To have laid in to this old man?

[knobheadex]

Something happened to me yesterday and I've been stewing on it ever since.

It's 3pm and I'm on the way to pick up the kids from school. I nip in the the local garage because I'm slightly early and need to pick up a few things anyway.

It's pretty busy so I wait my turn in the queue. When I get to the front I ask the friendly young guy for some low nicotine e-liquid. As part of the chat I mention how I usually buy Elf Bars but I'm trying to quit vaping now. Suddenly I'm aware of someone behind me shouting something, so I spun round to see what's going on. There's a tall, rotund white haired man standing at the back of the queue booming 'They'll all kill your anyway, love!'

I reply that I'm aware it's not healthy and that's why I'm trying to quit before turning back to pay for my stuff and get the hell out of there. But he's still shouting 'I don't drink and I've never smoked! You know why??! Because I'm the boss of this!' And he proceeds to tap the side of his head. 'I can do anything I put my mind to!'

I say 'thank you very much for the unsolicited advice random man' and carry on with the transaction. But he won't shut up. He's really belittling me now and suggesting that I am weak willed and pathetic for being addicted to something. I'm done paying now and turn to leave and he's yelling at me that his wife has emphysema because she smoked 40 a day. I say loudly 'Now I feel doubly sorry for your wife' and march towards the door.

He's still going, although I'm not sure exactly what he's shouting about now but I'm raging by this point. Who does he think he is? Would he be saying all of this to a man buying cigarettes? So I get to the door and then shout back at him 'Can do anything apparently, but can't mind your own fucking business or put down the pies long enough to drop a few inches off that waistband of yours'.

A few people in the queue gasped and I left feeling like I'd gone too far. Did I? Or did he deserve it, just a little bit?

I mean....were you U? Probably, but tbh, these were absolutely extraordinary circumstances and I bet a lot of people would have ended up saying something similarly nasty. It's hard when you're trying to quit something and taking a step in the right direction and people are rude about it. Like an alcoholic eating sweeties and getting told off for it.

He sounds odd at best. Hope you don't encounter him again. And vaping is clearly not good but it's nowhere near as bad as smoking

I agree and it’s the reason the world is because an increasingly nasty place.

If your grandad had dementia so that he would abuse members of the public I hope he had a carer or responsible adult with him to explain and apologise for his behaviour.

No, but how is shouting back, swearing, and insulting his appearance ever going to come across well. The OP fell short in how she handled the situation.

Well you clearly did give a shit as you got incredibly wound up and started screaming at a stranger. You should have just ignored.

Yes, bullying surely implies an imbalance of power and/or a repeated victimisation, not one isolated incident of giving someone a piece of your mind.

@knobheadex , how old was this man ?

...now I've visions of Micheal Winner...

In which case the OP missed a golden opportunity to say
'Calm down, dear'**

Good for you!! I hate people, and it's usually a man, who make unsolicited comments/give unsolicited advice.
He might learn to keep his gob shut in future.
Not anyone else's fault his wife has emphysema!!

He may be just an arsehole but IME, he's more likely to be ill.
I currently have a caseload of 60 mentally ill elderly people. They aren't hidden, they go out and about, but well done OP, you certzinly told him.

You slipped to his level when you insulted him back . He more than likely had mental health problems , best to have kept your cool .

On reflection, you’re correct and I apologise for being aggressive.

Yes, no matter what you say to people like this it won’t make them reflect and be a better person, but having been on the receiving end of these kind of comments many, many times, it’s fucking draining. The abuse OP gave him might not do anything to change him, but it can be cathartic to give it back when you’re getting it. Is it right? Maybe not, but we’re all infallible.

I did wonder afterwards if he was pissed, or mentally unwell or something.

So you admit that you wondered if he was mentally unwell or something but also say that you can spot a dementia patient - that doesn’t make sense.

I think you were right to stick up for yourself but you were wrong to make the insults personal.

If someone is being a nosey prick then call them that.
Do not say something derogatory about their appearance whether they are fat, skinny, a difference race or disabled. There is no need for it to be taken to that level.

We all have our moments, and it seems like you both did at the same time. I'd be thankful you have the capacity to reflect on whether it was a bit much, but don't beat yourself up about it - probably if you knew each other it would be understandable from both sides.

Congratulations on trying to kick the habit, by the way!

This.

It is obviously not normal behaviour, he's either mentally ill, has some kind of learning disability or was under the influence of something.

So I wouldn't have responded, although I don't really blame you for doing so, it sounds infuriating.

What I have I just read 🤣🤣🤣🤣 you get people like this all the time.

I was about to suggest he probably wasn't 100% don't even entertain him next time just smile and walk on ASAP. He wanted you to engage.

I think ignoring him would’ve been more effective tbh.

I’m all for putting mansplainers in their place- but you didn’t. You just insulted him. Calling him fat won’t make him question the patriarchy and his role in it.

also he doesn’t sound mentally well. This isn’t someone making a sexist /misogynistic remark in the course of an otherwise normal interaction. Why would you think that anyone shouting from the back of the queue wasn’t a nutter and best ignored!

Exactly!

Plus, @pixie5121, OP wasn't bullying the random man who was having an unsolicited, massively rude go at her, she was treating him to a bit of a taste of his own medicine.

I think the reason people are suggesting mental health issues is because the behaviour is very bizarre, even for an arsehole. It’s one thing to pass one remark about a strangers lifestyle choice, which would be arsehole behaviour, but then to continue berating and shouting from the back of a queue is very odd indeed! Odd enough to assume someone might not be in possession of all their faculties and lacks social awareness.

Good on you I say! What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If I had been in the queue I would have laughed at your response and I'm on the chubby side.

That word doesn't mean what you think it means.

And we don';t have to take the high road and be quiet while men berate us. Those days are fucking DONE.

You should have left it after saying you felt doubly sorry for his wife.

I think your next attack was horrid and you brought yourself down and under his level.

What he said was a load of unnecessary nonsense but if (and only guessing) he's spent years caring and living with someone with emphysema - his opinions on cigs and vapes is probably full of anger. Doesn't give him right to be vile to you but he made himself look ridiculous and you joined him.

??? He insulted her intelligence, why do these older random men make these comments , just to have an audience?? 🙄

What a perfect response OP , I’m sorry but it made me laugh 😂. People like that piss me off you don’t know them why do they feel the need to comment or even shout at you . YANBU