To think society is misogynistic and often toxic about infertility?

[leaveitnow1244]

So, hear me out,

I just put into tiktok and Instagram infertility and have scrolled through hundreds and hundreds of women devastated by infertility.

Not one male? I understand men aren't as open with emotions but I still find it very odd that not one man is devastated about infertility to make content about it, really?! Not one.

It made me think, are men just not that bothered and most of the time dragged along this parenting journey? (Of course I know some men are upset by infertility I'm not saying every single guy is unbothered but it strikes me as very odd that not one single man wants to voice his opinion on it)

Now the next thing is, every single piece of information is about the devastation of infertility. Not one helpful bit of information about the positives it can bring, or how to positively deal with it instead of letting it crush your whole life.

Nothing about how not everyone suffering infertility is 'devastated' and some just accept it and can still be relatively happy.

I was saddened by how toxic these messages are and how infertility appears to be one narrative - it's the most terrible thing that can happen to a woman.

That's not helpful to everyone, at all.

I'm infertile and of course, have bad days but on the whole I'm quite happy with life and not Devastated but this stuff made me feel like maybe I should be.

It's just sad how society makes us feel like women should lose hope with life basically if they can't have children. It's very sad.

Of course they are but I think the taboo of being infertile as a male is even worse. Rod Gilbert does some good podcasts about this. Men just don't talk about it.

My husband is devastated that we're dealing with infertility but neither of us would go posting on social media about it.

@HistoryFanatic I'm not just talking about the issue of men not talking about it but also the only narrative is about 'pure devastation' and I don't think it's healthy

@nizo1245 I wouldn't either but for those that do, I find it strange 100 percent of them and every article I found was women.

YANBU. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world. I have suffered it, come to terms with it, made peace with it and now enjoy childfree life.

As regards men though - it’s a difficult thing for them to talk about as fertility is so tied up with virility. Rhod Gilbert and Ant McPartlin have been open about theirs though.

How's it misogynistic for men not to want to post their private life over tiktok/Instagram? If anything I think it's a taboo for men to talk about it

Surely people will be posting about what they genuinely feel, and if they feel devastated, that's what they will say. No one is obliged to spread a positive message when it's something they don't remotely feel positive about.

YANBU Op

This is probably a bit irrelevant, but I remember watching Eastenders years ago and someone had just had their baby/ toddler diagnosed with a ( non fatal/ not massively limiting) medical condition that I have. They were totally devastated and this was a ‘story/ theme for a while, completely negatively, nothing positive.

I felt completely perplexed. I wasn’t devastated or limited by my condition ( in fact, there are a few positives to it, which I find). It’s really unimaginative to portray or focus on only one side of things. If you have to live with it, it’s ok to be upset, but it is possible to embrace the positives.

Interesting.

I suppose part of it is that infertility happens to the woman on a very physical cyclical level. Month after month we have the hope and high of ovulation then the disappointment of our period. While men experience the emotions, they don't experience the physical.

I found a lot of women I met during our infertile years blamed themselves a lot and focused a lot on what they could do. The men I know tended to only really get upset / concerned when they were being tested.

My DH had a friend going through it at the same time as us. The only time they spoke about it was when comparing their experiences of sperm tests.

As for the positive. I agree with you. I remember seeing a leaflet at the assisted conception clinic about a support group for accepting a childless life. I think that is something that is missing. The focus is on the treatments, what to try next, moving on to surrogates etc. Help to accept and move on is missing.

For me, things got easier after the 2 year mark when I started to accept I wouldn't be pregnant each month. Making plans for a childless future really helped. Of course I got pregnant then.

@PussBilledDuckyPlait well my point is that I find it sad that not one single person isn't putting out a different narrative and helping people be strong about it.

I'm not saying if people are upset they should stop, of course I'm not saying that at all but why does it have to be purely how insufferable it is. There was nothing to it there about positive mindset that's all I'm saying.

Negativity is not helpful all the time,

There are the odd men who post, but you’re right, it is overwhelmingly women.

Also recognise what you say about there being only one narrative about it. And of course it IS absolutely devastating for most women who go through it. But then, once you’ve had time to grieve, you have to look to rebuild a life that is meaningful that looks differently to how you thought it would. That is what’s missing on Instagram etc, because there’s only one approved narrative. And posting about how you went through it and came out the other side isn’t acceptable and appears insensitive.

Tbh most of the posts fall into a few broad categories - either women documenting their struggle, or fertility coaches posting a million and one things you shouldn’t say to someone who’s struggling, etc etc, or some genuinely helpful stuff with info on fertility and IVF. All very samey.

I’m not sure how supportive it actually is. It is in some ways, but in others seems to be quite depressing and there’s a danger you could get stuck in the pain of it all and making that a part of your identity, instead of looking to move on and make what you can of things.

@leaveitnow1244 people tend to post on social media in the moment.
I can't speak for everyone but as someone who is right in the middle of an IVF cycle the only thing I can hope for is for it to work, and having it not work genuinely is devastating. (Not that i plaster my life on social media - nobody knows we're going through this other than me and my husband).

If I have to come to terms with being childless I'm sure I will find the positives in that, but given that it's not such an in the moment process as going through treatment I'd be unlikely to post anything on social media.

I'd imagine there are many, many couples out there posting amazing content about their holidays, amazing homes etc. who technically are being very positive about being childless without actually declaring to everyone that they can't have children.

I think men just don't openly share their feelings as much as women.
Me and my partner have both suffered infertility and whilst I get that some people come to terms with it , I don't think I would have coped very well. I have yearned to be a mother since I was a child myself and lots of people do.
We are very fortunate to have conceived our son through IVF. He's now 15 months.
I can understand your point, being infertile isn't the end of the world for a lot of people, but for some it really is devastating.

@ATerrorofLeftovers you articulated exactly what I'm trying to say - that's exactly it there your whole post.

It's really strange, and those saying I wouldn't post on socials, maybe you wouldn't but the reality is most people under 40 have social media (the main age group infertility affects) and see these messages so it is an issue for the majority irrespective of whether you engage in social media or not personally

There are some FB groups - The Non Mum Network for example - that do have positive posts.

@nizo1245 I know it's devastating for many and have complete sympathy for that.

I just find it sad that of the people that are willing to share - not one is talking positively about rebuilding a life with it.

Let's flip the narrative and imagine someone talking about a medical condition that's debilitating. There would be a variety of perspectives, some talking about how hard it is but there would also be people saying how they're not going to let it stop them and how they are still being positive despite.

This isn't there at all with infertility. Nowhere? It's weird.

It’s because those who are not devastated by it generally are less likely to make a TikTok about it, as they give it less headspace.

And I’m failing to see how anyone could frame infertility as a positive. Maybe look for child free content instead of infertility? There are for sure positives about being child free (either by choice or otherwise) but there are very few positives about actually being unable to have the choice to have children.

This, the focus with IVF is overwhelmingly on it eventually working and not giving up and there is not much support and advice out there for when it doesn’t, deciding when to stop etc. Gateway Women is good though.

I kind of do now. Obviously not when I was actually ttc.

@leaveitnow1244 I suppose with a lot of medical conditions it's quite visible, or the side effects of medications can be a bit more prominent.

With infertility nobody knows unless you tell them, and that can be a really hard thing to do.

From my experience, society just expects everyone to have kids as soon as they're married, or in a committed relationship.

@KimberleyClark yes, that's my point very little guidance for what to do if it doesn't happen and still be happy.

This isn’t coming from a place of judgement- I’ve also had a complicated reproductive history.

But I don’t understand what could be seen as “positive” about infertility itself. Except from maybe the freedom which being child free brings?

YANBU. I agree with you.

It made me think, are men just not that bothered and most of the time dragged along this parenting journey?

Judging from the many posts I read on MN from women who want DC with partners who don't and from women whose partners show very little interest in their DC I think you are right.

There are no positives to infertility. There are positives to being child free but not in having your choice removed.