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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want them there at the funeral?

124 replies

pain1nthearse · 28/03/2023 10:04

So my mum passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. We were fortunate in that we were able to spend a week with her in the hospital saying good bye and my sister and I were with her right at the end which although was heartbreaking felt incredibly special.

For some extra context: I come from a large family (5 siblings) and I feel lucky that we all have each other as a support (everyone has been checking in most days / all pitching in with helping organise the funeral etc).

The funeral is in another couple of weeks and whilst chatting to my husband about the logistics of going (we live 2 hours away from siblings / mum) he mentioned that his parents have said they would like to go. I feel really uncomfortable about this for a few reasons. One, they barely knew my mum - had met her twice and one of those times was at our wedding. My mum was a pretty shy, introverted person who preferred the company of her family and a few friends. Despite their best efforts to try and build a relationship with her, she wasn't that interested. She wasn't rude or anything like that - just didn't invite them over or actively pursue a relationship (they live about a 45 min drive away). Secondly, I'm really struggling with the thought of the funeral - I know I will be in pieces and to be honest I don't want them witnessing my grieving - it feels so intensely private to me. The only other people I have invited (outside of family) are my 2 oldest friends who knew my mum really well and basically grew up in my house. Lastly, my MIL said in her text to my husband about wanting to come to the funeral because they also didn't get to go to my dads funeral?! He died 10 years ago and they had never even met him!! This has made me feel angry and resentful because it doesn't feel like their reasons for coming are genuine / about supporting me.

For further context I do actually like my in-laws (esp FIL) and we get on but my MIL has over-stepped in the past and can throw her toys out the pram if she doesn't get her own way. She cried and put the phone down on my husband because we asked them to wait a couple of weeks before coming to meet their second grandchild. They were still going to be the first family members to meet him but I'd had an awful time with my first son's birth and knew I'd need time to establish BF and just recovering. I know she will feel offended if we say we'd prefer they not come to the funeral but I feel really cross that I have to give this headspace at all. Ive felt fragile and weepy since it came up yesterday. My husband is more than happy to handle it all and leave me out of it but we have to see them this weekend for another event so he either needs to say it now or they will likely just ask me directly when we see them but relations may well be frosty after that. FIL will be fine about it, but MIL won't although this will just be shown in some passive aggressive way rather than directly.

Anyway AIBU for saying no to coming. I'm aware my grief may be getting in the way and perhaps I need to be more considerate of their feelings too??

OP posts:

Abitofalark · 28/03/2023 11:57

Funerals are private if the family wants them to be. Public funerals can be an awful ordeal at a time of loss, which isn't always recognised. Your husband should tell his parents it's a fraught time and will be a small funeral for her family only, with the exception of a couple of very close friends and in the circumstances, it's better not to come. Leave it for now and make a private visit later to express their condolences and pay respect.

OhSnakesandBastards · 28/03/2023 11:57

I agree with you but DH believes I have strange views about funerals though.
I think they should always be invite only and only those that the family want to be there should attend.

People always mention that funerals are to support the living, and I feel most supported by only having people Im close to there that I would feel were supportive to me.

Im a very private person so I wouldnt want my in laws there - I would find it very difficult to manage my emotions whilst so many people I wouldnt want to see me at my most vulnerable were there. It would make it so much worse with people I didnt want to be there being there.

I know everyone reacts differently but I agree with you and you are entitled to feel like you do and they should respect that.

Original poster

pain1nthearse · 28/03/2023 12:04

OhSnakesandBastards · 28/03/2023 11:57

I agree with you but DH believes I have strange views about funerals though.
I think they should always be invite only and only those that the family want to be there should attend.

People always mention that funerals are to support the living, and I feel most supported by only having people Im close to there that I would feel were supportive to me.

I know everyone reacts differently but I agree with you and you are entitled to feel like you do and they should respect that.

This is how I feel about it but think the poster who mentioned displacement is probably correct. I do feel incredibly vulnerable and my emotions are very raw. However, I think on reflection, I won’t get husband to tell them not to come. It’s not worth any bad feeling but I really hope they stay in the background as much as possible. Thanks for all your comments, they have provided food for thought.

OP posts:

Bamboux · 28/03/2023 12:09

I find this a very alien thing as I am Jewish and in my community pretty much everyone attends funerals. The more the better. Grief is shared.

However, I married a non-Jewish man and their family feel like you - that funerals are private. I was asked not to attend a family member's funeral when we'd been together a couple of years because I didn't know her and it was a family affair. I assumed I'd go out of respect and to support my husband.

i found it pretty shocking and upsetting at the time, but of course understood it wasn't about me and never said anything to them.

What I'm saying is...
I think it's nice that they want to support you but If you really don't want them there then you are the one who's been bereaved so your feelings take priority. It would be better if you could take comfort from their support though.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 28/03/2023 12:14

I was incensed when my PILs apologised for not being able to attend my mums….I’ve not spoke to them in years and they routinely ignore me at events and are general shit stirrers. They are the last people I could be vulnerable in front of and my mum disliked them be sue if the way they behave!

Gymnopedie · 28/03/2023 12:14

Whilst they weren't close to your mother, they want to come to support you and your dh in your grief.

It sounds like your in-laws are about you and want to show their support.

The quotes are from two different posts and there are others in the same vein.

OP you know your MIL, we don't. Is she coming to support you, or is she coming because she's a grief vulture? That would determine my response.

But I will say, having been at the funerals of both my parents where the church was pretty full of people I didn't know, I didn't give a stuff about who saw me in floods of tears, and I am also a very private person. It's not something to be embarrassed by.

roseopose · 28/03/2023 12:18

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If it doesn't feel right and comfortable to you to have them there then that's really all there is to it. You shouldn't be having to give this headspace or trying to accommodate their wishes when you have just lost your mum. Have they actually said to you that they would like to be there to support you and your family? If not then it seems more like they want to come because it's 'what you do' or other less palatable reasons.
I went to the funeral of a woman I knew at work who I had only met once because I was expected to 'show support', I felt so awkward and fraudulent sat there whilst her family were crying their eyes out.

UrsulaBelle · 28/03/2023 12:18

My dad went to my MIL's funeral. He had only met her twice. He did it because he felt it was respectful. He only attended the service, not the do afterwards. I thought it was lovely of him.

neilyoungismyhero · 28/03/2023 12:19

Very sorry for your loss OP.
Sadly I think you are being unreasonable- my husband and I have attended wider in laws funerals when we have had a very minor relationship with them, like your PILs and your Mum. It's not always about how well you knew the person it's about supporting the grieving family and wanting to pay respects. Whether they hardly knew her she was and they are part of the family circle.

Deliaskis · 28/03/2023 12:19

My DH's sister died some weeks ago and due to the circumstances for a few weeks there was much hushing, and talk of a very very small funeral. In the end they changed their minds and it ended up being a 'normal' sized funeral for somebody her age. I was very relieved that they did. I wanted to support DH and his family as much as possible, but it made it a lot harder and more exhausting trying to do that whilst also side-stepping around what I could or couldn't say to people and who may or may not be welcome at the funeral. It was very difficult not being able to be open with for example my parents or other friends about things, and made me feel very alone and isolated. I know it wasn't about me at all, I'm just offering the perspective from a person trying to support a grieving spouse. It's helpful if people doing the caring and supporting also have somewhere to get their own care and support, so they can do their job for you better.

Once it was expanded to be more 'open', the focus became about how loved his sister was and how everybody wanted to pay their respects, rather than about who did or didn't know what or who might or might not be expecting to attend a funeral or be offended if asked not to.

What I mean to say, kindly, is that causing a rift over this might end up being the thing that is remembered, rather than your lovely Mum and how you all felt about her.

SoFED · 28/03/2023 12:23

they’re coming for you OP. Let them come.

Markasread · 28/03/2023 12:24

I'm sorry for your loss.

You can't keep a funeral to the people you'd like to be there. It just doesn't work like that. Lots of people come. Why don't you make the grave side private.

SoFED · 28/03/2023 12:25

Also I say this from personal experience, I attended my friend’s brother’s funeral for her, I didn’t know her brother and there were 100s at the funeral. I can say that I don’t think my friend saw me, but I wanted to be there for her. Also I can say that a funeral takes a heavy toll on anyone attending, it’s not something people choose to do lightly

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/03/2023 12:30

My in-laws would attend if my Dad died. I used to find it odd but for them it's a way of supporting the bereaved and showing respect. I also find that the people who would listen to you take about your Mum afterwards are a godsend at the wake. To talk about the person you loved with someone who cares for you can be very comforting.

gogohmm · 28/03/2023 12:32

People attend out of respect for the living. Dp has attended recently a funeral to represent his wider family, someone he personally hadn't met. Everyone is different but they would be wanted to come to express their support for you

SavBlancTonight · 28/03/2023 12:36

I am sorry for your loss.

I do understand hy you wouldn't to want them to come but I don't think it's fair or inappropriate to say no. People go to funerals to support the living, to show respect etc and this is what they are doing. It is, in fact, an appropriate, respectful and polite thing to do. My MIL did not go to my mother's funeral and frankly, I think less of her for it.

If you choose to say no, then that is up to you, but you would have to accept that your in laws may think less of you and be hurt that they have, effectively, been banned from an event that most would agree should usually be an open invite to anyone who wants to come.

AnneElliott · 28/03/2023 12:37

I do agree with you op. There are some people who see funerals as a bit of a day out! I can think of one in my family who does this - mainly so she gets a day off work in my view!

I'd suggest your DH tells them it's a small family funeral that's restricted to people who knew her well.

Effitall · 28/03/2023 12:52

My FIL attended my mums funeral (my MIL stayed at home to look after my kids).

He had barely spoken to my mum more than 2/3 times, sat the back of the service and did not come to the wake.

If he hadn’t come up to shake my dads hand and offer his condolences I wouldn’t have known he was there, he came purely out of respect and it was quite nice that he did that in hindsight.

Lindy2 · 28/03/2023 13:17

I don't think this is worth the potential fall out.

You'll have your family around you for support at the funeral. Your inlaws can be there too, if they wish, but just let them know that you'd rather be given space to grieve in your own way without needing to talk to them etc. on the day.

Your husband can explain that to them. I'm sure they feel they are helping so it's a gesture meant in kindness.

MrsMoastyToasty · 28/03/2023 13:31

If you have a number of siblings, aunts , uncles etc then it's not as if she's going to be sat up in the front row. You probably wouldn't even notice her there if she came without giving you the heads up beforehand.
Can you give her a job like prepping for the wake? Even if it just involves turning the tea urn on and putting out the sandwiches. Or babysitting duties?
FWIW when my dad died we had a big funeral with all and sundry at the council crematorium and then a few weeks later we had a private interrment ceremony for his ashes. Just mum, me and siblings and our spouses. Have you considered this?

MeridianB · 28/03/2023 14:09

Really sorry for your loss @pain1nthearse

I am going against the grain here, but I don't think it would be rude to say 'I really appreciate the offer but it's just family'.

Because your backstory on MIL's behaviour suggests she has a habit of making things about her, not others. So my persepective is less about them wanting to show their respects but the potential for MIL to expect:

to stay at your house and be looked after at a time when you need space
to sit next to you in the service
be introduced to everyone
generally require a lot of attention from DH at a time when you need him.

MeridianB · 28/03/2023 14:10

Effitall · 28/03/2023 12:52

My FIL attended my mums funeral (my MIL stayed at home to look after my kids).

He had barely spoken to my mum more than 2/3 times, sat the back of the service and did not come to the wake.

If he hadn’t come up to shake my dads hand and offer his condolences I wouldn’t have known he was there, he came purely out of respect and it was quite nice that he did that in hindsight.

This is how it can look - done with real respect and no drama.

Blossomtoes · 28/03/2023 14:17

It never occurred to me to even think about who was coming to either of my parents’ funerals. It was completely unexpected when the crematorium was packed for both of them because they were very old.

We went to my bloke’s former Mil’s funeral because he was incredibly fond of her and wanted to support his kids. His ex didn’t bat an eyelid.

Thing is @pain1nthearse on the day you probably won’t notice, let alone care, who’s there. Your ils being there won’t make it better or worse. It’s a shit day whoever’s there.

Weallgottachangesometime · 28/03/2023 14:19

You don’t need to tell them that they specifically aren’t invited you could justget your DH to say something along the lines of…
”thanks so much for the offer of support, but her and her siblings have requested a small close friends and family only funeral. I am sure we’d appreciate some help the week afterwards though if you’re around”.

To be honest I don’t get why they want to go. Surely funerals are for the benefit of the closest family so whatever they feel comfortable should go no?

Silvers11 · 28/03/2023 14:20

@pain1nthearse I came on here to say much the same as the majority of posters here but see you have decided to just let them come and I think that is the right decision. It is normal for people to come to support those grieving even if they didn't personally know them - I've sadly been to two such funerals in the last year - and three of my friends came to support me at My Mother's funeral in the summer in like manner

Honestly, you really won't have much to do with your in-laws. Everything goes by in a blur and you'll only need to think about yourself. Being upset is nothing to be embarrassed about. People will understand

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