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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For being a bit upset neighbours didn’t invite us…

149 replies

NickD87 · 02/04/2023 19:34

We’re a pretty close knit community, everybody knows every body. Today we were doing some gardening and suddenly we realised our next door neighbours were having a party.

We get on well with them and everything. They aren’t there very often as they work away. We assumed the gathering was friends or something and carried on. But we eventually realised it was mostly people from the street.

We we’re a bit confused as we even heard people there that the neighbours are always slagging off to us etc!

Anyway, we popped out to get a Sunday roast.

As we’re coming back, there are people spilled into the street and we know literally 90% of them. They are all calling us over wanting to chat and asking where we have been and if we are coming in. Really awkward and rather than say “we weren’t invited” we said something fluffy like “maybe later”.

Another neighbour has just text asking where we are.

I know it’s a bit childish, and not sure I’d be up for it anyway, but we’ve clearly been purposefully excluded and we’re not entirely sure why. It hurts in a sort of playground way. Is it unreasonable to feel this way?

Also Uber awkward as we are best friend with a couple who always have them round - so we see them regularly there, and undoubtedly will in the next week or so. I feel like I might just start giving them the cold shoulder….again, probably unreasonable.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 03/04/2023 20:07

Are you sure there hasn't just been a misunderstanding?

Ticktockwoof · 03/04/2023 20:14

Maybe I’ve got a massive ego but if this happened to me I’d have assumed they forgot/I didn’t see the invite/some other innocent explanation.
Just find and excuse to walk past again and have a conversation with someone about it.

3luckystars · 03/04/2023 20:46

It might have been a surprise party.

PeachyPeachTrees · 03/04/2023 21:03

If they come around for a cup of sugar, you're all out of sugar. That's for sure.

TheRealHousewife · 03/04/2023 21:08

@NickD87 I totally get your bemusement. Similar happened to us a few years ago; however at the tail end of their soirée they asked if we wanted to pop over and pick at the left over buffet before it was binned. We politely declined 😬

NickD87 · 03/04/2023 21:46

TheRealHousewife · 03/04/2023 21:08

@NickD87 I totally get your bemusement. Similar happened to us a few years ago; however at the tail end of their soirée they asked if we wanted to pop over and pick at the left over buffet before it was binned. We politely declined 😬

Oh my god 😂

OP posts:
NickD87 · 03/04/2023 21:51

Timebomb1 · 03/04/2023 18:23

This definitely sounds like a couple on my street! All charm and sophistication.. but will suddenly exclude people from their social events without an explanation and then gaslight about them to everyone else! The rejected ones have no idea what's happening or what's been said about them! Horrible people, very narcissistic and best avoided at all costs.. hope this isn't the case for you!

I get a narcissist vibe from at least one of them. But always got on well…

We have a bit of an idea why now we’ve mulled it over. If the reason is what we think then it’s frankly just jealous, petty, power-play. Not here for this Real Housewives shit.

Will remain polite and civil, but cosy dinners and gossips on the doorsteps are frankly out of the question now. Keeping our lives much more private from now on.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 03/04/2023 21:56

Well frankly you can’t just leave it there OP, what is this petty power play reason?

Grrrrdarling · 03/04/2023 21:59

NickD87 · 02/04/2023 19:34

We’re a pretty close knit community, everybody knows every body. Today we were doing some gardening and suddenly we realised our next door neighbours were having a party.

We get on well with them and everything. They aren’t there very often as they work away. We assumed the gathering was friends or something and carried on. But we eventually realised it was mostly people from the street.

We we’re a bit confused as we even heard people there that the neighbours are always slagging off to us etc!

Anyway, we popped out to get a Sunday roast.

As we’re coming back, there are people spilled into the street and we know literally 90% of them. They are all calling us over wanting to chat and asking where we have been and if we are coming in. Really awkward and rather than say “we weren’t invited” we said something fluffy like “maybe later”.

Another neighbour has just text asking where we are.

I know it’s a bit childish, and not sure I’d be up for it anyway, but we’ve clearly been purposefully excluded and we’re not entirely sure why. It hurts in a sort of playground way. Is it unreasonable to feel this way?

Also Uber awkward as we are best friend with a couple who always have them round - so we see them regularly there, and undoubtedly will in the next week or so. I feel like I might just start giving them the cold shoulder….again, probably unreasonable.

Just reply that you didn’t receive an invite & if anyone asks why ask them to ask the hosts.
To be honest they sound like they are well up their own arses anyway so I wouldn’t w at to be in that sort of company never mind the fact that you’ve been told they slay you off. They sound very childish.
Let them have their precious party & get on with your life.

T1Dmama · 04/04/2023 01:00

NickD87 · 03/04/2023 21:51

I get a narcissist vibe from at least one of them. But always got on well…

We have a bit of an idea why now we’ve mulled it over. If the reason is what we think then it’s frankly just jealous, petty, power-play. Not here for this Real Housewives shit.

Will remain polite and civil, but cosy dinners and gossips on the doorsteps are frankly out of the question now. Keeping our lives much more private from now on.

Think I would be civil, if anyone tries to engage you in conversation about them simply say ‘we weren’t invited,’ and decline to get drawn into any conversation bitching about them (rise above it!)…

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/04/2023 01:43

Can you give us a hint, OP?

FrenchFancie · 04/04/2023 06:33

Oh god this exact same thing happened to me a few years back!! It was excruciating at the time but I decided to be honest and say a very clear ‘wasn’t invited!’ When asked my others. She then started to tell people different things, like I’d turned her down and decided to do something else instead.

it was the start of a really tough time as the woman had decided she really hated me for some reason and wouldn’t go to anyone’s house or event if I was going to be there. It was like being bullied back in high school and I have to admit it really damaged my mental health!

luckily for me, this was a military community and soon enough her husband was posted away again, so she’s now somewhere else, bullying someone else!!

to this day I have no idea what I did to offend her so much.

Bugbabe1970 · 04/04/2023 08:31

So don't leave us hanging! What's the reason?

Tryphenia · 04/04/2023 09:09

JuneBridie · 03/04/2023 09:14

Agree with pp’s that this is a power play.

The MO is usually love bombing to begin with “oh you guys are brilliant/let’s be friends/you’re so much more fun than all the other losers round here”

fast forward a couple of months and you start to notice the invitations drying up/side eye when you’re in their company, another shiny new couple has usurped you

people like this always need somebody to be “on the outs”, unfortunately this week you’re it.

They’ve done you a favour, avoid them and observe their nonsense from a safe distance.

Honestly. No one is obliged to invite everyone all the time! It’s possible the neighbours are deliberately omitting the OP, but it’s equally possible it’s an oversight or miscommunication, surely. Or just that the neighbours don’t have this weird ‘whole class party or only small numbers’ mentality?

JuneBridie · 04/04/2023 09:29

Tryphenia · 04/04/2023 09:09

Honestly. No one is obliged to invite everyone all the time! It’s possible the neighbours are deliberately omitting the OP, but it’s equally possible it’s an oversight or miscommunication, surely. Or just that the neighbours don’t have this weird ‘whole class party or only small numbers’ mentality?

I never said people need to invite people all the time, did you bother to read the op’s posts? They’re supposed to good friends with these people, these people who slag everyone else off behind their backs, these people who have deliberately excluded them from this particular event, it’s a classic power play that some people take pleasure in exerting, absolutely nothing to do with everyone’s right to “invite whomever they like”.

Don’t assume everyone is just like you, this kind of thing is prevalent in some communities. We lived near an army base and it was rife there.

Please don’t patronise me by stating the obvious.

Ktime · 04/04/2023 09:43

TheRealHousewife · 03/04/2023 21:08

@NickD87 I totally get your bemusement. Similar happened to us a few years ago; however at the tail end of their soirée they asked if we wanted to pop over and pick at the left over buffet before it was binned. We politely declined 😬

Wowsers! Did they knock on your door to ask that? 😳

Ukrainebaby23 · 04/04/2023 10:44

' We werent invited, I don't think we fit their friendship profile' is one I've used before whe3b not invited to stuff. I think it sounds like some sort of fundamental difference that suggests they 'pick' friends and makes you be treated as individuals rather than the crowd.

TheRealHousewife · 04/04/2023 15:18

NickD87 · 03/04/2023 21:46

Oh my god 😂

She’s a real charmer. Things have gone down hill ever since 😅

TheRealHousewife · 04/04/2023 15:20

Ktime · 04/04/2023 09:43

Wowsers! Did they knock on your door to ask that? 😳

Not quite. It was the height of summer so we were enjoying our garden and she popped her head through our adjoining gate and asked. SHE was put out we declined. 😅

IamKlaus · 04/04/2023 15:40

StephanieSuperpowers · 02/04/2023 20:18

Why show them up though? Why embarrass them at their party? They are not obliged to ask the OP over if they're having people around.

Why humiliate yourself like that?

If they aren't obliged to and there is no problem with them not doing so, why would they be shown up, or embarrassed? You can't have it both ways.

StephanieSuperpowers · 04/04/2023 15:43

IamKlaus · 04/04/2023 15:40

If they aren't obliged to and there is no problem with them not doing so, why would they be shown up, or embarrassed? You can't have it both ways.

I'm not trying to. The person to whom I was replying thought that the OP should get someone at the party to ask why she hadn't been invited in order to embarrass the hosts. I can't see any reason to find a way to make them embarrassed at their party, or do anything with that aim.

JMSA · 04/04/2023 16:15

I'd feel the same way, OP. Totally NOT unreasonable. Not sure if I'd trust them anyway though, if they bitch about other neighbours. It could just as easily be you!

Boboobear · 04/04/2023 23:19

Sounds like my neighbours. Sometimes we were invited to their get togethers, sometimes we were not. This went on for years. They don't have people over like they used to because she's fallen out with everybody. Now they have nobody to invite, they'll ask us in for a drink. I politely decline of course. I don't forget! If I were you I wouldn't worry about it. People like that don't have friends for long.

EmilyMayishere · 04/04/2023 23:22

If they're slagging other neighbours off to you, you can guarantee they're slagging you off to other neighbours too.

This. You are wise to be wary.

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