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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenager on school trip - what is normal?

122 replies

cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 10:46

Okay, I actually have two separate AIBU questions here and would really welcome some frank advice on both, so feel free to be tough with me.

My 13yo is currently on a school skiing trip, it's his first one abroad though he's been away from home before, both on a residential trip in the UK and multiple sleepovers.

His coach was affected by the Dover hold-ups so it took them a total of 36 hours to get to their location, during which time he had a total of 4 hours sleep. They arrived yesterday morning and went straight to do a full day of skiing, and then dinner and an activity in the evening.

During all of this time, he's sort of kept in touch via WhatsApp in a sort of basic monosyllabic teenage boy way. Sometimes this was saying he's okay, but occasionally to give us the odd alarming detail (like he spent the final 12 hours of the coach journey without anything to drink, and that people were throwing up). Tried to speak to him on the phone yesterday but I could tell all his friends were around and he basically couldn't talk.

Since they set off from school on Friday late afternoon, we've had no updates at all from the school - not during the 36 hour coach journey, not to let us know they'd arrived safely and nothing since. Because of all the Dover drama, I can see that other schools are constantly updating on their kids' progress on social media.

.... and so I'm generally just feeling a bit anxious. Probably not helped by the fact that he is not the most chilled kid in the world, he can be a bit of a worrier and sleep badly in new places. He does love skiing so not worried about the athletic side of things. Basically, I think I just want to know how he is and that he's feeling okay (or that he isn't.)

So... first AIBU? Should I just leave him alone, stop hassling him to message me, let him get on with it and trust that if he's in any serious trouble, school will phone me?

Second AIBU... on a trip like this, is it normal to expect any/some kind of communication from the school with updates on how they are getting on?

OP posts:
Howtohideasausage · 03/04/2023 10:49

I think leave him to it.

helpfulperson · 03/04/2023 10:50

If there is anything you need to know school will be in touch with you.

I know it's hard but you can't influence anything that's happening. I would just leave off any attempt to communicate for now.

literalviolence · 03/04/2023 10:51

This is a 'no news is good news' scenario. He'll contact you if he needs to. Try and not let your anxiety rub off on him.

Pottedpalm · 03/04/2023 10:52

yep, leave him to it.

Nimbostratus100 · 03/04/2023 10:53

just let him get on with it, the school doesn't need to be in touch at all, unless there is an emergency, and your son can contact you if he wants to.

I didn't expect communication while children were on school trips abroad, although I did get some intermittently.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2023 10:53

I appreciate that times change, but there was none of this when I went on school trips (2000s). The only time anyone spoke to their parents was if they were homesick so were facilitated a call home, and there were no social media pages. It was absolutely fine, no need to be anxious. I know we are all used to a lot more contact and information now, but honestly, we don't actually need it.

Having a trip away, not talking to mum and dad all the time, is likely to be a positive formative experience. It will take him out of it to be talking to you all the time. Plus skiing in particular is the sort of thing where you don't always have your phone handy.

I would just leave him to it, check in to say you hope he's having a good time and are there if he needs you for anything, and then just assume that if he's struggling, he will let you know.

cariadlet · 03/04/2023 10:54

School should have given a couple of updates because of the awful situation at the ports and should have let you know that they had arrived safely.

I wouldn't expect anything from the school once they are there.

I wouldn't hassle your son. If he messages you then reply but let him set the level of contact he wants. Leave him to enjoy the trip and have some independence.

Ragwort · 03/04/2023 10:54

Sounds pretty normal, I think (understandably) the current situation regarding the Dover crossing is making parents a lot more anxious. My DS has been on three school ski trips and was rarely in contact ... we didn't have WhatsApp when he first went so the expectation around contact was very different. This year he was on a Uni ski trip & was sending photos all the time Grin.
Try to accept that no news is good news ... the school WILL be in touch if anything goes wrong Sad.
Once they have arrived and getting on with skiing and evening activities hopefully they are so busy and enjoying themselves that there won't be too many memories of the awful journey.

WeAreAllLionesses · 03/04/2023 10:55

We also have a ski trip out and have sent one message to let parents know they have got through at Dover and are on their way.

Usually would not have sent anything, it's only because of the news and not wanting parents to worry. We are certainly not putting lots over social media.

Leave them to it.

Karwomannghia · 03/04/2023 10:55

Gosh it sounds horrible for him. I’d be so worried too. Hopefully he’s distracted enough not to worry about things too much and I’m sure he’ll be catching on sleep. I’m surprised the teachers haven’t been more communicative.

KittyAlfred · 03/04/2023 10:56

I would assume that no news is good news, and that the teachers have been too stressed and exhausted themselves to update parents on the unfolding drama of the journey. That said, I’m pretty sure my son’s school will put updates on Twitter when he goes away next week. Have you looked at Twitter?

Precipitate · 03/04/2023 10:56

Those social media messages are sent by the teachers who at this point are probably questioning their life choices. I think just trust that he's ok and that if there is an issue they will be in touch you.

SertralineAndTherapy · 03/04/2023 10:56

Leave him to it! No news is good news, and he'll get stick from his mates if his mum is always messaging him.

Original poster
cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 10:58

Thanks everyone - these replies are all really reassuring and what I was expecting/hoping for. I do remember that when I went on school trips my parents basically dropped me off and then didn't hear anything until I returned a week later!

OP posts:
Original poster
cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 10:58

... and definitely do not want him to be the person getting teased because his mum is always messaging him!

OP posts:
saraclara · 03/04/2023 10:59

I never heard a thing when my kids were in school trips. Once they're there, what do you expect the leaders to report to you about? And my kids were teens in the 2020s so no mobile phones or WhatsApp.

We saw them off in the coach and that was it. I think there might have been a cascade system where one parent was told that they're arrived safely, and posed that on, but otherwise, nope.

I been a bit sad that teens' independence is being limited by their parents wanting constant updates while they're away.
As someone on another thread said recently, just because the technology is available, doesn't mean one's compelled to use it. Leave him alone to enjoy his trip.

Ragwort · 03/04/2023 11:00

Can I just say a huge thank you to all the teachers who give up their own holidays to take school ski trips ... so often you get unkind comments about a 'free holiday' (& daring to have the occasional glass of wine in the evening- remember that thread?) but this experience has shown us all what a stressful and difficult situation it must be for the teachers when things don't go according to plan. I can't imagine much worse than being the responsible adult stuck on a coach for thirty plus hours with a load of teenagers.

WandaWonder · 03/04/2023 11:01

I figured if there was a problem would soon find out, I would leave it

AngelsWithSilverWings · 03/04/2023 11:01

My son had a nightmare ski trip journey in February. They missed a day and a half of skiing time as a result of the border delays ( it was industrial action then apparently) and the journey home was even worse.

Like you I was worried by what he was saying at the end of his first day of skiing and was also annoyed by the lack of updates from the school ( we didn't actually get one update throughout the entire trip)

But after that first day he was fine and although he said he'd never go on another trip he did actually enjoy the holiday.

Teenagers seem fine with most things as long as they have a power bank charger for their phone and enough data to see them through.

My son did text me from Calais in the way home to ask me to transfer some money so he could buy a meal on the ferry as he was starving by that point as they had been stuck in a holding queue for 7 hours.

saraclara · 03/04/2023 11:01

Ugh. St many typos in my post. And in the 2000s of course, not 2020s

Highworth · 03/04/2023 11:03

My ds and dd each went on one school trip. DD sent me lots of unprompted messages telling me what a wonderful time she was having and also sent lots of photos. DS sent me one message.
school will let you know if anything is wrong.

Cliff1975 · 03/04/2023 11:12

The teachers can't win. Any message they send will be read into. If thgey message to say everything is fine and then when they get back someone says it wasn't they will get hassle. No news is good news chill out.

DestinyIsAll · 03/04/2023 11:12

My DD has done some high school trips away for a week at a time, age 15-16. The school uses Twitter and normal school ‘policy’ (if permissions given) is to do a few updates with photos as they go along, e.g.,journey, arrival, trip highlights etc, maybe 2 or 3 per day on average. I’m sure schools and accompanying staff vary in what they do but ours is a nice way of doing it I think. They also keep in touch or request that students message parents on the journey home, for collecting purposes, e.g., if on time or delayed etc.

They’re always on a tight schedule during the day and early evening when away but DD herself messages occasionally, the odd phone call or FaceTime or photo when she’s had signal and/or time, i.e., just before or after dinner when they give them some free time.

I sometimes just message to say hi, hope they’re having a good time, without expectation of a reply. My dcs (have ds and dds) have always been pretty good at checking in when away tbf, but it does depend a bit on how active/busy they are though.

Original poster
cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 11:22

@Highworth The contrast between your DD and DS made me laugh. I don't like to gender stereotype but I suspect this is a not unusual pattern...

Quite happy to chill out, and was hoping everyone would say that rather than confirming that I should indeed be worried.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 03/04/2023 11:22

Leave him to it.

But also, contact the school demanding update they should have provided !!!

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