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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off that DH is doing this?!

126 replies

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 15:48

DH and I used to both be teachers. We realised we couldn’t live the lifestyle we wanted with us both teaching and we looked for other roles. I got a job in the City working longer hours with more stress that now pays 3x DH’s teaching salary. He mentions almost daily that he wants to leave teaching - he did one application (which I actually wrote) for another role. He secured that job but then (when he calculated in the additional costs of commuting and the additional 8 weeks per year of childcare for two DCs) he realised we’d only be marginally better off and he turned down the job offer.

DH and I have had a million discussions about what he wants to do career-wise and all I hear back is that he doesn’t know but he doesn’t want to be a teacher. I have suggested everything I can think of - doctor, lawyer, banker, engineer, personal trainer, flipping houses, consultancy, private tutor… nothing sticks. We look into, make financial plans to let him to a medicine degree or look at the opportunities available at KPMG or EY and then be just changed his mind and we’re back to square one again. He’s not progressed at all in teaching because he keeps saying he’ll be leaving so he doesn’t apply for TLRs.

Recently, we had a disaster with our childcare allocation which meant that we lost our childcare provision for three months. I WFH so I had DCs at home with me whilst working full-time too (my employer was aware and understood that it wasn’t my fault). DH couldn’t work and do childcare because obviously being a teacher he can’t WFH at all so he just worked as normal throughout that.

He’s now decided that he can’t cope with looking after DC’s in the holidays and wants them to stay in childcare for the days when he’s on holiday and I’m not on holiday! So, he’s turned down a job because of the “savings in childcare costs” we get from him teaching but then there are no bloody savings because he wants them in childcare anyway.

I’m pissed off.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 01/04/2023 00:58

fruitstick · 31/03/2023 08:36

@Maray1967 would you be saying this if the roles were reversed?

I'm not saying OP's DH is blameless here, but if there was a post that said 'DH earns high salary but keeps it all for himself and says I have to pay pot of my small salary' then he would be given short shrift.

All the teachers I know at the moment are on their knees.

He’s a teacher. He’s not on a small salary.
He has decided to do nothing but moan - and spend merrily on expensive things. I don’t expect my DH to fund things I want.

fruitstick · 01/04/2023 09:17

I understand the moaning. I have a DH a bit like this and it's frustrating.

But if he is on £45k and they have a family income of £180k, or even £120k, then I don't get the pressure for him to earn more or see why they shouldn't be going skiing or have a nice car.

Every other thread on here talks about 'family money' but surely that has to cut both ways.

It sounds more like OP feels DH isn't good enough for her.

NannaKaren · 01/04/2023 18:36

He needs to pull up his big boy pants and do holiday childcare ffs!

likethislikethat · 01/04/2023 18:58

I'm a guy but I say to cut off his supply of money and tell him to man up and either get on with teaching or get another proper job ASAP.

I'm a single father to a teenage child who runs a 7 figure business I've built from scratch and I have around 20 employees.

I have the house, the shopping, the laundry, childcare, all the teenage taxi jobs, all the admin and I have no childcare, no help, we have no family and if I don't do it then it doesn't get done.

Share out the chores and be done with it. Then go book yourself a girlie weekend away and leave him with the kids :)

Missingpop · 01/04/2023 19:03

Sorry but he sounds a right selfish fucking idiot; he gets umpteen weeks holiday a year & he can’t care for his own kids; fucking snowflake; you need to have an ultimatum conversation it’s ok you working like a mad woman but your allowing him to be weak minded: your supporting his whimsical thoughts; you need to be more assertive & tell him to man up & pull his weight😁

pointeral · 01/04/2023 19:04

Maybe going against the grain here but I do empathise a bit with your husband. I’m a teacher and want to change careers (I have a physics degree from a top uni so doesn’t seem impossible) but feel really trapped because of the benefits of not paying for childcare in the holidays, the fact that teaching is not well respected and despite having lots of transferable skills, few of them are recognised so it feels like you lose more than you gain, etc. although I’m more than happy to put the work in to get there.

What job do you do? It sounds like your husband is feeling a bit burnt out from his job (along with the rest of the profession) and a bit insecure about trying and failing but also about how you seem to have sailed and have done what he is too afraid to. I don’t think him wanting the children in childcare full time in the holidays is okay and maybe he is just being lazy but it sounds like there’s more going on here than he is vocalising.

One of the reasons I feel I can’t leave teaching is because my husband works full time in the city and it pays for everything, and I just work as a cherry on top. I’m very dissatisfied in my job and would love a really rewarding career (I’m not cut out to be a SAHM) but my part-time teaching job enables my husband in his career and the cost of me going full time, all year would mean the children taking a hit (as well as our relationship as I do so much home admin). I do sometimes resent this though and that my contribution (which is very thankless - tantrums/not being the “exciting” parent through scarcity - vs a salary which is a very concrete and tangible measure) gets overlooked (and I have lots of teacher colleagues who get childcare for part of the holidays as they find term-time so stressful). Didn’t meant to write an essay but wanted to post a different point of view! Hope you manage to get to the bottom of things and resolve them x

Solonge · 01/04/2023 19:12

Sorry...but you have an extra child, your husband! He needs to grow up and stop dicking around. He isnt a sixteen year old trying to make career choices. He seems to be looking for the easiest option, the one that means less work for him.

T1Dmama · 01/04/2023 19:20

I would tell him exactly that! Tell him he turned down a job to have the kids so he’s bloody well having them unless he can private tutor in the holidays to cover the childcare costs!

KTheGrey · 01/04/2023 19:22

He is having a bubble mate. He should do the child care in the holidays because they are his children and it is his family. He earns less but has more holiday - so he can see his kids grow up.

Why does he feel ok about refusing to contribute fairly? You earn more and then have to pay for him to not do childcare? Selfish man does crap parenting.

Tell him he doesn't need to renovate cos he'll be moving out soon enough if he doesn't start pulling his weight.

Mumof3confused · 01/04/2023 19:31

YoTeach · 30/03/2023 16:10

Nope. Absolutely not the case. He wanted the private schools, he wants to drive a jag, he wanted ski holidays. I can’t even drive and I hate skiing. I’m not complaining, I like my life and I’m glad I have it but this was his push and I feel like he just expects me to fund the lifestyle he wants while he sits back and coasts.

Show quote history

I have to say, my lecturer ex was exactly like this. He was SO lazy!! I also WFH (own business) and ended up doing just as much childcare as him during the holidays and I worked my socks off ALL year round. There was no end to his moaning about how hard it was for him to look after the kids - and he barely even did any childcare! He doesn’t even work that much during term time - on full time pay but works 3.5 days pw! I divorced him and he’s now so resentful that his meal ticket has walked away! Sorry no advice just sympathies.

Thelittlekingdom · 01/04/2023 19:38

He sounds really lazy. A lot of teachers are fed up and burnt out. If he’s that bothered, if he needs to find a new job. Fair enough if he doesn’t wants to continue teaching but he needs to do some parenting over the holidays. I work term time only for this reason and we’ve got kids with special needs who can’t go into childcare so it’s all on me.

Fluffmum · 01/04/2023 19:55

So what’s he doing in the hols if he hasn’t got your children? I think he’s loosing the plot. He sounds a mare

cruisebaba1 · 01/04/2023 19:58

KeepSmiling89 · 30/03/2023 16:29

He’s now decided that he can’t cope with looking after DC’s in the holidays and wants them to stay in childcare for the days when he’s on holiday and I’m not on holiday!

Why on earth did he agree to have children if he felt he couldn't cope with looking after them during the holidays?? I work in the NHS and I can't wait to spend time with my DD whenever I have annual leave!

Exactly this, sounds like he doesn’t want to spend time with his own kids.

Blueskies4 · 01/04/2023 20:06

It sounds as though he’s just massively in his comfort zone - speaking about making changes/having dreams is of course much easier than doing it. You acted on it and now have massively upped the household income, probably to a point that he doesn’t necessarily need to earn any/much more for you to have a lovely lifestyle and he’s taken advantage of that.

It’s a toughy because I genuinely don’t think you can change people (doesn’t sound like you mind him teaching?!) but you can push for better boundaries and balance. And he’s definitely taking the piss with the childcare IMO. It sounds like he’s relaxed into being a kept man so much that he’s just started making unreasonable demands, probably assuming you’ll just meet them.

I’d crack the whip on the childcare and make sure it’s clear things needs to be 50/50 (not necessarily earnings wise) otherwise it’s not a healthy relationship dynamic and will erode things longer term. Good luck x

IAmTheWalrus85 · 01/04/2023 20:18

So basically he wants to keep his nice long holidays but have more money to spend during them. And he doesn’t want to use the holidays to do childcare because that would be a waste.

angela99999 · 01/04/2023 20:20

billyt · 30/03/2023 15:52

I assume he'll be getting a part time jobs for the holidays, then? Grin

I'd vote for full time myself. Lazy f-ker

Sparks240v · 01/04/2023 21:11

Home Under The Hammer won't watch it's self yer know!
Seriously, I have had multiple conversations with people that are going to do what I did (retrain and start a business) The ones who are least likely to do it are not the poor (poor of cash, education or opportunity) The ones least likely, IMH, are the comfortable; too nervous of the unknown. He needs to appreciate the current comfort or do something about it. Possible that your success un-nerves him but he needs to get over that or risk loosing even more.

Gemcat1 · 01/04/2023 22:07

There are jobs which aren't teaching in a school but you need to be a teacher to do them. https://uk.indeed.com/career-advice/finding-a-job/jobs-after-teaching Not on the list is a educational psychologist but DH would need a degree in psychology. A friend of mine trained to be a teacher but her qualifications made her too expensive to get a job teaching and she ended up teaching doctors how to use IT. She went on from there to other senior positions. Local authority education department? Using the teaching degree as a qualification and going into the civil service maybe even Ofsted or the equivalent for private schools? To be honest DH sounds like an insecure wet blanket and perhaps should try a self assertion classes. His attitude towards your children, and they are as much his responsibility as yours, sucks. DH needs to grow up.

Purplecatshopaholic · 01/04/2023 22:15

Oh great. Another selfish man who wants his partner to do it all..!

jay55 · 01/04/2023 22:49

He'll be shagging someone from work during the day in the holidays.

I mean he can teach a class of 30 but can't cope with having fun with his own kids in the holidays. It doesn't hold up.

Galectable · 02/04/2023 01:15

I hear your stress. It's no way to live. Tell him you need to schedule a conversation about the work dynamics and your dissatisfaction. Give him an ultimatum - either he pulls up his socks or you separate. You can't live like this until your DC are all grown up. Good luck!

Twinkle6 · 02/04/2023 02:28

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

mackthepony · 02/04/2023 02:38

He sounds like a freeloader

jemimapuddlepluck · 02/04/2023 06:39

I think its time to put your foot down OP. He has taken advantage of your need to please him for too long. He needs to have the children during the holidays. You have a say, dont be a doormat.

toxic44 · 02/04/2023 08:35

It sounds as if he's overwhelmed by his situation and hasn't the mental energy to change it. Anxiety, depression? Feeling trapped can beat anyone down and it's exhausting for the partner who is pulling the cart. Saying he'll renovate the house is vapour ware. He'll buy the materials and they'll sit in the shed until Kingdom come. How do you suppose I know this? Although he might not get any help, ask him to see his GP about his mental health.

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