DH thinks I only love him for money

[namechanged4thiss]

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

No doubt he'd move in with his parents and carry on living off them. Again.

He;s workshy, lazy, selfish, manipulative, gas lighting you. He'll still be the same long after he's drained you and his parents dry.

I wouldn’t have my life coached by someone with a whingeing sponge mindset

He’s taking the mick and has become a SAHD by default. Sorry but I wouldn’t have that trick played on me and stay.

I would agree with this.

His tactic of making you feel bad for concerning yourself with finances is bs. How else does he propose to ensure any sort of stability? The nice bits of life happen when that bit is in place, his choice to destabilise that is forcing you into a position where you have to consider everything from a financial pov.

Have you shown him a budget breakdown of what the household finances will look like come September? I’d include a plan of what will be happening should everything stay the same, what you’ll likely get for your house and accommodation that you could afford on your salary alone etc. he needs a dose of reality and, more to the point, why should you be the only one worrying about it?

OP my ex husband did something similar to this except in his case he didn’t want to be a life coach, it was trades.

But like your OH he nagged me for months to support him while he “started his own business” but without a business plan or indeed a single prospective customer. He expected me to gift him £5,000 to get this off the ground and then kicked off when I said no. We separated shortly afterwards, and this was the best thing I have ever done.

He is projecting and gaslighting you. In no reasonable universe is a person under any obligation to bankroll their spouse indefinitely while they piss about enjoying themselves and buy themselves toys.

See this for what it is and stop letting him bully you and trying to twist your perspective of what is basically financial abuse. You need to divorce him.

If he pulled his finger out and makes the business work I wouldn't necessarily be thinking about divorce.

So you need a deadline in your mind for when you will assess if the business is 'working'. How long are you prepared to give it?

He may have a trickle of money coming in by September to mitigate the immediate crisis, but it could be several years of hard work before he is in a position to pay his fair share of household and family costs.

You also need to be able to assess the business - i.e. you need to have access to the business 'books' and to see the business bank statements. Has he opened a separate current account for the business? Has he got an accounting app on his phone or computer? Has he actually 'started trading' and informed HMRC?

It might be worth both you and him together going on a short course about starting a business and doing accounts.

Don't let the situation drift, and don't let him leave you in the dark about the true picture.

It's so hard to make money doing this kind of work.

Many of the successful coaches have already got a serious background in business, so have transferable skills and networks of contacts.

Even psychotherapy, which generally involves much greater training is very difficult to make decent money from as there is so much competition for clients and a lot of costs, from marketing, insurance, supervision, accountancy, IT etc.

In fact, both of these professions are to some extent pyramid selling schemes as the people who came in in the ground floor that put on training courses, mentor newly qualified entrants, own rooms that they rent out to other therapists etc tend to be the only ones making money. Many people do it as a second job or to supplement pensions.

I seriously wouldn't rely on him to contribute to the family budget at all for a couple of years at least and it doesn't sound like this is sustainable for you as a family. If he was also working part time then it would be okay but it really sounds like a hobby job.

He's training to be a life coach

Oh dear oh dear

Get rid he’s going to get worse with age

how he would work would be that he would have to claim Universal credit. Depending upon how much money the loan is, and how much he has left, he may not get anything and will have to live off the loan money until its down to about £6K I believe.

For him to be self employed on UC they are going to want to see a fully worked out business plan, and although they recognise that some businesses take some time to get off the ground, they wont support if they think its a pipe dream / hobby job or MLM. They will expect you to be earning the equivilent of minimum wage for 35 hrs a week by the end of a year, or they will then expect you to get a job. If they think that the self employment is any of the things mentioned above, they will expect you to get a job, and want to see proof that you are applying, or they will sanction you.

he better get used to accounting for himself.

You meanwhile seem to be under the impression that there is a chance that he might bring the money in. But sorry to break your illusion, he wont. He has nothing to stand him out from the crowd, to be the kind of person that anyone is going to go to - why would they? Does he demonstrate a fabulous lifestyle (apart from faking it til you're making it insta posts?) has he run a successful business? Or do you think he thinks he will look so buff all the men in the gym will be running to him for advice as to how he did it? Has he made a killing on the stockmarket? Has he successfully raised a bunch of confident successful kids? whats his angle? the thing thats putting him head and shoulders about every other Life Coach out there?

The 'scarcity mindset' comment had my scam-MLM hackles right up. Proper cult speak. And properly designed to disregard any people who have any sensible questions when it comes to investing in such a risky business, indeed putting your family in debt to follow it. Id have thought that the Life Coach crest had broken by now - its something from a few years back. We are in austerity / cost of living 2.0 now. people are watching the pennies, not investing in Life coaching from, frankly, nobodies.

Given he isnt working the 24/7 he should be for a business start up, perhaps he could work and do this in his spare time. In his weekends/holidays.

Its easy to not care about money when you're having fun and not caring about the bills

His attempt to redefine the issue into you only loving him for money or only caring about money is classic gaslighting. He's having a great time barely working on a business while he spends money he doesn't have, and he doesn't want his gravy train to end. That is the proper definition of the real issue, which has nothing to do with your attitude toward money.

His business will fail. You don't get a business up and running while indulging in long lunches and saunas. Were I you I would think long and hard about whether you want to support a cocklodger, because that's what he is fast becoming.

I had something extremely similar happen to me and I was patient for a while but it became clear my partner was enjoying not really working & the longer it went on the worse it got. I think you have every right to be annoyed

Gosh he will run you into the ground and put a huge strain on your relationship to say the least, seems to me your husband needs some financial advice, if he doesn’t accept that? Might even need some marriage counselling too at this rate
Failing that In my opinion, you want to think about your position, potential and future security with this man ..

Tell him you don't only care about money but you can't support your family on motivational speeches and fresh air.

If you decide to stay for a while and see how it works out, I advise you to make a very careful daily note of how much childcare he does.

Otherwise, if you divorce him he could claim that he is the main carer for your children and ask the courts to have them the majority of the time so you have to pay him child maintenance. Then he will leave them with his parents.

Oh you're so fucked. He's not thought any of this through, and is just hoping it'll magically all work out. He either needs to sit down and make a plan, stick to a work schedule and put the effort in, or you need to get legal advice on where you stand with regards to divorce.

And, at the risk of being brutal, what he lives on and where, if you divorce him, is really not your problem. It's his. Let him deal with it.

It sounds like he needs a massive reality check.

I would immediate change financial arrangement from him accessing all your salary to setting up a joint account where you both pay the same/ agreed amount into it to cover mortgage/rent, food, bills, child costs - then the rest of your earned money is into your own personal accounts for you to do with what you choose. So you can start saving!! Then if you choose to separate you have a fund of your own earned money.

OP, a good friend of mine did the same thing, though she didn't have the same responsibilities. She did lots of courses, took part in events in LA, loads of glamorous media photos. She later had to move home, back in with her parents, bankrupt. There is a reason that courses to become life coaches is so expensive, it's because running them is the only way that life coaches make money!

Think about it. If you were rich enough to pay for a life coach, would you need the services of a life coach, someone who is less successful than you already are?

So where's the market?

Fwiw my friend wasnt unskilled or particularly naïve, she had her own successful marketing business, after working in marketing for major businesses for a decade. So she had a SM presence, a professional network to draw on and all the credentials for marketing a product and brand. She got an occasional client for a very discounted introductory offer and that was it.

Is there anyone your DH listens to who would speak to him about his 'plan'? I wonder whether hearing more than one dissenting voice might help here. Bear in mind if he's following people online about life coaching, he'll be overwhelmed with messages about affirmations, positive mindsets, and how much money can be made... because they will all be from people wanting to make money off HIM (by charging for their services/'knowledge')

Life coaching is the essential oils and raspberry ketones business for men.

He's just another MLM hun who thinks that the people who have flogged him this load of old shit are going to make him a millionaire.

I would not want life coaching from someone who can’t run his own life and who had to borrow to start the business.

Sound like a future ex

It's a shame you were part of this at all @namechanged4thiss - you are still paying (and more than paying!) your way. He is pissing around with his parents' money!! To make you liable for half of that would be so unjust!

Your DH says that your love is conditional on money. The only reply is that, at the moment, your love remains, but that it seems that your respect and admiration and desire is conditional on an equal partnership. And that the current set up doesn't feel equal to you.

Sounds to me that he only loves you for your money. You earned more than him as well. I think he planned to give up work and live off you. You need to get rid of him before you have kids.

I’d start divorce proceedings. It’ll be. Water for you and your kid.