Philip Schofield: As far as I am concerned, I no longer have a brother."

[DancingWithMashedPotato]

Philip Schofield's brother had now been convicted of sexual abuse with a young boy over a 3 yr period. Horrendous crime. Philip Schofield has now stated "As far as I am concerned, I no longer have a brother.""

Now, it's completely up to Philip how he responds to his brother in what must be a v v stressful time. I cast no judgement whatsoever, and his life in the public eye adds so many new dimensions for him that must be hard to handle.

However, his comments about no longer having a brother really cut deep and made me wonder how I'd react

I adore my siblings and I think (though obviously things might be different if it actually happened) that I couldn't bring myself to disown or abandon my brother's no matter what they did. I can imagine some very limited events which might lead to me not speaking to them for a bit, perhaps a v long time. But I think by and large, no matter what they did, however bad, while there are some things I couldn't forgive and maybe could never understand, I don't think I could disown them. AIBU?

What are your views? Are there some things you absolutely would disown your family for? Are there some generally agreed limits for what a person can tolerate from a family member before they are disowned. Is child abuse the line? Murder?

Ok late to the debate but (conveniently) for PS when his brother told him about this the victim was 16? So PS had no legal duty to report as a crime - is that right? Aside from the moral & safeguarding one.

Need to go & read up on it properly but why would his brother confide this & what occurred as a result? What was he expecting by confiding it? I just don’t buy the circumstances in which they are being presented. I read he was in a state & desperate & begged to meet PS having a crisis type thing, lost his marriage, etc etc. So he revealed it as a cry for help? For understanding? Just don’t get how or why he would blurt this out unless the person he was telling wouldn’t be altogether shocked/surprised suggesting messed up family dynamics as OP is saying or knowledge that PS has similar tastes. It’s also completely implausible that on being told this info you just say oh stop doing that. It implies he didn’t think what he was being told was that bad or that big of a deal. Suggests PS had some prior knowledge of brother’s behaviour IMO.

Oh I see @SandLResources I agree completely re his hypocrisy- it's wild! I thought you were calling other posters hypocritical for saying they would personally cut ties, apologies.

No not at all! I want to say SO much about the dripping hypocrisy and how some people still have their family members rallying around them but then have the sheer gall and audacity...I can't say much more can I? But I'm sure we'll be able to revisit this freely at some point in the future.

It’s also completely implausible that on being told this info you just say oh stop doing that. It implies he didn’t think what he was being told was that bad or that big of a deal

Yes and how did they talk about it. Was it mock horror, or giggling - oops you better stop!??

Exactly like why would he start telling PS details of parts of the boy’s body unless they were accustomed to doing that. As if PS would have shut that down if what he was telling him was allegedly about a person over the age of consent? I wonder whether really the brother was hoping for some way for PS’ people to hush the victim up & pay him off etc & P refused due to image & told him to sort himself out. Wonder if his forced coming out etc is linked in some way - brother threatening to spill the beans on him as well as the hushed up stories that were about to come out.

Maybe ??

It's frightening because people care about their children and don't want them to be abused by a family member 'just coz' their parent loves their brother/their friend and so 'can't' cut them off completely.

It's frightening people would teach their children that sexual abuse can be overlooked to an extent as long as you have happy memories with the person.

It's frightening you have DC and by your own admission wouldn't know what you'd do if your brother abused them.

I would find it hard to "disown " anyone I cared about realistically unless he has done anything to a member of my own family then that would add a whole different dimension

That doesn't mean you support their actions.

1. Me not completely disowning a sibling and visiting them occasionally in prison would not increase the risk of anyone's child being abused. There is no link whatsoever between an adult visiting a sibling in prison v occasionally, and someone abusing a child. So no need to be frightened on that front

1. Yes, that does sound frightening. Not sure what that's got to do with someone not disowning a sibling?? I would never in a million years teach a child that sexual abuse can be overlooked. How awful that would be. An adult, choosing not to completely disown a sibling has nothing to do with how that adult would treat their children, what they would teach them about sexual abuse, and how they would protect them. In my case, if a sibling committed a serious crime, i may not disown them and may visit them in prison (I think, but as I said before, I dont know if I'd change my mind if it actually happened). My children would not be allowed to see them or visit them until they were old enough to make that decision for themself. I think it would be quite weird for someone to teach a child that sexual abuse can be overlooked. I certainly would never do that. Not sure how you jumped to that.

3.I do have my own DC. I adore them to the core. I also adore my siblings. I'm lucky that my siblings and children are wonderful people and I doubt very much any of them would commit a minor crime, let alone a serious one. It just wouldn't happen. My siblings are the kindest, loveliest people you could wish to meet. That said, if hypothetically one of my siblings did commit a crime against one of my children, that would destroy me. I don't know how I'd react, I really don't. I'm sorry I can't be more concrete and tell you I'd never see the sibling again, but I can't say that. My children would certainly never see them again and I'd feel bloody awful that I'd been unable to protect them. I'd probably, in all honesty, want to end my life, but I wouldn't because that would be even worse for my children. But I'm sorry, I don't know what I'd do.

There is no need to be frightened of someone who is unsure whether they would disown an adult sibling on a completely hypothetical situation which is unlikely to ever occur, and believes they may visit a sibling in prison if they committed a crime. An adult making a decision about their adult relationship with another adult, has no baring on how this person may behave around your children or anyone else's including their own. I am certainly no threat to you or your children Aaaandbreathe, just because I don't know how I'd react in a situation which will more than likely never occur.

Actually, thinking about it (and it's not really something I want to think about or had thought about before) if my sibling did abuse my child, I think I would disown them. Yes I would, unless they were having a psychotic episode then it would be much more difficult. But I don't know. It's really not an idea I want to ruminate on that much to be honest, it's a pretty horrendous situation to contemplate and I'm lucky that my siblings would never ever do that.

I appreciate you taking the time to give a detailed response.

I wanted to add I don't mean physically sitting your child down and telling them it's ok, but your actions of continuing to visit the person even without them is 'telling' them the same thing. 'If Mum can get by it, maybe it's not so bad' (whether you say you don't condone it is neither here nor there, your actions would be saying otherwise).

I think the thing that got me the most was the whole 'not sure what I'd do'. No one knows unless it's happened to them but I cannot imagine anything other than them being immediately dead to me if they hurt any child, never mind mine.

I know I've been quite active on this thread so going to bow out now. I was genuinely trying to understand a differing opinion on this but I honestly can't so I won't contribute any further.

I understand that. I wouldn't like to think of it either, but even the quick thought I had gave me an immediate no. Perhaps it's difficult to envisage disowning if you're extremely close to your siblings but I'm sorry, I really don't get it.

Anyway, I have over stayed my welcome!

@DancingWithMashedPotato

That said, if hypothetically one of my siblings did commit a crime against one of my children, that would destroy me. I don't know how I'd react, I really don't. I'm sorry I can't be more concrete and tell you I'd never see the sibling again, but I can't say that.

I think that even vaguely considering maintaining any kind of a relationship with someone who abused your child is unusual and concerning.

I can't imagine someone hypothetically finding out their sibling abused their child and it not being a solid, unequivocal case if 'I never ever want see them again.' I find it quite shocking to hear someone say they can't say that as they aren't sure.

Like the other poster just now I can't get to grips with your thinking but appreciate we are all different and hopefully none of this is ever a remote reality for you in future anyway.

Thanks for coming back to me. Yes, I see what you mean about my actions - but I like to think I'd explain my actions to my children in a way they could understand. I already have spoken to them a little about my job (which involves speaking daily with paedophiles, murderers etc ..). My children don't fully understand it all yet, they r too young, but I'm trying to teach in an accessible way.

However, this is all hypothetical and I admit my view is biased by my job, and also by the fact I have lovely siblings so it's hard to really imagine them ever doing something so hideous. That's probably why I struggle to know what I'd do, because I can't really in all honesty, put myself into the shoes of someone experiencing this. But if it actually happened, maybe my sibling would be dead to me Aaaandbreathe, maybe.

I think it wasn't an immediate 'id disown them', (although I have come back after a little thought to say actually I think i would disown) for two reasons -

1. My siblings are wonderful people. I mean, really really lovely people. We have experienced a lot together. We have no other family (except our own spouses and children) - no cousins, grandparents etc.. parents are dead. So we r very close and they r all the family I have outside my husband and kids, and I am all they have outside their own partners and children.

1. In my job I speak compassionately with paedophiles, murderers etc.. on a daily basis. It's not that I don't understand the horrors of what they've done - I've often read in great detail what they have done and have been known to be physically sick after reading a couple of cases. But my job is to understand why they did it and requires an empathic human connection. So forming human relationships with people who have done horrendous things, is something I do every day, so maybe colours my perspective a little.

@DancingWithMashedPotato

I appreciate both those points, it's just shocking to hear that your automatic response wasn't an immediate 'never see them ever again' if the victim was one of your own children.

I don't want to dwell on it as it's such a horrible thought, I just absolutely can't get my head around knowing someone had done that to your own child and even vaguely considering for a second continuing contact with them in any way shape or form.

As I said, hopefully nothing remotely like this ever happens and it's all hypothetical anyway!

I get that

Sorry it wasn't an immediate answer

Glad this is all hypothetical.

I am actually feeling a bit ill now as thinking about things I never have before, which are not very nice, so taking a break for fresh air and coffee.

I’m speaking as someone who was sexually abused as a child, along with my DSis. We were abused by my F and others. My F, thankfully, is dead, and has been for many years, so family and friends don’t have to cut him off. My DM, however, told us that she wanted to be buried under her maiden name and next to her parents rather than next to my F. (She only found out about the abuse from us 8 years ago.)

However, we were both abused by our DB as well when we were children. He himself was also abused (though not by our F) and he is a very damaged adult, who is very vulnerable. My DM therefore will never cut him off, which I understand, but it isn’t easy when she tells me how lonely he is and how hard things are for him.

When the police investigated, he was the only person they could have charged (the main perpetrators were dead), my DSis and I were consulted and we decided that there was nothing to be gained by the case going to court. There’s absolutely no evidence that my DB is a risk to anyone as an adult. So the case has remained on file.

My DM really upset me, however, by guilt tripping me saying that my DB wouldn’t cope in prison. She didn’t appear to have any concern
about how the whole thing was impacting on me at that time! I do understand why she was so concerned, obviously, but it felt like she was prioritising him, as she so often does.

It’s terrifying. And this is why it’s allowed to happen again and again.

OP do you have children? What if you brother abused your child? Are you telling me hand or heart you’re not sure what you’d do?

I've disowned mine for less. My brother likes to sell drugs. Nice job he's got! He's dead to me, along with his wife.

Anyone on here who isn't sure they would 'disown' a member of their family for this, should be on the register. Sick people.

If you're 'not sure' you could disengage with someone who does this to children and minors, YOU should be on the sex offender's register because you are a serious danger to society.

I feel really very sorry for all the people who have had their lives upturned and ruined by this. If you're 'not sure' what you would do, you are scum as far as I'm concerned.

@DancingWithMashedPotato You should be on a register for a start. Empathising? Understanding?

You're enabling is what you're doing, and it's sick.

The thread about PS has been making me think.

Some years ago my sibling was charged with non contact online child sex offences. He was found to have 1000s of images of children in all categories across all his internet enabled devices. He completed suicide a few days after he was charged.

He never told me about the charges. I found out after his death as there was bail paperwork in his home which detailed the charge. Although he was never convicted, the information I now have makes me 100% sure he committed these offences.

I have children of my own. I'd never have allowed any form of contact with them. I'd protect them.

I still wish he was alive.

I often wonder about what relationship I would have with him had he not completed suicide. I'm sure I would have visited him in prison. I'd have wanted to understand why he committed these offences, and what if anything could have prevented this behaviour. There are so many questions. I'd like to think I could separate the offence from the person. He was more than just a child dec offender. I can't accept that offenders should be ostracised from society for life, however know I would protect my children from them.

Is my thinking skewed? Most on that thread would think so, even call me scum. Maybe I just need more therapy!

Apologies... wrong thread!