AIBU to be pissed off that DH is doing this?!

[YoTeach]

DH and I used to both be teachers. We realised we couldn’t live the lifestyle we wanted with us both teaching and we looked for other roles. I got a job in the City working longer hours with more stress that now pays 3x DH’s teaching salary. He mentions almost daily that he wants to leave teaching - he did one application (which I actually wrote) for another role. He secured that job but then (when he calculated in the additional costs of commuting and the additional 8 weeks per year of childcare for two DCs) he realised we’d only be marginally better off and he turned down the job offer.

DH and I have had a million discussions about what he wants to do career-wise and all I hear back is that he doesn’t know but he doesn’t want to be a teacher. I have suggested everything I can think of - doctor, lawyer, banker, engineer, personal trainer, flipping houses, consultancy, private tutor… nothing sticks. We look into, make financial plans to let him to a medicine degree or look at the opportunities available at KPMG or EY and then be just changed his mind and we’re back to square one again. He’s not progressed at all in teaching because he keeps saying he’ll be leaving so he doesn’t apply for TLRs.

Recently, we had a disaster with our childcare allocation which meant that we lost our childcare provision for three months. I WFH so I had DCs at home with me whilst working full-time too (my employer was aware and understood that it wasn’t my fault). DH couldn’t work and do childcare because obviously being a teacher he can’t WFH at all so he just worked as normal throughout that.

He’s now decided that he can’t cope with looking after DC’s in the holidays and wants them to stay in childcare for the days when he’s on holiday and I’m not on holiday! So, he’s turned down a job because of the “savings in childcare costs” we get from him teaching but then there are no bloody savings because he wants them in childcare anyway.

I’m pissed off.

He's a CF for even suggesting that the DC stay in childcare during the holidays! Surely one of the biggest benefits of being a teacher is that you get all the extra time with your kids. There is no way that I would agree to this unless he took on a summer job to cover the childcare costs. Even then, I'd be disappointed in him as a father for opting out of spending time with his kids. What a moocher.

I'm astounded that he refused a job offer (on more money) because it would mean the dc had to go into childcare and this was an expense you couldn't afford, yet he's now suggesting the exact same scenario with the children in the school holidays - I'd be asking him what's changed, has he suddenly had a pay rise and not told you so he can now afford extra childcare? Talk about bending your environment to fit his own wants

That’s not right & not at all fair on you or the kids. He’s making up excuses not to trade up & now you’re caught in a trap of doing it all. Clearly the extra money you are earning has gone to his head. Does he have ideas beyond his means usually? Think big talks need to be had. The relentless moaning is not acceptable. Nor is childcare when that’s partly why he does that job. Presumably when you were teaching you must have done the lion’s share in the holidays otherwise he wouldn’t be so desperate to outsource it now he’s the one expected to step up. He can’t hack it & happy to pay for it with your money. For me this would be true colours here. No respect for you. He needs to sort himself out. Relationship therapy worth a shot??

On the one hand, he's being flaky and ridiculous

On the other, it sounds like you are pushing him to be more like you.

Do you want him to earn the same salary as you. The things you are suggesting are all big jobs, but there are lots of other challenging, rewarding jobs out there, particularly if one of you is a high wage earner.

I know lots of women whose husbands earn a big salary and still put their children into clubs or activities for some of the holidays. Or does he mean full time childcare.

I think he needs to step up, but I also think you need to have a serious think about what you expect from him, and whether you both want or need the same things.

Exactly this. Reorganise your finances if you’re sharing them. How is he getting skiing holidays if his salary doesn’t support them?
Keep a joint account for essentials but nothing else. Keep the rest of your salary in an account he can’t access. If he wants those luxuries he has to pay for them himself.

I knew a couple whose marriage failed over this. He gave up a decent job for a very low paid one he really wanted to do. She was an accountant. He still expected to do a very expensive hobby - flying- from her income. Within less than a year the resentment caused her to end the marriage. He couldn’t accept that his choice meant he should rethink his hobbies.

I would not be worrying that DH is a teacher.
He needs to own that and enjoy his work.
Have the kids in child care some of those days and your husband can look after them for some.

That will give him a break and let him do some renovation.
Encourage him to finish the renovation - to only take on what he can finish in the weeks available to him.
He will get a positive reward from that and so will all of you.

Can your husband choose to shift slightly in the teaching job to an area that he will enjoy more in future years?

Absolutely not on that you pick up all sick days, all school related things, all the wraparound etc because of his job so do...but the one benefit of his job (the school holidays) when he can contribute to make it more equal, he expects a huge break, paid for by you. Is there any backstory (eg you've got 5 kids or there is SEN involved) about why he 'can't cope' with his own children? Is he involved when he is with them or sits on his phone and ignores them? It's so entitled to think he can just do what he wants while you facilitate it (practically and financially)

Is he like this in other areas (entitled and expecting much more from you than he would ever give)?

I think this would wind me up more than the job thing. I know a few people who feel stuck in their careers and moan about them a lot but think their career defines them in a way and they cant seem to overcome the inertia about leaving

@Maray1967 would you be saying this if the roles were reversed?

I'm not saying OP's DH is blameless here, but if there was a post that said 'DH earns high salary but keeps it all for himself and says I have to pay pot of my small salary' then he would be given short shrift.

All the teachers I know at the moment are on their knees.

Do the children want to be in childcare over the holidays?
he sounds like he’s checked out of the family

Do you still respect him? He sounds incredibly entitled and selfish.

Can't be arsed looking after his own kids, what a loser.

He's not a waste of space is he as suggested by someone up thread. He works FT as a teacher! Why would someone even think that? I'm not always a massive fan of teachers but they certainly do a great job on the whole for a thankless public.

But you sort of lost me OP when you were suggesting career changes as if your DH could resign from teaching one day and then start work the next as a doctor/lawyer/engineer/flip houses.

Does your DH also have a law degree and bar qualifications plus engineering degree plus medical degree to be able to do all these highly skilled and professional jobs at the drop of a hat?

Are you also quite sure you haven't had your head turned by one of your high earning city colleagues because there's nothing wrong with being a teacher and it's not even badly paid! You sound really dismissive and critical of your DH.

But yeah, he needs to be told to stop whining about his job and to look after his own kids in the holidays.

Although saying that, there's nothing wrong with putting kids in a holiday club or daily activity for a few hours each day during summer holidays in order to break up the day and provide structure and interest. Otherwise what are they going to do? Anything out the house/ days out costs even more money and being stuck at home isn't that much fun either.

I get the impression he wants you to say leave teaching and I’ll cover the costs. That’s what it’s boiling down to. He is whinging and whining because he thinks that’s what will get him what he wants (does it normally?). Sadly he is going to have to do something about it himself or put up and shut up, if he wants the life of a retired CEO without the work then someone has to burst his bubble.

@THisbackwithavengeance . You seem to be confusing different things. Him working FT as a teacher has very little bearing on whether he is a waste of space as a partner and a parent.

Many useless partners/parents also work full-time. Often it's their excuse for their uselessness in other areas of their lives - "But I WORK. I can't also be expected to do chores and care for my children."

Please tell me he doesn’t drive a jag or go skiing. How is he planning to pay for child care and house renovation? Are you expecting to wfh during these renovations?

Now that you earn so much he clearly has no motivation to do anything.

If you step in and save him all of the time, financially with cars, holidays and childcare costs and with looking after the DC’s, when they are poorly, when he’s working late or in the holidays he’s going to carry on the way he is.

It’s an easier habit to fall into than get out of. Maybe this the final straw for you, it’s frustrating but he has to stop dithering.

OP,

He is a lazy selfish avoidant parent who has you EXACTLY where he wants you.

Earning the money AND doing childcare.

I'd call that controlling and abusive.

I suggest you have a long hard think about the reality of this situation.

You are a workhorse.

He could care less about you, the children, and your health.

Sell the car.
Stop the holidays.
Get legal advice.
Look at trading down.
Lodge your salary in YOUR account.

Will your employer put up with this longterm?

I'd be surprised if they did.

You sound bullied, used and abused.

I think you need to find yourself a therapist to find out why you are accepting this treatment.

He is living off you and contributes little to the children.

I would expect him to be unfaithful at some point, such is his selfishness and lack of care of you snd family loyalty.

This is not normal.

So wake up to it and protect yourself.

I'm so sorry if the above is harsh, but if you were my daughter, this is what I would be telling you.

He absolutely doesn't have your back.

I wouldn’t be happy either. You used your get up and go to get your well paid job and have to listen to constant whinging about his job in which he does nothing to change the situation. A pp was right-it has to come from him. Or he accepts he is a teacher and makes a career out of it. The childcare stuff is mad though. Could you suggest that you each have some free time without children-as I read it, he still wants you to do childcare on your days off but he doesn’t want to on his? Very selfish and inconsiderate. Say no to that one and let him sort out his own career.

Have you told him to do something about it or to stop complaining?

he doesn’t get to constantly mean but take no responsibility.

tell him you’ll support him if he wants to change careers but until he comes to you with a plan, you don’t want to hear him whinging

If he wants the kids in private school then he should get a teaching job at the private school he wants them to attend and their places will be really subsidised.

What a dick. All fur coat and no knickers..

I find men who avoid responsibility uttering unattractive. How can you bear to be around him? How can he convince you that not looking after his own children in the holidays is acceptable? How entitled

OP your husband sounds like a bum

Teaching isn't notoriously low paid

Looks like he doesn’t need to look for a new career as you now make the money that helps get the lifestyle he wants?

I know in my head I'd said "notoriously". It's not badly paid at all in my view, but there is a lot of coverage of people who think it is. No ine goes into teaching thinking they're going to have jags and private schools (unless theyre the head of a secondary when six figures is quite possible) is what I meant and the salary scales are hardly secret