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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I only love him for money

278 replies

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:28

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/03/2023 22:32

Op this is so bad. you are working to subsidise his life and that can only last to September and then the work you are doing still won't be enough and then you'll be getting in to debt.
How is that fair to you?

He's a cocklodger, freeloader and he's taking you for granted.

I think you should ask to see a business plan. After all, you are holding the fort and allowing him to go to the sauna! It's only fair you see an actual plan. That's how businesses work.

whynotwhatknot · 30/03/2023 23:03

did you personally sign the loan agreement

id get yor own bank account soon-they cant take what isnt there

ChristmasCakeAndGin · 30/03/2023 23:38

If you are liable for the loan, then assuming there is money left, take half of the original loan amount and put it in an account in your name so that you can pay your half back.
Why should he spend it all and your money too.
It would be different if he was ill, or looking after DC, but he's just having a gap year!

DelurkingLawyer · 30/03/2023 23:55

ChristmasCakeAndGin · 30/03/2023 23:38

If you are liable for the loan, then assuming there is money left, take half of the original loan amount and put it in an account in your name so that you can pay your half back.
Why should he spend it all and your money too.
It would be different if he was ill, or looking after DC, but he's just having a gap year!

I was thinking this. Depending on the terms you might both be liable for the full amount (so parents could pursue either one of you for all of it). At the least you should try to get your “half” into an account where he can’t get it.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/03/2023 01:14

Life coach??
He needs to sort his own life out!!
He is a leech and will drain you and drag you down with him
Start the divorce proceedings
He's a joke

Antiquiteas · 31/03/2023 06:19

A life coach. You are kidding me… 🤦‍♀️

With his laziness, entitlement and frankly, delusion, that is never going to work.

Clusterfucks cannot train to be someone else’s life coach.

Pansypotter123 · 31/03/2023 07:35

Again, depending on the terms, take your half of the "loan" and give it back to his parents now - and get a receipt. Then you can sort out the rest of this problem.

billy1966 · 31/03/2023 07:47

Antiquiteas · 31/03/2023 06:19

A life coach. You are kidding me… 🤦‍♀️

With his laziness, entitlement and frankly, delusion, that is never going to work.

Clusterfucks cannot train to be someone else’s life coach.

Absolutely this.

God love you OP.

A life coach 🙄.......the delusional vanity of it.

billy1966 · 31/03/2023 07:49

sjxoxo · 30/03/2023 22:11

This x100000

Show quote history

This.

Do it now.

Don't be dragged down by him.

Hankunamatata · 31/03/2023 08:29

He needs to get some form of paid employment while building his business

Maedan · 31/03/2023 08:29

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:43

See, this is what I was thinking but he's making me doubt myself. I've been thinking I'm a terrible person and I should just be more supportive...

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

The point of a divorce lovely is that he's no longer your problem. You need to take care of you and the kids, he's a big boy now.

Maedan · 31/03/2023 08:31

Personally I wouldn't be paying any money back to his parents for the late an. It wasn't given to you and you haven't benefited from it. In fact it's cost you more because he's used it for a business that's made no money so you've had to make up the shortfall. The loan is between him and his parents, let him sort it out, I wouldn't give them a bloody penny!

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 31/03/2023 08:38

He should maybe he his own life coach before he moves on to anyone else. Jesus. I'd be telling him to get an actual job or getting out of there! He sounds like a lazy sponger.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 31/03/2023 08:47

Get out now!

He can't sort his shit out, he wants to live as a kept man. The "business" is snake oil, how the fuck can he give people advice when he can't do it himself.

He will drain you financially, emotionally and suck your spirit away piece by piece whilst calling you a nag.

Leave!

Emotionalsupportviper · 31/03/2023 09:04

ChristmasCakeAndGin · 30/03/2023 23:38

If you are liable for the loan, then assuming there is money left, take half of the original loan amount and put it in an account in your name so that you can pay your half back.
Why should he spend it all and your money too.
It would be different if he was ill, or looking after DC, but he's just having a gap year!

I was also going to suggest this. In fact, i would suggest two bank accounts of your own.

A bank account of your own. Your pay goes into it. Add to this half the money from the joint account - in fact, add most of the joint money from the joint account (with a joint account you each have a right to all of it, if I understand correctly). Leave his half of the loan (or what's left of it) in .

your current joint account. See if you can cap his overdraft limit. (What he does with it is nothing to do with you.) Or take your name off the joint account you presently hold - that can be his.

Keep enough money in a joint account to pay household bills etc and for your husband to have some spending money - whatever YOU decide is reasonable for "pocket money". (In fact a third new account for household expenses might be better, but then we are getting very complicated) This will show you aren't being unreasonable about your joint finances.

A second bank account (savings) in your name. Into this put half of the loan money. Don't touch this. It is for you to pay back his parents in 10 years time. If he and they start whining that "it is for him to start his business", then tell them you need the loan agreement amended so that you aren't responsible for any of it.

Get your finances separated from his asap - and business and personal finances should be kept strictly separate anyway, for tax purposes apart from anything.

He's a lazy *rse and will bleed you dry if you aren't very careful.

maryberryslayers · 31/03/2023 09:04

😂 a life coach who sponges of his wife!!

I know a few 'life coaches' they all have husbands who earn enough to support the family.

You need to return what's left of the loan back to his parents. Transfer it to your sole account then back to them. That's your 'half' repaid. Then you leave him. He can live off his new business, or his parents, or thin air, it's not your problem.

Justforlaffs · 31/03/2023 09:29

Life coach? So he's basically paying a load of scam merchants to tell him how to change his life so he can then scam other people out of their money to tell them how to live their life?? Yeah, good luck with that!

Ironic considering how his own life is going at the moment ie. no job, no business plan, sponging off wife and parents!

He's delusional.

midlifecrash · 31/03/2023 09:44

He has an Underpants Gnome mindset.

You’re not his mum.

You have plans for your lives and family post September, he needs to have plans too.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 31/03/2023 12:11

Justforlaffs · 31/03/2023 09:29

Life coach? So he's basically paying a load of scam merchants to tell him how to change his life so he can then scam other people out of their money to tell them how to live their life?? Yeah, good luck with that!

Ironic considering how his own life is going at the moment ie. no job, no business plan, sponging off wife and parents!

He's delusional.

100%

Leave him op!

HumourReplacementTherapy · 31/03/2023 14:00

If there still 50% of the loan left, I'd withdraw it and send it back to them as your half now.
This isn't going to work.
He's not going to make a living as a life coach he's just looking for an easy way to turn a fast buck but he's got no chance.
If he went to see a life coach what does he think they'd say to him?
Erm 'don't pack in your job until you have fully explored viability and have business plan for starters'

Marchforward · 31/03/2023 14:02

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:43

See, this is what I was thinking but he's making me doubt myself. I've been thinking I'm a terrible person and I should just be more supportive...

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

By getting a job.

Marchforward · 31/03/2023 14:04

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 19:20

I was worried friends would recognise me in here. He's training to be a life coach

There is a loan agreement. The loan was paid into our joint account.

And who in a recession has money to pay for a life coach? Especially for one who is managing to fuck up his life.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 31/03/2023 14:09

Life coach? Who in the world has money for a life coach in this current climate?

I'd take the 50 percent left over and send it back to his parents and leave him. He won't succeed, it's a pipe dream especially not even putting in the work.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 31/03/2023 14:19

If I was your ‘life coach’ , I would tell you that the main thing wrong with your life is your partner.

Im not going to charge you for that, you can have it as a free sample.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/03/2023 14:35

Forgive me if this is a silly question, but what qualifications do you need to be a life coach? Is it a regulated industry?