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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being a bit upset neighbours didn’t invite us…

149 replies

NickD87 · 02/04/2023 19:34

We’re a pretty close knit community, everybody knows every body. Today we were doing some gardening and suddenly we realised our next door neighbours were having a party.

We get on well with them and everything. They aren’t there very often as they work away. We assumed the gathering was friends or something and carried on. But we eventually realised it was mostly people from the street.

We we’re a bit confused as we even heard people there that the neighbours are always slagging off to us etc!

Anyway, we popped out to get a Sunday roast.

As we’re coming back, there are people spilled into the street and we know literally 90% of them. They are all calling us over wanting to chat and asking where we have been and if we are coming in. Really awkward and rather than say “we weren’t invited” we said something fluffy like “maybe later”.

Another neighbour has just text asking where we are.

I know it’s a bit childish, and not sure I’d be up for it anyway, but we’ve clearly been purposefully excluded and we’re not entirely sure why. It hurts in a sort of playground way. Is it unreasonable to feel this way?

Also Uber awkward as we are best friend with a couple who always have them round - so we see them regularly there, and undoubtedly will in the next week or so. I feel like I might just start giving them the cold shoulder….again, probably unreasonable.

OP posts:
Dontthinkthrice · 02/04/2023 20:42

I think you might have missed the invite?

JudgeJ · 02/04/2023 20:44

Justalittlebitduckling · 02/04/2023 20:12

It’s possible they just forgot to ask you? If you have a friend close enough who is there, you could ask them to ask the host?

That's what I think, each thought that the other had invited you, unless they sent formal invitations rather than word of mouth. My late OH was always forgetting to ask people round, he once went missing, 'down to the Mess to get more wine', it was only a couple of years later that it came out that he'd forgotten to invite the other couple to dinner, had run all the way up to their flat, steep streets and loads of steps, and begged them to come!

grumpycow1 · 02/04/2023 20:48

I’d text them to ask if you’ve done something to offend them. And deffo let people know you were not invited!

RestingRulers · 02/04/2023 20:53

I think in this case I would ask. I'd be super polite but I think I'd ask as it does just sound like a mix up.

JenniferBarkley · 02/04/2023 20:56

I'm betting there's a neighborhood WhatsApp group that no one has realised you aren't in. Easily done, once these things are set up people tend not to check the member list, and there's usually a few dominant characters so you not posting wouldn't be missed iykwim.

If there's been no hint of an issue before I'd assume it's a fuck up rather than bitchiness.

GoodChat · 02/04/2023 20:57

JKTrolling · 02/04/2023 20:15

I’d have told people I wasn’t invited. Might as well make it awkward for the hosts and show them up.

Why would you that to someone you call a friend?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/04/2023 20:58

That is perplexing.

Had you had any difficulties with them at all -- noise, pets, anything?

Do you think you could have missed a group text?

If there was no mix-up or crossed wires, agree that you should just withdraw. Be civil but aloof.

Freddiefox · 02/04/2023 20:59

NickD87 · 02/04/2023 20:04

I mean, I might - but after the party is over. I don’t want the host to be asked any awkward questions. A party is a party after all!

Show quote history

Why are you protecting them? They clearly don’t feel awkward about it. They must have know people would ask where you are.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/04/2023 20:59

grumpycow1 · 02/04/2023 20:48

I’d text them to ask if you’ve done something to offend them. And deffo let people know you were not invited!

That's not a bad idea. But they might just lie and say "Oh no, we text you, didn't you receive it??" regardless of what the real circumstances are/were.

Usernameneeded1 · 02/04/2023 20:59

JudgeJ · 02/04/2023 20:44

That's what I think, each thought that the other had invited you, unless they sent formal invitations rather than word of mouth. My late OH was always forgetting to ask people round, he once went missing, 'down to the Mess to get more wine', it was only a couple of years later that it came out that he'd forgotten to invite the other couple to dinner, had run all the way up to their flat, steep streets and loads of steps, and begged them to come!

Show quote history

Aww bless, that made me giggle. I bet that was a great dinner party story for a long time after

WickedSerious · 02/04/2023 21:01

Hbh17 · 02/04/2023 20:36

This makes me so glad that I live in a street where neighbours don't socialise. The thought of everyone being "close knit" and knowing each other's business just fills me with horror.

Same here,our friends live on a street where everyone's 'so nice you can't say no to them'.
I don't think they've had a minute's peace since they moved in four years ago.

LuckyPeonies · 02/04/2023 21:01

NickD87 · 02/04/2023 20:04

I mean, I might - but after the party is over. I don’t want the host to be asked any awkward questions. A party is a party after all!

Show quote history

Why do you care ? They deliberately chose to exclude you (apparently for no reason), so they caused their own awkward questions.

BanditsGravyStain · 02/04/2023 21:02

NickD87 · 02/04/2023 20:04

I mean, I might - but after the party is over. I don’t want the host to be asked any awkward questions. A party is a party after all!

Show quote history

Why care about making it awkward for them? They’ve been quite rude and unfriendly, I’d want to let the squirm. They’ve not cared about making it awkward for you.

Usernameneeded1 · 02/04/2023 21:02

Hopefully the op is currently at the party after the mistake has been realised

Phoebo · 02/04/2023 21:05

They probably forgot or they thought the other partner had invited you. If someone asks just say you weren't invited

PinkSyCo · 02/04/2023 21:07

I’m guessing they’ve just forgotten to invite you somehow. If not them not inviting you is extremely spiteful of them. I would absolutely have told whoever asked that you hadn’t been invited. That way any mix up would be more likely to have been resolved there and then.

spidereggs · 02/04/2023 21:10

Yup I'm going with a mistake at their end or yours.

Hopefully you are there and all sorted

Phelm · 02/04/2023 21:10

Hbh17 · 02/04/2023 20:36

This makes me so glad that I live in a street where neighbours don't socialise. The thought of everyone being "close knit" and knowing each other's business just fills me with horror.

Same here!

And I'm very sociable. I just wouldn't want this kind of goldfish-bowl playground drama, or pressure to invite/be invited/ask why someone is not invited.

It would be my idea of Hell.

I think the best advice to the OP is to move house, quite frankly.

YetiTeri · 02/04/2023 21:11

As you're all neighbours and so many other neighbours were there I'd bet they forgot or thought they had invited you. Or else they're really mad at you. Anything in between would have got you an invite for keeping the peace.

polka62 · 02/04/2023 21:17

Could it be a case of them assuming youre coming / not needing to invite your next door neighbour?

It reminds me of a flatmate having a party at uni and another flatmate thinking "they werent invited" they just didnt get a formal invite seeing as we all lived together! Could it be something like this, i.e not needing to send youinfo re : local hotels etc?

drpet49 · 02/04/2023 21:18

itsgettingweird · 02/04/2023 19:55

Yes I'd have replied

"We weren't invited. Hopefully we can catch up with you all soon".

That way it clears up that you absolutely would like to spend time with your neighbours that were invited and you aren't snubbing them.

This. You should have done this

PippaF2 · 02/04/2023 21:18

Personally I wouldn't say 'we weren't invited'. I'd phrase it like 'we didn't know anything about it - are you all having a party?'.

But yeah, they aren't your friends OP. Civil only from now on.

pontipinemum · 02/04/2023 21:38

It could have been an accident? Maybe they thought they had invited you or just assumed you would call in when you heard the party?

MysteryBelle · 02/04/2023 21:54

PippaF2 · 02/04/2023 21:18

Personally I wouldn't say 'we weren't invited'. I'd phrase it like 'we didn't know anything about it - are you all having a party?'.

But yeah, they aren't your friends OP. Civil only from now on.

This is what I’d do too. Exactly how @PippaF2 phrased it.

The likelihood of it being a misunderstanding or accidental is practically zero.

In groups there is almost always a ‘leader’ of the group. If that leader is not a decent person, or is a social climber etc, drama expert, then it is so common to have a phenomenon where the leader of the group will pick one in the group as the outcast, usually someone they are jealous of or are hostile to, or if that person is not totally on board with whatever they’re doing, whatever reason, they make sure to exclude the person while welcoming the rest of the group with open arms and bonding with them but leaving the one out, create drama that is supposedly the fault of the person, or make up stories, all kinds of things. It is a game they play, it’s fun for them and they get to pit the group against this one person and ‘win’ even though the person didn’t know she was in a battle to begin with 😂The person will become a topic of conversation in the group where everyone will wonder what’s wrong with the person, look how the person is against the leader (when it’s the other way round!), it is textbook manipulator’s tactics.

It’s a very common scenario.

OriginalUsername2 · 02/04/2023 21:56

You shout over the fence “Oi, Rita! Where’s our invite?!” Don’t be coy.