To not give my brother a wedding gift

[Frazzld]

I don't have a relationship with my younger brother. We haven't spoken for 12+ years, apart from small talk at occasional family events eg. weddings, funerals, the odd Christmas at our parents'. I'm 35, he's 29. No arguments or anything, we just grew up in a stressful, dysfunctional home, we were never close, live 3 hours apart, and have pretty much nothing in common. I did try with him for a while, but he puts zero effort in so I just gave up. I have no other siblings.

He's getting married in May. I don't really know his partner. I'm dreading playing happy families at the wedding, I don't really want to go. My mum asked me what I'm getting them for a gift, and suggested a cash donation towards a honeymoon in Asia. I was only planning on getting them a token 'gift' maybe a houseplant (a string of hearts plant) or something. If I gift cash it's got to be a substantial amount or it will look weird. Aibu to just get them a houseplant?

Also to note I'm not married (not interested in marriage/weddings personally) but have a long-term partner of 5 years. (Just in case anyone inevitably asks what he got me for my wedding).

To be honest, I just wouldn’t go. So much easier.

A house plant is what you may give if you were going round to their house for a meal, not a wedding gift

If they are asking for cash then do that but give what you can afford

If I was you, I’d stick £50 in a card and call it a day.

I would go and I would get him a normal wedding gift. I wouldn't get a houseplant as if that were me, I'd spend the next week unwinding from the wedding, packing away bits etc and would probably have it die on me.

What about some nice towels, or a nice throw. Something he can tuck away and get out when the dust has settled.

Whilst you're not close, I'm not sure why you'd want to either miss the wedding or spend a tiny amount on him. Weddings aren't cheap and I'd imagine you still want the best for him, given he too grew up in a stressful household.

Why? To me, that's very unkind for a sibling who experienced a similarly difficult childhood. They may not have a close relationship but it's still family. To not go would be mean.

I agree with the money in a card suggestion.

I wouldn't give anyone who considered me important enough to invite me to their wedding (and whom I considered important enough to attend) a houseplant for what is hopefully one of the most important celebrations of their life.

A house plant is an embarrassing gift.

Assuming you'll be accepting their hospitality by attending the wedding reception, I'd reciprocate with a decent gift.

If you can afford it I'd just stick down cash in a card and write it off as paying for your meal. I get why you'd rather not but it also saves any drama or need to dwell on it.

My cousin asked for money towards their honeymoon and we could only afford £20.🤷‍♀️I don't see the big deal. Gift an amount you can afford.

I'm not close to my dbro and gave 50 pounds he gave the same to me on our wedding. A plant isn't an appropriate gift for a wedding at all.

Don't get a houseplant for him. A cash donation of whatever amount feels comfortable for you is fine. Even if it's a small amount. Go and try to enjoy his wedding

I’m getting married this year and just want people there. A gift is a bonus, I’d love a houseplant. People who demand expensive gifts are tacky and gross imo.

Assuming you'll be accepting their hospitality by attending the wedding reception, I'd reciprocate with a decent gift.

Inviting you to his wedding is not "zero effort".

YANBU just give something small like a frame, and a card. Only if you’re attending.

A houseplant is not a good idea.

The way I see it if you're going to go the wedding they will have spent a small fortune on your place/meal....giving back a little won't hurt. Or just don't go.

i would decline the invitation and bung 50 quid or what you can afford in a card.

You’re either close enough to be invited to his wedding, and to go, in which case you’re close enough to get him a gift / give cash
or you’re not close enough to be invited/to go /to get him a gift

you can’t go to his wedding, take his hospitality, whilst claiming he’s making no effort and so you’ve just gotten him a houseplant. for a wedding, that is an insulting gift. Unless he’s particularly into houseplants and it’s an incredibly thoughtful, rare/expensive type of houseplant that you know he’ll love, but I suspect that isn’t the case. And even then I’d still assume you’d get a more generic couple gift.

I get it, but honestly he's inviting me and my DP because he feels like he has to. I doubt he would invite me by choice frankly. Knowing that you're being thought of like that is pretty shit tbh.

Well don’t go then. You get out of what you feel is an obligation and he gets two spots to invite people that are closer to him

And if it’s your parents wanting you to go then be honest with them

Why are you going then? Makes zero sense.

@Frazzld you're the older sibling. It sounds like he grew up with you being indifferent to him at best. You "tried with him for a while" but it may have been too little too late. Don't blame him. Show him some love in whatever way you feel able to. The wedding gift isn't particularly relevant. A kind word in a card and a kind word on the day may mean more to him.

You don't know that, it might be true or it might not but you can't read his mind so it is unkind to state that as a fact. Maybe you are projecting about what you'd do and why if you were getting married.

Did he tell you that or is it an assumption in your part?

Can't you ring and ask if he really would be bothered if you don't go? I wouldn't dream of going.

She's tried to keep in touch and he's ignored her. Tells you everything you need to know imo.