AIBU to not want them there at the funeral?

[pain1nthearse]

So my mum passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. We were fortunate in that we were able to spend a week with her in the hospital saying good bye and my sister and I were with her right at the end which although was heartbreaking felt incredibly special.

For some extra context: I come from a large family (5 siblings) and I feel lucky that we all have each other as a support (everyone has been checking in most days / all pitching in with helping organise the funeral etc).

The funeral is in another couple of weeks and whilst chatting to my husband about the logistics of going (we live 2 hours away from siblings / mum) he mentioned that his parents have said they would like to go. I feel really uncomfortable about this for a few reasons. One, they barely knew my mum - had met her twice and one of those times was at our wedding. My mum was a pretty shy, introverted person who preferred the company of her family and a few friends. Despite their best efforts to try and build a relationship with her, she wasn't that interested. She wasn't rude or anything like that - just didn't invite them over or actively pursue a relationship (they live about a 45 min drive away). Secondly, I'm really struggling with the thought of the funeral - I know I will be in pieces and to be honest I don't want them witnessing my grieving - it feels so intensely private to me. The only other people I have invited (outside of family) are my 2 oldest friends who knew my mum really well and basically grew up in my house. Lastly, my MIL said in her text to my husband about wanting to come to the funeral because they also didn't get to go to my dads funeral?! He died 10 years ago and they had never even met him!! This has made me feel angry and resentful because it doesn't feel like their reasons for coming are genuine / about supporting me.

For further context I do actually like my in-laws (esp FIL) and we get on but my MIL has over-stepped in the past and can throw her toys out the pram if she doesn't get her own way. She cried and put the phone down on my husband because we asked them to wait a couple of weeks before coming to meet their second grandchild. They were still going to be the first family members to meet him but I'd had an awful time with my first son's birth and knew I'd need time to establish BF and just recovering. I know she will feel offended if we say we'd prefer they not come to the funeral but I feel really cross that I have to give this headspace at all. Ive felt fragile and weepy since it came up yesterday. My husband is more than happy to handle it all and leave me out of it but we have to see them this weekend for another event so he either needs to say it now or they will likely just ask me directly when we see them but relations may well be frosty after that. FIL will be fine about it, but MIL won't although this will just be shown in some passive aggressive way rather than directly.

Anyway AIBU for saying no to coming. I'm aware my grief may be getting in the way and perhaps I need to be more considerate of their feelings too??

Completely normal for in-laws to them to come. If you don’t want them to, fine, but they totally haven’t overstepped they’ve done exactly what most most in-laws would do

I hear you OP. Some see it as a kind gesture of support and don't consider the flip side, which for the host family can be added stress on an already very emotional and stressful day.
I had to ask my DB and his wife not to come to my MIL's funeral after he announced he thought he ought to come. They'd met her once at my wedding, thirty years earlier but my SILs were stressing at the thought of having to meet new people whilst in their raw, emotional state and just wanted them not to come.

Sorry for your loss.

It's an emotional time. It's 3 years since I lost my beloved Father and it still hurts. But 1 thing he always said - 'Life must go on. & it will'.

These are your In-Laws you have a good enough relationship with them. Can you really stand there and tell them they're not invited? Or are you going to get your husband to say that to his parents? They want to come out of respect. It's solidarity.

I don't understand why you stated MIL had to wait weeks to see her grandchild, when surely whilst you were getting on with resting and recovering in private, your husband as the child's father could have spent some minutes in the living room with his parents to introduce child.

It's just that everything seems to be about you, as the centre.

I hope funeral goes as well as can be expected. I didn't know all my Dad's friends but they were so lovely kind and helpful at his funeral. Just a thought

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss. I'd feel the same as you in your position to be honest. If they're really interested in supporting you (I assume this is their motivation for attending since they didn't know your mum well), then they'll be ok with supporting you by respecting your request for close family only in attendance. X

I have a very close friend whose mother died before Xmas. Even though close, I had only met her mum twice in the 15 years I’ve known my friend. But I went to the funeral to show support for her. many people do this. Your in-laws want to be supportive of you both. I think it’s sad that you can’t see this.

It's just that everything seems to be about you, as the centre.

Does it make you feel better? Snipping at a woman grieving? Pathetic

It’s clearly not all about OP but the MiL given shes harbouring resentment over he fact she didn’t get to go to OPs fathers funeral, a man she didn’t even meet.

Personally I find it refreshing OPs husband respected her wishes about establishing breastfeeding and being left alone to recoup for a whole 14 days. Im sorry your standard isn’t higher but Op isn’t the problem as much as you’re trying to make her out to be.

It was my Mums funeral last week and DHs Mum and Auntie came. They did t really like my Mum and she didn’t like them, no fall out just very different people.
They were very respectful and unobtrusive and it was actually nice that they came.
I think it’s a generational thing to go to everyone’s funeral

I’m going against the grain here. Op knows her in laws and what they are like

Yes funerals are public and anyone can attend but I would question their motives for going.

There we’re many people at my Dads funeral that I didn’t know, there were even some that didn’t know him (from the regiment he was in when in the army) but no one made it about them and everyone was respectful. This doesn’t sound like the IL are going to support op.

@pain1nthearse only you know why they want to be there and if would help you or not. If not, I’d tell them it’s a small ceremony for immediate family only but you appreciate their support. Then be very vague about when/where it is.

Sorry for your loss 💐

But I went to the funeral to show support for her. many people do this. Your in-laws want to be supportive of you both
I must be reading a different thread because they don’t sound supportive at all. A supportive mother in law wouldn’t have made a dig 10 years later about not getting to go to OP’s fathers funeral.

OP has also said if she says no to her she becomes a passive aggressive toddler so this doesn’t like a warm loving family who rally round extended family.

I’m glad you’ve decided to let them come. The key bit is they tried to build a relationship with your mum ( and it’s totally fine that your mum didn’t want that).

I doubt MIL meant that she missed out on your dad’s funeral, more that she feels bad she didn’t /couldn’t attend.

My mum is an elderly widow and my in laws invite her for Christmas, birthday parties, weddings etc. This is all completely unprompted and unexpected by me or DH. It really means a lot to her that they want her there.

I know you're grieving, OP, but I think you need to consider that in marrying your husband you've also married into his family and they don't just regard you as someone they know whose mother has died, they regard you as a member of their family. And as a member of their family they care about you and want to show you their respect. You seem to think there's your family and his family and they're separate, but they're linked by the pair of you.

This 100 per cent.
It's already bothering you.
Ask your DH to handle it for you.
Two reasons I think this. First

I know I will be in pieces and to be honest I don't want them witnessing my grieving - it feels so intensely private to me. The only other people I have invited (outside of family) are my 2 oldest friends who knew my mum really well and basically grew up in my house.

And

my MIL said... wanting to come to the funeral because they also didn't get to go to my dads funeral?! He died 10 years ago and they had never even met him!! ...it doesn't feel like their reasons for coming are genuine / about supporting me.

Do you have to go to the event this weekend?

Funerals are for the dead and the living.
Your husband's parents are showing kindness and consideration to you and your children and wider family.
It woulde be rude of you to tell them they could not come.
It is not odd at all that they wish to go.
Your children will love to see them there.
You are over thinking this and actually possibly offending your husband who is also grieving and would appreciate his parent's support.

I see you've decided to.allow it. I have been to funerals where the funeral did feel too vast and I was concerned it wasn't ideal for the immediate family. Do take your space when you need it on the day, it sounds as though your DH will be protective, perhaps discuss siblings sitting together so your DH and other partners and children will be behind you creating a 'buffer' in the service itself. Maybe even plan meeting early or a gap between parts of the service for just immediate family to be together, uninterrupted? Sorry for your loss 💐

Sorry OP. I've just seen your update and see that you have decided to invite them. There's no good or bad decision - what ever you decide works for you.
You know the characters involved and at least when you've made a decision its easier to just get through it.

Your DH sounds very nice and hopefully you can tell him how you feel and he can keep an extra eye on you.

Its always a comfort to get through the day and then you will have time to process it. Its good to have your DH and siblings around you. Hope it goes as you wish.

Since you come from a large family, there will likely be many people there who are supporting your siblings. People you don't know well.
If it is an advertised funeral then it would be poor form to single out your in-laws as people who are not to go.
Funerals are sad and hardest for the family.
You are right to feel loss and distress.

I'm sorry for your loss. I wouldn't want my in-laws there either. I would see it as an intrusion, not a kind gesture or an act of support (which I wouldn't want anyway)

Whilst you can't stop people coming, I think DH should say thanks but no need for them to attend and if they persist be a bit more forceful.

Very sorry for your loss. Do what you think is right for you.
All the PPs who have somehow read the MILs mind and decided that she wants to be there to support the OP - did you miss the bit where the OP said that she doesn’t think this?
”MIL said in her text to my husband about wanting to come to the funeral because they also didn't get to go to my dads funeral?! He died 10 years ago and they had never even met him!! This has made me feel angry and resentful because it doesn't feel like their reasons for coming are genuine / about supporting me.”

It sounds more like the MIL just doesn’t want to miss out on a “family occasion”. If MIL had said anything about being there for OP it would be different.

Some people treat funerals as a day out or an excuse to get a day off work (a distant cousin did this with my mother's funeral).

If you really don't want them there, tell them it's immediate family only.

I sound precious? You sound awful

I think you should phrase things in such a way that the responsibility is clearly on her shoulders, something along the lines of

'l appreciate you wanting to support me but all l want atm is to be surrounded by people that really knew and loved my mum. If you want to come for other reasons it is of course a public service, however we plan to spend the day with the our guests so may not get round to you. Thank you for your kind words and I hope you understand.'

Would you be averse to getting your OH to suggest a practical tasks eg could they provide you with a meal for the evening or day after the funeral.....not invite you round, but send round a shepherd's pie. I've no idea of her true motives but sounds like shes justvtrying to do the 'done thing'. Food offerings definitely come in the category.

I'm sorry youre mum has passed but im glad you got to spend some precious time together and how refreshing to hear of a family where all the siblings and relatives get on. You still have that and I'm sure it will be a big comfort

Sorry for your loss OP.

Anyone can attend a funeral to show their respects to the deceased and to the bereaved. It is not unusual at all to attend the funeral of a DILs parents, even if they had never met them.

Your PILs probably think they are doing a nice thing, absolutely tell them it is a long journey and you don't expect them to be there, but it would be a shame to throw their gesture of support back in their face by telling them you don't want them to be there.

You will not be expected to spend time with your PILs other than to accept their condolences and thank them for coming. It is likely you will be spending most of your time with your own family and will hardly notice their presence unless you fixate on it because you couldn't control it (you do sound as if control is important to you). Focus on the day and your family and you will forget they are even there.

Basically this. The last funeral I went to I didn’t know the deceased (DH best friends dad), but we went for our friend and he appreciated it. My mum came to my FIL funeral despite never meeting him (died before we got married). I think it’s lovely they’d want to support you. Sorry for your loss.

We had a private funeral for my mother. This was part of her very specific wishes. She did not want certain people in attendance. It was not held in a church and we were able to control the guest list. It was a wonderful memorial and it was a perfect sendoff for her.

that said, most of the time people find comfort in the numbers that turn out at funerals. I’ve actually seen more mourners be upset about some people not attending than with people showing up.

Sometimes we go, not because we were close to the deceased, but to show our support for someone in mourning. it is a different kind of attendance. You sit towards the back. You may cry, because funerals are sad, but you are sure to keep your grief in check because it is dwarfed by those who were close. You say kind words to your family or friend and show them that you care about them by being present.