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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For being a bit upset neighbours didn’t invite us…

149 replies

NickD87 · 02/04/2023 19:34

We’re a pretty close knit community, everybody knows every body. Today we were doing some gardening and suddenly we realised our next door neighbours were having a party.

We get on well with them and everything. They aren’t there very often as they work away. We assumed the gathering was friends or something and carried on. But we eventually realised it was mostly people from the street.

We we’re a bit confused as we even heard people there that the neighbours are always slagging off to us etc!

Anyway, we popped out to get a Sunday roast.

As we’re coming back, there are people spilled into the street and we know literally 90% of them. They are all calling us over wanting to chat and asking where we have been and if we are coming in. Really awkward and rather than say “we weren’t invited” we said something fluffy like “maybe later”.

Another neighbour has just text asking where we are.

I know it’s a bit childish, and not sure I’d be up for it anyway, but we’ve clearly been purposefully excluded and we’re not entirely sure why. It hurts in a sort of playground way. Is it unreasonable to feel this way?

Also Uber awkward as we are best friend with a couple who always have them round - so we see them regularly there, and undoubtedly will in the next week or so. I feel like I might just start giving them the cold shoulder….again, probably unreasonable.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 02/04/2023 21:57

I think there's two types of people-people who assume they haven't been invited, and people who assume the person had so many people to invite they accidentally missed the house. There's no reason to believe it's a snub

Hawkins003 · 02/04/2023 21:58

For me, if others invited me then I'd join, have some food ect and mingle,

Hawkins003 · 02/04/2023 21:59

@NickD87
If it was others than just the hosts, then the hosts could e.g. Say their error ect

whatwasIgoingtosay · 02/04/2023 22:10

Sorry - this is horrible for you. I hope they haven't deliberately left you out. That would be incredibly rude and mean.

Glitteratitar · 02/04/2023 22:21

Someone who slags off others to you probably slags you off to others. Never trust anyone like that.

ClaraBourne · 02/04/2023 22:22

Maybe the invite came through the door on some notepaper which got confused with junkmail?

MysteryBelle · 02/04/2023 22:25

Hawkins003 · 02/04/2023 21:58

For me, if others invited me then I'd join, have some food ect and mingle,

This is actually a good idea. That way you accomplish 3 things. You mingle with all the other neighbors so your relationship with them is nurtured and less likely to be sabotaged by hostile forces 😀

If the host accidentally forgot to invite you, then they will be thrilled by your presence and be very friendly and welcoming.

If they excluded you on purpose, then seeing you there in their house mingling and laughing with all the people they’d hoped to pit against you will make them madder than a wet hen. And what can they do, throw you out? Complain to the other neighbors and look mean?

‘NickD crashed our party! We didn’t invite them!’
’You invited everybody but them? Why did you exclude them, that’s kind of mean, they’re so nice!’
’Uh…’

3-way win.

JudgeJ · 02/04/2023 22:25

Usernameneeded1 · 02/04/2023 20:59

Aww bless, that made me giggle. I bet that was a great dinner party story for a long time after

Show quote history

As it was going to be just the four of us he didn't really have a choice! He worked with both of them all week and swore he'd invited them! Apparently when he hammered on their flat door he was flat out on the steps looking up at them. It certainly make the family folk lore but no-one who knew him was remotely surprised,

Vodkaislethal · 02/04/2023 22:26

I’d also assume some error here if you’re friendly with them and genuinely all other neighbours invited. So likely a note went missing or text sent to wrong number etc. I’d not assume a snub in this instance.

Etoile41 · 02/04/2023 22:26

Maybe the invite went astray or they each thought that they had invited you but didn't communicate properly?
If it deliberate I would be a bit upset too tbh. I would bring try to bring it up into conversation next time and make them feel awkward.

XanaduKira · 02/04/2023 22:26

I'd definitely say you weren't invited if people ask - that's the simple truth. Whether it was a definite snub or just a missed invitation is to be determined but if you are friends with them, I'd ask if you'd done something to offend them as you were surprised not to have been invited.

Schnooze · 02/04/2023 22:28

Have you texted back that you weren’t invited, yet?

Hawkins003 · 02/04/2023 22:33

MysteryBelle · 02/04/2023 22:25

This is actually a good idea. That way you accomplish 3 things. You mingle with all the other neighbors so your relationship with them is nurtured and less likely to be sabotaged by hostile forces 😀

If the host accidentally forgot to invite you, then they will be thrilled by your presence and be very friendly and welcoming.

If they excluded you on purpose, then seeing you there in their house mingling and laughing with all the people they’d hoped to pit against you will make them madder than a wet hen. And what can they do, throw you out? Complain to the other neighbors and look mean?

‘NickD crashed our party! We didn’t invite them!’
’You invited everybody but them? Why did you exclude them, that’s kind of mean, they’re so nice!’
’Uh…’

3-way win.

Show quote history

Exactly, and best of all free food and good conversations with them all (or most)

Hawkins003 · 02/04/2023 22:36

Glitteratitar · 02/04/2023 22:21

Someone who slags off others to you probably slags you off to others. Never trust anyone like that.

Always best to not trust anyone anyway, or at least have different levels of trust, as all it takes is some leverage or someone's over done the alcohol and the words flow off that oh such and such well, silver tongue is actually having an affair with x.

It's very intriguing at times as to what's what and the human need to confide in others.

PuppyMonkey · 02/04/2023 22:39

These are OP’s actual next door neighbours? I mean I’m all for saying they can invite whoever the heck they want to their own party, but you’d have to have some nerve to invite everybody else on the street and not even mention it to OP, knowing they will be able to hear the big event… because they live right next door. GrinConfused

Hawkins003 · 02/04/2023 22:41

PuppyMonkey · 02/04/2023 22:39

These are OP’s actual next door neighbours? I mean I’m all for saying they can invite whoever the heck they want to their own party, but you’d have to have some nerve to invite everybody else on the street and not even mention it to OP, knowing they will be able to hear the big event… because they live right next door. GrinConfused

It truly does seem what the fudging fudge.

linewithoutahook · 02/04/2023 22:44

Sunday seems like a weird day for a party that's been planned in advance.

So it's either spontaneous or this thread isn't true

Original poster
NickD87 · 02/04/2023 22:46

Hawkins003 · 02/04/2023 22:41

It truly does seem what the fudging fudge.

Show quote history

Yup!! That’s why we’re a bit hurt by it really.
Should also add, we have a WhatsApp group with them. Husband actually messaged on it this morning and it was never replied to - let alone to mention there was a party.
It seemed to have already wound down though. I’ll find out more about it tomorrow though. For now, just gonna try not to let it get to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
NickD87 · 02/04/2023 22:47

NickD87 · 02/04/2023 22:46

Yup!! That’s why we’re a bit hurt by it really.
Should also add, we have a WhatsApp group with them. Husband actually messaged on it this morning and it was never replied to - let alone to mention there was a party.
It seemed to have already wound down though. I’ll find out more about it tomorrow though. For now, just gonna try not to let it get to me!

Show quote history

Oh actually, I tell a lie. They did do a reaction on it.
Still….perfect opp to say ‘are you coming?’ etc.
its definitely a playground thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
NickD87 · 02/04/2023 22:48

MysteryBelle · 02/04/2023 21:54

This is what I’d do too. Exactly how @PippaF2 phrased it.

The likelihood of it being a misunderstanding or accidental is practically zero.

In groups there is almost always a ‘leader’ of the group. If that leader is not a decent person, or is a social climber etc, drama expert, then it is so common to have a phenomenon where the leader of the group will pick one in the group as the outcast, usually someone they are jealous of or are hostile to, or if that person is not totally on board with whatever they’re doing, whatever reason, they make sure to exclude the person while welcoming the rest of the group with open arms and bonding with them but leaving the one out, create drama that is supposedly the fault of the person, or make up stories, all kinds of things. It is a game they play, it’s fun for them and they get to pit the group against this one person and ‘win’ even though the person didn’t know she was in a battle to begin with 😂The person will become a topic of conversation in the group where everyone will wonder what’s wrong with the person, look how the person is against the leader (when it’s the other way round!), it is textbook manipulator’s tactics.

It’s a very common scenario.

Show quote history

This seems likely!

OP posts:
Zonder · 02/04/2023 23:11

I would have been tempted to join in when your friends asked you. Imagine the host's face!

I wouldn't really have had the nerve though, sadly.

MysteryBelle · 02/04/2023 23:14

NickD87 · 02/04/2023 22:48

This seems likely!

Show quote history

Sorry someone’s doing that to you, that’s what I thought might be happening.

It’s awful because this is your neighborhood, people you live among and see every day, and you know your next door neighbor has some kind of hostility or malice toward you which will affect your other neighbors’ relationships with you as well, the ndn will make sure of that, excluding you today is a portent of devious behavior to come, so it won’t work to just ignore them. Do you have any idea what it might stem from?

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 02/04/2023 23:43

@MysteryBelle - you live in my road too?! Had this so many times, we've got one couple who think they are in charge of the street holding the rest in thrall. Can't wait to move!

QuestionsFromThePublic · 03/04/2023 00:27

Best revenge is to live well. Your neighbours sound tedious and unkind. I would keep it breezy with them and socialise with your own friends.

Ignore them.

MysteryBelle · 03/04/2023 00:28

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 02/04/2023 23:43

@MysteryBelle - you live in my road too?! Had this so many times, we've got one couple who think they are in charge of the street holding the rest in thrall. Can't wait to move!

I hear you and sympathize with you! Haven’t had trouble with neighbors but I had this done to me by inlaws!