father wanted to take his daughter away for a holiday without the OP and their joint child, where would be the outrage that he has TWO children?

Yes? I personally find these split family holidays deeply weird. I have never been part of a blended family but there was a large number of children in my family, if we all couldn’t afford to go, no one went. I don’t know anyone who has ever taken half a family away. My sister has three step children and three children of her own. They all went or none went. Even when it was my sister paying because they are one family. The reality is the 8 year old in this scenario will only really want to hang around with her father and stepmother for a few more years and then she’ll likely be more interested in her own friends than either family, certainly not when she is 14 and there is a 6 year old for instance. This window of time to let the 8 year old have a real relationship with her sibling won’t go on forever.

Mamanyt · 05/04/2023 00:43

"Of course, we are DELIGHTED to have DSD with us. Her portion of the holiday will be 600 pounds. We'll expect it the week before we go. I hate to this, but right now, we just cannot underwrite her expenses."

That will probably be the last you hear of it.

holaschicas · 05/04/2023 00:44

I’m on the fence with this one…

Part

holaschicas · 05/04/2023 00:46

I’m on the fence with this one…

Part of me thinks DSD shouldn’t be excluded, part of me feels she holidays with her mum.

We would never exclude DSD from a big/main holiday but we would have a smaller holiday without her.

Yoir DH is BU to assume you’re paying out of your savings though.

Knittingisacraptherapy · 05/04/2023 00:49

I'm with OP on this issue. I've been on holiday with DH and his children (six and eight) and didn't take mine (10) and vise versa. No hassle from ex-partners, no tears from the children who didn't go.

We've also been on holiday without any of our children, why would that be considered selfish?

OP just wants a relaxing holiday with her DH and their baby after what sounds like a stressful post natal. To spend time together 24/7 and reconnect and to be able to totally relax somewhere sunny and warm with no housework or cooking so they can both look after their baby together and make some special memories.

DSD has holidays (plural) with her mum and next year she'll have a holiday with her dad, SM and little brother.

An eight year old will understand if she's reassured by ALL the adults that this is a one off and she's also promised fun days out during the holidays this year with DD, SM and her little brother.

I totally see your POV OP, I'm just really surprised that I seem to be in the minority.

B0711 · 05/04/2023 00:53

You must not have read through the full thread which I don’t blame you for. She’s included in everything. We have plenty of UK getaways planned and booked this year for all four of us and they’re all centred around her (as obviously the baby can’t do anything yet other than people watch).

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 05/04/2023 00:57

Why all the angst? It's one holiday, one year. Am I missing something? Your DSD is going away with her Mum she will not miss out. Again, it's one bloody holiday, paid for out of YOUR savings. I wish stepmothers/fathers would realise that they don't need to martyr themselves for their OH's children. Never let YOUR child miss out for the sake of someone else's. However, saying all that, you can't force your partner to go with you. Do not let that stop you. It would do you the world of good to get away with your baby, the younger they are, the easier it is! Go somewhere beautiful, potter around, please yourself. For future reference OP, your child matters just as much, never let anyone tell you that you can't do this or that for fear of upsetting DSD. She has a mother, your child has you. They should come first to you, always. I may be far off the mark here but I am sick of reading about women giving their all to men and their children but being dictated to about their own kids. Drives me mad.

B0711 · 05/04/2023 01:03

givingupchocolatemonday · 05/04/2023 00:33

I really feel for your partners daughter.
At such a young impressionable age, she will be wondering why her dad isn't taking her away with him.
Don't get into relationships with someone who already had a child if your not willing to treat them as family and be included.
What an awful position your partner must be in.
Forget his ex - I'm sure she will take her daughter on holidays like you say.
At 8 years old it would have killed me seeing my dad do this and have a step mum not want me to be included in family trips.

You must not have read through the full thread which I don’t blame you for. She’s included in everything. We have plenty of UK getaways planned and booked this year for all four of us and they’re all centred around her (as obviously the baby can’t do anything yet other than people watch).

OP posts:
Peachy2005 · 05/04/2023 01:06

Holidays with a baby are not that much fun. They centre around feeding and nap times and usually involve very early nights so are probably a bit more restful than a typical holiday. Pretty good quality time with your OH though…Having to entertain an 8 year old at the same time? Nah!

LBFseBrom · 05/04/2023 01:06

Inthesamesinkingboat · 04/04/2023 21:31

An 8 year old completely changed the type of holiday and the dynamic. Can’t you go when she will be going away with her mum?

That sounds like a fair compromise to me, assuming the girl's mother can and does go away on holiday. We don't know if she can afford to.

I don't get why the op as to pay for all of the holiday, presumably husband is earning.

Nanny0gg · 05/04/2023 01:27

@B0711 Book a holiday when she's going with her mum...

Codlingmoths · 05/04/2023 01:31

You don’t get that time back, go for it!
why doesn’t your partner contribute to the cost of holidays?
it is not your fault he chooses not to remember conversations he isn’t happy and will have to let his daughter down.

HanSB · 05/04/2023 01:33

So you paid for your partner, his daughter and his mum to go on holiday last year? Surely this year it’s his turn to pay. What gives him the right to expect a free holiday on you for him and his daughter? The holiday costs should be split fairly and you are letting yourself and your baby being walked over if your partner cannot contribute fairly. Take yourself off for a holiday just you and baby, don’t worry about them. It’s disgusting you had the discussion and he’s now building the girl’s hopes and expectations up and you are expected to foot the bill

DrMarciaFieldstone · 05/04/2023 01:34

Does she have to know if you go away on your non-contact time?

A mix of holidays with/without DSC is fine, IMO.

HomeTheatreSystem · 05/04/2023 01:47

I'm in the YANBU camp. I'd also leave your twit DH at home. No one here is asking why he had 2 kids if HE can't afford to treat them equally but you're copping it because you can't afford to pay for her to have her bezillionth holiday of the year out of YOUR mat leave savings.

Humblebert · 05/04/2023 02:13

This is a tricky one.SD may feel left out but you are obviously entitled to go away without her. I would suggest trying to build your bond with her over the years and perhaps suggesting a holiday now and again, to make her feel included. This comes from a SD who did not feel included (and still doesn’t).

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