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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off that DH is doing this?!

126 replies

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 15:48

DH and I used to both be teachers. We realised we couldn’t live the lifestyle we wanted with us both teaching and we looked for other roles. I got a job in the City working longer hours with more stress that now pays 3x DH’s teaching salary. He mentions almost daily that he wants to leave teaching - he did one application (which I actually wrote) for another role. He secured that job but then (when he calculated in the additional costs of commuting and the additional 8 weeks per year of childcare for two DCs) he realised we’d only be marginally better off and he turned down the job offer.

DH and I have had a million discussions about what he wants to do career-wise and all I hear back is that he doesn’t know but he doesn’t want to be a teacher. I have suggested everything I can think of - doctor, lawyer, banker, engineer, personal trainer, flipping houses, consultancy, private tutor… nothing sticks. We look into, make financial plans to let him to a medicine degree or look at the opportunities available at KPMG or EY and then be just changed his mind and we’re back to square one again. He’s not progressed at all in teaching because he keeps saying he’ll be leaving so he doesn’t apply for TLRs.

Recently, we had a disaster with our childcare allocation which meant that we lost our childcare provision for three months. I WFH so I had DCs at home with me whilst working full-time too (my employer was aware and understood that it wasn’t my fault). DH couldn’t work and do childcare because obviously being a teacher he can’t WFH at all so he just worked as normal throughout that.

He’s now decided that he can’t cope with looking after DC’s in the holidays and wants them to stay in childcare for the days when he’s on holiday and I’m not on holiday! So, he’s turned down a job because of the “savings in childcare costs” we get from him teaching but then there are no bloody savings because he wants them in childcare anyway.

I’m pissed off.

OP posts:
Mummynew08 · 31/03/2023 18:56

Yanbu for expecting him to do childcare in his long holidays.

Yabvu to expect him to apply for promotions or upgrade his career etc.

I say this as a part time teacher whose DH earns much more than me in a different industry. (Although i do have an extra PT contracting job outside teaching). I have no ambition whatsoever to become a head of dept, assistant head etc. I earn ok for a teacher because I've been doing it for over 10y and in a shortage subject, but I never want a promotion. I'd be seriously resentful if my DH was encouraging me to retrain as a lawyer or doctor (?!!) or nagging me to get a promotion.

Also you'd be astonished, but DD carries on going to nursery through the holidays. We have an all-year place and don't want to lose it.

Sure your DH sounds feckless about caring for his kids and he's in a different earning league to you. It sounds like you don't like or respect him at all any more. Thank goodness my DH sees me differently and values my contribution in spite of "earning 3x more"

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 31/03/2023 18:59

I got seriously pissed off just reading that. No is your new best friend.

No DH

No definitely not DH

No is absolutely non negotiable DH

And repeat

thegrain · 31/03/2023 19:00

He’s now decided that he can’t cope with looking after DC’s in the holidays and wants them to stay in childcare for the days when he’s on holiday and I’m not on holiday! this would be the absolute final straw for me. What a waste of space.

thegrain · 31/03/2023 19:03

Also you'd be astonished, but DD carries on going to nursery through the holidays. We have an all-year place and don't want to lose it. that's completely different @Mummynew08 the DH had worked out it wad better for him not to switch as they saved on childcare if he didn't work holidays. But now he can't be bothered to look after his kids on holiday.

Fairislefandango · 31/03/2023 19:15

He’s now decided that he can’t cope with looking after DC’s in the holidays and wants them to stay in childcare for the days when he’s on holiday and I’m not on holiday!

That's just pathetic and totally unacceptable.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 31/03/2023 19:36

fruitstick · 31/03/2023 08:36

@Maray1967 would you be saying this if the roles were reversed?

I'm not saying OP's DH is blameless here, but if there was a post that said 'DH earns high salary but keeps it all for himself and says I have to pay pot of my small salary' then he would be given short shrift.

All the teachers I know at the moment are on their knees.

£45k isn't a small salary though

fruitstick · 31/03/2023 19:37

So what's the problem with him having nice things?

PopethYnIawn · 31/03/2023 19:45

I think I'd have to leave him. Sounds like he's all take and not much else.

How many children do you have? How can he not be able to manage to look after his own children, it's nonsense.

I agree with the previous poster that he wants to sit in his pants and watch Netfix.

Companyofwolves · 31/03/2023 19:49

Also OP isn’t putting pressure on him to get a better paid job @Mummynew08. They both decided to leave teaching as both unhappy & needed more earnings to sustain their lifestyle. OP has realised that & now earning more - DH however turned down a higher paid role due to childcare costs in long holidays being still needed. However continues to moan how unhappy he is in teaching yet does nothing to change that. And now plans to outsource childcare in long holidays - presumably because he thinks his wife - who also covers all kids’ sickness, childcare & presumably most of the domestic load - can now pay for him to. That’s not fair!

blackbeardsballsack · 31/03/2023 19:59

THisbackwithavengeance · 31/03/2023 08:51

He's not a waste of space is he as suggested by someone up thread. He works FT as a teacher! Why would someone even think that? I'm not always a massive fan of teachers but they certainly do a great job on the whole for a thankless public.

But you sort of lost me OP when you were suggesting career changes as if your DH could resign from teaching one day and then start work the next as a doctor/lawyer/engineer/flip houses.

Does your DH also have a law degree and bar qualifications plus engineering degree plus medical degree to be able to do all these highly skilled and professional jobs at the drop of a hat?

Are you also quite sure you haven't had your head turned by one of your high earning city colleagues because there's nothing wrong with being a teacher and it's not even badly paid! You sound really dismissive and critical of your DH.

But yeah, he needs to be told to stop whining about his job and to look after his own kids in the holidays.

Although saying that, there's nothing wrong with putting kids in a holiday club or daily activity for a few hours each day during summer holidays in order to break up the day and provide structure and interest. Otherwise what are they going to do? Anything out the house/ days out costs even more money and being stuck at home isn't that much fun either.

What are you talking about? The OP is being an incredibly supportive partner, by giving him the opportunity to give up the job that he claims to hate and enabling him to retrain. I wouldn't be able to afford to give up my stressful job and retrain in a whole new career, wish I had a partner that would happily facilitate that.

OP has also explained that it's her partner that has the fixation on materialistic things and wants to live the high life, not her. He's the one who wants the flash cars and status holidays. He just can't be bothered to do anything about earning the salary required for the lifestyle he wants. He doesn't even seem to want to do any parenting. It sounds as if he has lots of opportunities, but that nothing will make him happy. And in the meantime OP is supposed to deliver, in terms of income, parenting, child care...everything. Whilst he moans and mopes and does whatever suits him.

Mummynew08 · 31/03/2023 20:03

Companyofwolves · 31/03/2023 19:49

Also OP isn’t putting pressure on him to get a better paid job @Mummynew08. They both decided to leave teaching as both unhappy & needed more earnings to sustain their lifestyle. OP has realised that & now earning more - DH however turned down a higher paid role due to childcare costs in long holidays being still needed. However continues to moan how unhappy he is in teaching yet does nothing to change that. And now plans to outsource childcare in long holidays - presumably because he thinks his wife - who also covers all kids’ sickness, childcare & presumably most of the domestic load - can now pay for him to. That’s not fair!

OP says I have suggested everything I can think of - doctor, lawyer, banker, engineer, personal trainer, flipping houses, consultancy, private tutor… nothing sticks.

I would be at best bemused and at worst raging if my high-earning DH spoke to me like this. I am fine with my bog standard part time teaching job (even only 3 days pw I earn around national-median salary so I'd be raging if anyone implied i wasn't earning enough). And btw it is totally OK to winge about your job occasionally without being nagged to quit it and find a different one.

Mummynew08 · 31/03/2023 20:13

But you sort of lost me OP when you were suggesting career changes as if your DH could resign from teaching one day and then start work the next as a doctor/lawyer/engineer/flip houses.

Completely agree @THisbackwithavengeance

It's disrespectful both to teachers and to doctors, lawyers etc to imply that you can switch from one to another like clicking a button in a computer game. Teaching is a craft and we train/work for years to get good at it. I'm baffled what subject OP's DH teaches if his wife thinks doctoring AND lawyering AND engineering could all be viable options for him - does he have multiple degrees?!

Companyofwolves · 31/03/2023 20:20

@Mummynew08 I agree that I wouldn’t like it either if my DH pressurised me to trade up & didn’t believe my teaching job was good enough.

But DH himself is the one not happy with it. He doesn’t think it’s good enough or well paid enough for his lifestyle. OP is only trying to support & facilitate him finding what does make him happy. She’s happy for him to stay in teaching. But he isn’t happy. And won’t do anything to remedy that whilst still expecting her to do everything (& pay for it).

DH and I used to both be teachers. We realised we couldn’t live the lifestyle we wanted with us both teaching and we looked for other roles.

Sandwidged · 31/03/2023 20:25

In your shoes I’d point him in the direction of proper paid careers advisers who know about transferable skills and retraining. Also a life/career coach. I would then leave the job situation fully in his hands and stop researching or enabling change. If he wants it bad enough he will do it without your input. Let him waffle on about wanting change but don’t step in and rescue him.

holidays. Maybe he could have a couple of days childfree at the start of each holiday if burnt out.

NumberTheory · 31/03/2023 20:25

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to insist he takes more of the slack and more of the picking up when things go to hell if your family rely on your wage more and he isn't trying to progress in his. When the childcare fell through, you could insist he covered half (as a lot more female teachers will have done in similar circumstances, even though schools are unbelievably difficult about these things). You can say "No" to ski holidays if you don't enjoy them. On the childcare in the summer, it's not unreasonable to say that he isn't pulling his weight if he's not even going to do the holiday childcare. Unless he's really skilled at DIY it would presumably be better to get professionals to renovate the home anyway? You aren't being unreasonable to be explicit that you're feel taken advantage of.

He doesn't sound ambitious and that isn't a character flaw, but he does need to pull his weight and not just pick and choose how he wants to use your joint efforts while you do all the sacrificing.

How happy are you with your job, OP?

You have valid concerns about him wanting the kids in childcare for the whole summer. And it is shit to have to listen to someone moan but do nothing even when there are opportunities in front of them. But there still sounds like there's a bit more to your annoyance and I just wondered if you regret your job at all? You may be glad you left teaching but still like something less high pressured, for instance. Is that part of the upset?

thegrain · 31/03/2023 20:27

Sandwidged · 31/03/2023 20:25

In your shoes I’d point him in the direction of proper paid careers advisers who know about transferable skills and retraining. Also a life/career coach. I would then leave the job situation fully in his hands and stop researching or enabling change. If he wants it bad enough he will do it without your input. Let him waffle on about wanting change but don’t step in and rescue him.

holidays. Maybe he could have a couple of days childfree at the start of each holiday if burnt out.

I wouldn't bother with the first bit. He's a teacher so he isn't thick presumably he can work that out himself.

RockGirl · 31/03/2023 20:34

He's whingeing because he thinks eventually you'll give in and he can get away with not working whilst he spends your hard earned money.

Partyandbullshit · 31/03/2023 20:40

He sounds insecure, unadventurous, a procrastinator, lazy, and unable to take responsibility for himself or his family. All deeply unattractive. Are his redeeming qualities worth it? Difficult to see how you aren’t resentful tbh.

Codlingmoths · 31/03/2023 20:43

Skiing isn’t an essential, I’d cancel that king of thing until you have two decent incomes funding it. Which will be never op, he sounds completely incapable. I’d have lost it and said I don’t want to hear one single fucking word more about how you don’t like your job when I’m the only one who’s put any effort into finding you another one. If you cared that much you would have done SOMETHING surely? Instead you turned down the one job you got because we didn’t want to pay childcare only turns out you do want to pay childcare, just without you having to work.

XanaduKira · 31/03/2023 20:56

Waydown · 30/03/2023 16:07

I'm afraid he sounds like a lot of my teacher colleagues. Always moaning and saying they're going to leave but in reality they can't earn enough money elsewhere to make sacrificing the holidays worthwhile.

He probably needs to accept that he's staying and apply himself to moving up the teaching ladder.

I wouldn't be paying for childcare in the holidays though.

Yep - agree with this.

RandomMess · 31/03/2023 21:06

I agree no more ski holidays and the jag goes back and start living on less, more in align with your joint income to ensure you can afford private school, holiday cover etc.

I would be livid tbh.

Goldbar · 31/03/2023 21:07

What would his reaction be if you said you were going back to teaching/cutting hours so you could be there more for the DC during the holidays? But because of this you'd have to make some financial cuts.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 31/03/2023 21:12

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 15:57

He’s said he’s planning to renovate the house.

Show quote history

You worked from home and did child care for 3 months he can 'renovate' (I'd bet on it not happening) while looking after the kids. He's taking the piss. You should get equal holiday days with no DC to care for as him. I'd also bet he wouldn't think you should get that and when you're both home your always the default parent.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 31/03/2023 21:16

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:02

The teaching pension is very good though so he’d have been worse off from a pension perspective too if he’d taken the job.

Show quote history

But if he hates his job he'd be mentally healthier doing a different job. He's choosing to stay in teaching because he likes the benefits. I wouldn't engage any more on the job front, just sympathize when he complains and don't waste anymore of your time and energy on thinking about different carers for him. If he wants it enough he'll make it happen.

Iflyaway · 31/03/2023 22:52

OP has also explained that it's her partner that has the fixation on materialistic things and wants to live the high life, not her. He's the one who wants the flash cars and status holidays. He just can't be bothered to do anything about earning the salary required for the lifestyle he wants. He doesn't even seem to want to do any parenting. It sounds as if he has lots of opportunities, but that nothing will make him happy. And in the meantime OP is supposed to deliver, in terms of income, parenting, child care...everything. Whilst he moans and mopes and does whatever suits him.

This sums it up well.

Honestly, I'd be getting the ick with someone like that in my life. Sorry OP.