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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a shitty thing to say?

133 replies

Ok123 · 01/04/2023 14:50

Settle an argument beween me and DP…

Came home around 2.30 and said I was starving as I hadn’t eaten all day. DP comes out with “well it doesn’t look like it”, and I’m immediately offended.

For context, I HAVE put on around 1.5 stone since is meeting 6 years ago have having DD, but am still at max a size 12, mostly clothes a size 10. He isn’t happy with this (neither am I to be fair), but I get constant comments about it. When I challenged him on it, apparently I can’t get upset because it’s true.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 01/04/2023 17:35

Sorry to be blunt OP but you know this isn't the man you're going to grow old with don't you? He is one of those men who care most about image, over & above love and devotion.
He isn't going to be changing your catheter for you in 15 years time when you have an operation or be your carer if you become incapacitated for a period of time. He isn't going to be resisting temptation when he reaches the 'mid-life crisis' age, out of adoration for the love of his life. To people like him, the love of their lives are the ones who look the best.
Love and the feelings we have for the person we love isn't something men like him experience. Emotions don't turn men like him on. Physical attraction is the only attraction they experience.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you know is only attracted to your physicalities and nothing else? I know I wouldn't.
I'd also be terrified that my DD would grow up to have a severe ED (and that she would develop his shallow, vain attitude), which is highly likely from what you describe :(

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/04/2023 17:36

My god, what a toxic asshole. Is this how you plan to spend the rest of your life?

How did you get together with him in the first place? That sort of nasty, vile character doesn't emerge overnight. That's who he IS.

His poor daughter.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 01/04/2023 17:37

He sounds terrible! His comments to you are bad enough, but to treat his preteen daughter like that, is vile.
How has he changed in 6yrs? I assume he has the body of an Adonis?!
Is there anything about him that you can just 'drop' into the conversation-like, if he sits down 'did I just hear the chair groan?' Or, if his going a bit thin on top, comment on his 'recedingly good hairline'!
See how long he feels self confident then.
I'm outraged on your behalf, OP.

Phonemonkey2023 · 01/04/2023 17:37

He uses one of your weaknesses against you - for what? A shitty comment that doesn’t even make sense, no one is visibly slimmer for not eating until the afternoon. He’s got issues if bringing people who love him down is something he enjoys.

SchoolTripDrama · 01/04/2023 17:38

Slight correction - "Being turned on by the feelings we have for the person we love isn't something men like him experience. Emotions don't turn men like him on. Physical attraction is the only* attraction they experience.

katepilar · 01/04/2023 17:39

The fact you put on weight /weigh more than he would like doesnt give him right to make nasty comments about it. Sorry you have this treatment from your husband.

Densol57 · 01/04/2023 17:40

Wow ! He sounds an absolutely vile being ( not even human )
He is already emotionally damaging his own daughter.
Are you going to wait around until he damages your daughter
urgh - Id be already booting him out
poor you, your daughter and his daughter x

katepilar · 01/04/2023 17:42

Ok123 · 01/04/2023 16:24

My self esteem has really taken a hammering in the last few years. I have brought this up to him, but I just get “would you prefer me to lie to you?”.

Apparently no one could ruin his self esteem because he’s really confident in himself, it’s not up to him to “fluff up” my confidence 🙄

He has zero confidence, otherwise he wouldnt bash yours to pump his up.

DieDeutschLehrerin · 01/04/2023 17:47

OP i think you have worked far too hard on overcoming restricted eating to allow this man to do this to you any more. Please remove yourself.

Not only am I about 1.5stone heavier than when we first met, I no longer have my left boob. I don't know if I will ever get it reconstruction. DH has never, ever made anything other than positive comments about or shown anything but appreciation for my body, which is now so far from the beauty norm.
Please don't settle for so much less than you deserve.

CockSpadget · 01/04/2023 17:50

Good god, he’s bloody vile! I’d be fucking raging if my OH said anything like that to me. There is no way I’d raise a child in the same house as him.

Denise82 · 01/04/2023 17:50

The more you update, the more you must realise. He is not making you happy. You need to leave him, life is too short to be in an unhappy relationship. I wish you all the best, hopefully with your new life without this loser. Xx

Gerwurtztraminer · 01/04/2023 17:52

So if it wasn't your weight he'd pick on something else to taunt you. He only chooses weight as he knows your history and that it gets to you (you haven't eaten says he said it).

And based on what he says to his own daughter, he won't change. If anything your daughter is in the firing line when she gets older and her confidence will will be on the floor too. Don't let that happen.

Don't put up with it, make plans to leave. And in the meantime criticise the thing you know he's secretly sensitive about, but hey ho, you are just being honest and it's not your job to fluff up his confidence.

Cakeandcardio · 01/04/2023 18:03

This isn't what a decent man would do. Shallow bastard. I agree with the pp - comment on his dick. And know that you don't measure your worth by the comments of a twat of a man!

MistyGreenAndBlue · 01/04/2023 18:05

katepilar · 01/04/2023 17:42

He has zero confidence, otherwise he wouldnt bash yours to pump his up.

Show quote history

I was going to say this. Actually, his self esteem is in the gutter. That's why he puts you down
In case you leave him because you realise he's not good enough for you

And to make himself feel better probably.

slowquickstep · 01/04/2023 18:06

I assume you have handed him a roll of black bags before going upstairs opening the bedroom window and chucking his clothes out of it ? Very soon he will start making comments about your childs weight.

RosesInWater · 01/04/2023 18:09

Tell him you have noticed he has bad breath. That will keep him guessing as to whether he has or not. Move swiftly away any time he gets near you with a "Ew" what's that smell?

Then go - when you have taken your half of the joint account.

Dottymug · 01/04/2023 18:11

A lot of the comments on here suggest insulting him back, but trading insults isn't going to make you feel any better. You need to leave him, for your sake and your daughter's. He is a horrible person and you will be much better off without him.

TheNoodlesIncident · 01/04/2023 18:18

It genuinely doesn't matter if he's an Adonis or not. He could be perfectly proportioned in every angle and it still doesn't matter. We are in relationships with people to enhance our lives, and if someone doesn't make your life better by being in it, what is the point in being in a relationship with them?

He's making you feel bad about yourself and making himself feel better about that by telling himself that "it's the truth" and the truth is more helpful. So he is validating his behaviour to you, and making himself feel good, by making you feel like shit. And he's doing it to his teenage DD too. In years to come, that will be your DD also.

I wouldn't stand for this any more. You deserve better and so does your DD (and his, poor girl). I had a stepfather who commented on spots and "fatness" (we weren't overweight) and ugliness. It's so damaging. I'm not saying you're condoning this by letting him get away with it, but it does need to stop, doesn't it.

Azaleah · 01/04/2023 18:23

Hiya, has he always been like that? Or is it a recent thing?

NameChangeNumber359 · 01/04/2023 18:27

What an absolute cunt.

Your partner is supposed to support you and raise you up, not belittle you and make abusive remarks. Do not put up with this OP, you deserve better.

RedEyeBaby · 01/04/2023 18:31

Well, I've gained weight too - more than you. My dh would like me to slim. But he says supportive things about it.

I don't think it's unusual he would notice a weight gain, but he ought to be a LOT nicer about it!

Tyrozet · 01/04/2023 18:31

Putting on weight is fine, being a pass-remarkable prick on the other hand...

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 01/04/2023 18:39

He's disgusting.

"Fluffing up your confidence" is EXACTLY what a loving partner would do

The fact that instead of doing that he chose to say something hurtful shows what a terrible person he is. No wonder you have self-esteem issues with a shit stain like him for a partner. What a disgrace he is.

NameChangeNumber359 · 01/04/2023 18:40

Oh and I've just read the rest of the OP's posts. He's a nasty bully as well as an absolute cunt.

Please don't take his comments about your weight to heart @Ok123 He just enjoys hurting you because he knows he can. He's a pathetic excuse for a man.

MissMogwai · 01/04/2023 18:45

Another hideous, 'speak as I find', charmless dickhead.