Teenager on school trip - what is normal?

[cathyg1979]

Okay, I actually have two separate AIBU questions here and would really welcome some frank advice on both, so feel free to be tough with me.

My 13yo is currently on a school skiing trip, it's his first one abroad though he's been away from home before, both on a residential trip in the UK and multiple sleepovers.

His coach was affected by the Dover hold-ups so it took them a total of 36 hours to get to their location, during which time he had a total of 4 hours sleep. They arrived yesterday morning and went straight to do a full day of skiing, and then dinner and an activity in the evening.

During all of this time, he's sort of kept in touch via WhatsApp in a sort of basic monosyllabic teenage boy way. Sometimes this was saying he's okay, but occasionally to give us the odd alarming detail (like he spent the final 12 hours of the coach journey without anything to drink, and that people were throwing up). Tried to speak to him on the phone yesterday but I could tell all his friends were around and he basically couldn't talk.

Since they set off from school on Friday late afternoon, we've had no updates at all from the school - not during the 36 hour coach journey, not to let us know they'd arrived safely and nothing since. Because of all the Dover drama, I can see that other schools are constantly updating on their kids' progress on social media.

.... and so I'm generally just feeling a bit anxious. Probably not helped by the fact that he is not the most chilled kid in the world, he can be a bit of a worrier and sleep badly in new places. He does love skiing so not worried about the athletic side of things. Basically, I think I just want to know how he is and that he's feeling okay (or that he isn't.)

So... first AIBU? Should I just leave him alone, stop hassling him to message me, let him get on with it and trust that if he's in any serious trouble, school will phone me?

Second AIBU... on a trip like this, is it normal to expect any/some kind of communication from the school with updates on how they are getting on?

Leave him alone.

School should have provided a simple message to say when they arrived. Yes this never happened even 15 years ago, but there needs to be some recognition of parents who are worriers.

If you are actually worried and want to know he is happy/ok then you could text the teacher running the trip to check.

I think school should have provided an update message when they safely arrived.

But in the circumstances, after that gruelling journey, I can see how they may have had other priorities and it might have been overlooked. Or maybe they just told all the kids to send a message home to let parents know they'd arrived.

And you can't really, genuinely be worried can you? He's got a phone and has updated you. It may be less frequent and more monosyllabic than you'd like, but you know he's ok.

Really, any complaint would boil down to 'my son doesn't text as much detail as I'd like so you need to do it instead.'

School could have sent a message but these days, when I take a trip, if we're going to be early or late back for instance, I just ask the kids to let their parents know. ALL of them have phones. If anyone didn't of course they could use mine or whatever. I also assume that kids are in contact with their parents ..I get at least 3 or 4 messages from parents that X has rung complaining about the food / room / bedtime or whatever. Never used to be an issue and does reduce independence I think, and encourages a belief that everything should be just so and you shouldn't have to make do with anything less than your absolute favourite options at all times. Phones are a mixed blessing for sure...also tends to increase homesickness in the younger ones on first trips away.

I would think the reason all schools are doing it differently is down to whether the teachers on the trip have access to the school's social media accounts or not. Usually, only a few staff do or have a phone they're not allowed to take photos of the students on (not a school owned phone, which is usually a brick phone).

On our school ski trip, we posted lots of photos and updates but that is thanks to not only 5 staff giving up their entire half term for free but also 1 staff member back in the UK receiving the photos and updates and giving up their free time to post them with captions etc.

A quick call! If there are 30 kids that will take at least 3 hours. The people on the trip are busy looking after your kids they don’t have time for that.

Social media on trips is a nightmare for staff.

I took kids on residential recently, due to staff illness we were suddenly coping with reduced staffing (not short staffed, but no spare staffing). I posted photos when I could. Complaints abounded about their child not being in enough photos, the photos not being flattering, too many photos of the same activities. I received countless personal messages about it, as did staff who were still at school.

Next year it will be “we got here” and “we are coming home”. Or ideally, some other teacher can lose hours of time (no, we aren’t paid overtime or given time off in lieu).

At the school I work at the teacher on the trip liaises with the nominated person in school ( most senior support staff will be at work this week ) they then send out updates to the parents through the schools usual communication system . It’s not three hours it’s one text usually, possibly a call if too complex to text.

when organising school trips communication is one of the most important planing factors. Contacts , what to do if there is an accident, how any crisis info will be disseminated etc. we live in an area where children were involved in a fatal bus crash abroad so everyone is very aware of how important these matters are.

In the 70s when my brother and I went on school trips the teacher would make one phone call to school. Then someone would put a handwritten sign on the school gate saying something like The skiing group have arrived safely in Austria. If parents wanted to know they had to go and look. Then nothing until we all arrived back on the coach.

I can understand parents worrying but I think too much communication and social media facilitates it.

I find it strange that the school don't send general updates.
My ds has just returned from a long weekend away with school.
They were also affected at Dover but luckily went on Friday morning very early and their delay wasn't horrific.
The school posted on their fb account when they set off, when they stopped at services, arrived at Dover etc and kept us updated about the delay.
Each day they posted a sentence or two about the day's activities and some photos. It was nice to see what they were up to.
I didn't feel the need to message my son but he's 18 so it's a bit different.

👌👍 excellent points

Most schools I’ve worked in have all staff term time only except for a skeleton caretaking staff. They can’t afford full time staff.

You don't send a group of kids and staff away for a week without having a contact back home to deal with emergencies. They won't necessarily be "working" more on call. Probably a senior member of staff.

You know your son has arrived, and safely.

What exactly more do you want the teachers to tell you as they wrangle 30 teenagers? If you're personally an anxious person, either agree communication plan with your child since they've been allowed phones, acknowledge that you have separation anxiety and reflect on what you can do to cope, or decide you don't trust the teachers giving up their own Easter holiday to do this unpaid and your child doesn't go.

If you took the time to consider how much the drip drip impact wears volunteers down, you'd be more reasonable.

I'm a Brownie and Guide leader and these types of ceaseless demands are what tend to make volunteers decide the growing paperwork and stress isn't worth it. I refuse to post pictures until after events because I don't want messages from parents saying their child is clearly miserable or lost because not in the picture posted.

If you took the time to consider how much the drip drip impact wears volunteers down, you'd be more reasonable.

THIS!!!!

@Becles - exactly this.
I won't do it anymore.

We've had news via school Twitter which I don’t usually use but can see the updates by googling “ x school Twitter” and I get link to the last few posts

Thanks - and I'm genuinely not trying to be not 'reasonable' or have a go at the teachers, who I know must be working incredibly hard. It's the first time I've had a child abroad on a trip and I didn't know what was normal. And it sounds from the responses here that different schools do different things.

I agree the kids are clearly fine - got a text from DS last night and he is absolutely fine. At the same time, I do think a quick message from the school to the email group I know they've set up to say 'we've arrived safely' after a 36-hour coach journey that was on the front page of the BBC News website wouldn't go amiss.

And I do understand all the points about '20 years ago, you wouldn't have expected contact' but... things have changed in a number of ways. Certainly there is a lot that school ask of parents these days that my parents weren't expected to do!

I’d be anxious too but i think he’s fine.
send him a “are you having a good time” text, hopefully he can muster up the energy to text back “yeah”.

Btw yes I would have expected the school to let everyone know they’ e arrived safely. Surely a Facebook group or WhatsApp is needed in this scenario, although I wouldn’t expect a million updates a day.
i bet the poor teachers are knackered

Well, yes, and there are always the complaints of "my child wasn't in any photos," "X child was in too many photos," "can you take Y photo down as my child doesn't like their fringe in it?"

I know in my school we are not allowed even have teacher WhatsApp or Facebook groups, so having ones with parents is a big no-no, even in this case. Last school trip over 90 students went which would've required the teacher to send 90 individual emails, or else use the school system which can only be used on school grounds. As its teen students I defo think it's fair and efficient to give them instruction to text their parents and say they'd arrived.

Actually- while I think that not hearing from your son much is perfectly normal, if annoying, the school certainly should have been in touch at least once to tell parents that they'd arrived safely. I'm pretty sure any school I've been involved with would have been.

Try not to worry now, though. They're there, and kids recover quickly. Think about the poor teachers!

GDPR .....

Brexit......

not particularly straight forward

Fair point re Facebook and WhatsApp groups though our scout groups communicate through closed Facebook groups without issue.

our school uses class dojo- not sure if that is considered suitable for secondary age