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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think most accidental pregnancies aren't really accidental?

253 replies

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 01/04/2023 14:02

If someone really doesn't want to get pregnant they are there are so many ways to prevent it that it's rarely a real accident?

Contraception, vasectomies, morning after pill etc.

I know contraception fails but if someone really doesn't want a pregnancy, they can double up & just more than one method?

Is it a lie that people just tell themselves?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 01/04/2023 15:13

" I honestly thought that using both a hormonal method (or copper coil), and condoms is what most people do, until they're in a position where a pregnancy isn't a disaster."

Depends what you mean by a disaster doesn't it. A teenage pregnancy would be seen as a disaster by some, but Ok by others, becoming a single mother in your 30s would not be ideal for many, but also not a disaster if they think they may never find Mr Right and that's the only way to go.

123ROLO · 01/04/2023 15:15

I doubt a lot of the stories of accidental pregnancies. Obv some are true and defy the odds.

I've known 3 people to have 'accidental' pregnancies.

One who was on the pill, but often spoke about how she is always forgetting to take it, I went on holiday with her for a week and she forgot the pack. I doubt they used protection when she got back from holiday.

Another friend who was using the natural tracking method, when asked about the pregnancy she would say it was a "complete accident we had contraception".

For both those women, they were ready for a baby and are great parents, absolutely nothing wrong with them having a baby I just don't think its completely accurate to describe it as an accident. I think sometimes you can kind of trick yourself, where you want a baby but there's a logical part of you saying "not right now". That if you make half arsed attemps to prevent a pregnancy you can convince yourself it was meant to be.

Another person I know claims it was a condom breaking, but she spoke often about her desperation for a baby but her partner wasn't ready. So I'm a bit skeptical.

TedMullins · 01/04/2023 15:15

TeenLifeMum · 01/04/2023 14:06

I used a condom… it split, so I took the morning after pill. Still ended up pregnant. I’ve had unprotected sex 3 times in my life (once when the condom split included in that 3 - I had a termination) the other times resulted in dd1 and the the final time, dtds.

i guess I’m very fertile. So no, I don’t agree with your hypothesis.

Same. Condom broke so took the MAP within about 15 hours. It failed. Absolutely accidental. I can’t take hormonal contraceptives routinely as I’m at higher risk of blood clots.

ChevySilverado · 01/04/2023 15:19

A work colleague told us that her kids were conceived when her and her partners doubled up on contraception. It turns out they used condoms ‘almost’ every time and she ‘hardly ever’ missed taking her pill. She genuinely believed she was just ‘super fertile’. 😬

None of my close friends have conceived without wanting to. One of them works in a sexual health clinic and hears lots of stories of getting pregnant when using contraception, but a chat usually reveals it wasn’t used properly. And she says a surprising number people are genuinely shocked when unprotected sex results in pregnancy.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/04/2023 15:20

plugin12 · 01/04/2023 14:13

Yes I agree a lot of people probably get "accidentally" pregnant but knew exactly what they were doing and doing so purposely or knew there was a risk , I have a close friend that knew she was risking pregnancy with a bf of a couple of months, she had stopped taking the pill and was tracking her cycle on an app but as soon as she got pregnant she backtracked very quickly and now maintains that she got pregnant on the pill even though she had told me the above information at the time , it's like she has convinced herself of a different version of realityConfused

Did she tell her boyfriend she'd come off the pill? Wonder what he made of that...

FFF3 · 01/04/2023 15:24

You’re saying two different things though - you talk about options like the morning after pill - but at that point the accident has already happened. It can still be an unplanned pregnancy just because someone decides to keep the baby.

Howtostart · 01/04/2023 15:29

The problem with being 'on the pill' is that you actually have to take the thing reliably and consistently to make it work.

I am also confused about the marital connections to fertility.

Stereo typical mc parents marry
and have a couple of kids (max 3) in my location - don't know any one who had an 'accident')

Whereas many women I know , who have had multiple partners there are many more blamed to accidents .

Does marriage make you less fertile. ?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/04/2023 15:30

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

I'm inclined to agree with you. Before I was with DH I was on the pill AND used condoms as I didn't want a baby, it's as simple as that. I took the pill religiously. After DH and I had got engaged in our early 20s, we stopped using condoms and I was just on the pill because we both wanted kids at some point and so it wouldn't have been a huge disaster if we had got pregnant early because of a real (100% correct use) failure of the pill. However, if I ever forgot one or wasn't well with diarrhoea or vomiting we used condoms for the next however many days, as the instructions tell you. We just wouldn't have ever chanced it even though I have PCOS and wasn't even sure I would have been able to get pregnant easily. (I did actually, 7 years later when we actively tried)

I think a lot of people just chance it, think it won't happen to them. And are then shocked when it happens. But I'm not sure how you can be shocked when it's known that no one form of contraception is 100% guaranteed. Even if you use just one form of contraception, if it's used absolutely as it sshould be the risk of pregnancy in any one cycle is very very small.

But it's not as if you can have a big conversation in the staff room is it, when someone announces a pregnancy that was a "surprise" to them. It's none of your business so you don't ask for the finer details.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/04/2023 15:33

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 01/04/2023 14:27

It's a very happy accident. They weren't actively trying to prevent it so it's not an accident.

Yes, to me that's just called "having regular unprotected sex" which everyone knows results in a pregnancy unless there are fertility issues. It's a joke that someone would call that an accident.

Lavenderflower · 01/04/2023 15:36

I tend agree a lot of accidental pregnancies were planned or they didn't care if it happened.

frazzledasarock · 01/04/2023 15:36

Friend fell pregnant with a coil.

MamaNomore · 01/04/2023 15:37

In my experience, women who are commitedly child free by choice almost never end up with a baby, regardless of how sexually active they are. Draw your own conclusions!

I've name changed for this thread. I did not want children. My husband never said he did, I don't remember ever having the conversation, it was maybe something for the future.

I was busy doing housework, he wanted sex (I know now I was in an abusive relationship, I didn't realise the extent of it at the time), we started having sex. I said "We [because to say you would have been a big mistake] need to stop, I don't want to get pregnant". He said "I'm not fucking about here" and carried on.

I knew within minutes that I was pregnant, I just knew. I'm Type 1 diabetic, I had not prepared for pregnancy by having as good control as possible (I have always done my best but it wasn't good enough for pregnancy). I went to the doctor and said I was worried there would be something wrong as it wasn't planned. I may as well not have spoken. I said the same to my diabetes doctor. Again, no notice was taken. It wasn't until quite late on in the pregnancy that I saw a doctor who did listen by which time it was too late to do anything. I was never told of any potential problems during scans. I even had a nurse saying she thought the doctor was being over the top with the checks I was having.

My son was born with a cleft lip and palate. A few hours later I was woken to be told there was a problem with his heart. He was rushed to the children's hospital where he was operated on. In his 24 weeks of life he had three major heart operations and was fed through a naso gastric tube. He spent much of his life in hospital.

I hadn't wanted a child but I would have given my life to save my son. On the other hand, I'm glad he hasn't had to live through a lifetime of operations and whatever other medical treatment he would have needed to live his life.

So yes, in my case, I wanted to be child free and I am but I'd rather have had the choice.

Dottyandbetty · 01/04/2023 15:39

They do happen. We had a condom split and the morning after pill fail resulting in an unplanned pregnancy. The morning after pill is less effective after ovulation. I also got pregnant straight away when actively trying.

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 01/04/2023 15:43

You do realise all those methods have side effects right ?

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 01/04/2023 15:47

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 01/04/2023 15:43

You do realise all those methods have side effects right ?

Hormonal contraception has side effects yes but I'm pretty sure there are no medical side effects to using condoms (& non layx condoms for anyone with allergies) & tracking ovulation.

I am open to correction?

OP posts:
MotherofBingo · 01/04/2023 15:49

I found out I was pregnant 2 months after having the nexplanon implant put in, I was also breastfeeding at the time and hadn't had a period in about 2 years by that point. So I was obviously very unlucky - ovulated just before having the appointment for the implant, and conceived literally just before getting it put in, the pregnancy didn't show up on the test I took on the day. I'm not saying I wasn't irresponsible at some point - because obviously I did have sex between ovulating and having the implant but I'd still say it was an accident because I hadn't ovulated up till that point I was just very unlucky and got caught out.

PinkPink1 · 01/04/2023 15:49

BeardieWeirdie · 01/04/2023 14:55

Having not used any contraception in 13 years and with only two very much wanted babies, I really struggle to get my head around how anyone can manage to get pregnant accidentally with doubled-up contraception. I find it so bloody difficult to conceive without any contraception!

Same! So many women fall pregnant from one night stands! I’m pregnant with my first after being told I wouldn’t be able to fall pregnant naturally. We weren’t using contraception but we also never thought I’d conceive without fertility treatment. Glad I’m pregnant though!

Most women who claim to have ‘accidentally’ fallen pregnant forget to take their pill every day or they take it at different times. Others don’t use a condom every single time they have sex (or he puts it on too late). Or they use ‘natural family planning’ ie using an app - ovulation dates can change month to month!

The only true accidental pregnancies are women who fall pregnant whilst on the coil or implant (and it hasn’t expired).

Dottyandbetty · 01/04/2023 15:52

user1477391263 · 01/04/2023 14:49

In my experience, women who are commitedly child free by choice almost never end up with a baby, regardless of how sexually active they are. Draw your own conclusions!

I think genuine accidents due to really bad luck despite all precautions do exist, but most so-called accidental pregnancies don’t fall into this category, IMO.

There are the grey area pregnancies where it is about carelessness or sorta-kinda half wanting to get pregnant. And then there are the cases where a woman is just flat out rewriting history. If a woman intentionally gets pregnant with a useless bloke who (surprise surprise) turns out to be a rubbish partner and parent, it’s embarrassing to admit that you were stupid enough to plan a pregnancy with such a poor choice of man. So history gets rewritten, and “It was an accidental pregnancy.”

I would also add that many people don’t talk about abortion, it doesn’t mean that the ‘child free by choice’ people you know haven’t ever had an accidental pregnancy, just that they didn’t choose to have the baby, if they did have an accidental pregnancy.

Gablonz · 01/04/2023 15:53

I think a lot of them are genuine accidents but a lot of these accidents are caused by not using the contraception properly - eg. forgetting to take the pill for a couple of days and carrying on regardless; taking the pill but having a vomiting bug (happened to my cousin); condoms plus thrush cream (Canesten in particular - you are supposed to avoid sex while using it); condom splitting and went unnoticed or person assumed it would be ok, tiny risk etc, and not getting MAP.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 01/04/2023 15:53

ShadowPuppets · 01/04/2023 14:49

Hmm, I don’t necessarily agree with your interpretation of accident.

I have some fertility issues and it took over a year to conceive DD despite cycle tracking from day 1. So after she arrived we knew we didn’t want to have a second for at least 18m - 2y. DS was conceived from a single instance of DTD on day 8 of my cycle when DD was 12 months.

Was I using contraception? No, although I was tracking my cycles. Did I want to get pregnant at that stage? No, absolutely not. I wasn’t even back at work yet. Did we progress with the pregnancy? Yes, because we knew we wanted another, I couldn’t bring myself to abort and we knew that due to my issues there were no guarantees we’d conceive again. Am I glad we had him? Oh, absolutely x 10000.

It took a lot of time to get my head around it and, having battled to get pregnant before, I had some really mixed emotions about how it can simultaneously be so hard and so easy to get pregnant.

See this is what I don't understand. You HAD got pregnant with your DD, though, so you knew it WAS possible. So if you really REALLY didn't want to get pregnant, you would have used contraception, wouldn't you? Tracking your cycle is no good with some types of fertility issues., although i'm not sure what yours were. eg If you have PCOS or irregular periods it's really not advised, either as a method of getting pregnant or avoiding it.

I honestly think that ignoring rational thought about contraception use is just nature's way. Deep down we have this primal urge to be pregnant at various times in our lives. It's just that life circumstances and society tell that we should time things "better". We have constructed society so that we plan our second and subsequent children around previous mat leave from work, or taking into account nursery costs, not when we actually want to.

TedMullins · 01/04/2023 15:54

Dottyandbetty · 01/04/2023 15:52

I would also add that many people don’t talk about abortion, it doesn’t mean that the ‘child free by choice’ people you know haven’t ever had an accidental pregnancy, just that they didn’t choose to have the baby, if they did have an accidental pregnancy.

This was me. I had an abortion and I’m very open about it with anyone who asks, and as I said above, got pregnant while using condoms and the MAP. Both failed. My preferred choice would be sterilisation but doctors largely won’t refer women who haven’t had any children for it.

OlympicProcrastinator · 01/04/2023 15:59

I had one Fallopian tube so thought I had already reduced fertility. I was on the depo vera shot just in case. No I didn’t take it late. I got pregnant. No ‘half arsed’ use of contraception. I really really hate that people don’t think it happens.

Gablonz · 01/04/2023 16:01

In my experience, women who are commitedly child free by choice almost never end up with a baby, regardless of how sexually active they are. Draw your own conclusions!

They might well have been pregnant and chosen to have a termination.
I also think that women, like myself, who never wanted a child are probably quicker to go and get the MAP than others, who might think oh, it'll be fine. I've taken the MAP a few times even though there was probably absolutely minimal risk that I could become pregnant - slightest question of any possible contraception failure, or in one case condom coming off inside when withdrawing, and I took the MAP. Other women probably wouldn't go and get it for very minor risks like that.

Morningcoffeeview · 01/04/2023 16:03

FFF3 · 01/04/2023 15:24

You’re saying two different things though - you talk about options like the morning after pill - but at that point the accident has already happened. It can still be an unplanned pregnancy just because someone decides to keep the baby.

I disagree at the point the condom spilts you know there’s been a failure and accept by not taking the MAP there’s a risk of pregnancy.

AmandaHoldensLips · 01/04/2023 16:05

Accidental pregnancies do happen.

But "accidentally on purpose" pregnancies are common. The man is more concerned about getting his end away than thinking about the consequences. Happy to assume or accept on their word that the woman is taking precautions, yet oblivious of the fact that ALL pregnancies are caused by men.

My brother being totally incredulous that he's caused a pregnancy then looking like a dumb fuck when I asked him if he was "suited and booted".

"She was on the pill," he said.

Really?

Totally no way. She knew exactly what she was doing and bingo, another kid, then another, then another, all while "on the pill" (not).

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