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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH thinks I only love him for money

278 replies

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:28

I should start off with saying he doesn't have any f-ing money!

DH quit his job late last year because he wanted to start his own business (he previously earned around £36k). I wasn't best pleased about this but accepted he really wasn't happy so grudgingly agreed. He also has health issues so he found his previous desk job difficult, I accept this.

We have some money that his parents lent us. He is using this for his business and to cover household bills. At some point we will need to pay some of this back. They have said not for 10 years so it doesn't matter too much if this is all spent. We worked out we can live off it until around September, then shit hits the fan because I can't cover all costs on my salary alone.

We've argued today because I'm sick of him spending so much money and from my point of view not working hard enough on his business. Yesterday he dropped DS at nursery then went to the gym and worked out and had a sauna. Got home at 12. Then announced he was off to lunch with a friend. He probably did 2 hours of work max.

He has no concept of budgeting and spent £1k on an item he wanted but he says is for his business. This irritates me because I feel like I am sacrificing a lot, and he's not.
I have had a promotion recently (now earn £50k) and feel like I see no benefit because I need to make sure as much goes in the joint account as possible.

DH says my love for him is conditional on money. I say he's being an unrealistic twat. AIBU?

OP posts:
Flixon · 31/03/2023 14:38

Ktime · 30/03/2023 14:44

Dump him now before he can argue he is SAHP.

This. Be very careful. If he is a SAHP he can claim spousal support and may get more residence of your child (ren)

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2023 14:39

ReneBumsWombats · 31/03/2023 14:35

Forgive me if this is a silly question, but what qualifications do you need to be a life coach? Is it a regulated industry?

No, any idiot can claim to be one

CanadianJohn · 31/03/2023 14:45

I'm trying to be nice, which is difficult.

Even if DH has the skills to be a successful life coach, surely the client process goes something like this:

Client signs up, has a few sessions to get their life in order, and then doesn't need the coach any more. So, there has to be a continual stream of new clients. Even if each client yielded a net profit of 500 pounds to the coach, to make 50,000 a year the coach would need a couple of new clients every week.

Is DH achieving that, so far?

SavBlancTonight · 31/03/2023 14:45

Yeah, I have to say that without wanting to be mean, I have to question his smarts. This is NOT th time for life coaches. People are struggling just to make ends meet. It's not a market that is exactly booming right now.

Also, as others have pointed out, a life coach needs to have some credentials and success to point to otherwise why would you go to them? Mind blowing.

I'm sorry that your DH is being such a prat about this. My DH, while he was retraining fora new career, briefly took a job as a carer. It was awful, but hours were flexible so he could still do school runs/childcare etc AND could do the training he needed to do. Pity your DH doesn't have a similar mindset.

Hoppinggreen · 31/03/2023 14:52

CanadianJohn · 31/03/2023 14:45

I'm trying to be nice, which is difficult.

Even if DH has the skills to be a successful life coach, surely the client process goes something like this:

Client signs up, has a few sessions to get their life in order, and then doesn't need the coach any more. So, there has to be a continual stream of new clients. Even if each client yielded a net profit of 500 pounds to the coach, to make 50,000 a year the coach would need a couple of new clients every week.

Is DH achieving that, so far?

The Coaching isn’t difficult, it’s the getting clients in the first place.
Which I doubt this idiot can

Vegasfox · 31/03/2023 15:04

My ex was like this even though I earned £20k more than him, the minute he lost a job or wanted to mess about and do something that bought in little to no money or spend loads of money we didn’t have, it was always about the money and I only cared about money 🙄

he is an ex for more reasons than this but it was very boring to hear

Yespresh · 31/03/2023 17:56

Is your husband neurodiverse? He sounds like my son who has ADHD. No concept of money/time/planning/budgeting.

FlozzaR · 31/03/2023 18:02

He should put his family financial obligations before his own personal ambitions. You should make him get a part time job alongside his business so he can pay his way until that takes off

takealettermsjones · 31/03/2023 18:03

Rarar · 30/03/2023 14:48

DH says my love for him is conditional on money

I would come straight back with 'no, it's conditional on feeling I have an equal partner who does their best to contribute and puts their family first', because presumably that's what you signed up for. He knows fine well he is being selfish and self indulgent and of course he doesn't like being called out on it, which is exactly why you need to continue doing so OP.

He's easing into cocklodger territory by stealth and you need to keep shining a light on it until it's clear to him you won't stand for it. The risk is that you will end up feeling more like his 'mummy' than his wife and that will kill any attraction you ever felt for him stone dead.

This 100%.

As idealistic as "I love you no matter what" is, households and families can't run on thin air. They need money.

Both partners should expect to contribute, unless otherwise agreed by both.

He can't unilaterally decide that your family set up is that you pay for everything and he does half of bugger all.

Sage71 · 31/03/2023 18:07

Sorry they have lent you money for him to set up a business so how are you in debt for any of that? His business his loan seems pretty straightforward.

SpiralHecate · 31/03/2023 18:14

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 19:20

I was worried friends would recognise me in here. He's training to be a life coach

There is a loan agreement. The loan was paid into our joint account.

A life coach? Oh dear.
Sounds like he's having a midlife crisis, and it's time to consider downsizing.

Grrrrdarling · 31/03/2023 18:17

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:43

See, this is what I was thinking but he's making me doubt myself. I've been thinking I'm a terrible person and I should just be more supportive...

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

He is an adult so not completely incapable.
He would survive just like the rest of us do!
Personally I’d put money on him moving back in with his parents if your separate.

In this case I would explain the money situation to him, explain what he HAS to bring to the table so that the family can survive financially & prepare for the worst.
This is not about money it is about being responsible & you shouldn’t have to carry that task by yourself. Might as well be single if you are.
Cut back on everything you can, as a family, & save as much as you can personally for when you are in your own.
I’d be tempted to ask for a trial separation right now purely because he is being nothing but stress to the family & draining the family finances like you are loaded & can cover his ‘fun’.

rangagirl · 31/03/2023 18:18

I agree with YOU: he’s being an unrealistic twat!

Also… does this business actually exist? I know that working from home and running your own business can sometimes afford people more flexibility in their schedules… but it doesn’t sound like he’s working AT ALL!

Tell him you want to have a look at his business plan, the application to the relevant governing bodies (like industry permits for whatever he does), and the accounting. If any of those things don’t exist, then neither does the business! 😞

mandlerparr · 31/03/2023 18:19

If it does come to a divorce, don't let him pin that loan from the parents on you. That loan was not for the family, it was for his business. Start keeping track of all the purchases now, keep receipts, get his receipts as well. He should have all of them, since he is starting a business.
He needs to make a schedule. He needs to make a budget. New business do take an outlay of money to start. They also take time. Depending on what it is, he should be putting in 20-40 hours per week at the minimum. I have seen people do it at 20 hours per week, but they were also working another job at the time. So, they worked faster and harder.
Also, he does not need all the expensive classes most likely. Especially if what we are talking about are those "how to be an influencer" courses. Not only are most of them scams, the ones that are not scams don't really teach you anything you can't learn for free with a bit googling.
I would get his parents to put in writing that the money was for his business and that you are not responsible for paying it back if he doesn't put any effort into the business. He needs to log at least 20 hours a week of active working time. It doesn't have to be all at once.
My husband thinks this way as well, which is why I have never agreed to go into a business with him.

GoodChat · 31/03/2023 18:20

Yespresh · 31/03/2023 17:56

Is your husband neurodiverse? He sounds like my son who has ADHD. No concept of money/time/planning/budgeting.

No he just sounds like a lazy, selfish, entitled arse.

Rivtry2 · 31/03/2023 18:23

Is there anything good about him?

I agree he’s not being very considerate, but is this a divorce matter? Couldn’t he rectify this?

I just can’t believe how many people are saying… get a divorce, without even trying to sort something different.

niugboo · 31/03/2023 18:23

You aren’t liable to debt with his parents.

LaughingCat · 31/03/2023 18:23

Oh gaaaaaaaaawd. Life coach . Jesus. I have a reasonably expensive £1,500 qualification in nutrition coaching. I did it in my spare time. I saved up for it and paid for it myself. I stayed in my job even though I hated it and paid half the bills. I’m still in a job now, because we amazingly still have bills to pay. I am starting to pull together a business plan and will gain experience by taking on a couple of clients while I continue working. If, at some point in the future, it appears viable then I’ll consider reducing my hours to part time and taking on more clients. If there is appetite, my marketing strategy takes off and my business plan supports it, I’ll consider going full time.

Not everyone would do this, but I’m aware that working my job and growing the business at the same time may take 80-90 hours a week hard graft but will keep me feeling a bit secure. If I was to jack it all in and just do the coaching, I would expect to spend just as many hours as that but with less security.

In neither scenario could I see myself having the time for the gym or lunches with friends.

Your other half needs to grow up.

godmum56 · 31/03/2023 18:27

namechanged4thiss · 30/03/2023 14:43

See, this is what I was thinking but he's making me doubt myself. I've been thinking I'm a terrible person and I should just be more supportive...

I don't know how divorce would work. He has no income! How would he live?

why would you care?

DGay · 31/03/2023 18:28

KatherineJaneway · 30/03/2023 16:23

This has disaster written all over it. What is his target market? How will he attract customers? etc. All valid questions he should have the answer to if his business has any hope of succeeding.

To be honest he sounds rather lazy as well as rather foolish! Sorry OP.

Show quote history

I was thinking Sloth.🦥

Original poster
namechanged4thiss · 31/03/2023 18:31

Today he clarified that he didn't mean I only love him for money. What he meant was I only care about money Hmm

Not sure how this has become my life. I'm seriously considering options and thank you for all your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged4thiss · 31/03/2023 18:33

Rivtry2 · 31/03/2023 18:23

Is there anything good about him?

I agree he’s not being very considerate, but is this a divorce matter? Couldn’t he rectify this?

I just can’t believe how many people are saying… get a divorce, without even trying to sort something different.

This is a good point. He isn't all bad. But he does have a habit of putting himself first.

If he pulled his finger out and makes the business work I wouldn't necessarily be thinking about divorce.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 31/03/2023 18:36

namechanged4thiss · 31/03/2023 18:31

Today he clarified that he didn't mean I only love him for money. What he meant was I only care about money Hmm

Not sure how this has become my life. I'm seriously considering options and thank you for all your advice.

The reason he can afford not to "think about money" is because he has you and to a lesser extent, his parents, handing him cash to play with.

Rivtry2 · 31/03/2023 18:38

Maybe sit down and have a chat with him tonight. Explain how it’s making you feel and let him know you really need him to contribute more etc.

if he’s a good man but he’s being a bit selfish then he will do something to make you feel more secure.

There are worse men in the world and this doesn’t seem like a situation that needs to ruin you, if otherwise you love each other and are happy.

I hope you both manage to work it out and move on and be happy together.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/03/2023 18:39

namechanged4thiss · 31/03/2023 18:31

Today he clarified that he didn't mean I only love him for money. What he meant was I only care about money Hmm

Not sure how this has become my life. I'm seriously considering options and thank you for all your advice.

The person responsible for all the bills tends to care about money, yes.

Has he ever been self-sufficient? Usually the only people who go on about money not mattering are the ones who've never been without it or had to worry about it.