Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to not want them there at the funeral?

124 replies

pain1nthearse · 28/03/2023 10:04

So my mum passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. We were fortunate in that we were able to spend a week with her in the hospital saying good bye and my sister and I were with her right at the end which although was heartbreaking felt incredibly special.

For some extra context: I come from a large family (5 siblings) and I feel lucky that we all have each other as a support (everyone has been checking in most days / all pitching in with helping organise the funeral etc).

The funeral is in another couple of weeks and whilst chatting to my husband about the logistics of going (we live 2 hours away from siblings / mum) he mentioned that his parents have said they would like to go. I feel really uncomfortable about this for a few reasons. One, they barely knew my mum - had met her twice and one of those times was at our wedding. My mum was a pretty shy, introverted person who preferred the company of her family and a few friends. Despite their best efforts to try and build a relationship with her, she wasn't that interested. She wasn't rude or anything like that - just didn't invite them over or actively pursue a relationship (they live about a 45 min drive away). Secondly, I'm really struggling with the thought of the funeral - I know I will be in pieces and to be honest I don't want them witnessing my grieving - it feels so intensely private to me. The only other people I have invited (outside of family) are my 2 oldest friends who knew my mum really well and basically grew up in my house. Lastly, my MIL said in her text to my husband about wanting to come to the funeral because they also didn't get to go to my dads funeral?! He died 10 years ago and they had never even met him!! This has made me feel angry and resentful because it doesn't feel like their reasons for coming are genuine / about supporting me.

For further context I do actually like my in-laws (esp FIL) and we get on but my MIL has over-stepped in the past and can throw her toys out the pram if she doesn't get her own way. She cried and put the phone down on my husband because we asked them to wait a couple of weeks before coming to meet their second grandchild. They were still going to be the first family members to meet him but I'd had an awful time with my first son's birth and knew I'd need time to establish BF and just recovering. I know she will feel offended if we say we'd prefer they not come to the funeral but I feel really cross that I have to give this headspace at all. Ive felt fragile and weepy since it came up yesterday. My husband is more than happy to handle it all and leave me out of it but we have to see them this weekend for another event so he either needs to say it now or they will likely just ask me directly when we see them but relations may well be frosty after that. FIL will be fine about it, but MIL won't although this will just be shown in some passive aggressive way rather than directly.

Anyway AIBU for saying no to coming. I'm aware my grief may be getting in the way and perhaps I need to be more considerate of their feelings too??

OP posts:

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 28/03/2023 10:07

I'm sorry for your loss. In my family we go to funerals to support the living, as well as grieve for the dead. Whilst they weren't close to your mother, they want to come to support you and your dh in your grief. This is a really kind gesture, and is something quite common particularly in Catholic families.

2chocolateoranges · 28/03/2023 10:09

They are wanting to go out of respect for you, I’d never met my friends dad as he had been ill when I became friends with her but out of respect to my friend I went to her fathers funeral, same as she went to my grans funeral, to show support to me.

you don’t get to invite people to funerals, whoever wants to turn up and show respect can do so.

. To be fair you probably won’t notice half the people at the funeral as you will be too focused on yourself and getting yourself through the service,

JennyForeigner · 28/03/2023 10:10

I think this is entirely your call, and it is a very ordinary and healthy thing to say 'a small private funeral has been arranged for immediate family only, but donations and flowers can be directed to...'

FWIW I wouldn't want my inlaws at a family funeral and it didn't occur to my mum for a moment to invite herself to my FIL's funeral when he died fairly suddenly.

ItIsFiat · 28/03/2023 10:10

They can say prayers elsewhere and you don't require their support on the day.

Neededanewuserhandle · 28/03/2023 10:10

You can't police who attends funerals. My mother died recently - people who go to her funeral will go. I have a friend who is staying away due to family rift, but that's their choice.

SausageRoll2020 · 28/03/2023 10:11

Your husband will be giving you all the support he can, having his parents there may help to give him the strength he needs to support you.

I think it's a kind gesture from your in-laws.

Also, if the funeral is in a CoE church then I believe that anyone who wishes to attend can I don't know about other denominations / council run crematoriums etc.

AmandaHoldensLips · 28/03/2023 10:13

Generally speaking, anyone can do go a funeral as it's not an invitation-only thing.

However I do think it should be your call, especially as you'd find it uncomfortable. It's a very private and emotional time and I think you're perfectly reasonable in wanting to keep it that way.

Mindymomo · 28/03/2023 10:17

My in laws came to both my parents funerals, they were amazing. They stayed in the background but were there for my teenage sons, when I was expected to talk to other family members that came. I was also in pieces the morning of my DM’s funeral, it passed in a daze but my in laws kept the conversation going, helped out with drinks and food, but they did ask first. At my DF’s funeral an uncle said something out of place, my MIL totally took him down a peg or two. So sorry for your loss, it’s really hard, take care of yourself.

Original poster

pain1nthearse · 28/03/2023 10:17

Thanks for your comments. I know I can't police who goes but I was wondering how unreasonable it would be for me to say I'd prefer it if you didn't come. I guess if it was about supporting me / us then just saying 'we're here for you and if it helps we can be at the funeral to support you' rather than just saying we want to come would be preferable because now all I'm worried about is causing offence. But I am listening and considering your perspectives

OP posts:

Oceans1000 · 28/03/2023 10:19

My father's funeral was 2 months ago, there were people there who hardly knew him but came along to support me, I really appreciated them taking the time.
It sounds like your in-laws are about you and want to show their support.

Itsbytheby · 28/03/2023 10:20

I am sorry for your loss.

I agree with others, they want to come to show you and your mum respect. While I think it's ok to say you'd prefer them not to come, I am just not sure what you will gain. Unless you think they will act badly at the funeral, or expect you to give them loads of attention, then I don't see the harm in them coming.

Either way I would ask your DH to manage this. You have enough on your plate.

Justcallmebebes · 28/03/2023 10:20

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss but I think it's lovely that your in laws want to come and support you at your mum's funeral. Plus, a funeral is pretty much a public event that anyone can attend.

Can't you try and see the good in their actions?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 28/03/2023 10:22

I'm sorry for your loss, this will be a time when your emotions are all over the place and it can be very difficult to think straight.
Funerals are usually public events which do not require an invitation. It use to be usual for the details to be published in a local paper, these days funeral directors will often put a list of upcoming funerals on their websites so anyone who wishes to attend can. People generally attend for two reasons, to mourn the person who has died and/or to show their support to those who are mourning. It does not seem unusual to me that your in-laws wish to do this but if it will upset you then maybe your dh should tell them that you want the funeral to be only close family and friends.

NBLarsen · 28/03/2023 10:22

I do think you are being unreasonable about this. Grief is terrible and perhaps that's swaying your opinion of the situation though, it's understandable. I'm very sorry for your loss.

You can't control who comes to the funeral, it's not your call. You say she was 'your' mum and that you've purposefully only invited two others who knew her well. But she was also four other people's mum, perhaps a grandma too, she was a wife, presumably she was a friend, a neighbour, and so on, all of these other connections will be there and may also invite others.

Your in-laws obviously thought well of your parents, and they obviously want to come, that's good enough reason for them to be there. You attend a funeral as much to support the living as to respect the dead. They will be a support to your DH as well as to you.

WildFlowerBees · 28/03/2023 10:23

We had family only at my mums funeral. It was a time for us those closest to her and we all felt it was a very private time and didn't want our grief on display.

Everyone completely understood. We asked if those who felt inclined to light a candle at the time of the funeral instead of attending and knowing everyone did was very touching.

This is a time for you and your mums closest family. Do what you all feel is right not what you think you ought to do. 💐

MagpiePi · 28/03/2023 10:23

I think you and DH are entitled to say you would prefer it to be immediate family only, but as others have said, you can’t stop them coming if they are determined.

From what you have said, it sounds like they want to come and do some performance grieving of some sort, rather than because they knew and liked your mum.

TomeTome · 28/03/2023 10:24

Funerals are public events, the marking of passing, and a show of love and support from the community. It’s not like a wedding and in my family the time/date is in the paper. I think it is often really hard, but also good. My advice would be to trust the process and that your own grief and mourning will be afterwards and takes years

Xrays · 28/03/2023 10:26

You could just be vague about the arrangements and then tell them afterwards you’d decided to only have immediate family on your side there? (This will obviously only work if it is a very small funeral and not the sort of thing that cars stop for in a small village and everyone knows everyone…..)!

When my Mum died she had a direct cremation and people were horrified by that and kept saying when we were going to have a funeral / wake etc - I am an only child, my dad had been divorced from her for 25 years and my ex in laws (dds grandparents) kept wanting to come. I just said we’re not doing anything and yeah it did annoy them but none of them were close to my Mum and in the end we just scattered her ashes just me, dh and dc.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 28/03/2023 10:27

I can see both sides of this.

Good people can often attend funerals to support the mourners there and their presence is invaluable.

At the other end of the spectrum, some people attend funerals as something to do and the (potentially) free food and booze afterwards.

If your in-laws are the type of people who would actually drain you rather than support you, get your husband to ask them to stay away.

If you feel they could make things easier let them come.

As you say, they didn't know your mum so they're not coming for her, and if they're not going to make you feel better on the day then there's no point in them being there.

Jumpersaurus · 28/03/2023 10:27

I'm very sorry for your loss.

By any chance are your ILs Irish or of Irish descent? I ask because if this was in Ireland it would be seen as very odd if the in laws didn't go to the funeral. I've never heard of inviting people to a funeral so I don't know how things are done in the UK, but generally everyone connected to the surviving family as well as the deceased would attend as a mark of respect and support. So if your ILs do things differently it may just be a case of your DH explaining the privacy of the funeral.

Nap1983 · 28/03/2023 10:27

Sorry for your loss. I’ve lost a parent fairly recently so can understand how hard it is.
TBH you sound completely unreasonable about not wanting your parents in law to attend. If not support for you it will be support for your husband. It is completely normal for in-laws to attend each others funeral it is respectful and the reason you give for not wanting them to come is quite selfish.

Original poster

pain1nthearse · 28/03/2023 10:33

No they are not Irish or of Irish descent.

OP posts:

PotatoFacedWombat · 28/03/2023 10:33

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Losing a mother is devastating. Huge hugs to you.

I think that there's a bit of displacement here- you're focusing on this because it's something else to think about other than the horrible loss. Maybe it's another avenue for you to channel the upset and anger you understandably feel too. But as PP have said, they're being kind. I'd feel really weird if my ILs didn't come in that kind of situation, I think it's the normal thing to do.

Seeline · 28/03/2023 10:36

Do you have children OP?
Because regardless of their age, I think having someone slightly distanced from the event and able to support them, may be very helpful. You won't be in a position to do much for them.
Personally I find it very strange not to want your in laws there in the first place. I would never if dreamt of trying to stop my MIL going to my Dad's funeral when he died very suddenly. She was able to support my DH who had been close to my Dad.

Itsbytheby · 28/03/2023 10:36

I think you are allowed to be selfish in your grief. But I also think it's worth trying to look outside of what you are feeling right now and consider others. Your mum's friends and aquaintences for example. Or even your in laws, who are probably pretty sad about the passing of a women they were related through, although not close to, and their DIL who is grieving.

My mum died when I was in my 20s. She had specifically instructed me that she (1) didnt' want a funeral at all and (2) didn't want my dad in any way involved. I had a funeral for her and my dad came. Want to know why? Because actually lots of people contacted me asking and expressing a desire to say goodbye to her. There were friends and family, but there were also work colleagues and acquaintences. It was really touching to see and talk to them. And my dad came to support me. Which was what I needed.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5