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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a shitty thing to say?

133 replies

Ok123 · 01/04/2023 14:50

Settle an argument beween me and DP…

Came home around 2.30 and said I was starving as I hadn’t eaten all day. DP comes out with “well it doesn’t look like it”, and I’m immediately offended.

For context, I HAVE put on around 1.5 stone since is meeting 6 years ago have having DD, but am still at max a size 12, mostly clothes a size 10. He isn’t happy with this (neither am I to be fair), but I get constant comments about it. When I challenged him on it, apparently I can’t get upset because it’s true.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 01/04/2023 16:39

What a tick. Dies he put you down for n other ways too?

AllllTheQuestions · 01/04/2023 16:43

Hope he doesn’t say similar things to your daughter if she hits puberty and puts y weight on.

PousseyNotMoira · 01/04/2023 16:44

Ok123 · 01/04/2023 16:26

I would never class myself as having had an ED, but I did have a period when I was younger where I’d restrict myself to 500 cals and 1 meal a day. He knows this…

I still haven’t eaten since I’ve been back as I feel like shit after his comment.

I would never class myself as having had an ED, but I did have a period when I was younger where I’d restrict myself to 500 cals and 1 meal a day. He knows this…

That’s an eating disorder.

I still haven’t eaten since I’ve been back as I feel like shit after his comment.

You are a 10/12. There is no metric by which you are overweight. And, even if you were overwhelmed (you are not), you would still be entitled to food. Why do you feel like shit? Why are you allowing this man to treat you like this?

Brefugee · 01/04/2023 16:45

And yes, he has obviously changed in 6 years! But I don’t insist on mentioning it daily.

perhaps you should. He's a cunt for saying that. So if he hints he thinks you're too fat for him: "a real paunch you have there" or "you have jowels now" or "you might want to think about a transplant to cover the bald patches" or whatever applies. Every. Single. Time. And also at times when he hasn't just said something to you, out of the blue when he least expects it.

Then after a week or so of this tell him you'll stop being a twat a day after he stops and not one second before.

Curseofthenation · 01/04/2023 16:45

What a loser. I would criticise his body every now and then. Keep it up and see if the comments against you gradually decline.

You've asked him to stop, and he hasn't. So either treat him the same or LTB. As others have said, I hope he doesn't end up pulling your DD down in the same way.

Botw1 · 01/04/2023 16:46

But he is lying to you. He is deliberately insulting you and being mean to you knowing that it is hurting you and shattering your self confidence.

None of what he is saying about your appearance is true.

What will you do when he starts making comments to your dd?

zusje · 01/04/2023 16:46

If you dump him you'll immediately be and feel lots of stones lighter! I recommend.

OldFan · 01/04/2023 16:47

A size 10-12 is nothing, especially after having kids.

Bloke's a twunt.

ChristinaXYZ · 01/04/2023 16:47

Firstly, it is an awful thing to say and you are rightly annoyed but also - you're a size 12 for god sake! When I was a size 12 my BMI was only 19. You might actually be underweight. Depends on your height and where you carry weight but dear God a size 12 is medically slim unless you are about 4 foot tall and possibly even then.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/04/2023 16:48

Oh my love, reading your update makes me want to weep. 500 calories and 1 meal a day; brings it all back to me, what my DD suffered 5 years ago. She is well now, but my god it was a battle. Honest to goodness if I learned a partner of hers her ever said those things, I would not be able to stop myself from telling him where to go (and this from someone who generally takes the view that parents should not intervene in the lives of young adults).

Honestly OP, you deserve and can do so much better than putting up with this in your life. I hope you have family and friends around you to help you see how damaging this man is to you. Chipping away at your self esteem bit by bit. He is worthless. Beyond contempt.

I met my husband when I was 17. Married 26 years now (together over 30). I’m much heavier than when we met. Every day he boosts my confidence through little gestures and affection. Your partner is wrong, as others have said, boosting your self confidence is exactly what he should be doing.

I really wish you well and will be thinking of you.

Livinghappy · 01/04/2023 16:55

His his love for you conditional on your weight being at a certain number?

What will happen if you don't lose weight will he just nag and devalue you forever?

It's at best unkind, at worse abusive

HedgehogB · 01/04/2023 16:58

he is abusive and you need to leave ! You haven’t eaten all day because of his words - in effect he is putting you into a mental concentration camp. Please make plans to leave before he does the same to your poor daughter who does not need to grow up watching her mum be abused or to suffer it herself. Many men out there who will love and appreciate you - and don’t waste your life on this animal out of misplaced guilt for your daughter either - she will suffer more witnessing this toxicity than she will from a divorce. I promise you, I know x

Appleass · 01/04/2023 17:03

Lovely man !!! Clearly cares about your feelings, and only likes the look of you when you are at HIS suitable weight and size....true love that !!!!!

DalmationCalledStripe · 01/04/2023 17:05

Oh love. This is so sad to read. He’s emotionally abusing you and your confidence is so low you don’t actually realise. I’m glad you’ve come here to get perspective. His goal isn’t supporting you it’s belittling you. Like many women you’ve been unfortunately drawn into a relationship with an absolutely pathetic excuse for a human being. The time to leave is now.

BigMamaFratelli · 01/04/2023 17:07

Actually, I'd say fluffing your confidence is exactly his job!

Younger me would have passive aggressively started mention moisturiser, eye cream, hair regrowth shampoo and gym memberships. Even more so if he didn't need them. Me now would ltb.

Other posters have asked if he has any good qualities, but I'm not sure it matters. He hasn't got your back, not sure anything makes up for that.

ValerieDoonican · 01/04/2023 17:13

He's "not happy" about your size? What does he use your size for? Does he consider your appearance to be part of his identity, the way some sad blokes consider their shiny car to be part of their identity? It very much sounds as though he views your body as his possession. That really isn't good.

Antiquiteas · 01/04/2023 17:14

Ok123 · 01/04/2023 16:24

My self esteem has really taken a hammering in the last few years. I have brought this up to him, but I just get “would you prefer me to lie to you?”.

Apparently no one could ruin his self esteem because he’s really confident in himself, it’s not up to him to “fluff up” my confidence 🙄

He isn’t happy with this (neither am I to be fair), but I get constant comments about it.

Your self esteem has taken a hammering because the cunt you’re married to is annihilating your self esteem.

He’s ‘not happy’ about your body? Who the fuck does he think he is? He is a nasty piece of shit.

DrHousecuredme · 01/04/2023 17:18

Oh op he sounds horrible and is going to damage your self-esteem more and more if you allow him to.
Are you in a position to leave? Or to move out for a bit whilst you try some sort of counselling?
This sort of gradual chipping away at your confidence is so damaging!

Onefootinthegroove · 01/04/2023 17:18

Ok123 · 01/04/2023 16:26

I would never class myself as having had an ED, but I did have a period when I was younger where I’d restrict myself to 500 cals and 1 meal a day. He knows this…

I still haven’t eaten since I’ve been back as I feel like shit after his comment.

Please eat op, otherwise he has gotten his own way, the massive wankbadger.

dontgobaconmyheart · 01/04/2023 17:23

Imagine thinking it is your place to 'not be happy' with your partners weight and make snide quips. You sound a very healthy weight OP and 1.5 stone is not much weight to gain in 6 years of adulthood.

I don't know how people put up with their DP's sometimes, or how this became normalised. Can you really say you love and respect someone if this is how you view them and speak to them and how you actively try to make them feel.

Original poster
Ok123 · 01/04/2023 17:27

Just reread all of your comments - I appreciate them all. Every single one has validated the upset I feel, I can’t stop stewing on his comments this afternoon. I’m not sure why it seems to have hit harder today; it’s certainly not the first time I’ve heard it.

I’ve been having doubts about his behaviour towards me for a while. He also has an older preteen daughter from a previous relationship who is starting to go through puberty; he thinks it’s fine to point out if she has a spot on her face and laugh at it. I’ve called him out on this in front of her, but it’s appalling.

This thread is giving me a lot of clarity - thank you all x

OP posts:
flowertoday · 01/04/2023 17:28

He is a massive prat, and a nasty controlling one at that. I bet he is no oil painting.
Ignore him and eat what you like. He has no right to say what you should eat or what you should weigh.
Your daughter also deserves a dad who is not a misogynistic waste of space.

Redebs · 01/04/2023 17:31

FunnyMunny · 01/04/2023 14:59

I think you might need a new patio.

😁💀

pointythings · 01/04/2023 17:33

So you know he's going to go for your shared DD the moment he has a chance... Start planning an exit. Or a patio.

zusje · 01/04/2023 17:34

Oh dear, my dad used to make comments about my weight or appearance "for my own good". It's doing more damage than you might think! He sounds like a lovely man, is he aware women aren't on this planet just to be pleasing to the eyes of men?? Seriously OP, for your sake and the sake of your daughter, see if you can leave him. I'm the fattest I've ever been at a size 20-22, my partner still calls me beautiful every single day (I don't believe him, but that's a story for another day)