Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my brother a wedding gift

122 replies

Frazzld · 01/04/2023 21:45

I don't have a relationship with my younger brother. We haven't spoken for 12+ years, apart from small talk at occasional family events eg. weddings, funerals, the odd Christmas at our parents'. I'm 35, he's 29. No arguments or anything, we just grew up in a stressful, dysfunctional home, we were never close, live 3 hours apart, and have pretty much nothing in common. I did try with him for a while, but he puts zero effort in so I just gave up. I have no other siblings.

He's getting married in May. I don't really know his partner. I'm dreading playing happy families at the wedding, I don't really want to go. My mum asked me what I'm getting them for a gift, and suggested a cash donation towards a honeymoon in Asia. I was only planning on getting them a token 'gift' maybe a houseplant (a string of hearts plant) or something. If I gift cash it's got to be a substantial amount or it will look weird. Aibu to just get them a houseplant?

Also to note I'm not married (not interested in marriage/weddings personally) but have a long-term partner of 5 years. (Just in case anyone inevitably asks what he got me for my wedding).

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 01/04/2023 23:18

Wheresthebloodynurofen · 01/04/2023 23:09

It’s irrelevant. If she feels like this she certainly shouldn’t be considering fronting up at his wedding to celebrate it and freeloading on his hospitality. She needs to decline.

Show quote history

I disagree. I think op would only be going because she felt obligated. She'd probably have a shit time.

ImAvingOops · 01/04/2023 23:34

Have you ever talked to him about your childhood and what happened with him?
If your parents have somehow trashed the relationship between you, this is something which ought to be discussed. Or if it was something your dad did, why has your mother not intervened.

I think in the end, you have to tackle this with him - send him a message to say you would like to meet up and talk about your history before his wedding. If he ignores you or declines, then don't go to the wedding. If he does meet you and you talk properly, you can go from there.

But since you are both on speaking terms with your mum, I'm thinking she has a responsibility to get to the bottom of this.

Holly60 · 01/04/2023 23:43

Frazzld · 01/04/2023 23:10

@MuffinToSeeHere
I'm not sure where I freely admitted to not caring about him? Very much the opposite. I'm saying I've tried to reach out to him over many years and he has chosen to not engage. So there is a point where you have to take the hint and respect someone's space. And you have to try to accept and move on somewhat, instead of being upset by it.

He's definitely getting the messages, he chooses to not read them, or he has me in his archived messages. He often changes his WhatsApp profile photo and communicates with my mum regularly WhatsApp, it's definitely his number.

OP don't give up on him. He is only 29 and just settling down and moving from the young and carefree stage of life.

You've got many years of being siblings left. Do you really want to start nailing the coffin shut?

£50 in a card like everyone else said. Leave the door open

LadyGAgain · 01/04/2023 23:56

Womencanlift · 01/04/2023 21:47

A house plant is what you may give if you were going round to their house for a meal, not a wedding gift

If they are asking for cash then do that but give what you can afford

This

Original poster
Frazzld · 02/04/2023 00:13

MakingTheVeganYorkshirePud · 01/04/2023 23:12

@Wheresthebloodynurofen not every individual is a materialistic twat. You might call a house plant a 'shit gift', but they are very popular at the moment and I think it'd be a lovely gift. Much better than a thoughtless 200 quid thrown in an envelope anyway.

People at my wedding will be there because I want them to be a part of my day, not because I want wads of cash.

I know his partner LOVES plants. I thought a string of hearts would be sweet 😅I think chucking £50 in a card is thoughtless and excessive for two people I barely know. But then again I'm not very good at judging stuff like this so that's why I asked here!

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzld · 02/04/2023 00:15

@ImAvingOops My mum has MH issues and only has capacity to think about herself. Partly why we're in this situation unfortunately.

OP posts:
GymNewbie · 02/04/2023 00:17

I see my siblings all the time. We live within a mile of each other. None of us got each other wedding gifts as tbh its just ' stuff' to us. We didn't need or want anything.

Original poster
Frazzld · 02/04/2023 00:18

@ImAvingOops Sorry, sent this before it was finished. Meant to add that I will try and talk to him before the wedding and be straightforward. I just don't want it to come across like I'm trying to cause a problem, there is no problem. It's their day, it's not about me. I don't want to cause any pre-wedding drama or anxiety by raising a lifetime of shit now.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 02/04/2023 00:19

Hmm. I started out thinking you HAVE to get him a proper wedding present. But I think now that you should message him and say hi x would Iove to see you and <fiancée> before your wedding, would one of the next few Sundays suit? Or if they don’t when suits you two? Our place or a pub lunch? Xx
and if he really can’t be bothered replying to that then don’t bother going at all.

viques · 02/04/2023 00:23

Why are you bothering? Stick £20, £30 or whatever you can afford or feel like in a card and send your regrets at not being able to attend due to a previous commitment. If you haven’t seen him since he was a teenager and have no interest in renewing the relationship then just let it wither away.

Spiderboy · 02/04/2023 00:43

To be fair £50 in a card is probably barely enough to cover your meal so not sure why you think he’d only invite you for the money

TomatoSandwiches · 02/04/2023 00:43

He sounds awful, I wouldn't bother going tbh.

RestingRulers · 02/04/2023 00:57

I'd go to the wedding. I'm sure you will find people to chat to. I'd give the houseplant as it sounds like a nice gift but I'd also give £50 cash for the honeymoon. Assuming you can afford it.

Your brother has been useless and badly behaved but maybe now he is getting older he might improve. Maybe you can have some relationship with his wife. I'd give it a try even though I don't think you have to morally. Don't overthink it.

I think not going is a strong statement. I wouldn't do it.

Triantha · 02/04/2023 01:01

Give him a ring and ask what he wants you to do. Say you understand if he doesn't really want you there since you haven't spoken in forever. If it's just to make Mum happy then say you're happy to go or you can save him the cost of having you and your partner there, and you can just send them a lovely card to congratulate them.

If he really does want to reconnect then go, and you can feel better about giving them some cash AND a houseplant if you want (string of hearts are lovely plants but they're about £10, not really much of a wedding gift if it's a genuine invite). He'd probably be spending around £30-50 on the food/entertainment/drinks for you to be there, so a little token gift like that is always going to look cheap, especially from a blood relative.

wordonthestreetisthat · 02/04/2023 01:01

Either don't go and give them nothing, or give them a proper gift/cash to the value of £50 or more.

I think a house plant would be offensive!

SkyandSurf · 02/04/2023 02:20

Give them the plant and some money in a card.

It's not very classy to give a low value gift because you're mad at someone.

Are you low on funds? If not then I'd give £100 minimum. It may be that you don't see him much but he's your brother and the convention would be to be more generous.

Snugglemonkey · 02/04/2023 02:25

goodkidsmaadhouse · 01/04/2023 21:53

I agree with the money in a card suggestion.

I wouldn't give anyone who considered me important enough to invite me to their wedding (and whom I considered important enough to attend) a houseplant for what is hopefully one of the most important celebrations of their life.

This. A plant is rude!

Monkey987 · 02/04/2023 02:48

ImAvingOops · 01/04/2023 23:34

Have you ever talked to him about your childhood and what happened with him?
If your parents have somehow trashed the relationship between you, this is something which ought to be discussed. Or if it was something your dad did, why has your mother not intervened.

I think in the end, you have to tackle this with him - send him a message to say you would like to meet up and talk about your history before his wedding. If he ignores you or declines, then don't go to the wedding. If he does meet you and you talk properly, you can go from there.

But since you are both on speaking terms with your mum, I'm thinking she has a responsibility to get to the bottom of this.

I think this is all a bit extreme. I had a funny childhood with a mum with serious mental health problems. We were in an out of care.

My little brother and I similar to you have no relationship but not in a bad way. When we see each other we make small talk. He was the baby of the family and expected my sisters and I to contact him. I realise this isn't his fault, just habit.

Its just circumstances. Some things are better left unsaid. You're both fully aware of your problematic childhood. Don't drag it back up and don't rely on your mum to 'fix' it.

Mumsnet will tell you to get therapy and have a deep chat. People that give this advice don't understand your family dynamics and have probably had a 'perfect' childhood.

I'd go but like previously suggested put £50 in a card and consider it the cost of a meal for you and your partner. Don't burn bridges.

FragranceFree · 02/04/2023 02:53

I think a houseplant is almost insulting. Get a photo frame from TKMaxx or something.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2023 05:14

Your brother is a product of his upbringing. I also would not give up on him. He may grow up when he has children and appreciate the need for family.

You know enough about his fiancée to know she likes a plant so there is not zero relationship. If you feel able, I would send a hand written acceptance saying you love him and you’re so pleased to be invited and would love a relationship with him and his wife to be when he’s ready. Don’t do it with expectations as that will disappoint you.

A plant btw is silly idea because they could be going away just after the wedding. It will probably just die.

Cash in a card isn’t impersonal. These days, a bank transfer is better. Cash has been known to go missing. They’ll probably send you details of their bank account if you accept. Tbh, these days, money is the norm. Money towards the wedding or honeymoon.

In a posh hotel, the cost is a minimum of £100 a head. £50 for the 2 of you wouldn’t even cover your presence even in a budget scenario. Give what you can afford. I’ve been invited to a cousin’s wedding, who I don’t even know before. It’s just nice for family to all get together if the budget allows.

BlueKaftan · 02/04/2023 05:57

I wouldn’t go to the wedding or give a gift. He’s chosen to have no relationship with you, so it’s all on him.

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 06:21

If you feel your brother doesn't really want you there and you don't really want to go then surely the sensible thing would be to not go. Contact him and say you're not sure you have funds in your budget for the wedding...outfit, transport maybe accomodation. Say you're sure he understands but if it's going to cause hurt or embarrassment you'll have to seriously rethink your budget.
That way brother gets to 'do the right thing' by releasing you of obligation and no falling out.
Forget the plant. If you do go to the wedding either give money or a small gift (Lonely Planet Book, picture frame) or nothing. A plant is just odd. It's on a par with a shepherd's pie, or 4 bottles of Stellar.

donttellmehesalive · 02/04/2023 06:35

I think you are making a lot of assumptions. You have no idea what he thinks of you or why he invited you. Given how expensive weddings are per guest, I very much doubt that his main motive was your cash gift.

Since he experienced the same dysfunctional childhood that you did, you also have no idea why he hasn't felt able to keep in touch until now.

Personally, I would assume the best possible motive and intentions and go with an open mind. I'd do my best to enjoy the day and maybe see it as a last chance to build some bridges. I'd put whatever I could afford in a card because that is what they have asked for.

If the cost or logistics of attending are too much for you, send a card with a nice note.

ComeOnNumber100 · 02/04/2023 06:43

If you believe that a plant is something that they would really like then get the plant but take it round after they’re back from their honeymoon with a little something else. I wouldn’t give a family member cash for a gift, it’s thoughtless.

donttellmehesalive · 02/04/2023 06:54

ComeOnNumber100 · 02/04/2023 06:43

If you believe that a plant is something that they would really like then get the plant but take it round after they’re back from their honeymoon with a little something else. I wouldn’t give a family member cash for a gift, it’s thoughtless.

It's the opposite of thoughtless if it's what they want and asked for.

Thoughtless is thinking you know what they want more than they do themselves imo.