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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenager on school trip - what is normal?

122 replies

cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 10:46

Okay, I actually have two separate AIBU questions here and would really welcome some frank advice on both, so feel free to be tough with me.

My 13yo is currently on a school skiing trip, it's his first one abroad though he's been away from home before, both on a residential trip in the UK and multiple sleepovers.

His coach was affected by the Dover hold-ups so it took them a total of 36 hours to get to their location, during which time he had a total of 4 hours sleep. They arrived yesterday morning and went straight to do a full day of skiing, and then dinner and an activity in the evening.

During all of this time, he's sort of kept in touch via WhatsApp in a sort of basic monosyllabic teenage boy way. Sometimes this was saying he's okay, but occasionally to give us the odd alarming detail (like he spent the final 12 hours of the coach journey without anything to drink, and that people were throwing up). Tried to speak to him on the phone yesterday but I could tell all his friends were around and he basically couldn't talk.

Since they set off from school on Friday late afternoon, we've had no updates at all from the school - not during the 36 hour coach journey, not to let us know they'd arrived safely and nothing since. Because of all the Dover drama, I can see that other schools are constantly updating on their kids' progress on social media.

.... and so I'm generally just feeling a bit anxious. Probably not helped by the fact that he is not the most chilled kid in the world, he can be a bit of a worrier and sleep badly in new places. He does love skiing so not worried about the athletic side of things. Basically, I think I just want to know how he is and that he's feeling okay (or that he isn't.)

So... first AIBU? Should I just leave him alone, stop hassling him to message me, let him get on with it and trust that if he's in any serious trouble, school will phone me?

Second AIBU... on a trip like this, is it normal to expect any/some kind of communication from the school with updates on how they are getting on?

OP posts:
Original poster
cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 11:24

Yeah to be honest, I do think the school should send some kind of communication during/at the very end of a 36-hour coach journey. They are in charge, and while I can see they assume most kids have phones and are providing updates, they shouldn't be relying on that for official comms.

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Idratherbepaddleboarding · 03/04/2023 11:32

DS went on his ski trip at half term and school put a few videos and short update on Twitter daily. DS sent a few Snapchats to me to say he’d had a good day.

This holiday, he’s at Easter camp with CCF (again through school) and they’ve also put a daily update on Twitter and I’ve receive the following Snapchat’s “good and no” (in answer to whether he has signal and “good” 😂. To be fair it’s more than I expected as the area is renowned for having no signal.

WandaWonder · 03/04/2023 11:35

cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 11:24

Yeah to be honest, I do think the school should send some kind of communication during/at the very end of a 36-hour coach journey. They are in charge, and while I can see they assume most kids have phones and are providing updates, they shouldn't be relying on that for official comms.

If everyone is ok and there are no issues why do they need to do updates?

massistar · 03/04/2023 11:39

DD on school ski trip too. It took them 52 hours to get there. The school put frequent updates on Twitter which I'm glad for as it wasn't a normal trip. Now she's there though I don't expect to see much. DD is good at keeping in touch on Snapchat. Unlike her brother who I think I might have gotten 2 messages from over a week when he did the same trip!

Original poster
cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 11:40

@WandaWonder Yeah, maybe you're right. I guess it depends on the definition of 'okay'. I'm not sure being trapped on a coach for 36 hours with limited food/water and multiple people vomiting is really 'okay' for anyone (teachers included) so seems like a situation where you may send a one-line message to say 'we're all here safely'. That's why I was asking really, as I wasn't sure what was the norm.

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Original poster
cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 11:41

... and sounds from the messages above like most parents in same situation did get an update of some sort from school. But I'm not going to make a thing of it with school while they're there because I don't want to be that parent.

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gogohmm · 03/04/2023 11:42

My kids have done trips, no there's no communication from the school (they did put photos on Twitter if you had given consent) and no the kids didn't contact me

Rockbird · 03/04/2023 11:43

School should definitely have confirmed that they arrived safely. After that I wouldn't expect any updates until they leave. No news is good news!

Highworth · 03/04/2023 11:45

@cathyg1979 would it make you laugh even more if I told you he only sent me the one message as a deliberate wind up? It was at two in the morning to tell me he was out in town having fun!! He could be an absolute little bugger!! Thankfully he is an adult now 🤣

Nitebook · 03/04/2023 11:45

I wouldn't expect to hear qnything from either him or the school for the entire duratik of tge trip unless there was some dire emergency. It's best that way too, stops you worrying about things you can do nothing about.

My DC's school usually put a message on the website or SM to say they'd arrived safely, but no more than that.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 03/04/2023 11:47

Definitely leave him alone.
Contact is assuaging your feelings only, it achieves nothing else.
If he's having a stressful time, keeping up Comms with you isn't going to make that easier, in fact likely the opposite.
Reassure him you're on the end of the line of he needs your and then back off. That's the only actually beneficial thing you can do.

Meanwhile talk to school reception and discuss expectations around communication and what they normally do and why.

Mammillaria · 03/04/2023 11:47

Might be worth checking there isn't a private social media account somewhere for trip updates.

DS went Feb half term. On about day 3 he said he'd forgotten to tell me there was a private instagram account with trip updates. Their trip leader had given them all a slip of paper with the name and asked them to message it to parents. He'd forgotten.

RoseBucket · 03/04/2023 11:47

On a bus for 36 hours with a group of teens I would have decamped to the luggage storage underneath with a bottle of alcohol if I’d been the teacher.

My daughter went on 3 overseas trips and other than an arrived safety and what time expected back I didn’t hear a thing.

Confusion101 · 03/04/2023 11:53

I'm a teacher who has brought groups abroad on tours. We've never provided updates to parents whilst on the trip. At most we would ask students to text their parents but wouldn't follow up. If you need to be contacted, they will contact you. It's a few days. Leave him to it.

Cherrysoup · 03/04/2023 12:27

I give parents an itinerary in advance, the emergency mobile number and remind students to contact parents once we arrive. I let my contact at home know when we get there. I’m not one for Twitter updates, plus I’m crazy busy as trip leader, last trip the driver was clueless so I was doing directions, one child was suffering with acid reflux so had to go to the chemist. I was busy checking with hotel staff re extra bedding/missing pillows/timings of meals/departure, the usual stuff.

I think because every child now has a phone, we let them get on re communication with home.

Original poster
cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 15:50

Thanks all for the reassurance on this from everyone, I will leave him be. To be honest what it reminds me of is being a teenager and waiting for teenage boys to phone me! Can't quite believe I'm back in the same situation 25 years later 😂... interesting how many of the replies here suggest that girls are better at keeping in touch!

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Nitebook · 03/04/2023 15:51

cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 15:50

Thanks all for the reassurance on this from everyone, I will leave him be. To be honest what it reminds me of is being a teenager and waiting for teenage boys to phone me! Can't quite believe I'm back in the same situation 25 years later 😂... interesting how many of the replies here suggest that girls are better at keeping in touch!

My oldest is 22 and waiting for contact from him is exactly like that. Bloody ridiculous and a bit weird, but it is.

BrieAndChilli · 03/04/2023 15:54

I wouldnt expect any updates from the school bar maybe a quick tweet every now and then BUT I think with the chaos at Dover something should have been sent out to parents to let them know what was happening.

BotterMon · 03/04/2023 15:56

YABU - as long as you get a DTU (Daily Text Update) from him that's more than enough.

The school should only be in contact if there's a serious problem. I doubt the teachers were able to get connectivity to email parents whilst in the Dover queues nor should if have been their priority.

Original poster
cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 16:00

@BotterMon I very much agree it shouldn't have been their priority but everyone on the coach had a connection as kids were messaging. So a quick message/call to someone who works for the school at this end who could update more comprehensively I think would have been achievable. At some point during the 36 hours this would have been possible...

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saraclara · 03/04/2023 16:07

as long as you get a DTU (Daily Text Update) from him that's more than enough.

What? "As long as..."?

Why should he have to send a daily text update? What kind of obligation is that?
There's no need for it. Seriously, I worry about today's teens. They're tracked and they're expected to check in constantly. Independence and freedom seems to be horribly limited compared to what my DDs had less than two decades ago. It's stifling.

He's on a school trip. He's supervised, but also parent free. It's a rite of passage. He needs to be left alone to make the most of it.

WonderingWanda · 03/04/2023 16:16

Running an overseas school trip is so full on. We did Iceland earlier this year with 45 teens and I didn't have time to phone home to my own children the whole time. Managed to drop my dh a couple of WhatsApps. If your ds is a teen and has a phone school won't be sending you updates. They will be looking after all of the teenagers in there care, asking sure they eat, drink, sleep etc.

Confusion101 · 03/04/2023 16:32

cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 16:00

@BotterMon I very much agree it shouldn't have been their priority but everyone on the coach had a connection as kids were messaging. So a quick message/call to someone who works for the school at this end who could update more comprehensively I think would have been achievable. At some point during the 36 hours this would have been possible...

I'm not sure how many students have gone or what the communication system is in your DS school but I know in my school we would've either had to send individual texts / emails to each parent or else contacted the school principal to send a "one for all" text / email from the school system which can only be done on school grounds. Neither seem efficient whilst abroad so that's why we would rely on students to contact their parents in these situations.

MargaretThursday · 03/04/2023 17:13

Ime teenagers away with friends phoning/messaging home means they're not enjoying it. If they're enjoying it they're having too much fun.

Original poster
cathyg1979 · 03/04/2023 17:30

@saraclara I completely agree that mobile phones have changed everything in terms of expectations re checking in... but having said that when I used to go away as a teenager (both with school and without, once I was an older teen and went on holiday with friends), I was always expected to find a payphone and call my parents a couple of times to let them know I was okay.

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