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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run dilemma.

567 replies

whydid · 01/04/2023 19:53

I don't want to drip feed so will try to include everything.

My son has started reception this year at the local school around 5 minutes walk away.
I have a 2.5 year old and I'm pregnant due May 10th!

On the odd time I have took my neighbours son to school with me when she had an emergency or she was feeding her baby.

Yesterday morning she dropped into conversation that they cannot keep affording to send their 12 year old to school via taxi anymore and as he has anxiety he cannot go by bus so will be needing to drive her to school and can I permanently take her younger son to school and in the afternoons pick him up and bring him home with me till 5pm ish as she needs to collect baby from childminder and it's becoming too tight.
(She is stopping after school wrap around care as it is too expensive)

When I mentioned I will be saddled with a newborn next month her response was "well you would still be doing it anyway so what's an extra child" and I just was so shocked I didn't reply and my toddler started crying so I said my goodbyes.

How do I deal with this without making it extremely awkward for the rest of our lives. As these homes are both our "forever homes"

OP posts:
MumOf2workOptions · 01/04/2023 21:22

Flangeosaurus · 01/04/2023 19:55

Text her: Sorry I was a bit flustered before because x was crying! I’m sorry but I can’t help with your youngest in that way, I’ve got too much on with my own after school. Hope you manage to get sorted with it x

Exactly
I'd point out to her also that you are not a registered childminder and that she needs to make her own arrangements!!

LoveBluey · 01/04/2023 21:27

It's not a dilemma. She is out of order asking and you should say no immediately and definitely not apologise.

Hotpinkangel19 · 01/04/2023 21:30

Absolutely not! Cheeky cow!

Heroicallyfound · 01/04/2023 21:30

Yes! I don't understand why I feel like this.

I think it's because I've martyred myself over the past 5 years, I've never asked for help

yes, but next question is why have you martyred yourself? Who’s made you feel like you’re not allowed to say no to people? Usually it stems from childhood experiences because that’s when your brain is malleable enough to get set in a pattern. And often people-pleasing is actually parent-pleasing at its root, and fear is big in childhood when it’s the adults around you (the ones you depend on for survival) that intimidate you into never saying no to them. So that big fear gets carried over into adulthood, even when there’s nothing to be fearful of when you’re an adult. It might not be exactly this for you, but once you understand your own pattern and can watch yourself doing it, you can practice riding out the fear and making choices that suit you better, and life improves as the fear lessens :)

Royalbloo · 01/04/2023 21:32

Ok, so how is this, "I know things are tough, they are for everyone. I assumed you were joking earlier about taking X to school. We all have so much on. Hope you get it sorted!"

Bye!

Delatron · 01/04/2023 21:41

Royalbloo · 01/04/2023 21:32

Ok, so how is this, "I know things are tough, they are for everyone. I assumed you were joking earlier about taking X to school. We all have so much on. Hope you get it sorted!"

Bye!

I like the ‘I assumed you were joking’ part but I don’t think you need the opener about things being tough. And you need to be very clear. - I won’t be able to look after your child after school - hope you can find a childminder that has availability. Or something that makes it very clear that you won’t help with any part of it. With zero apology.

Weallgottachangesometime · 01/04/2023 21:43

Oh god no. Stamp this out now and say no or you’ll be doing her shit work forever.

It’s really not normal for people to be so cheeky. She’s trying to use you.

Goldbar · 01/04/2023 22:00

I'd just send a text saying "Hi X, just to reiterate that taking Jack (or whatever) to school and collecting him everyday doesn't work for me or my DC. After the baby comes, I'll need to focus on them. Maybe have a look at childminders to see if they can help."

Then I'd stop engaging and just ignore any further suggestions that you should do it. Ultimately, she'll get the message if you fail to show up to collect her DC or pick them up.

redbigbananafeet · 02/04/2023 09:49

Does she plan on paying you for the childcare you're providing?

redbigbananafeet · 02/04/2023 09:50

Any reply to your text?

thegrain · 02/04/2023 09:52

Flangeosaurus · 01/04/2023 19:55

Text her: Sorry I was a bit flustered before because x was crying! I’m sorry but I can’t help with your youngest in that way, I’ve got too much on with my own after school. Hope you manage to get sorted with it x

Perf

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 02/04/2023 10:15

I think your thread title is misleading. You do not have a dilemma. You just have to say No. She has the dilemma!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/04/2023 20:47

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 01/04/2023 20:47

Just text her "sorry think you've got your wires crossed somewhere, I'm not a child minder. Hope you find someone to have xx."

Or, my hourly rates at £20pr hr, in advance. I'm not registered for ofsted or childcare vouchers or do I plan to be.

"No. That doesn't work for me. "
Practice it in front of the mirror.

"I hear X is good." Pick Expensive well rated local establishment)
Response to protestations "well, you get what you pay for".

turtlemurtle1982 · 02/04/2023 21:12

No way commit yourself.

Don't apologise. I would message- hi x, you caught me off guard earlier. I won't be able to help as I'll have my hands full with my own kids including a newborn. I hope you figure something out.

Devoutspoken · 02/04/2023 21:15

Give the anxiety line right back at her, tell her it was triggered by your pregnancy, she's a massive cf

Shinyandnew1 · 02/04/2023 21:32

Sorry, no-you’ve already got your hands full.

Shes asking for free daily wraparound care at your expense!

doodlejump1980 · 02/04/2023 21:50

are the two school children - yours in reception and hers aged 12, even at the same school? Or is she expecting you to take her child to a different school?

Cosycover · 02/04/2023 21:56

What did she reply?

Original poster
whydid · 02/04/2023 21:58

doodlejump1980 · 02/04/2023 21:50

are the two school children - yours in reception and hers aged 12, even at the same school? Or is she expecting you to take her child to a different school?

Her 12 year old is at a school 5 minutes drive away.
And the reception is at the school a 5 minute walk away.

OP posts:
Original poster
whydid · 02/04/2023 22:05

Cosycover · 02/04/2023 21:56

What did she reply?

I sent this text
"Good evening, in response to your childcare request this morning, I cannot commit to it and think it be best if you find permanent solution. Have a nice night x"

And she responded with

"hi, I'm just confused because it's not going out of your way, after school he will just be sitting in yours before either one of us gets home, as dh is self employed his jobs are important and he cannot afford to leave at school pick up and when the eldest arrives he will be entertaining them, you don't need to look after them and thought as a friend you would want to help out like I have told you plenty of times to send your son over but it's not my fault if you didn't take up the offer"

She sent that reply back at 9pm tonight so obviously been stewing on the reply. I haven't replied yet!

OP posts:
MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 02/04/2023 22:10

i think you need to be super blunt. Don’t do what I would have the tendency to do which is to massively over explain and try and justify my reasons. I would probably waffle on about the oldest having a club or starting an activity etc but actually the fact is you DON’T need to justify anything. You do not want to do this. You cannot do this. You should not have been asked to do this. Short and simple reply. ‘Unfortunately I can’t help you with this.’

Ikilledthebabysharkdododuhdodudoo · 02/04/2023 22:10

“It is going out of my way. I’m about to have a newborn baby, I don’t need another child added in. The answer is no.”

MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 02/04/2023 22:11

MovedByFanciesThatAreCurled · 02/04/2023 22:10

i think you need to be super blunt. Don’t do what I would have the tendency to do which is to massively over explain and try and justify my reasons. I would probably waffle on about the oldest having a club or starting an activity etc but actually the fact is you DON’T need to justify anything. You do not want to do this. You cannot do this. You should not have been asked to do this. Short and simple reply. ‘Unfortunately I can’t help you with this.’

Actually - on second thoughts - get rid of the ‘unfortunately’. See - I can’t help myself!

Wackowacko · 02/04/2023 22:11

‘Your childcare is not my responsibility’

Slimjimtobe · 02/04/2023 22:16

She’s horrible

just don’t reply and don’t engage

it’s extremely cheeky of her