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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off that DH is doing this?!

126 replies

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 15:48

DH and I used to both be teachers. We realised we couldn’t live the lifestyle we wanted with us both teaching and we looked for other roles. I got a job in the City working longer hours with more stress that now pays 3x DH’s teaching salary. He mentions almost daily that he wants to leave teaching - he did one application (which I actually wrote) for another role. He secured that job but then (when he calculated in the additional costs of commuting and the additional 8 weeks per year of childcare for two DCs) he realised we’d only be marginally better off and he turned down the job offer.

DH and I have had a million discussions about what he wants to do career-wise and all I hear back is that he doesn’t know but he doesn’t want to be a teacher. I have suggested everything I can think of - doctor, lawyer, banker, engineer, personal trainer, flipping houses, consultancy, private tutor… nothing sticks. We look into, make financial plans to let him to a medicine degree or look at the opportunities available at KPMG or EY and then be just changed his mind and we’re back to square one again. He’s not progressed at all in teaching because he keeps saying he’ll be leaving so he doesn’t apply for TLRs.

Recently, we had a disaster with our childcare allocation which meant that we lost our childcare provision for three months. I WFH so I had DCs at home with me whilst working full-time too (my employer was aware and understood that it wasn’t my fault). DH couldn’t work and do childcare because obviously being a teacher he can’t WFH at all so he just worked as normal throughout that.

He’s now decided that he can’t cope with looking after DC’s in the holidays and wants them to stay in childcare for the days when he’s on holiday and I’m not on holiday! So, he’s turned down a job because of the “savings in childcare costs” we get from him teaching but then there are no bloody savings because he wants them in childcare anyway.

I’m pissed off.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 30/03/2023 15:50

He needs to start contributing properly and decide to work to earn more money if not doing something he likes

billyt · 30/03/2023 15:52

I assume he'll be getting a part time jobs for the holidays, then? Grin

Greensleevevssnotnose · 30/03/2023 15:54

Jeepers just say no! It he pays for it from his salary.

Glitteratitar · 30/03/2023 15:55

So what’s he going to be doing for 6 weeks in the summer whilst you’re at work and the children are in childcare?

Merryoldgoat · 30/03/2023 15:56

He sounds like an absolute pain in the neck.

Original poster
YoTeach · 30/03/2023 15:57

Glitteratitar · 30/03/2023 15:55

So what’s he going to be doing for 6 weeks in the summer whilst you’re at work and the children are in childcare?

He’s said he’s planning to renovate the house.

OP posts:
zurala · 30/03/2023 15:58

He's taking the piss. Of course he has to do childcare in the holidays! Time to have a strong conversation with him. He sounds like a waste of space.

SeasonFinale · 30/03/2023 15:59

I didn't even see the logic of him turning down the job he actually got. Often women end up no better off going back after maternity leave in cash in pocket terms but better off for pensions and career progression so it would be the same.

Time for him to put up or shut up.

FriendsDrinkBook · 30/03/2023 15:59

He's planning to , but I bet he won't.

He's going to watch netflix in his pants all day.

Original poster
YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:02

SeasonFinale · 30/03/2023 15:59

I didn't even see the logic of him turning down the job he actually got. Often women end up no better off going back after maternity leave in cash in pocket terms but better off for pensions and career progression so it would be the same.

Time for him to put up or shut up.

The teaching pension is very good though so he’d have been worse off from a pension perspective too if he’d taken the job.

OP posts:
Glitteratitar · 30/03/2023 16:02

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 15:57

He’s said he’s planning to renovate the house.

Show quote history

Does the house actually need to be renovated? Will he do the work, or just sit on his arse all day long?

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 30/03/2023 16:03

Tell him tough, look after the children. Be a parent.

L3ThirtySeven · 30/03/2023 16:03

That sounds really difficult OP to be with a partner that is directionless. I think you should stop suggesting careers for him. What he wants to do has to come from within him. And I’d tell him, like it or not, he is a teacher and he should be doing his best while he has that career. If he wants to leave, he needs to do it himself. I would be pissed off too and just done with trying to help him.

Id refuse to have the children in day care the entire summer holidays. I can understand a 2 week summer camp type thing for the benefit of the children, but not dropping them off at day care so he can sit at home in his PJs and do fuck all.

I can understand too if you both use a weeks holiday to go on a child free holiday alone or with friends but that has to be even and available for both of you.

beAsensible1 · 30/03/2023 16:05

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 15:57

He’s said he’s planning to renovate the house.

Show quote history

Yeah bloody right! so your entiresummer will be your house full of barely started jobs. time to light a fire under him and take no prisoners

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 16:06

Wow, I'd love to be able to have 13 weeks off by myself and put the kids in childcare

I presume you get the same then op? You can now take your holiday whenever you like.

He sounds like a complete flake. But the plus side is that he can now take any job because you don't have to take into consideration school holidays

I also feel pretty sorry for your dc, fancy knowing your Dad is at home and you're being packed off to a childminder or nursery

Original poster
YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:06

I’m honestly just so annoyed right now. What the hell?! This week in particular has been a shit show (his school is doing a school musical so he’s been helping with that (for free of course because it’s teaching) so he’s not been home until 10pm every night. Last week, DD was ill and missed three days of nursery that I had to cover because schools are unbelievably difficult about parents/teachers covering their own DC’s sickness childcare. I’ve been working through all that and doing everything with the DCs and it just feels like he’s just shirking off as much as he can and has no intention of being any better.

OP posts:
Waydown · 30/03/2023 16:07

I'm afraid he sounds like a lot of my teacher colleagues. Always moaning and saying they're going to leave but in reality they can't earn enough money elsewhere to make sacrificing the holidays worthwhile.

He probably needs to accept that he's staying and apply himself to moving up the teaching ladder.

I wouldn't be paying for childcare in the holidays though.

Waydown · 30/03/2023 16:08

It also sounds like maybe you're the one who "realised we couldn’t live the lifestyle we wanted" and he's not as bothered?

Original poster
YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:10

Waydown · 30/03/2023 16:08

It also sounds like maybe you're the one who "realised we couldn’t live the lifestyle we wanted" and he's not as bothered?

Nope. Absolutely not the case. He wanted the private schools, he wants to drive a jag, he wanted ski holidays. I can’t even drive and I hate skiing. I’m not complaining, I like my life and I’m glad I have it but this was his push and I feel like he just expects me to fund the lifestyle he wants while he sits back and coasts.

OP posts:
Yiayoula · 30/03/2023 16:11

Oh dear !
Suggest he either puts up, or shuts up .
I would not be happy either .

FinallyHere · 30/03/2023 16:13

expects me to fund the lifestyle he wants while he sits back and coasts.

This must be very difficult to cope with. The chances are it's either laziness or it's overwhelm from stress at work.

Good luck with working that out, they will respond to very different approaches.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/03/2023 16:15

Stop pandering to this immature flake. He needs to join the real world.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2023 16:16

If you can look after DC while working the bloody least he can do is look after them when he’s not. Cheeky bastard.

2catsandhappy · 30/03/2023 16:20

Have you point blank said to his face, that you are not paying for child care while he is at home?

Nonentity4 · 30/03/2023 16:20

Do the children enjoy childcare? My kids loved going to summer camps and residentials. Could you reach a compromise? I think you are being taken advantage of too but he sounds a bit lost. If the kids enjoy activities then so long as they win out of the situation that’s all that would matter to me.