To not give my brother a wedding gift

[Frazzld]

I don't have a relationship with my younger brother. We haven't spoken for 12+ years, apart from small talk at occasional family events eg. weddings, funerals, the odd Christmas at our parents'. I'm 35, he's 29. No arguments or anything, we just grew up in a stressful, dysfunctional home, we were never close, live 3 hours apart, and have pretty much nothing in common. I did try with him for a while, but he puts zero effort in so I just gave up. I have no other siblings.

He's getting married in May. I don't really know his partner. I'm dreading playing happy families at the wedding, I don't really want to go. My mum asked me what I'm getting them for a gift, and suggested a cash donation towards a honeymoon in Asia. I was only planning on getting them a token 'gift' maybe a houseplant (a string of hearts plant) or something. If I gift cash it's got to be a substantial amount or it will look weird. Aibu to just get them a houseplant?

Also to note I'm not married (not interested in marriage/weddings personally) but have a long-term partner of 5 years. (Just in case anyone inevitably asks what he got me for my wedding).

You wouldn't want to be in Ireland, the absolute minimum it would be acceptable to give would be bev150 per couple but 200 more the average. We got 250 from most at our wedding 17 years ago, and 500 from a few. We don't run in a wealthy circle or anything, these are just the cultural norms. If someone gave 20 pounds in a card or a tenner as someone here suggested, it would be like WTF!

There will be a point beyond which they have to confirm final numbers, submit the seating plan etc, and if that has passed, the worst of all worlds would be to drop out. They will have spent all the associated money on you and will have a seating plan problem. When I got married 15 years ago I think the food was £35/head, if that helps with your thought that the invitation would be profiting from you in some way.

I understand your brother has hurt you. But consciously or subconsciously, I see someone who is trying to make that clear. The neutral thing to do would be to turn up (since youMve accepted) give an unremarkable gift, dress smartly, make small talk, smile for the cameras and don’t be the first to leave. Anything which deviates from that is making a statement. And making a statement at someone else’s wedding puts you automatically in the wrong.

"Also if I don't go it will perpetuate my black sheep of the family status. Because I'm a bit different - geeky, quiet, left my hometown, went to uni, travelled, have a career, have decided not to get married or have babies etc. All the hallmarks of an unhinged woman in my family's eyes! Whatever I do, I'm criticised tbh"

Are you sure your family care about these things as much as you think you do. None of the things you mention are unusual. Are you sure you aren't taking comments as criticisms when they aren't meant to be.

I think it's rude to show up for hte wedding and not bring a proper gift. Either yuo don't have/ dont' want to have a relationship and then don't bother going, or you go and do it properly. It sounds like you don't want to give him a proper gift almost out of spite.

I think there’s way too much drama in your family and you’re all wrapped up in it still. that’s not an insult, it’s completely understandable, but you need to remove yourself now.
you say you’re going for your mum but you don’t want to and your brother doesn’t want you to. You also say your mum is a narcissist who didn’t look after her children and only cares about herself. So why are you both pandering to her? Is this your whole life?
you say your brother, encouraged by his (your?) dad, ended his relationship with you when he was around 10. So a child. So he has clearly been manipulated all his life by both of his parents.
you are making lots of assumptions about him, and probably speaking to your mum about these too. Is it possible she enjoys the division, or enjoys that you feel you don’t belong in your family but she does? Perhaps it’s nice for her that you never took her place after you did a lot of the mothering? Who knows. But you need to think about who created this situation (not you and your brother) and who continues to benefit from it (certainly not you) and why you’re still playing the game.

You're not obliged to give gifts anyway. Just get a nice card. Or don't go. I'd choose the latter tbh.

I thought the basic rule of a wedding gift was to gift them approx what it costs to have you there so between £50-£100

Send him a card wishing him well with some money in it, perhaps with a note telling them to enjoy a nice meal on you while on their honeymoon.

If you don't want to actually go the wedding, tell them you can't attend.

I agree with this but if someone is genuinely skint then I think it's perfectly ok to give less.

I gave £150 to my sister plus a £50 present (from me and DP) and thought that was quite low tbh. I tend to give at least £50 to close friends. Most people in my circle do similar amounts, I think giving £25 would feel quite embarrassing. I'd give at least that much to just a colleague. We aren't wealthy at all, but I've always worked on the basis that you roughly pay for your place plus more if you are close to the b&g - most weddings nowadays even with the most basic package cost at least £50-£100 pp so £25 wouldn't touch the sides.

OP I think you either have to not go, or, if you do go, accept you'll have to give a fairly decent present. You can exclude your feelings about your brother from the equation - even if you went to a friend's wedding you couldn't just give a houseplant! I've been to A LOT of weddings recently (due to covid cancellations) - I've never seen a plant on the table! If you're going I'd say £50, if your partner as well I'd say £100 as a minimum. If you can't afford or don't want to give that then fine but from my experience lots of his friends will be giving at least that, so it will hardly improve familial relationships if you basically turn up with a plant and a sour face after he spends over £100 to feed you.

I think given his lack of effort/interest over the years, you should do the thing that requires least emotional investment from you. For me this would be putting money (not a derisory amount but whatever you can afford) in a card and probably attending the day. But could understand if you didn’t go.

I'd send those aprons straight down the chazza.

If someone is minded to wear an apron they'll already have one, or more.

Why don't MN like houseplants? I'd love a houseplant gift whenever I received it, and OP knows her new SiL is into plants.

OP, do what YOU want. Screw your Mum's whims and ideas.

I’ve never heard of wedding gifts needing to correspond to the amount it cost them to host you. I thought they were two separate things. Learn something new, and all that.

Or maybe he is inviting you because you are his sister and most people want their sister at their wedding. Honestly you sound like a misery guts. And of course you don’t get a house plant for a wedding gift! Spend what you want / can but don’t be so clueless.

How much someone has or has not spent on an event they have chosen to have is irrelevant

nobody is compelled to attend anything - unless it’s a court summons - likewise @Frazzld could choose not to attend, decline and send nothing, to attend the reception only perhaps or decline AND send a gift.

@Frazzld you have been brought up by someone who gave you no choices and life I dare say was all about their appearances

this is no different- I dare say your mother has pressured db into inviting you for HER benefit.

you have to think about the bigger picture as a pp said, for there to be a hope of reconciliation/any kind of relationship you probably either should attend or contact your brother by phone and discuss what HE actually wants

Said by someone who had zero idea of what a toxic or dysfunctional family looks like.

good for you - seriously- but @Frazzld isnt you. Her brother isn’t your brother/sibling.

It's not a new thing but it makes absolute sense like a previous pp I'd give £100 day guest £50 night guest somewhere fancy and £20-30 for a local pub/ cricket club venue

I'm surprised how many are saying chuck £20 in a card. Obviously we don't know anybody's circumstances so these values are for those that an afford

Also think a houseplant is a terrible gift especially if they are going away but I think it's a lovely gift to give upon returning from their wedding

I wouldn't give a houseplant as a wedding gift.
Either money in a card. We got Euros In some of our wedding cards last year towards honeymoon.
We also got a really nice photo frame, Mrs Hinch does some nice ones, reasonably priced.

There are two of you going so I’d stick £50 in a card and that’d be it.

This is the classic aibu? Yes! No I'm not 😂
What's the point of asking if you don't agree with the majority of opinions you're getting.
Don't give anything over a houseplant, that's an awful wedding present!!
But I also think you need to accept that's always been your relationship as siblings and that's ok.
If I was you I'd Chuck some money in a card.

Judging someone's character when you last saw them when they were 16 is a bit unusual, as is blaming them for not talking to you when they were 10 - particularly as you are a lot older and know your family is unstable.

As for the wedding, if you choose to see it through the same lens you judge 10 year olds then, yes, don't go and remain distant. Probably for the best all round. Dynamics sound fraught with drama for you.

I'd be looking at this in a different way. Maybe it's him reaching out, maybe it's his fiancé.

Go to the wedding, give a token gift of £50 as that's the main suggested amount here. Smile and meet his new wife who might be the one who wants you there.

Think ahead a few years as he keeps growing up, having kids of his own, and there's potentially a big wing of the family you've cut yourself off from.

Worst case scenario, it's a slightly awkward event that you smile at and leave as early as politely possible from. Best case, maybe it heals a small gap between you and you're involved in his life as time goes on, and vice-versa.