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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want them there at the funeral?

124 replies

pain1nthearse · 28/03/2023 10:04

So my mum passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. We were fortunate in that we were able to spend a week with her in the hospital saying good bye and my sister and I were with her right at the end which although was heartbreaking felt incredibly special.

For some extra context: I come from a large family (5 siblings) and I feel lucky that we all have each other as a support (everyone has been checking in most days / all pitching in with helping organise the funeral etc).

The funeral is in another couple of weeks and whilst chatting to my husband about the logistics of going (we live 2 hours away from siblings / mum) he mentioned that his parents have said they would like to go. I feel really uncomfortable about this for a few reasons. One, they barely knew my mum - had met her twice and one of those times was at our wedding. My mum was a pretty shy, introverted person who preferred the company of her family and a few friends. Despite their best efforts to try and build a relationship with her, she wasn't that interested. She wasn't rude or anything like that - just didn't invite them over or actively pursue a relationship (they live about a 45 min drive away). Secondly, I'm really struggling with the thought of the funeral - I know I will be in pieces and to be honest I don't want them witnessing my grieving - it feels so intensely private to me. The only other people I have invited (outside of family) are my 2 oldest friends who knew my mum really well and basically grew up in my house. Lastly, my MIL said in her text to my husband about wanting to come to the funeral because they also didn't get to go to my dads funeral?! He died 10 years ago and they had never even met him!! This has made me feel angry and resentful because it doesn't feel like their reasons for coming are genuine / about supporting me.

For further context I do actually like my in-laws (esp FIL) and we get on but my MIL has over-stepped in the past and can throw her toys out the pram if she doesn't get her own way. She cried and put the phone down on my husband because we asked them to wait a couple of weeks before coming to meet their second grandchild. They were still going to be the first family members to meet him but I'd had an awful time with my first son's birth and knew I'd need time to establish BF and just recovering. I know she will feel offended if we say we'd prefer they not come to the funeral but I feel really cross that I have to give this headspace at all. Ive felt fragile and weepy since it came up yesterday. My husband is more than happy to handle it all and leave me out of it but we have to see them this weekend for another event so he either needs to say it now or they will likely just ask me directly when we see them but relations may well be frosty after that. FIL will be fine about it, but MIL won't although this will just be shown in some passive aggressive way rather than directly.

Anyway AIBU for saying no to coming. I'm aware my grief may be getting in the way and perhaps I need to be more considerate of their feelings too??

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 28/03/2023 10:40

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

As others have said though, you can't stop anyone going to a funeral and I actually think it's very thoughtful of them to want to attend.

My in-laws came to my mum's funeral but didn't go to her wake. To be honest, I barely remember who was there and who wasn't because it was all consuming. I didn't give a shit who saw me crying because it was what it was.

I wonder if it would cause tension and stress between you all if you say you don't want them there? Especially if others who have heard about your mum, attend the funeral.

Time4achangeagain · 28/03/2023 10:42

PotatoFacedWombat · 28/03/2023 10:33

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. Losing a mother is devastating. Huge hugs to you.

I think that there's a bit of displacement here- you're focusing on this because it's something else to think about other than the horrible loss. Maybe it's another avenue for you to channel the upset and anger you understandably feel too. But as PP have said, they're being kind. I'd feel really weird if my ILs didn't come in that kind of situation, I think it's the normal thing to do.

I think this is right. I remember a therapist I knew once saying how many people fallout over funerals and what a shame it was. I guess because emotions are high. Don’t let this happen in your family. There’s no need. Their presence won’t detract from your grief or your mum. It’s still your time to be together as a family (your siblings etc) and you will still be supporting each other. That’s the most important thing. Nothing will take away from that

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/03/2023 10:47

I found it very comforting at my Dads funeral that so many people turned up, either out of respect for him, or to show support for my mum, my siblings and myself. Even some of the adult GC friends came to show support for them. Most people don't enjoy going to funerals they do it because the care about the deceased or bereaved.

LakeTiticaca · 28/03/2023 10:48

My mums funeral service was held at the church she had attended all her life. The church was packed I had no idea who most of them were, probably her friends from church mostly. It was lovely that she was so well thought of.
As a former home carer I attended the funeral services of some of the elderly clients who I'd had a good relationship with, the families were always happy that people had liked their deceased relative and wanted to pay their respects.
So I think you are being a tad unreasonable tbh

Divorcedalongtime · 28/03/2023 10:50

For that generation showing up to funerals is a sign of respect imo so denying them this seems unreasonable

2chocolateoranges · 28/03/2023 10:50

My mil passed away recently and all the dil’s parents went to the funeral, to show respect to their son in laws and also to support their daughters and their grandchildren. Perfectly normal.

luckylavender · 28/03/2023 10:53

pain1nthearse · 28/03/2023 10:17

Thanks for your comments. I know I can't police who goes but I was wondering how unreasonable it would be for me to say I'd prefer it if you didn't come. I guess if it was about supporting me / us then just saying 'we're here for you and if it helps we can be at the funeral to support you' rather than just saying we want to come would be preferable because now all I'm worried about is causing offence. But I am listening and considering your perspectives

I think it's a pretty standard thing to do. It's respectful.

Friendofdennis · 28/03/2023 11:00

you are really emotionally raw right now and in the aftermath of your mother’s death you are vulnerable to so many things that could upset you … a wrong word or action by someone thoughtless … in my experience I had someone present in my mothers funeral who I absolutely didn’t want to be there but she was imposed on me … she behaved as selfishly as I feared she would. My way of getting through it was to totally focus on mourning my mum and not be distracted

BowiesJumper · 28/03/2023 11:04

firstly I’m sorry about your mum. Big hugs.

It’s very normal for your in laws to suggest attending, it’s about paying respects and showing support. They view you as family so of course they would go. But if it’s over shadowing the whole thing for you, I would get your husband to delicately say to them that it’s immediate family only.

Esmereldapawpatrol · 28/03/2023 11:06

Get your DH to handle it and tell them you would prefer to keep it to people who really knew your Mum as she was such a private person.

My MIL has a weird fascination with going to peoples funerals, even if she barely knew them and I don't get it. I always feel like a funeral is private and I would feel uncomfotable turning up to a funeral of people I barely know but I think it's a generational thing.

Mochudubh · 28/03/2023 11:09

Sorry for your loss OP.

Your mum sounds like mine, just liked to keep to herself and didn't really like visitors etc. She had a small private funeral at her own request but a few people attended that she probably wouldn't have expected/wanted there.

However, and I mean this gently, your DM won't know who is there so I would be wary of causing a rift with your in-laws unless you think there will be a scene like your MIL screaming and sobbing and making it all about her, for example. If they are more likely to be quiet and respectful like normal people I'd be inclined not to make an issue out of it.

Wishing you well, whatever you decide.

Maray1967 · 28/03/2023 11:11

It’s normal in my family for in-laws to attend - but if you don’t want them there get DH to say that the family want a private small funeral with only birth family and very close friends there. That way it deflects it away from you only and includes your siblings. He could make it sound like it’s been agreed by all the siblings and that’s that.

PeskyPenguin · 28/03/2023 11:12

I've been to lots of my friends parents funerals even though I've never met the person who died. I was always brought up to believe that people wanted huge numbers at funerals to show love and support to the family.

Can you not get them doing a task you need that day? Babysitting / pet sitting etc?

Trying to think of a compromise where they're supporting you at a distance.

Dumbo18 · 28/03/2023 11:19

My Dad came to my FIL's funeral, i'd have been surprised and disappointed if he hadn't. On the day i dont think your focus will be who is there. Sorry for your loss x

Turquoisesea · 28/03/2023 11:21

I’m sorry for your loss. My mum died in January, there were people there who had never met my mum but came to support me. Also you don’t say if you have DCs but my DD and DS sat with my MIL and FIL who supported them as DH was supporting me and my DSis and DBro. I think it’s nice they want to come to support you but I understand if the relationship is difficult it is harder.

Miloticc · 28/03/2023 11:21

I think there’s a difference in generations, but I also find that some people like to go to funerals just so they can say “I know this person who has died”. Some people seem to want attention and sympathy whether they knew the person well or not.

Its up to you and your DH to know if they’re these kind of people or just overly supportive.

I think YANBU but should word it as “so sorry it’s only for close family it’s out of my control” instead of “I don’t want you to come”

I’m sorry for your loss x

maddening · 28/03/2023 11:28

Can they support your dc while your dh supports you perhaps?

Pegsmum · 28/03/2023 11:30

I’m sorry you have lost your mum. I do think you would be unreasonable to ask your in-laws to stay away. They will be very hurt and it’s really not worth the fall out. I mean this very kindly but it really won’t matter on the day, arranging a funeral is extremely stressful and you will be focused on saying goodbye to your mum. At this time you are so full of grief you are probably not thinking too rationally. Be gentle to yourself.

TennisWithDeborah · 28/03/2023 11:32

I don’t think it’s worth potentially causing a rift, OP. I know you’re grieving, and the period leading up to the funeral is so tough, but imo you can’t treat your ILs so dismissively.

Number24Bus · 28/03/2023 11:34

OP I am so sorry for your loss. I think they are trying to do a nice thing and pay their respects and it would hurt their feelings if you told them not to come.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/03/2023 11:35

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't think, going by what you've posted so far that it would be beyond the realms of possibility to say that you and your siblings (even if they aren't aware of your situation) have decided that the funeral will be for immediate family and close personal friends of your mother. As they only met your mother twice, they can hardly suggest that they would fit in to the latter category and they aren't immediate family of the deceased. You would be very grateful for a mass card or sympathy card if they wanted to send one.

Get your DH to say that to his parents. Both of them. At the same time. If your MiL goes off on one or starts throwing a strop, then you will both know it's more about her than about you or your late mother. She is a performance mourner and you don't want any of it at your mother's funeral.

JulieHoney · 28/03/2023 11:39

I’m sorry you lost your mum.

Funerals are public, anyone can go. For many it’s a sign of respect, and it would be insulting and hurtful to be specifically excluded from a public event. If “next door neighbour from 30 years ago” could reasonably turn up, telling your in-laws not to come is kind of rude.

Let them pay their respects, they aren’t trying to be hurtful. You don’t have to engage with them on the day.

BellaJuno · 28/03/2023 11:44

I’m very sorry for your loss, you feel how you feel about them coming, there’s no right or wrong answer. I do agree with the poster who mentioned there may be some displacement of feelings going on but that’s natural in these circumstances.

You say you have a large family, maybe check with your siblings if they’re aware of others coming to gauge if your in-laws would be the only attendees not close to your mum, or if there will be others who had a similar type of relationship to her? That might make the decision easier / more logical for you.

MsWhitworth · 28/03/2023 11:46

I think the damage you will cause by telling them they can’t come is greater than any potential damage that will be caused by them being there. Like many have said, they are being respectful of you and your mum by wanting to come.

I’m not really a fan of ‘family only’ or ‘private’ type funerals. I don’t think people should be excluded from mourning or paying their respects - ceremony and ritual is very important in dealing with death. We discovered that in the pandemic when people couldn’t have proper funerals.

Winniewonka · 28/03/2023 11:52

Sorry for your loss OP, I do think you should let them attend. They want to pay their respects to your lovely Mum and acknowledge.
Not that this should be a reason but I think they will feel shunned and it could lead to fall outs in the future.
When my mother passed away a few years ago, my ex husband and his own mother turned up at her funeral. We had been divorced for ten years. I only spoke to them briefly but both said how much they liked her and were sorry that she had passed away.

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