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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my brother a wedding gift

122 replies

Frazzld · 01/04/2023 21:45

I don't have a relationship with my younger brother. We haven't spoken for 12+ years, apart from small talk at occasional family events eg. weddings, funerals, the odd Christmas at our parents'. I'm 35, he's 29. No arguments or anything, we just grew up in a stressful, dysfunctional home, we were never close, live 3 hours apart, and have pretty much nothing in common. I did try with him for a while, but he puts zero effort in so I just gave up. I have no other siblings.

He's getting married in May. I don't really know his partner. I'm dreading playing happy families at the wedding, I don't really want to go. My mum asked me what I'm getting them for a gift, and suggested a cash donation towards a honeymoon in Asia. I was only planning on getting them a token 'gift' maybe a houseplant (a string of hearts plant) or something. If I gift cash it's got to be a substantial amount or it will look weird. Aibu to just get them a houseplant?

Also to note I'm not married (not interested in marriage/weddings personally) but have a long-term partner of 5 years. (Just in case anyone inevitably asks what he got me for my wedding).

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 01/04/2023 22:14

Honestly go and behave properly or don't go and pretend but accepting the invite and going along and then giving a house plant to your brother is just rude.
Stick 50 quid in a card and be done with it.

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/04/2023 22:18

Its family. You may not like them but honestly just stick £50 in a card.
Go or dont go but do not give a "token gift"

The houseplant is a real dick move.

Phoebo · 01/04/2023 22:22

It's nice you are invited, go and give him £50. Be gracious.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/04/2023 22:23

Another vote for £50 in a sorry-we can’t-make-it card. Job done. You are relieved. He’s likely relieved. It’s no one else’s business.

Tempone · 01/04/2023 22:26

Either a decent some of money or a more sentimental gift, a nice frame or piece of art.

Original poster
Frazzld · 01/04/2023 22:31

AxolotlEars · 01/04/2023 22:12

Did he tell you that or is it an assumption in your part?

Show quote history

Yes it's an assumption, but based on the fact he hasn't made any attempt to engage with me for 12 years. Despite me reaching out to him several times over the years (because I would really like a sibling relationship), including when our gran died couple of years ago. All ignored. I've accepted his disinterest and have respected it.

He's inviting me because he feels like he has to, and thinks I'll give him a big wad of cash for his honeymoon. I know this much about him, and partly why we're not in touch sadly. He's acutely self-centred.

OP posts:
Fancylike · 01/04/2023 22:31

By your timeline, you gave up on trying to stay in touch with him when he was still a child. You were the adult.
He’s now an adult and trying to include you and you’re acting childish and tight-fisted.

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 01/04/2023 22:32

Frazzld · 01/04/2023 22:09

I get it, but honestly he's inviting me and my DP because he feels like he has to. I doubt he would invite me by choice frankly. Knowing that you're being thought of like that is pretty shit tbh.

Show quote history

If that’s how you genuinely feel decline the invitation, send a card and wish them well.

A houseplant is rude in my opinion. It’s the kind of gift you give someone for taking your bins out when your on holiday.

Goldbar · 01/04/2023 22:33

If they're planning on going on honeymoon to Asia, the houseplant may well be dead by the time they get back.

So maybe choose another gift for practical reasons - some craft beer, novelty salt and pepper shakers or a fluffy bath mat? I've found all of these are usually well received.

Hiddenvoice · 01/04/2023 22:39

If you don’t want to go then decline the invite. If you feel like he’s invited you simply because you’re family and that you must attend because you’re family then you can simply decline.

If it was me then I’d go, I’d put some money in a card and then just be polite during the day, for my mums sake. You don’t need to play happy families, you don’t need to be in pictures or anything as he probably wouldn’t expect it. I wouldn’t take a house plant as it is more of a housewarming present and there probably won’t be anywhere to store it during the wedding and reception.

Original poster
Frazzld · 01/04/2023 22:47

seeitsayitsorted · 01/04/2023 22:12

@Frazzld you're the older sibling. It sounds like he grew up with you being indifferent to him at best. You "tried with him for a while" but it may have been too little too late. Don't blame him. Show him some love in whatever way you feel able to. The wedding gift isn't particularly relevant. A kind word in a card and a kind word on the day may mean more to him.

Couldn't be further from the truth. I was absolutely over the moon to have a brother. I adored him. My mum had MH issues and I basically helped with his care when he was very young. Then around the age of 10, he decided I was a loser and literally barely spoke to me again. (This was also instigated by my dad, but that's another story). He was quite nasty, used to break my stuff and all sorts. This was heartbreaking for me.

I understand this was from the pressures and problems at home and have made my peace with it (because yes, I'm the older sibling).

OP posts:
ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 01/04/2023 22:48

If you don't want to go and feel like he's only invited you because he has to, I wouldn't even bother going.

What's the point if you've got to pretend to get along for the whole day just for the sake of it?

If you do decide to go - don't rock up with a house plant. Even if you can't afford much (I'm not suggesting that), just put the equivalent in a card so they can spend it how they want to.

SadMadGlad · 01/04/2023 22:49

Maybe just don't go for your own mental health. Tell your Mum the truth or say you're not well on the day. Just don't go.

Justalittlebitduckling · 01/04/2023 22:49

If you and your partner are invited, £50-60. Or just don’t go if you’re that unbothered.

MakingTheVeganYorkshirePud · 01/04/2023 22:58

I'm so sorry you are in this position OP. I don't understand your feelings because I'm close to both my siblings, but I'm sure it isn't easy and is painful.

If you think this relationship won't go anywhere, I'd probably decline the invite, no matter the pressure from other family members - that gives your brother an understanding that you don't want a relationship.

If you do want to try to establish a relationship, even after all these years, then I don't think a present is the significant thing in this situation.

To be honest, I'd probably give him a ring and ask him why he wanted me there. Communication seems limited. Communication is probably the best at the moment. You have nothing to lose.

Hope it works out.

Original poster
Frazzld · 01/04/2023 22:59

Fancylike · 01/04/2023 22:31

By your timeline, you gave up on trying to stay in touch with him when he was still a child. You were the adult.
He’s now an adult and trying to include you and you’re acting childish and tight-fisted.

Absolutely not. My later posts go into more detail on this. I've reached out to him many times as an adult eg. on his birthdays, at Christmas, during Covid lockdown, after our gran died. I've suggested we visit my mum at the same in the summer, or meet up in London (where I live and he sometimes comes to the city for work) for a drink/food/or just over to my place for a cuppa. Ignored.

If you get no response from someone, how long do you keep going before you need to take the hint?

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzld · 01/04/2023 23:00

Thanks @MakingTheVeganYorkshirePud I think that's a good piece of advice.

OP posts:
Wheresthebloodynurofen · 01/04/2023 23:02

I’d decline, I mean really a house plant. Cmon. It’s better to give nothing.

don’t be all passive aggressive, just don’t accept. I’m assuming you’re an adult?

MuffinToSeeHere · 01/04/2023 23:03

Frazzld · 01/04/2023 22:59

Absolutely not. My later posts go into more detail on this. I've reached out to him many times as an adult eg. on his birthdays, at Christmas, during Covid lockdown, after our gran died. I've suggested we visit my mum at the same in the summer, or meet up in London (where I live and he sometimes comes to the city for work) for a drink/food/or just over to my place for a cuppa. Ignored.

If you get no response from someone, how long do you keep going before you need to take the hint?

Show quote history

My first thought would be are you sure he's actually getting these messages? You freely admit you've not really cared much about him since he was 17 and that your holding onto behaviour from when he was just 10 years old, ironically his behaviour is entirely typical and it sounds like he was just acting like a 10 year old.

If you go to the wedding don't be petty and just give a house plant , chuck some money in a card.

Wheresthebloodynurofen · 01/04/2023 23:05

Frazzld · 01/04/2023 22:09

I get it, but honestly he's inviting me and my DP because he feels like he has to. I doubt he would invite me by choice frankly. Knowing that you're being thought of like that is pretty shit tbh.

Show quote history

But you don’t know that. You’ve not even spoken to him. If you genuinely believe it then don’t go. But fronting up to celebrate his wedding, enjoying his hospitality and giving him a shit gift isn’t really on.

Pandyluna · 01/04/2023 23:07

No OP said he’d been behaving like that towards her SINCE he was 10. Not just as a 10 year old….. it sounds complicated but what’s the point of trying to pick her story apart

Wheresthebloodynurofen · 01/04/2023 23:09

Pandyluna · 01/04/2023 23:07

No OP said he’d been behaving like that towards her SINCE he was 10. Not just as a 10 year old….. it sounds complicated but what’s the point of trying to pick her story apart

It’s irrelevant. If she feels like this she certainly shouldn’t be considering fronting up at his wedding to celebrate it and freeloading on his hospitality. She needs to decline.

Original poster
Frazzld · 01/04/2023 23:10

@MuffinToSeeHere
I'm not sure where I freely admitted to not caring about him? Very much the opposite. I'm saying I've tried to reach out to him over many years and he has chosen to not engage. So there is a point where you have to take the hint and respect someone's space. And you have to try to accept and move on somewhat, instead of being upset by it.

He's definitely getting the messages, he chooses to not read them, or he has me in his archived messages. He often changes his WhatsApp profile photo and communicates with my mum regularly WhatsApp, it's definitely his number.

OP posts:
Spiderboy · 01/04/2023 23:11

You’re his sibling and you grew up together. It’s sad you aren’t close but unless he’s actually a dickhead to you I think it’s sad you care so little. Just put £50 in a card if you can’t afford to do so.

MakingTheVeganYorkshirePud · 01/04/2023 23:12

@Wheresthebloodynurofen not every individual is a materialistic twat. You might call a house plant a 'shit gift', but they are very popular at the moment and I think it'd be a lovely gift. Much better than a thoughtless 200 quid thrown in an envelope anyway.

People at my wedding will be there because I want them to be a part of my day, not because I want wads of cash.

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