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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have laid in to this old man?

383 replies

knobheadex · 31/03/2023 14:28

Something happened to me yesterday and I've been stewing on it ever since.

It's 3pm and I'm on the way to pick up the kids from school. I nip in the the local garage because I'm slightly early and need to pick up a few things anyway.

It's pretty busy so I wait my turn in the queue. When I get to the front I ask the friendly young guy for some low nicotine e-liquid. As part of the chat I mention how I usually buy Elf Bars but I'm trying to quit vaping now. Suddenly I'm aware of someone behind me shouting something, so I spun round to see what's going on. There's a tall, rotund white haired man standing at the back of the queue booming 'They'll all kill your anyway, love!'

I reply that I'm aware it's not healthy and that's why I'm trying to quit before turning back to pay for my stuff and get the hell out of there. But he's still shouting 'I don't drink and I've never smoked! You know why??! Because I'm the boss of this!' And he proceeds to tap the side of his head. 'I can do anything I put my mind to!'

I say 'thank you very much for the unsolicited advice random man' and carry on with the transaction. But he won't shut up. He's really belittling me now and suggesting that I am weak willed and pathetic for being addicted to something. I'm done paying now and turn to leave and he's yelling at me that his wife has emphysema because she smoked 40 a day. I say loudly 'Now I feel doubly sorry for your wife' and march towards the door.

He's still going, although I'm not sure exactly what he's shouting about now but I'm raging by this point. Who does he think he is? Would he be saying all of this to a man buying cigarettes? So I get to the door and then shout back at him 'Can do anything apparently, but can't mind your own fucking business or put down the pies long enough to drop a few inches off that waistband of yours'.

A few people in the queue gasped and I left feeling like I'd gone too far. Did I? Or did he deserve it, just a little bit?

OP posts:
PrettyMaybug · 31/03/2023 23:29

The more of your posts I read @knobheadex the more dreadful your behaviour sounds. If I had witnessed you behaving as you claim you did, I would be side-eyeing you, and feeling embarrassed for you. I would certainly not be applauding you.

And you clearly 'borrowed' the 'thank you random man' line from mumsnet. Because I have read it here before, some months ago. It's not clever and it's not original. I just rolled my eyes when you said that you'd said this!

Your foul language, and insulting the man, and the way you have berated him, (along with trying to shut down anyone actually not agreeing with you,) is making you come across as very hard work.

Have a word with yourself. And as the last few posters have said. Grow up. You said you're in your 40s, but you are displaying the behaviour and attitude of a 14 year old gobby schoolgirl. The worst thing is, you seem to be so proud of your awful behaviour, and your horrible attitude.

Nothing you have posted is anything to be proud of. It's pretty shameful actually.

Lucyccfc68 · 31/03/2023 23:38

I’d have given you a massive 👏👏👏👏👏

All this ‘ignore him’ and ‘ you have lowered yourself’ is just a loads of bollocks. Women are conditioned to behave and think like this and I am sick of the ‘Be kind’ shite that is aimed at women.

Look where ‘Be kind’ has ended up for women.

OP good on you. As women we need to stand up and be counted and stop taking shit from men. We need to stop being so bloody kind, meek, quiet, mild and worried about lowering ourselves.

ILikeCatsandDogs · 31/03/2023 23:43

I’m glad you put him in his place. You may have made him think twice in the future and the next person he did that too may have not been in a position in life to handle being harassed in public. He was offensive and I have no idea why anybody would think pointing out that being overweight having a similar health implication to smoking was wrong. It has simple. Well done he’ll think twice in the future.

MMMarmite · 31/03/2023 23:52

It's interesting how opposite the opinions are on this thread!

jeffgoldblum · 31/03/2023 23:59

I believe it's the divide between who has had constant unasked for personal comments and those who haven't, even the most placid person will snap occasionally after 10 or 20 years of irritation!

LadyWindermeresOnlyFans · 01/04/2023 00:07

I'd cross the street to avoid both of you. His issues aren't your responsibility, but neither are your troubles his fault. You're clearly going through some stuff, and that's hard. But slanging matches with strangers in public aren't going to make things better. The adrenaline will wear off and you'll feel worse than before. It's not worth it.

SinnerBoy · 01/04/2023 01:41

It's amusing to see all the, "You shouldn't have got personal, now you're worse than him," comments.

His unsolicited hectoring was personal from the start. His assertion (implied) of his moral and psychological superiority was unnecessary. He was putting her down, in front of an audience, to make him feel the Big I Am.

Poke a person and they are likely to react, as the OP did; and good on her.

theGooHasGone · 01/04/2023 01:55

No, fuck him. He started it, you finished it. I don't like smoking but it's none of my business if other people choose to do it.

mozzierella · 01/04/2023 07:49

He sounds like a twat and o probably would have reacted the same

He is right though. About the vaping. You know he is

5128gap · 01/04/2023 08:58

If you think its important for feminism to challenge this sort of thing, then you might want to have some stock responses up your sleeve that make the point youre trying to get across.
'Im not interested in your opinion, thank you' 'Please don't comment to me like that, its presumptuous and rude' then ignore. Point made.
Trading insults is the low hanging fruit, and might make you feel better as an individual act of revenge, but its not a political act of feminism, however much better it might feel to frame it as such. No one present had the first clue of your point, including him. They just saw tit for tat.

A society where people go at each other with aggressive personal insults is not a feminist utopia, does not a thing to improve womens' position, or change male behaviour; its simply two individuals in a verbal brawl that clearly alienates bystanders, so is counter productive.

phoenixrosehere · 01/04/2023 09:23

As some one who has had people say sh*t to me and having to grin and bear it for decades I would actually think good for you for standing up for yourself if I had witnessed such an interaction.

I wouldn’t have insulted him at the end (would have said all of it in my head) but there is nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself. He started it and continued when he could have easily kept his thoughts to himself and minded his own business like most people. I also hate the excuse because someone is of a certain age group they must have some kind of mental issue or unwell causing them to say such things. No, many are simply like that and always have been and giving them a pass due to age is ridiculous.

ilovesooty · 01/04/2023 09:43

5128gap · 01/04/2023 08:58

If you think its important for feminism to challenge this sort of thing, then you might want to have some stock responses up your sleeve that make the point youre trying to get across.
'Im not interested in your opinion, thank you' 'Please don't comment to me like that, its presumptuous and rude' then ignore. Point made.
Trading insults is the low hanging fruit, and might make you feel better as an individual act of revenge, but its not a political act of feminism, however much better it might feel to frame it as such. No one present had the first clue of your point, including him. They just saw tit for tat.

A society where people go at each other with aggressive personal insults is not a feminist utopia, does not a thing to improve womens' position, or change male behaviour; its simply two individuals in a verbal brawl that clearly alienates bystanders, so is counter productive.

Well said.

ScentOfAMemory · 01/04/2023 09:55

5128gap · 01/04/2023 08:58

If you think its important for feminism to challenge this sort of thing, then you might want to have some stock responses up your sleeve that make the point youre trying to get across.
'Im not interested in your opinion, thank you' 'Please don't comment to me like that, its presumptuous and rude' then ignore. Point made.
Trading insults is the low hanging fruit, and might make you feel better as an individual act of revenge, but its not a political act of feminism, however much better it might feel to frame it as such. No one present had the first clue of your point, including him. They just saw tit for tat.

A society where people go at each other with aggressive personal insults is not a feminist utopia, does not a thing to improve womens' position, or change male behaviour; its simply two individuals in a verbal brawl that clearly alienates bystanders, so is counter productive.

Excellent post.

Blossomtoes · 01/04/2023 10:06

5128gap · 01/04/2023 08:58

If you think its important for feminism to challenge this sort of thing, then you might want to have some stock responses up your sleeve that make the point youre trying to get across.
'Im not interested in your opinion, thank you' 'Please don't comment to me like that, its presumptuous and rude' then ignore. Point made.
Trading insults is the low hanging fruit, and might make you feel better as an individual act of revenge, but its not a political act of feminism, however much better it might feel to frame it as such. No one present had the first clue of your point, including him. They just saw tit for tat.

A society where people go at each other with aggressive personal insults is not a feminist utopia, does not a thing to improve womens' position, or change male behaviour; its simply two individuals in a verbal brawl that clearly alienates bystanders, so is counter productive.

Very well said.

TreadLightly3 · 01/04/2023 10:29

Good for you @knobheadex i wish I could be as quick thinking when berated by random, entitled men!

Movinghouseatlast · 01/04/2023 10:43

That's brilliant, made me laugh!

Scalottia · 01/04/2023 10:51

Not worth it to shout back. Just ignore and move on, because mostly these people just want a reaction. Also he isn't completely wrong, I have managed for my whole life not to be addicted to something. I guess some people can, and some can't. Why someone would even start smoking is beyond me. However, his behaviour was wrong, and he should mind his own business.

Newyearnewhome · 01/04/2023 11:17

5128gap · 01/04/2023 08:58

If you think its important for feminism to challenge this sort of thing, then you might want to have some stock responses up your sleeve that make the point youre trying to get across.
'Im not interested in your opinion, thank you' 'Please don't comment to me like that, its presumptuous and rude' then ignore. Point made.
Trading insults is the low hanging fruit, and might make you feel better as an individual act of revenge, but its not a political act of feminism, however much better it might feel to frame it as such. No one present had the first clue of your point, including him. They just saw tit for tat.

A society where people go at each other with aggressive personal insults is not a feminist utopia, does not a thing to improve womens' position, or change male behaviour; its simply two individuals in a verbal brawl that clearly alienates bystanders, so is counter productive.

Well said

Ponoka7 · 01/04/2023 11:26

KnackeredAF · 31/03/2023 17:23

Dementia is actually something you have to inform the DVLA of and they make you repeat your test…. Shouldn’t drive until this is done 👀

Show quote history

Yes, I know. In some cases, the consent to drive, from the consultant is enough in the early days. We are lucky to have a local clinics that are very thorough and appointments are quickly available. My point was that people can still drive, just in case a load of posters came back with "it obviously isn't anything medical because the person was driving". These threads are useful because some people walk around oblivious to others who might be experiencing brain changes etc.

Newyearnewhome · 01/04/2023 11:29

jeffgoldblum · 31/03/2023 23:59

I believe it's the divide between who has had constant unasked for personal comments and those who haven't, even the most placid person will snap occasionally after 10 or 20 years of irritation!

I think we can agree that all women have had constant personal comments from misogynistic men.

I think the OP would’ve been fine to reply with a ‘none of your business what I do/ didn’t ask for your opinion’.

where she lost me was on the personal insults to someone SHE describes as perhaps having issues beyond being a mansplainer.

There’s a tone on here that anyone who disagrees with OP is some kind of appeasing handmaiden. It’s just BS.

OP sounds like my primary age son telling me about the cool insult he traded with some annoying kid at school. It invariably involves calling someone fat.

there is no AIBU here. The OP just wants applause for trading insults in public, and to be lauded for her ‘feminist’ actions 🙄

Blossomtoes · 01/04/2023 11:35

I think we can agree that all women have had constant personal comments from misogynistic men.

I must be doing womaning all wrong because I haven’t.

Hawkins00 · 01/04/2023 11:36

knobheadex · 31/03/2023 21:25

@Mypatioisminging
I'm not saying being fat in a fucking crime. I'm saying don't come at me telling me you're the model of health and self discipline when your trousers and your shirt don't see eye to eye. If he hadn't belittled me and given me a lecture in front of a bunch of strangers for no reason whatsoever other than to make himself look like the big I-Am, I wouldn't have needed to respond. Why does this guy get a free pass to wade in and opinionate on things that have nothing whatsoever to do with him, but I have to 'be kind' in return?
Fuck that fucking shit.

Because in society the other side is ment to be the better morals or behaviour ect.
Plus a person may not be perfect themselves but that does not mean their information about X is no less valid,

phoenixrosehere · 01/04/2023 11:47

Newyearnewhome · 01/04/2023 11:29

I think we can agree that all women have had constant personal comments from misogynistic men.

I think the OP would’ve been fine to reply with a ‘none of your business what I do/ didn’t ask for your opinion’.

where she lost me was on the personal insults to someone SHE describes as perhaps having issues beyond being a mansplainer.

There’s a tone on here that anyone who disagrees with OP is some kind of appeasing handmaiden. It’s just BS.

OP sounds like my primary age son telling me about the cool insult he traded with some annoying kid at school. It invariably involves calling someone fat.

there is no AIBU here. The OP just wants applause for trading insults in public, and to be lauded for her ‘feminist’ actions 🙄

Show quote history

I think the OP would’ve been fine to reply with a ‘none of your business what I do/ didn’t ask for your opinion’.

She did though.

*I reply that I'm aware it's not healthy and that's why I'm trying to quit before turning back to pay for my stuff and get the hell out of there. But he's still shouting 'I don't drink and I've never smoked! You know why??! Because I'm the boss of this!' And he proceeds to tap the side of his head. 'I can do anything I put my mind to!'

I say 'thank you very much for the unsolicited advice random man' and carry on with the transaction. But he won't shut up.*

LadyWindermeresOnlyFans · 01/04/2023 11:49

People keep posting on MN as if life is a binary choice between the only two options of "hashtag be kind" or "be a gobshite". Not wanting to scrap with strangers in public doesn't mean I'm being silenced by the "be kind" community.

It means my days of gobshitery have taught me to pick my battles and how I fight them a bit differently now.

Delatron · 01/04/2023 11:53

She said thank you for the advice- that should have been enough for him to shush up no? But he didn’t, he continued to abuse her. I’m sure lots of people would not have stayed calm and measured in that situation.

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