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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset DH won't let me read his diary?

302 replies

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:24

DH has been keeping a diary that I wasn't even aware of for the last 3 weeks, so quite a new thing. Never once mentioned he was going to start doing that and definitely has avoided writing in it when I've been around as I've never seen it! Only realised when trying to find something on his bedside table early this morning. He woke up to me basically about to have a look what it was and he was really defensive and told me to put it back. Felt a bit like I was dealing with a teenager to be honest, did put it back and asked him what it is and he just said it's a diary and he's just been jotting some things that go around in his head too much and I asked him what they were and that he can talk to me if something is wrong and he just said he doesn't really want to and so I asked if I could read it and he said no.

I don't know, it all seems quite strange to me and like it's surely something else and if it isn't and it is just that, I'm a bit concerned he can't just talk to me about some of these apparent insignificant worries? So I guess there's 2 AIBUs... AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else? And AIBU to be upset he won't let me know what these worries are?

OP posts:
itsjustnotok · 02/04/2023 01:20

wonderingoff · 01/04/2023 23:28

I guess I wasn't implying I should be allowed to freely go through his things and I obviously wouldn't but I suppose I'm upset I can't know what those worries he writes down are... and was so secretive about it

OP there are times when I am so angry with my DH (unreasonably sometimes!) that I have written it down rather than rowing with him because it gives me an outlet. I’ve written in a diary on and off. If he read it I would be devastated because a) it’s personal to me b) he could take it badly with no context.

DH had a breakdown a few years back and was encouraged to write a diary to help express himself. He wrote in his for a good 6 months and it never would have occurred to me to read it. When he was in a better place and feeling more like himself, he shares some of his thoughts and if I’d read them at the time I would have been heartbroken. Not because he had written anything horrible about me but because of how little he had thought of himself at the time. The diary was an outlet, that whilst painful for him really let himself be honest about his feeling. Obviously this is worse case in our situation but perhaps your DH is writing a diary to offload? Either way you’re BVU to suggest that you should read it and that he’s hiding something of he says no.

Whattt44 · 02/04/2023 01:21

AIBU to think he's probably hiding something else
What's the 'something else' you think he's hiding?

ilovesooty · 02/04/2023 01:23

@2023forme I was saying that reading the diary would be a violation of privacy. I think you might have misunderstood me.

Of course discussing your feelings might feel right for you as a separate matter, but I don't think anyone should ever feel under pressure to do so if they don't want to.

2023forme · 02/04/2023 01:28

ilovesooty · 02/04/2023 01:23

@2023forme I was saying that reading the diary would be a violation of privacy. I think you might have misunderstood me.

Of course discussing your feelings might feel right for you as a separate matter, but I don't think anyone should ever feel under pressure to do so if they don't want to.

@ilovesooty apologies!! I have indeed misunderstood you 😳

Aquamarine1029 · 02/04/2023 01:28

This reply has been deleted

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WandaWonder · 02/04/2023 01:38

Op I do actually see what you mean but as you know it is not right

You need to work on this if you can't handle it, that is not up to him

Phoebo · 02/04/2023 01:42

Writing can be a way to process things, leave him to it. It's like trying to go into someone's brain and read their thoughts. YABVVVU.

MissMarplesbag · 02/04/2023 03:23

He could be keeping a food diary but you still don't have a right to read it. You have crossed a line, trying to control his actions and read his inner most thoughts.

To quote: 'he woke up to me basically about to look what it was and got defensive' and now you're back tracking because you have been caught out. How would you feel if he did this to you and wanted to control and police your inner most thoughts? This is bordering on emotional abuse and coercive and controlling behaviour.

Bepis · 02/04/2023 03:57

Goodness me, some very OTT and harsh replies to OP. Everyone is acting like she actually went back and read her DHs diary after he said not to.

OP saw it, wondered what it was and then when she knew, she did the respectful thing by asking him if she could read it. I'd be curious too if my DH kept a diary. Her DH said no to reading it and she respected that.

Mouse82 · 02/04/2023 04:46

Even married or being in a relationship, we are all entitled to personal boundaries.

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 05:00

saraclara · 01/04/2023 23:28

Wow. I'd be incandescent with fury if anyone read my diary. How even DARE you?

My thoughts exactly. I'd also be pretty annoyed that you even asked me, and pissed off if you asked for my reasons and wouldn't let it drop.
Just in case you've forgotten, you're OH is a separate autonomous human being, not an extention of you. Just reading this has actually enraged me. If you're a troll you've got me good.

Glitterblue · 02/04/2023 05:02

Woah, you are NOSY!! I can’t believe he woke up to you about to have a look! Diaries are personal and private and it’s all kinds of wrong to read someone else’s diary. It doesn’t mean he has anything to hide in any way - I have no secrets from DH but I’d hate him to read my diary. It’s supposed to be a safe and private space for you to write down your innermost thoughts and feelings and things that are going round in your head. If he wants you to help him sort out what’s in his head, then he will ask! But it won’t involve you reading the man’s diary! 🙄

Glitterblue · 02/04/2023 05:03

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This!!

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 05:13

I'll add, l think pretty much everyone has yhoughts that go round in their head too much. Sometimes they're worries, sometimes, theyre ideas, sometimes decisions and sometimes people just gave a busy head. Writing things down helps some people focus and analyse their thoughts. They were there all along. What you're essentially asking is what are you thinking about. OK it's not necessarily wrong to wonder but imagine someone asking you what you were thinking about when you were soaking in the bath on Thursday? Everything, no filter.
You're right, he has deliberately chosen to write his journal whilst you weren't there...because it's private. You calling it a secret has very different undertones.
Why not start your own journal where you capture your thoughts, ideas, concerns, pondering. If you have none maybe you're drifting through life and have taken your eye off the ball.

MarshaMelrose · 02/04/2023 05:21

I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time on here, op. Who wouldn't be curious if their husband suddenly started keeping a diary? I know I would. But, like you, I'd respect his privacy and wouldn't ever read it unless he offered. And maybe even not then.
Clearly you're concerned that he's got worries about your marriage. That's a natural conclusion although it might not be true. But even if that's the case, the problem with diaries is that what you think one day, you don't believe the next...or maybe ever again. Your thought process changes all the time but you have to see an idea expressed before you know whether that's,what you really think that or not. So even if you did read it, it probably wouldn't give you any concrete answers as to what he really thinks.
I guess he'll open up in time. Or just get bored writing it...which is how most diaries go. You don't hear if many men keeping diaries so it's quite impressive really.

user1492757084 · 02/04/2023 05:21

Be pleased that husband is writing.
Support him on that very positive and creative thing.
Do not worry but commend him.
In the meantime, be sensitive whenever the two of you are sharing feelings.

Maybe when he is older he might write a biography or a film.
Or poetry though most likely the diary will remain private and a way for your husband to organise his engagements, planss, thoughts and feelings.

Regularsizedrudy · 02/04/2023 05:29

Of course you can’t read someone else’s diary you psycho

JulieHoney · 02/04/2023 05:40

Keep justifying your actions and see how that works out for you, OP.

You are obviously massively overstepping his boundaries and owe him an apology. He has every right to be furious.

PurpleFlower1983 · 02/04/2023 05:50

I think many of us have worries and anxieties that we keep to ourselves, things that don’t really need to be shared that can nibble anyway. That’s perfect diary territory along with any other thoughts milling around that really don’t need to be read by anyone else. YABU, try not to take it personally. A diary is an extension of inner thoughts.

BlueHeelers · 02/04/2023 05:51

YABVVU

2bazookas · 02/04/2023 06:05

You're the one behaving like a teenager.

Goodread1 · 02/04/2023 06:06

He's entitled to have some privacy in his own life,
Just like yourself,

No need for you to have a peep ,

Have some respect 🙏!

Just cause he is married to you,
.it doesn't mean he is obligated to you,

Goodread1 · 02/04/2023 06:12

Oops I ment to say obliged to you to check up on him in this way,

I would encourage him in this way, as its way of getting clarity of thoughts on particular issues on his mind,

It's way of putting tangible thoughts of what's stressing you,

It's a way of just de stress as life can be challenging and stressful,

It's beneficial for him keeping a diary

It's good for you, as it means he has a effective beneficial time honoured destress safety valve outlet

WhatTheHeckyPeck · 02/04/2023 06:22

OP your posts have been all about how you feel and and how hurt you are feeling but have you for even a second considered your DH POV as to why he is keeping a diary and why he won't let you read it. Maybe it's not what you think.

I started keeping a journal/diary in 2020 due to a series of events that in any other year would have been bad enough but with it all happening then made it overwhelming. There are things written down that I would never tell anyone, especially my DP as it would upset him so much to know how low I had got and I didn't want to be responsible for his pain as well as my own. as that would probably have tipped me right over the edge. 6 months ago I showed it to DP. There were parts that made him cry and he asked why I didn't talk to him at the time. I told him that it was because I couldn't say it out loud, I didn't know how and the words wouldn't come.

Sometimes writing stuff down is easier than saying it out loud. . Who knows, when he is ready he might share those thoughts with you, until then, just tell him you are there if he needs to talk but give him the space a privacy to document his own thoughts his own way.

TrashyPanda · 02/04/2023 06:24

All because I wanted to know what the worries were that my husband wanted to keep from me

so your need to know overrules his right to privacy?

no, it doesn’t.

you massively overstepped. It doesn’t matter how you feel, because this is about him, not you.

give him some basic respect. He doesn’t want to talk to you about these things and that is just fine. Learn to live with it.

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