To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Do you think she did this to get at you? Some kind of attack?

Or she genuinely liked the name and didn't think beyond that?

Amen to that.

Just stop with the "get counselling" already.

....couples, private, grief...bloody hell. She has an abusive SIL.

WHO changed the name at the last minute to shock EVERYONE

I suggested couple's counselling in case OP is interested in trying to save her marriage.

Of course OP's feelings are completely reasonable and understandable, she is not "unhinged", and she doesn't have to put up with toxic people like her SIL.

However, she is also married to this man and has children with him, so she might decide that couple's counselling is worth a try.

Do not lump my suggestion in the same category as the others.

And FWIW, I have very toxic and dysfunctional in-laws, and couple's counselling was extremely beneficial to me and DH - not least because (among other factors) it persuaded him to get his own counselling to discuss his family of origin, which he badly needed.

Thanks everyone.

WRT our marriage: our separation isn’t due to this incident in isolation. We have drifted apart and there is no real intimacy. Feel very much like flatmates and have done for a while. Our daughter is two and I appreciate that this is common once a baby comes along but I don’t believe to this extent. He travels a lot with work and I don’t look forward to him returning particularly, and quite enjoy the peace. We have an extremely unvolitile household - we don’t argue. I’m pretty adamant about this anyway - I know what it’s like to grow up in an agressive household and I don’t want this for my daughter. DH is quite distressed by the prospect of separation and doesn’t want this at all.

I have absolutely zero interest in meeting someone new. My mum would bring all sorts of men back home and I despised the intrusion. It also demonstrated to me just how many grown adult men are ‘interested’ in teenage girls. My daughter is my priority and frankly I haven’t the time or inclination to date to filter out someone who will not view her as baggage. Absolutely no offence intended here.

I don’t have a support network and I am extremely conscious of this. However, i do run my own business and have structured it so I can drop work at a moments notice if my daughter is unwell, for example. I am grateful for this privilege. I do however have incredible friends who are just like family.

important to note that this is just a window into my life. I function very effectively and I am not someone who thrives on misery. Absolutely the opposite. My daughter is a miracle to me: I often look at her and am just overjoyed at how confident and happy she is. I am so proud of the well adjusted, happy little thing she is. I am not underestimating the consequences and ramifications of her parents separating and to say she is my absolute priority is the biggest understatement i could possibly make.

when I say ‘I don’t have a support network’ I mean in the sense that I don’t have parents or other family members of my own to rely on in emergencies. But this is no different to friends I have who live in towns miles from their families.

@mnhq, you're happy to let stand this person's post making slurs against the OP's mental state by calling her 'unhinged', but you delete posts calling it out? Gosh. What a sad little state of affairs.

@CarinaBee you are a super star with a strong moral compass and your DH will sadly rue the day he didn’t put more into the marriage.

I guess his spineless Behaviour about the name is just the nail in the coffin.

Urgh hugs to you and a thousands papercuts to the self absorbed and entirely unpleasant SIL.

curses, like chickens, some home to roast.

She’ll get hers

lol !!!

curses, like chickens come home to ROOST!!!!

I honestly think she's being a massive bitch.

But maybe you can switch your thinking around this to having her name living on in a beautiful little girl. You can make it a tribute to her.

I also think you are being unfair to your husband (a bit!). But if they are so close she should listen to him

Can you ask him to talk to her on his own?

Sorry just seen the update !

DH is quite distressed by the prospect of separation and doesn’t want this at all.

Well then, he should have spent time with you yesterday, communicating and talking things through with you. Instead, he minimised your feelings and went off for lunch with his family (which he does every weekend, so he would have seen them next Sunday, if not before, anyway).

He should you and your SiL yesterday that his loyalties lie with them; your marriage is secondary to him.

However, you seem like you have accepted this, and are just trying to be as practical and calm as possible about the separation. Hats off to you.

I think you’re right to separate. It’s maddening when people like your DH indust that someone isn’t being malicious when they are being deliberately cruel.

she chose the name to hurt you and to show you that her feelings matter more than yours. Your MIL knows it’s not right but feels she has to support her daughter, your husband does not have the same constraints. He should support instead of suggesting that what your SIL is doing is okay.

It’s all so stupid because your SIL can’t possibly want the name for itself. She’s name her daughter out of spite and jealousy. That’s so unhealthy.

Just one thing. Please don't let this separation to be seen by others as being about the name. This poor baby doesn't need to grow up being told that her name resulted in the end of her uncle's marriage.

As far as the inlaws are concerned, it's about everything BUT the name. I know that it would ultimately be SIL's fault if the child had to bear this, but it doesn't come down to whow caused it. She simply must never bear that burden in the first place.

Another spectacular missing of the point. Guess empathy and emotional intelligence don’t feature much in your life?!

I think he’s been a wet noodle with respect to his sister, and I understand the lack of emotional intimacy. But that is something that can wax and wane in a marriage. I think you are underestimating the lifelong devastation of divorce on a child. If she’s your priority, it’s not something to be cavalier about.

It will mean being tossed between two homes constantly. It will likely mean spending time as an appendage to his next family. It will absolutely bring sadness that cannot be repaired, no matter how many people come and tell you they are fine despite having divorced parents.

Don’t be so obtuse and RTFT !

That’s on the SIL not the OP and none of her concern or interest.

My worry would be that the ILs as a family would run you down as a person to your child @CarinaBee. Your SIL definitely would. I don’t know how you could begin to prevent that. Be prepared for them all to turn on you, once they see you are resolute about separation. I think you need to think long and hard about your next steps. I think you need to put some distance between yourself and them, but you don’t have freedom of choice because of access.

I think you might be able to overcome some of your marital issues with help but this unhealthy dynamic between him and his family particularly his sister is a dealbreaker.

I can see my H in this tbh because he has a huge blind spot where his toxic sister is concerned. I also have a toxic sister and it eventually emerged that while she was playing the lovely auntie she was bad mouthing me to my kids. One called her out on it. I’d be fearful of this family being the same with OP’s little girl.

Ah yes, the advice often levelled at women to stay in their unhappy marriages 'for the sake of the children'.

I'm the daughter of a mother who did just that. Her action stemmed from a belief that she was doing the best thing for her children, and that to do otherwise and put her (very meagre) emotional needs first would be 'selfish', and that all this emotional damage would doubtless be on her.

Her actions arose from the belief that no matter how unhealthy her relationship with my father was, how emotionally remote he was, and more interested in his FOO than her or his children, this would be less damaging to us than coming from a 'broken home'.

She was grievously wrong. The ramifications of this decision have followed me throughout life and into cPTSD therapy in my 40s. I wish she'd left him. I'd have had a far securer and happier life if she had. It's done both me and my brother incalculable damage.

This is not to say my story is going to match every, sadly common, story of children of an unhappy marriage. But the 'stay for the sake of the children' mentality seldom works. There are two sides to this coin, and what you are suggesting is potentially harmful. To model for your children a marriage with no intimacy, a husband who puts put you last on the list of priorities always, in-laws who do likewise and support their own over you despite how out of line they may be and are backed by your disloyal partner: is that a healthy relationship dynamic to model for your children?

She will learn, as female children often do, that their needs matter less than others' and that no matter what their emotional distress, they come below those of the trivial wants of others. Instead, it would be better to learn healthy boundaries and that people - even mothers - are entitled to expect better from their lives than this.

Levelling guilt trips on women who don't want to accept being last on everyone's priority list - not least suggesting this is 'damaging' to their children - is not on.

If SIL named her daughter after your sister to deliberately upset you, and that results in her twin brother’s divorce and you never seeing her again, it’s a cruelty that she will forever have to live with, reminded of every time she calls/yells at/looks at her daughter.

Have you thought of reverse psychology?

get really, really gushy about how amazing it is they’ve called the little one after your sister and you’re so honoured, you’ll think of her every time you see her. You’ll want to be very involved, when can you have her overnight? It’ll be so lovely having a Camilla around again…

might make her back off if you can make her nee baby all about your sister?

That’s on the SIL not the OP and none of her concern or interest

@allmyliesaretrue I made it very clear in the post you quoted, that I'm not talking about fault. Who caused the problem would make absolutely no difference to the child's experience or feelings about her name. And throughout this thread, OP has shown nothing but warmth and concern for the baby, so I very much doubt that she wants her to be hurt, even if OP could point the finger and say " Well it's her mums fault"

DH is quite distressed by the prospect of separation and doesn’t want this at all.

You seem so fatalistic, as if the end of your marriage is out of your control. But it's completely in your control, especially since your DH wants to save it. Your marriage to the father of your child really is worth making the effort to fix. You loved him before - enough to marry him and plan a life with him. You can find that love and happiness again.

The whole purpose of anger is to give us the impetus to bring about change. Use your anger to make the changes you need in your marriage, instead of just quitting.

What do you need? If it's a return of pre-child emotional intimacy then you do need to both prioritise it. ( it does wax and wane over the course of a marriage, and a temporary loss of emotional intimacy is very very common when you have a young child)

• a deliberate choice to have dinner later together a couple of times a week when DD is in bed and just talk?
• regular child-free evenings out with him to reconnect? Childcare by a non-family babysitter so that there's no family pressure!
• what made you happy together when you first got together? Make time for whatever that is!
• regular family days out, working together as a team and enjoying family life together?
• for him to change job so that he doesn't work away? (this might be a 1-2 year plan, but is almost certainly achievable if it is important to you)
• different pattern of engagement with his family? (fewer visits, and only him going)
• moving to London as a family?

Everything is up for negotiation. You really have nothing to lose in trying.

Just want you to see that your options aren't just a)"stay and accept things as they are" or b) "end the marriage"

The health of your marriage isn't something that just exists independently, and you have to put up with how it is.

You are your DH's wife, the mother of his child, and he cares about your marriage. You need to actively figure out together how to make it work (even if that means big changes)