AIBU to not want them there at the funeral?

[pain1nthearse]

So my mum passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. We were fortunate in that we were able to spend a week with her in the hospital saying good bye and my sister and I were with her right at the end which although was heartbreaking felt incredibly special.

For some extra context: I come from a large family (5 siblings) and I feel lucky that we all have each other as a support (everyone has been checking in most days / all pitching in with helping organise the funeral etc).

The funeral is in another couple of weeks and whilst chatting to my husband about the logistics of going (we live 2 hours away from siblings / mum) he mentioned that his parents have said they would like to go. I feel really uncomfortable about this for a few reasons. One, they barely knew my mum - had met her twice and one of those times was at our wedding. My mum was a pretty shy, introverted person who preferred the company of her family and a few friends. Despite their best efforts to try and build a relationship with her, she wasn't that interested. She wasn't rude or anything like that - just didn't invite them over or actively pursue a relationship (they live about a 45 min drive away). Secondly, I'm really struggling with the thought of the funeral - I know I will be in pieces and to be honest I don't want them witnessing my grieving - it feels so intensely private to me. The only other people I have invited (outside of family) are my 2 oldest friends who knew my mum really well and basically grew up in my house. Lastly, my MIL said in her text to my husband about wanting to come to the funeral because they also didn't get to go to my dads funeral?! He died 10 years ago and they had never even met him!! This has made me feel angry and resentful because it doesn't feel like their reasons for coming are genuine / about supporting me.

For further context I do actually like my in-laws (esp FIL) and we get on but my MIL has over-stepped in the past and can throw her toys out the pram if she doesn't get her own way. She cried and put the phone down on my husband because we asked them to wait a couple of weeks before coming to meet their second grandchild. They were still going to be the first family members to meet him but I'd had an awful time with my first son's birth and knew I'd need time to establish BF and just recovering. I know she will feel offended if we say we'd prefer they not come to the funeral but I feel really cross that I have to give this headspace at all. Ive felt fragile and weepy since it came up yesterday. My husband is more than happy to handle it all and leave me out of it but we have to see them this weekend for another event so he either needs to say it now or they will likely just ask me directly when we see them but relations may well be frosty after that. FIL will be fine about it, but MIL won't although this will just be shown in some passive aggressive way rather than directly.

Anyway AIBU for saying no to coming. I'm aware my grief may be getting in the way and perhaps I need to be more considerate of their feelings too??

I thought this too.

I lost my dm before Christmas and there were lots of people I didn’t know/recognise who came to the funeral to pay their respects. Even when they told me who they were I wasn’t always sure. My closest friends, as well as those of my siblings attended too, some hardly knew my dm but they came for us.

My in-laws also attended and they were a fantastic support not only to dh and dc (who were also grieving) but to my dm siblings too - some of whom they had only met on a couple of occasions. We don’t always see eye to eye and my dmil drives me batty sometimes but at time of loss I felt very lucky to have them.

I’m sorry for your loss op.

Really sorry for your loss.

I have a very ill parent and I know that my in-laws will assume that they will come to the funeral. Not because they feel anything for them, they've only met them twice, but because they will want to "pay their respects" and be able to tell everyone that they've done "the right thing."

My ILs are not supportive, thoughtful, helpful, selfless, loving people. They live a few hours away and will assume that they can stay with us. They are incapable of fending for themselves either in terms of getting themselves a cup of coffee or by mixing with others, everything will have to be facilitated for them. Their presence will be a burden.

My parents are very private people, they wouldn't want these relative strangers at their funeral. For that reason they'll be told that the funeral will be closest family and friends only.

They could be useful if the DC are going.

Tbh I think you'll find people there that you may not know anyway assuming the notice is going in the paper. Old friends, old work mates, certainly common in Scotland anyways.

I've seen your update to say you're inviting them now, but yes I'd have said it was unreasonable to ask them to not come.

Surely your husband’s parents are close family.

If there are 5 siblings then I presume it's not that small a funeral. Presumably your siblings have invited other people too. I think telling them not to come is very harsh unless you don't mind upsetting them.

I too think your inlaws mean well.
They want to attend out of respect for you and your family.
Personally I'd be aghast if my inlaws didn't come to my parents funerals but in mitigation, I'm Irish.
Deepest sympathy to you, @pain1nthearse

I am incredibly sorry for your loss, truly I am

However you cannot prevent them from attending. They want to pay their respects.

Also, you made them wait two entire weeks before getting to meet their Grandchild???? I'm sorry but that's cruel & unnecessary. I'd also call that quite selfish tbh. It wouldn't have taken much to allow them even just a quick 2 min meet on your doorstep. That would certainly not interfere with establishing breastfeeding.... It takes longer than that to go for a wee!
Yes it's your decision but if my DD prevented me from seeing her baby for a fortnight (in the future as she's only 8!) I'd be absolutely devastated. I'd be trying to work out what I'd done wrong.

Perhaps this is why they're wanting to come? To try and make an extra effort with you because they think you have some kind of issue with them?

I agree with you OP and if my MIL turned up at my parents' funeral they'd wish they hadn't.

Funnily enough my own mum was absolutely fine with waiting a couple of weeks to meet my son. She understood that I’d found it hard first time round adjusting to being a new mum. It most definitely wouldn’t have been a 2 min meet and greet on the doorstep given we live a couple of hours away.

My in-laws had only met my Dad once.

(mainly because he has been seriously ill for 7 years before he died, and he lived 5 hours drive away)

It didn't even cross my mind to suggest that they shouldnt drive 5 hours to attend his funeral.

My father was quite young when he died and although he has hardly interacted with many of his friends for 5+ years due to his illness and living in a care home, his funeral packed with old friends / collegues /family etc etc, just as he deserved....
There wasnt even any standing room.

I would never have suggested that because they didnt know him well they shouldnt attend their grandchildrens grandparents' funeral, and i was actually delighted that they made the huge effort, including 2 nights away from home to be there.

I'm Jewish and it's only on mumsnet that I've come to realise that Irish people and Jews have a great deal in common when it comes to death.

The key difference being that we bury them first and then sit shiva, while you have the wake before the funeral.

I also have Jamaican friends who have similar traditions.

In all of our cultures, death is an event where absolutely everyone comes together, drops everything, attends the funeral if they possibly can.

Also, there is no fuss about what music, or what coffin, or what flowers, or who makes a speech, because we don't do any of that. Everyone is equal in death.

It is a severe culture shock when you encounter more traditional British families (like my in laws) who see grieving and mourning as a private, formal, invitation-only event, and also see grief as something which is potentially embarrassing and humiliating, rather than a universal human experience.

My hunch is that the Jewish/Irish/West Indian traditions are more likely to be the more common style of marking death. However, for those who have grown up with this alternative idea, they genuinely feel that way -that funerals are restricted private events and that grief is embarrassing and should be hidden.

The English have about two weeks to think about it. I don't know of it is still the case, the Irish and others have a funeral about day three.

YANBU they sound like grief tourists. Can't believe the responses on here.

Funerals are not "public events".
Do what you and your family want to do.
So sorry for your loss.

You don’t want them at the funeral and hadn’t invited them but they are turning up. They should have asked you. You were right to wait until you felt ok after the birth to have them visit. They can express their sadness with a charity e and a letter to you. They should respect your wishes

In my Indian culture, grief is very open. We all gather for the days before the funeral in the deceased home. Family friends - all visit. We all work together to cook etc and support the bereaved family.

the funeral is open to whoever wishes to attend. It’s not closed.

YANBU. My Nan has just died (Funeral on Friday) and she was also very introverted. There will be 15 of us in total. My cousin has asked to come from the other side of my family (also my best friend) and although he meant my Nan a handful of times, I told him that he couldn’t come to the service but he can join for the wake after. It’s a very personal thing and I think if you’d rather them not be there then you should let your husband tell them that. I’m sure they can support you in some other way! And if MIL is offended then that’s not fair on you.

"I really appreciate your support, but the service is for close friends and family of my mother."

I'm sorry for your loss. Tell them this, and don't waste another second worrying about it.

Just tell them it is close family only as these were wishes of your Mum.

Irish here too and the more the merrier at funerals/wakes. In fact I couldn't even tell you who was at my mum's funeral, because there were so many people there paying their respects.

But it's your call OP, although personally I don't think you'll even particularly notice them or half the people there. You'll just be trying to get through it all

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mum, @pain1nthearse

I can see I might be going against the grain here, but I don’t think I’d feel happy about this either. It’s your wishes that should count here. For context, my DM died during Covid when funerals were very difficult and numbers of guests strictly limited. I was pretty stunned that my SIL invited her brother and this wasn’t mentioned to me at all beforehand - he was just there when we arrived at the crematorium. He didn’t know my DM, he’d probably met her fleetingly once, maybe twice. It was all to do with my SIL (who hadn’t been supportive of DM at all during years of illness, sadly, and who - to be blunt - wasn’t remotely grieving her loss) selfishly wanting to have her family there and no thought given to even asking if that was all right. He was a stranger to me, too.

Unfortunately people don’t always behave sensitively where funerals are concerned.

OP I’m so so sorry for your loss. ❤️

YABU about your in laws. They want to come to show their respects and support for you. That comment about your dad was part of the same. I think you are projecting here as an outlet for your pain.

I think you are well within your rights to ask them not to come if that is your preference, but don’t read bad intent into their kind and supportive actions
x

Yes, we (Jews) are meant to have the funeral within 24 hours of death. In practice, it is either the next day after the person dies, or the day after, but no longer. There is no time to do anything beyond setting a date and time, and getting the word out. location is already decided beforehand.

Then you have a week of 'sitting shiva' where people visit the mourners in their home, there is a prayer service every evening, people bring food, etc.

I have been to many shivas where the people filled the house and were spilling out of the front door.

I noted @SoFED 's post - Indian culture is evidently also like Irish, Jamaican, Jewish etc. where many, many people attend and mourning is not a private or restricted event.

Personally I have found it very comforting in times of grief.

But i understand that there is a British culture that feels differently and treats funerals as something private.

In any case I think the immediate mourners and their wishes have to take priority. But there is something to be said for these ancient traditions.