To have laid in to this old man?

[knobheadex]

Something happened to me yesterday and I've been stewing on it ever since.

It's 3pm and I'm on the way to pick up the kids from school. I nip in the the local garage because I'm slightly early and need to pick up a few things anyway.

It's pretty busy so I wait my turn in the queue. When I get to the front I ask the friendly young guy for some low nicotine e-liquid. As part of the chat I mention how I usually buy Elf Bars but I'm trying to quit vaping now. Suddenly I'm aware of someone behind me shouting something, so I spun round to see what's going on. There's a tall, rotund white haired man standing at the back of the queue booming 'They'll all kill your anyway, love!'

I reply that I'm aware it's not healthy and that's why I'm trying to quit before turning back to pay for my stuff and get the hell out of there. But he's still shouting 'I don't drink and I've never smoked! You know why??! Because I'm the boss of this!' And he proceeds to tap the side of his head. 'I can do anything I put my mind to!'

I say 'thank you very much for the unsolicited advice random man' and carry on with the transaction. But he won't shut up. He's really belittling me now and suggesting that I am weak willed and pathetic for being addicted to something. I'm done paying now and turn to leave and he's yelling at me that his wife has emphysema because she smoked 40 a day. I say loudly 'Now I feel doubly sorry for your wife' and march towards the door.

He's still going, although I'm not sure exactly what he's shouting about now but I'm raging by this point. Who does he think he is? Would he be saying all of this to a man buying cigarettes? So I get to the door and then shout back at him 'Can do anything apparently, but can't mind your own fucking business or put down the pies long enough to drop a few inches off that waistband of yours'.

A few people in the queue gasped and I left feeling like I'd gone too far. Did I? Or did he deserve it, just a little bit?

Years ago all bets would have been off and I'd have responded aggressively and loud. But as I matured I found coming back with a slightly snooty response saying something like 'how lovely' was way better for the way I felt after. When I used to anger the horrible feelings wouldn't leave me for a long time. My mother however would have probably lamped him unfortunately, grew up seeing her punch grown men, not nice at all.

Yanbu

What a knob

BTW not criticising you at all, hope you are OK.

Uh huh.

He deserved it the fat bastard

That would not have bothered me in the least. You got personal with how he looked, you lost that one after that.

People seem to think you either have to meekly shut up like a well behaved little woman or behave like a classless gobshite.
Theres plenty of options in between

Good for you.

Why the hell does a woman have to behave better than a man who rudely insulted and criticised her? Why does MN look for excuses to justify his awful behaviour ?

Its no wonder so many women here put up with crap from their men; they've been conditioned to submit, make allowances, acquiesce, back down, give way. Be a people pleaser. Behave like a lady.

I used to stand up for myself and feel quite proud but I no longer think it’s a good strategy because it doesn’t achieve anything except to wind the person up more and wind yourself up. It’s best to ignore.

His aim was to get your attention. Any response you make is a win. To respond so, erm, dramatically was the jackpot. You'll have made his day, given him a bit of excitement to talk about, and taught him that his behaviour works.
Ignoring someone is not a meek act of submission, its a very clear message that no matter what they do they will not be rewarded with your attention.

I probably wouldn't have responded to him at all tbh. Take the higher ground.

It’s very different if you’re in a relationship with the person though. It’s not about submitting if that person isn’t gaining anything by you submitting. You just filter those awful people out so that they may as well not exist. And then you learn to be very careful about the people you let into your home and life.

I would have left my place in the queue to high five you OP.. 😂

You were right to stick up for yourself OP.

But wtf does him being old, fat and white haired have to do with it? 👀

Well done! He deserved it.

He's clearly the type that enjoys picking fights with people. I admire the fact that you were able to give as good as you got, but think it would have annoyed him more if you'd barely acknowledged him!

To be honest I would have ignore him, paid for my things and left. It didn’t warrant that whole exchange.

I disagree with everyone I guess. Yes, it was very rude of him to insert himself into your business and to lecture you and to continue doing it.

That said, looking at the entire context, he is an old man; his wife is in ill health because of smoking; he is telling the world—not just you, not just because you’re a woman, you just happened to be buying vaping liquid—what the consequences are of smoking and vaping; he is in his way trying to help you avoid that; he saw a healthy young woman with an attachment to vaping and he wants you to stay healthy and not get ill like his wife did.

You showed as much gracelessness as he did, and I think the gasps from everyone there were because of the above context, he is an old man warning you of the dangers of nicotine, albeit in an overbearing way. He was actually right in everything he said, control of your mind etc. You on the other hand had
no underlying altruistic motive, you simply wanted to hurt him for embarrassing you in making public note of your bad habit. You were ungracious. Hence the gasps and your guilty conscience feeling you’d gone too far.

It’s easy to be polite and magnanimous when you are unchallenged. These kinds of situations and spontaneous reactions show you and others your character, we all fail at this all the time. I lost my temper and acted the fool three times this week, even though I was actively trying to watch myself 😂 I only ended up looking foolish. But I am going to keep trying. I think the old man was trying to help you. His manner understandably irked you, you didn’t need reminding of your bad habit in public. Anyway, try to forgive him and yourself and move on, and good luck to you, sounds like you’re taking steps to reduce your attachment to nicotine.

I didn't. He started to talk to me as he scanned the few things I was buying. I wasn't holding anyone up, the only thing that slowed the process down was the fat dude giving me a lecture from the back of the shop.

Woman sticks up for herself - and womankind - but doesn't do it word perfectly, so gets even more criticism from other misogynists.

Bloody well done, OP. Ignore the haters.

Man was condescending and obnoxious.
Woman was ageist and body shaming.

She didn’t stick up for womankind. She confirmed the views of every misogynist in that queue, including the old man.

You've already acknowledged you shouldn't have mentioned his weight.

I do hope you don't still work with the elderly? You said above you've worked with dementia sufferers. I hope that was in the past, and very brief. Because your attitude is fucking disgraceful.

Yes. Unfortunately you're spot on.