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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off that DH is doing this?!

126 replies

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 15:48

DH and I used to both be teachers. We realised we couldn’t live the lifestyle we wanted with us both teaching and we looked for other roles. I got a job in the City working longer hours with more stress that now pays 3x DH’s teaching salary. He mentions almost daily that he wants to leave teaching - he did one application (which I actually wrote) for another role. He secured that job but then (when he calculated in the additional costs of commuting and the additional 8 weeks per year of childcare for two DCs) he realised we’d only be marginally better off and he turned down the job offer.

DH and I have had a million discussions about what he wants to do career-wise and all I hear back is that he doesn’t know but he doesn’t want to be a teacher. I have suggested everything I can think of - doctor, lawyer, banker, engineer, personal trainer, flipping houses, consultancy, private tutor… nothing sticks. We look into, make financial plans to let him to a medicine degree or look at the opportunities available at KPMG or EY and then be just changed his mind and we’re back to square one again. He’s not progressed at all in teaching because he keeps saying he’ll be leaving so he doesn’t apply for TLRs.

Recently, we had a disaster with our childcare allocation which meant that we lost our childcare provision for three months. I WFH so I had DCs at home with me whilst working full-time too (my employer was aware and understood that it wasn’t my fault). DH couldn’t work and do childcare because obviously being a teacher he can’t WFH at all so he just worked as normal throughout that.

He’s now decided that he can’t cope with looking after DC’s in the holidays and wants them to stay in childcare for the days when he’s on holiday and I’m not on holiday! So, he’s turned down a job because of the “savings in childcare costs” we get from him teaching but then there are no bloody savings because he wants them in childcare anyway.

I’m pissed off.

OP posts:
SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 30/03/2023 16:24

I'd be saying absolutely not! He has time off in the school holidays, so he needs to be looking after his own children then.

KeepSmiling89 · 30/03/2023 16:29

He’s now decided that he can’t cope with looking after DC’s in the holidays and wants them to stay in childcare for the days when he’s on holiday and I’m not on holiday!

Why on earth did he agree to have children if he felt he couldn't cope with looking after them during the holidays?? I work in the NHS and I can't wait to spend time with my DD whenever I have annual leave!

Original poster
YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:37

I told him I’m pissed off and he hung up on me.

OP posts:
SageHoney · 30/03/2023 16:39

Do you have a household budget? Outsourcing childcare when there's a parent free to do it is a luxury; the money paid out to a provider has to come from somewhere. And it's a short logical leap from that to: more money for luxuries requires a reduction of other fixed costs and/or more money incoming.

Turning down the specific job he was offered may have been the right decision. It's unusual that he even got an interview and an offer at the very first place he applied! Most people send dozens or hundreds of inquiries, applications, CVs etc and have periods of NO substantive movement. But how many opportunities, potential employers, connections, recruiters, etc. has he proactively contacted since he turned that one job down?

If he genuinely wants to change careers, he needs a realistic idea of what to expect. It may be that the first job in a new field doesn't pay more, but offers a clear path that will. On the other hand, he does need to be wary of people taking advantage, unacceptable risks, and promises that won't ever really be met. Job searching really is full-time work; is he treating it that way? From your description, he sounds like more of a dilattante.

Or he's terrified that he'll make a wrong move. But he can't be paralysed by that. If he did leave teaching and the new path didn't work out, he could go back to teaching or switch careers again. And what's wrong with working his way up the teaching laddder while he waits? More and different experiences within teaching might position him better for an eventual move. The main argument against it is if it would take vital time away from his job search, but that only works if he's actually putting a lot of time into searching, which it sounds like he's not.

PretzelBite · 30/03/2023 16:41

Off topic but what do you do now that earns you 3x a teacher’s salary!

Waydown · 30/03/2023 16:42

Bottom line is you're not going to change him, you can only decide if you'll put up with it.

It does seem strange that two people apparently motivated so highly by money ended up in a profession so notoriously low paid.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/03/2023 16:44

He wants to go skiing and drive a jag? Wtaf? On your salary too.

The one plus of his job is that it means he gets the holidays off and can do childcare - he needs to be doing this. Not having the holidays off all to himself, whilst you pay for the childcare. But apparently it’s fine for you to do childcare at the same time as working, whilst not fine for him to do it even when he’s off work??

I also bet he wouldn’t renovate the house at all.

Original poster
YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:46

@SageHoney

Turning down the specific job he was offered may have been the right decision. It's unusual that he even got an interview and an offer at the very first place he applied! Most people send dozens or hundreds of inquiries, applications, CVs etc and have periods of NO substantive movement. But how many opportunities, potential employers, connections, recruiters, etc. has he proactively contacted since he turned that one job down?

He was exceptionally over-qualified for the role, which is why he got the job. He’s pretty much point-blank refusing to apply for anything he’s not guaranteed to get, which is why he ended up going into teaching in the first place.

He’s not applied for a single job since. He’s attended no networking events or spoken to any contacts - nothing.

OP posts:
alyceflowers · 30/03/2023 16:47

I was going to say - maybe you just need to accept he is going to be the lower earner out of the two of you and he's going to stick with teaching rather than suddenly find the motivation to become a banker/lawyer/doctor.

However, being the one with 13 weeks holiday does mean he needs to step up with childcare!

I'd book the kids into a week or holiday childcare or a few holiday clubs so he gets a break but not for the whole holiday.

Original poster
YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:47

Waydown · 30/03/2023 16:42

Bottom line is you're not going to change him, you can only decide if you'll put up with it.

It does seem strange that two people apparently motivated so highly by money ended up in a profession so notoriously low paid.

We both taught/teach high demand subjects so for training to teach we got about £45,000 each tax free from the bursaries, student funding and grants - that’s a lot higher than any other graduate entry role I know of.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:49

alyceflowers · 30/03/2023 16:47

I was going to say - maybe you just need to accept he is going to be the lower earner out of the two of you and he's going to stick with teaching rather than suddenly find the motivation to become a banker/lawyer/doctor.

However, being the one with 13 weeks holiday does mean he needs to step up with childcare!

I'd book the kids into a week or holiday childcare or a few holiday clubs so he gets a break but not for the whole holiday.

If he actually wanted to be a teacher then I’d be fine with that but I’m sick to death of him saying he doesn’t want to teach, spending hours researching career paths he never follows, him refusing to progress his teaching career because he wants to leave and feeling like I’m the one who has all of the pressure on me to facilitate everything.

OP posts:
alyceflowers · 30/03/2023 16:50

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:06

I’m honestly just so annoyed right now. What the hell?! This week in particular has been a shit show (his school is doing a school musical so he’s been helping with that (for free of course because it’s teaching) so he’s not been home until 10pm every night. Last week, DD was ill and missed three days of nursery that I had to cover because schools are unbelievably difficult about parents/teachers covering their own DC’s sickness childcare. I’ve been working through all that and doing everything with the DCs and it just feels like he’s just shirking off as much as he can and has no intention of being any better.

He needs to do 50% of the child sickness too, irrelevant if his school are difficult about it.

LovelyDayz · 30/03/2023 16:52

Fuck that shit. Why the hell are you putting up with any of this? He sounds like a child, I hope he's not teaching at any schools near me.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 30/03/2023 16:52

If be telling him that we don't have the money to restore the house if we've got to pay for extra childcare. So he either gets a better paying job, then he can choose to restore the house in his 5 week holiday he gets, OR he looks after his own children during his 13 weeks of holiday

alyceflowers · 30/03/2023 16:54

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:49

If he actually wanted to be a teacher then I’d be fine with that but I’m sick to death of him saying he doesn’t want to teach, spending hours researching career paths he never follows, him refusing to progress his teaching career because he wants to leave and feeling like I’m the one who has all of the pressure on me to facilitate everything.

Show quote history

Tell him you don't want to hear moaning about his job.

He clearly does prefer to stay in teaching, at his current level, rather than progress or change jobs - even if he doesn't say that.

Do you enjoy your job? If you do then continue enjoying it, but make clear to him that he needs to do his share at home to facilitate you working and earning as you do.

Phineyj · 30/03/2023 16:56

I'm a teacher. Of course teachers can and do have time off when their kids are sick. Are you sure he actually even asks?

I do sometimes use childcare in the school holidays (sometimes for a break but often because I've got marking to do). But I arrange it, not DH. Obviously.

Just step right back and stop paying for holidays you don't want and cars you don't drive.

Heronwatcher · 30/03/2023 16:58

Erm I think with regard to the holiday childcare the answer is that that’s absolutely fine as long as he pays for it- by getting an evening or weekend job in the meantime. Otherwise he “renovates” with the kids around just like everyone else. In terms of the rest of it I think you might need to get tough and stop helping him, but also if you’re not happy in your own work take a step back and change your lifestyle down a bit- that’s a choice for you. He does sound useless but it also sounds like life is a bit too comfortable for him to be arsed to do anything at the moment.

QueenBee1234 · 30/03/2023 16:58

Do not book any child care for the holidays! I'd bet my last 10p he won't know where to start getting them booked in somewhere.
Lazy sod, I'd be telling him to get his finger out of his arse.....and next time he mentions skiing or a jag laugh bloody hard in his face!

Goldbar · 30/03/2023 17:04

I would tell him that if you're earning 75% of the money (but he's the one spending it!) and you're also doing or paying for 80% of the wraparound childcare, he's beginning to look like a very expensive and unrewarding hobby that you can't afford.

NBLarsen · 30/03/2023 17:44

He is unreasonable to have the kids in childcare for the school holidays when he is off work and available to care for them and enjoy being with them.
However, you sound like you are harassing him about his career and piling on the stress. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do for an alternative job and you are on at him to apply for things that he presumably knows are not suitable.
You mention right at the beginning of your post that you now earn 3x his salary, that says a lot about how you see him.

Singularity82 · 30/03/2023 17:47

Absolutely no fucking chance in hell would I be paying for childcare for 6 weeks while he sits in his arse. Lazy sod!

Original poster
YoTeach · 30/03/2023 18:15

NBLarsen · 30/03/2023 17:44

He is unreasonable to have the kids in childcare for the school holidays when he is off work and available to care for them and enjoy being with them.
However, you sound like you are harassing him about his career and piling on the stress. He says he doesn't know what he wants to do for an alternative job and you are on at him to apply for things that he presumably knows are not suitable.
You mention right at the beginning of your post that you now earn 3x his salary, that says a lot about how you see him.

He’s not happy doing any job at all. People don’t get to just do nothing. I mentioned the salary because it’s directly relevant.

OP posts:
Waydown · 30/03/2023 18:32

If it's just him who wants the fancy lifestyle why are you buying it?

Allblackeverythingalways · 30/03/2023 19:04

Urgh.
Very unattractive. If you're paying for childcare all summer you might as well do everything yourself and tell him to piss off and find somewhere else to live

piedbeauty · 30/03/2023 21:15

Goldbar · 30/03/2023 17:04

I would tell him that if you're earning 75% of the money (but he's the one spending it!) and you're also doing or paying for 80% of the wraparound childcare, he's beginning to look like a very expensive and unrewarding hobby that you can't afford.

Yes! 👏👏