Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give my brother a wedding gift

122 replies

Frazzld · 01/04/2023 21:45

I don't have a relationship with my younger brother. We haven't spoken for 12+ years, apart from small talk at occasional family events eg. weddings, funerals, the odd Christmas at our parents'. I'm 35, he's 29. No arguments or anything, we just grew up in a stressful, dysfunctional home, we were never close, live 3 hours apart, and have pretty much nothing in common. I did try with him for a while, but he puts zero effort in so I just gave up. I have no other siblings.

He's getting married in May. I don't really know his partner. I'm dreading playing happy families at the wedding, I don't really want to go. My mum asked me what I'm getting them for a gift, and suggested a cash donation towards a honeymoon in Asia. I was only planning on getting them a token 'gift' maybe a houseplant (a string of hearts plant) or something. If I gift cash it's got to be a substantial amount or it will look weird. Aibu to just get them a houseplant?

Also to note I'm not married (not interested in marriage/weddings personally) but have a long-term partner of 5 years. (Just in case anyone inevitably asks what he got me for my wedding).

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 02/04/2023 06:55

Start afresh.

Bad vibes don't have to continue for a lifetime.
Your brother is getting married and you are invited.
Disfunctional family life was not his doing either.
Throw the monkey off your back.

Accept the invitation if you can.
Give a cash donation of what you can afford or 100 pounds.
Treat each other like civil adults; be polite and happy for him.
It's one day and you can make it a good day for yourself.

thegrain · 02/04/2023 06:58

My mum asked me what I'm getting them for a gift, and suggested a cash donation towards a honeymoon in Asia why is your mum getting involved?

Just get them a tiny plant and stick a tenner in a card

Ladybug14 · 02/04/2023 07:00

You say he hasn't read your messages. If that's true, then he doesn't know what you've said, nor will he have seen your invitations to meet up

So..... I'm a bit unclear as to why you think he's gone NC with you

I'm also unclear why (based on the above) you feel that he's invited you to his wedding because he HAS to and for your gift

It doesn't make any sense to me

ComeOnNumber100 · 02/04/2023 07:01

donttellmehesalive · 02/04/2023 06:54

It's the opposite of thoughtless if it's what they want and asked for.

Thoughtless is thinking you know what they want more than they do themselves imo.

Show quote history

Good job you’re not marrying my brother then. Or is that you Kirsty?

justasmalltownmum · 02/04/2023 07:20

thegrain · 02/04/2023 06:58

My mum asked me what I'm getting them for a gift, and suggested a cash donation towards a honeymoon in Asia why is your mum getting involved?

Just get them a tiny plant and stick a tenner in a card

A tenner???

Enko · 02/04/2023 07:24

I loathe it when people give me houseplants. I do not have green fingers so it's like someone telling me "here have something to kill" do you even know if they like houseplants?

I also don't think jts an appropriate wedding gift.

Dozycuntlaters · 02/04/2023 08:09

All these people making comments that OP is making assumptions and doesn't know if he wants her there or not.... OP has been trying for years to engage with him and he's clearly not interested. I think she knows the score with him without countless people telling her she's got it wrong.

OP I agree with you. It sounds like he's inviting you because you're his sister and it's just what you do. You have to do with what you feel is best for you and your well being. I think before you accept you should initiate contact with him and ask if maybe you could meet up before the wedding and if he doesn't bother responding then I would just decline the invitation. Be honest to him about why you're not going and just tell him that should he ever decide he wants a relationship with you that door is always open. Then stop making the effort and leave him to it.

Original poster
Frazzld · 02/04/2023 09:47

Ladybug14 · 02/04/2023 07:00

You say he hasn't read your messages. If that's true, then he doesn't know what you've said, nor will he have seen your invitations to meet up

So..... I'm a bit unclear as to why you think he's gone NC with you

I'm also unclear why (based on the above) you feel that he's invited you to his wedding because he HAS to and for your gift

It doesn't make any sense to me

Not sure what part you don't understand. He is actively ignoring my messages because he doesn't care. I wasn't born yesterday 😅My mum is aware he ignores me and brushes it off as him being a young guy with video games ro play who isn't really bothered about talking to his 35yo sister.

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 02/04/2023 09:59

I'd be spending £25 in this scenario , not £50 as he's not close to you

Do you want to go to his wedding? It might be that in attending and meeting his new wife, she might want to make DBro make more of an effort ...

So your plant idea is good idea if you know his new wife would like it

When I'm not sure and don't know people that well, I send this kind of present :-

Mr. & Mrs. Couple Aprons Set（2PCS）Adjustable Kitchen Cooking Bib Apron Wedding Anniversary Engagement Bridal Shower Gift For Couples and Newlyweds amzn.eu/d/g6yc5JM

Beachwalker66 · 02/04/2023 10:01

I don’t really understand why you are going to the wedding.

He doesn’t want you there and you don’t want to go.

Bleachmycloths · 02/04/2023 10:11

Houseplant? No. Looks passive aggressive.
You sound nice as you made an effort in the past but it was not reciprocated. But he has actually invited you to his wedding so don’t put yourself in the wrong and leave yourself open to criticism.
Put cash in a wedding card (whatever you can afford), in the local currency is a nice touch and go to the wedding. This will be the price of maintaining your self esteem, self respect and reputation.
You never know, it might rekindle your relationship. If not, so be it. Good luck.

RestingRulers · 02/04/2023 10:46

user1492757084 · 02/04/2023 06:55

Start afresh.

Bad vibes don't have to continue for a lifetime.
Your brother is getting married and you are invited.
Disfunctional family life was not his doing either.
Throw the monkey off your back.

Accept the invitation if you can.
Give a cash donation of what you can afford or 100 pounds.
Treat each other like civil adults; be polite and happy for him.
It's one day and you can make it a good day for yourself.

I think you must be new to Mumsnet! 😅 You don't sound at all bitter and jaded😂

This is how I would view it too. Maybe nothing will come of doing this but I'd much rather accept the invitation and go with the hope it will be a positive and happy event. Maybe the brother will have matured a little or maybe the new wife will be a positive influence on him. Who knows but surely it's worth a try. It's only a wedding, surely you can go along and enjoy it.
I'd feel happier giving the relationship another chance rather than some of the more sour responses on this thread.

Tiani4 · 02/04/2023 10:58

Where are all these people that give £100 for a wedding present?! Or even £50 in cash?!

My lovely Dsis bought us a £25 present and we are close. Same as my friends. The only person giving £100 or more was my parents, not even my exMIL gave that ...!!

Tiani4 · 02/04/2023 10:59

I think when people have to travel as well and current COL no one should be expecting £50-100 wedding gifts..!!!

Original poster
Frazzld · 02/04/2023 11:00

Beachwalker66 · 02/04/2023 10:01

I don’t really understand why you are going to the wedding.

He doesn’t want you there and you don’t want to go.

It's more for our mum's benefit. Also if I don't go it will perpetuate my black sheep of the family status. Because I'm a bit different - geeky, quiet, left my hometown, went to uni, travelled, have a career, have decided not to get married or have babies etc. All the hallmarks of an unhinged woman in my family's eyes! Whatever I do, I'm criticised tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frazzld · 02/04/2023 11:04

@Tiani4 I'm so surprised by the amounts of cash being suggested too. I'm not on the breadline but £50-£100 cash for a wedding gift seems A LOT to me.

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 02/04/2023 11:11

Its cost9ng him more that £50-100 to have you both at the wedding.

You're invited for appearances sake, you're going for appearances sake so make the appropriate gift even if you dont want to go or gift it.

Or dont go. But personally I'd chuck the money in the card and forget about it.

PonyPatter44 · 02/04/2023 11:12

There must be SOME sort of relationship there, if you know that his fiancee likes houseplants? Or is that just what your mentally-unwell dysfunctional mother told you? Because, you know, it might not be entirely true.

I know you said you've sent messages but he doesn't read them. Have you tried speaking to him instead? If he's close to your mum, and your mum did 'divide and conquer ' tactics on you as children, he may just be listening to her opinionof you as gospel. This happened in my family, relationships between pretty much the whole lot of us are in tatters and always have been.

amiold · 02/04/2023 11:19

When I attend a wedding I always try to gift around what my attendance will cost the bride and groom. For example, all day guest at fancy hotel £100. Nighttime with bus provided £50. Local working men's with buffet £20.

I don't think you can give a houseplant 😂 would you turn up to the function with it?

If you're not going to give a decent gift I think I'd decline the invite.

JupiterFortified · 02/04/2023 11:29

If you decide to go then I would put £50 in a card.

If you decide not to go then I would just make polite excuses as to why you can’t make it.

I wouldn’t overcomplicate it beyond that.

JupiterFortified · 02/04/2023 11:30

CheersForThatEh · 02/04/2023 11:11

Its cost9ng him more that £50-100 to have you both at the wedding.

You're invited for appearances sake, you're going for appearances sake so make the appropriate gift even if you dont want to go or gift it.

Or dont go. But personally I'd chuck the money in the card and forget about it.

This is good advice I think.

SeanMean · 02/04/2023 11:35

A house plant is a horrible gift.

Attend the wedding and put money in a card.

Job done.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 02/04/2023 11:41

I dont know your financial situation but you could put 100 quid in a card? Houseplant is ridiculous , not a wedding gift

Ladybug14 · 02/04/2023 11:42

Frazzld · 02/04/2023 09:47

Not sure what part you don't understand. He is actively ignoring my messages because he doesn't care. I wasn't born yesterday 😅My mum is aware he ignores me and brushes it off as him being a young guy with video games ro play who isn't really bothered about talking to his 35yo sister.

Show quote history

I see

So you actually know for a fact (no assumptions -- fact) that he has gone NC with you for 12 years

Then of course you shouldn't go to the wedding

It wouldn't make any sense to go

But if you insist on going as your Mum has asked you to go (very unfair of her imo) I think you should give whatever you can afford to whatever your Mum has suggested

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 02/04/2023 11:42

Frazzld · 02/04/2023 11:04

@Tiani4 I'm so surprised by the amounts of cash being suggested too. I'm not on the breadline but £50-£100 cash for a wedding gift seems A LOT to me.

It will cost your brother more to have both of you at the wedding? 100 pounds for a wedding gift for your brother is not much. Even if you dont get along. Were you going to put a fiver in a card?!