Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have laid in to this old man?

383 replies

knobheadex · 31/03/2023 14:28

Something happened to me yesterday and I've been stewing on it ever since.

It's 3pm and I'm on the way to pick up the kids from school. I nip in the the local garage because I'm slightly early and need to pick up a few things anyway.

It's pretty busy so I wait my turn in the queue. When I get to the front I ask the friendly young guy for some low nicotine e-liquid. As part of the chat I mention how I usually buy Elf Bars but I'm trying to quit vaping now. Suddenly I'm aware of someone behind me shouting something, so I spun round to see what's going on. There's a tall, rotund white haired man standing at the back of the queue booming 'They'll all kill your anyway, love!'

I reply that I'm aware it's not healthy and that's why I'm trying to quit before turning back to pay for my stuff and get the hell out of there. But he's still shouting 'I don't drink and I've never smoked! You know why??! Because I'm the boss of this!' And he proceeds to tap the side of his head. 'I can do anything I put my mind to!'

I say 'thank you very much for the unsolicited advice random man' and carry on with the transaction. But he won't shut up. He's really belittling me now and suggesting that I am weak willed and pathetic for being addicted to something. I'm done paying now and turn to leave and he's yelling at me that his wife has emphysema because she smoked 40 a day. I say loudly 'Now I feel doubly sorry for your wife' and march towards the door.

He's still going, although I'm not sure exactly what he's shouting about now but I'm raging by this point. Who does he think he is? Would he be saying all of this to a man buying cigarettes? So I get to the door and then shout back at him 'Can do anything apparently, but can't mind your own fucking business or put down the pies long enough to drop a few inches off that waistband of yours'.

A few people in the queue gasped and I left feeling like I'd gone too far. Did I? Or did he deserve it, just a little bit?

OP posts:
Sheruns · 31/03/2023 21:04

op, I think you were entirely justified. I would have applauded you if I'd been there!

Mypatioisminging · 31/03/2023 21:15

knobheadex · 31/03/2023 18:22

I didn't. He started to talk to me as he scanned the few things I was buying. I wasn't holding anyone up, the only thing that slowed the process down was the fat dude giving me a lecture from the back of the shop.

Show quote history

Good god. He was fat. Get over it. It’s not a fucking crime.

Blossomtoes · 31/03/2023 21:17

Mypatioisminging · 31/03/2023 21:15

Good god. He was fat. Get over it. It’s not a fucking crime.

Show quote history

Were you there?

WildRosie · 31/03/2023 21:20

Silly old git picked on the wrong woman. I hope he has learned his lesson. Good for you, OP.

Original poster
knobheadex · 31/03/2023 21:25

@Mypatioisminging
I'm not saying being fat in a fucking crime. I'm saying don't come at me telling me you're the model of health and self discipline when your trousers and your shirt don't see eye to eye. If he hadn't belittled me and given me a lecture in front of a bunch of strangers for no reason whatsoever other than to make himself look like the big I-Am, I wouldn't have needed to respond. Why does this guy get a free pass to wade in and opinionate on things that have nothing whatsoever to do with him, but I have to 'be kind' in return?
Fuck that fucking shit.

OP posts:
Amotherlife · 31/03/2023 21:43

I don't know why anyone believes ignoring someone acting unreasonably is a weak move involving submission to anything. It is not. It's recognising the pointlessness of arguing and the dignity of showing you actually aren't affected by it, in order to shut it down.

I'm more than capable of being assertive when the time is right and won't let anyone get one over on me, despite being 'old' and slightly built. There are ways of dealing with things that need to be dealt with that are far more effective than a screaming match or verbal abuse and insults.

Life works out just fine if you calmly take the moral high ground. But some people are too wrapped up in their own emotions to notice that. This guy didn't know you OP, he most likely had some sort of dementia or mental illness, or maybe was just under a lot of stress. Why take it personally? He doesn't really give a damn about you, so why allow yourself to get riled? He won't change just because you shouted back. He won't tell his mates that they should also mend their ways. Reminds me of young teen boys insulting each other's mothers.

Devoutspoken · 31/03/2023 21:46

He was probably upset that you were purchasing the very substance that he believed killed his wife, although that's no excuse

girlfriend44 · 31/03/2023 21:50

knobheadex · 31/03/2023 14:28

Something happened to me yesterday and I've been stewing on it ever since.

It's 3pm and I'm on the way to pick up the kids from school. I nip in the the local garage because I'm slightly early and need to pick up a few things anyway.

It's pretty busy so I wait my turn in the queue. When I get to the front I ask the friendly young guy for some low nicotine e-liquid. As part of the chat I mention how I usually buy Elf Bars but I'm trying to quit vaping now. Suddenly I'm aware of someone behind me shouting something, so I spun round to see what's going on. There's a tall, rotund white haired man standing at the back of the queue booming 'They'll all kill your anyway, love!'

I reply that I'm aware it's not healthy and that's why I'm trying to quit before turning back to pay for my stuff and get the hell out of there. But he's still shouting 'I don't drink and I've never smoked! You know why??! Because I'm the boss of this!' And he proceeds to tap the side of his head. 'I can do anything I put my mind to!'

I say 'thank you very much for the unsolicited advice random man' and carry on with the transaction. But he won't shut up. He's really belittling me now and suggesting that I am weak willed and pathetic for being addicted to something. I'm done paying now and turn to leave and he's yelling at me that his wife has emphysema because she smoked 40 a day. I say loudly 'Now I feel doubly sorry for your wife' and march towards the door.

He's still going, although I'm not sure exactly what he's shouting about now but I'm raging by this point. Who does he think he is? Would he be saying all of this to a man buying cigarettes? So I get to the door and then shout back at him 'Can do anything apparently, but can't mind your own fucking business or put down the pies long enough to drop a few inches off that waistband of yours'.

A few people in the queue gasped and I left feeling like I'd gone too far. Did I? Or did he deserve it, just a little bit?

Yes you were horrible and rude and let yourself down.Why on earth didn't you just ignore him.
You don't need to get into tit for tat rubbish with people and try and have the last word.
Pointless in this case. Just ignore.
You can't stop people saying things but you can choose how you react.

Zuffe · 31/03/2023 21:52

You didn’t ‘need’ to respond the way you did OP. You chose to.

dottypotter · 31/03/2023 21:55

I would have ignored it. How old are you for God's sake and what did you think it would achieve?
How do you know he wouldn't come at with you a knife you don't know what kind of day he's having or what he is like.
Walk away. Value your safety if nothing else.

Original poster
knobheadex · 31/03/2023 22:02

Just to clarify...I feel bad that I swore at him and called him fat. But I DO NOT think he deserved my kindness or that I should just ignore him. What the fuck was the feminist movement all for if we're just meant to smile graciously and bow out without a fuss?
He was a cunt of the highest order and he deserved calling out. It's just the tuts and gasps that made me question myself, but now I feel that I'd do the same again.
When does a strange women pop up to impart her expertise on fuck all?

It's always fucking men.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 31/03/2023 22:06

I think you were out of order with this man, who seems unwell, and I think you were out of order with the other man who was concerned about your dog - if it had been a woman warning you about dognappers, would you have reacted differently?

Original poster
knobheadex · 31/03/2023 22:11

Nimbostratus100 · 31/03/2023 22:06

I think you were out of order with this man, who seems unwell, and I think you were out of order with the other man who was concerned about your dog - if it had been a woman warning you about dognappers, would you have reacted differently?

No, that has happened before! Tied my dog up outside Sainsbury's. Came out five minutes later to a rescue committee. Said to the woman who tried to berate me 'oh! Are you the dog warden?' No, she said. 'Right, so fuck off and mind your own business' I said. Then grabbed my dog and strided off.
I'm done with people telling me what to do.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 31/03/2023 22:12

Grow up everyone. Stop using foul language and letting yourselves down.
If you do that in a shop people will just think what a foul mouthed old scrubber you are.
Just hold you head up high and ignore.
Silence is also powerful.
What is wrong with some people on here always want to have the last word and be abusive.

Original poster
knobheadex · 31/03/2023 22:19

But I just want to say....women approach you on the quiet to have a go. Men seem to enjoy the theatre. It's not only men that have told me off recently, but it is only men that have made a public show of trying to humiliate the silly little girl.
I wouldn't mind, but I'm 43 and have 4 children. I don't think it helped yesterday that I was wearing a baseball cap. I've suffered horrific postpartum hair loss recently and it's all thankfully started to grow again, but I look like Pat Sharpe right now so threw a leather jacket and baseball on in an attempt to look normal. I think he thought I was younger than I was.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 31/03/2023 22:24

I think you saying you felt bad that you swore at him and called him fat shows that you were taken off guard at his public and brazen ill manners and that you normally wouldn’t have reacted the way you did.

It helps to have ready a response when something like this happens, because you’re right there are times that ignoring someone is not the right thing to do. Depends on the situation. Perhaps smiling at him benignly then carrying on with what you’re doing will work, sometimes not, or say ‘thank you, I am trying to cut back’ a gracious response in the face of appalling behavior will usually neutralize it and bring a situation back to stable ground.

SaySomethingMan · 31/03/2023 22:25

You’ve come across really horribly in this.
Yes he shouldn’t’ t have given you unsolicited judgement on a habit everyone knows id disgustingly harmful. However, there could be all sorts of health issues behind his weight gain, etc

I also agree chatting to the cashier and slowing others down is very annoying.

ssd · 31/03/2023 22:39

Honestly op, do you want a pat on the back from everyone cos you answered folk back, folk that most of us would have ignored?
You're not coming across well here

Original poster
knobheadex · 31/03/2023 22:51

ssd · 31/03/2023 22:39

Honestly op, do you want a pat on the back from everyone cos you answered folk back, folk that most of us would have ignored?
You're not coming across well here

No of course I don't want a pat on the back. I know I could have handled it better, but then so could he!

OP posts:
Devoutspoken · 31/03/2023 22:55

To be fair, i've had unsolicited advice from women, also i think what you're purchasing is becoming more controversial as time goes on, nicotine is a bit old fashioned

Original poster
knobheadex · 31/03/2023 22:59

Devoutspoken · 31/03/2023 22:55

To be fair, i've had unsolicited advice from women, also i think what you're purchasing is becoming more controversial as time goes on, nicotine is a bit old fashioned

Yes you are quite right. I hate that I'm a slave to it. The tragic thing is that I quit smoking cigarettes 13 years ago when I was pregnant with my first born. Then when I broke up with my husband of 13 years I started vaping like a loser and I'm still trapped, but trying to change.

OP posts:
Zuffe · 31/03/2023 23:00

knobheadex · 31/03/2023 22:11

No, that has happened before! Tied my dog up outside Sainsbury's. Came out five minutes later to a rescue committee. Said to the woman who tried to berate me 'oh! Are you the dog warden?' No, she said. 'Right, so fuck off and mind your own business' I said. Then grabbed my dog and strided off.
I'm done with people telling me what to do.

Show quote history

As I said earlier you don’t ‘need’ to do anything. You have agency.

maddiemookins16mum · 31/03/2023 23:03

Both as bad as each other.

GodSaveTheClean · 31/03/2023 23:19

Oh grow up.

Partyandbullshit · 31/03/2023 23:26

Ugh. This absolutely was NOT sticking it to the patriarchy. Neither was it a feminist coup 🙄. Do you really think women’s right to equality has been advanced by you insulting this man’s weight? Sounds more like two ill mannered people being rude to each other in public.

Next time, why not just ask outright “would you be shouting all this to me if I were a man?” and leave him. That is, if you’re out for making that point and not just being sensitive about your nicotine consumption / having a bad day / feeling sick of men thinking they can pick on you. Say what you mean.