To think my DH is being a right dick

[Quinniebellie]

DH went out Friday evening, got in about 1am I think. We went to an event yesterday with our 4DC, he then went to the pub after to watch the football and came home around midnight.

So he’s obviously hungover x2, so today he’s spent the whole day on the sofa/in bed asleep. He got up this morning as we had an event at DD’s school at 10am. I thought “great he’s getting up to help get them ready before school” but no, he got up and got straight in the bath which is where he was for the next 40 minutes.

I got them ready, did the school run, came back and bathed the youngest DC’s, got them ready, we went to the event which was 30 mins then came home.

He got straight on the sofa and went to sleep. Meanwhile I took the youngest DC’s with me to go do a work errand and go to the shops etc, was gone for 2.5 hours. Came back and he’s still asleep on the sofa

then he gets up and again I think “great he’s finally getting up” but nope he went straight up to bed. Asleep again until I got back from the school run at 4pm.

I then got DD ready for dance class, took her, came back, made dinner for the other DC’s, meanwhile he’s having ANOTHER BATH! I could have screamed when I heard that bath running again!! Now I’m picking up DD, dropping her friend home, popping to another shop and will no doubt have to do the whole bedtime routine with them all while he does a big FA.

I know he’s hungover but Jesus is this normal? He does this every time he goes out for a drink or every time he has a day off. He says he’s entitled to chill time which yes he is but I feel like I’m running around like a headless chicken while he’s doing nothing. I don’t get chill time like that, and when I do ever get chance to chill I feel so guilty about it! He just doesn’t seem to care and thinks this is normal/acceptable. Is it?

His reasoning today is that he had a quick tidy up this morning while I was on school run and he’s wiped over the bathroom. So he “hasn’t done nothing”

YABU - he’s hungover leave him be
YANBU - he’s being a dick

Of course it’s believable. You reap what you sow and this is the dynamic that you have helped to create.

What are you hoping to get out of this thread? You have had great advice that you could have chosen to try and implement in the middle of the night or this morning but didn’t. It would be helpful to know if you just want a space to rant because then people can listen rather try to help you.

It isn't about baths OP.

He's doing it because he can. To punish you for leaving him on the sofa, sending ds down to him, then all going down to him.

He's an absolute knob. I'm raging for you, and the wallowing in multiple baths for hours on end is properly giving me the Ick.

Id be at the point of chucking the toaster in as a pp suggested.

You are far too soft OP, seriously - he knows he can do what the hell he likes, so that's exactly what he's doing.

My boyfriends allowed to be sad and sorry and I leave him in bed. Until 9am. Then I send the kids in 🤣

Take the plug out the bath

Or better yet go out for the day without the kids

Yeah those baths are his way of saying "fuck you" every time. On what planet does he think he it is ok to have a bath at 6/7am with 1DC, never mind 4DC. How have you not lost your shit with him this morning when he went to run the bath?

@Quinniebellie so what did you say when he started to run the bath?

I don't mean that to sound pokey OP but your first post laid out all his actions without you piping up and now he's running another bath... tell him to take the kids and why don't you get in it instead?

(Probably long past the time now)

DH got up and ran a bath.

So you told him that WTF is he thinking having a leisurely bath in the morning when you haven't slept and need to get 4 kids fed, dressed and out? You did, right?

Surely you started off by telling him to get out of the bath?

And then you let him know that's he's got to do 50% of whatever needs to happen with the children?

And when you need a shower, take a shower - it's ridiculous that he's got all this time for leisurely baths, nights out and hangovers while you have barely got time to catch your breath.

(Everything here is split pretty evenly apart from when I was on mat leave and not working at all.)

Raise your expectations and enforce them.
Stop simply taking the children off his hands and doing all the leg work.

@Quinniebellie my DP is the same. No amount of talking to him changes the situation. I've obviously enabled his behaviour in the past and now I'm sick of it, i'm suddenly a moaning old bag.
Other than LTB (I am planning to) I just have to put up and shut up. Its fucking miserable!

God love you.

You don't realise but you have a lazy, selfish nasty waster on your hands.

Who is very controlling and is emotionally abusing you by refusing to look after his children when he snaps at you.

You are absolutely not in a healthy relationship and you should reach out to Women's aid for support.

He's not physically abusing you but he is abusing you.

I think you really need to wake up to how used, abused, run ragged and controlled you are by him.

Reach out for support.

Why were you thinking “great, he’s getting up” and not saying get up you lazy sod, there are things to be done?

So when are you going out for the whole day and leaving him with the kids?

🤣🤣🤣
Didn't need that mental image, but thanks for the laugh!

Yep.
Snip!

The Way your OP sounds is that you waited for him to step up all day and he didn't. The only way to stop this is to call him out every single time. As PP said, the baths are not because he wants one, it's so he can get out of doing day to day activities.

This morning when I realised he was in the bath I went in and said “another bath, really?!” He said nothing. I then asked what time he had to go to work since he had time for a bath, he said “when I’m ready” (he’s self employed) at which point DC4 was screaming so I left and dealt with that.

when he got out the bath he said “what’s your problem?” To which I replied something along the lines of “you’ve had 3 baths in 24 hours, while I don’t even have time for a quick shower. If you weren’t in a rush to get to work today instead of sitting in the bath for 35 mins you could have helped with the kids” he just scoffed.

He then proceeded to make himself lovely eggs on toast. He did then take the older two to school which was helpful.

I’ve now had an apology text, saying it’s the going out drinking that makes him lazy and he’s “so sorry” and won’t be like this when he gets home tonight bla bla bla. But I’ve heard all that before and then the same thing happens next time he goes out.

It’s the attitude on him that I can’t stand. His comments telling me to shut up, get off his back, he’s just resting, he’s “ill” etc. Then comes the apology text just 2 hours later.. ?!

The thing that’s stuck with me this time is him saying he thinks our roles are split 50/50. I asked him if he really thought that and he said “when you take work into account then yeah”. He just doesn’t get it at all. We’ve had the same conversations for years with me trying to make him see how privileged his life is and how much better he has it than me, he literally doesn’t see it.

I clearly need to grow some balls and change things, stop trying to keep him sweet and demand more from him. But I know it won’t go down well

Could you sit him down for a ‘serious talk’ and tell him you can’t life like this anymore and think you should separate? It may scare the living crap out of him and make him realise you’re at your wits end. Spell it out to him, If he does change, stop drinking so often and put his weight he’s out the door. I personally would have booted him out a long time ago. It sounds as if you and the kids would be much happier without him around!

I think apart from being a doormat, the reason I don’t say all the things you guys say you would, is because it then starts an argument. He gets really defensive, we’re both really stubborn. We end up not talking sometimes for a day or two.. then it fizzles out. This has happened many times so I think I’ve just given up.

The thing is, we do have a good relationship and 80% of the time he pulls his weight like I’ve said. It’s just that the 20% is really fucking awful. So he’s comeback is always that - that he usually does a lot and it’s not every day etc.

@Mumsanetta to start with I just needed a space to rant, and wanted to see how normal this was. Now I’m taking the advice on board because I’ve realised I’m the problem by enabling it. It’s just hard to put the advice into actions when I’m not used to doing that!

@FatherJoseFernandez I’ve done that before, a couple of times actually! The last time was around this time last year. Kicked him out, told him we were over. He moved back to his moms for a week, cried and grovelled all week. Then things were great for months and months but then he started slipping back into old habits.

I have seriously thought about leaving him before. But I love him loads and when it’s good it’s really good. Like I said this isn’t all the time, so I think why would I throw away all the good times just because some of the time is like this, if that makes sense? If he did this weekly or didn’t pull his weight day to day we would definitely be over.

It sounds like he has absolutely no intention of changing in that when he wants his downtime, he is absolutely going to have his downtime.

And actually, that's not entirely wrong. the problem is that YOU do not have that downtime. So that's what you have to fix.

A lie in etc is probably practically impossible as he'll just ignore the dc and you'll be left to deal with it anyway (a separate, but annoying issue). but I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to let him know that this weekend you're spending the day shopping and having lunch with a girlfriend. And stick to it. Don't feel guilty. Just go and do it.

I was away recently and found myself thinking about pre cooking meals and sending DH a list of instructions and there realised I was being a dick. So I didn't. And he was fine. I did forward him the letter from school with info regarding the day I wasn't here but I left him to it. It was very liberating.

Personally I think action is needed with a man like this. Yes you could leave or separate, but that is a more medium-long term strategy. You need some immediate, short term things that will improve your life and give you some time out.

So take a shower when he is home - just go and do it. Go and see friends for an afternoon/evening. Inform him when you need a couple of hours for your hair wash and style - and close the bedroom door.

Currently it is like you're waiting for his permission to leave the room and have a shower. I do get where this is coming from, when there are small children who relied on you for BF it is hard to get out of that mindset. But you need to - you're as entitled to it as he is.

I think apart from being a doormat, the reason I don’t say all the things you guys say you would, is because it then starts an argument. But your DH is not remotely worried about causing an argument by being a lazy arse. Why is he this comfortable about providing fuel for arguments and you’re not? Why does he get to act exactly how he likes while you swallow down your anger at being let down? I’m furious on your behalf.

The thing is, we do have a good relationship and 80% of the time he pulls his weight like I’ve said. It’s just that the 20% is really fucking awful. To use a common MN analogy, would you eat a sandwich that was only 20% rotten? Would you send your children to a school that only screamed at them 20% of the time? No, because the 20% is more than enough to taint the 80% and the truth is you don’t actually have a good relationship.

I’ve done that before, a couple of times actually! The last time was around this time last year. Kicked him out, told him we were over. He moved back to his moms for a week, cried and grovelled all week. Then things were great for months and months but then he started slipping back into old habits. Ah, this is all making so much more sense. He knows that he can push you to the point that you kick him out but you will take him back anyway.

This really isn’t just about him drinking and then being lazy after. It’s about him disrespecting and disregarding his whole family because he thinks he generally pulls his weight anyway. I would speak to him about marriage counselling on the basis that you are both having issues communicating with each other properly and you would like to make one last effort before considering a permanent separation.

Our rule is someone can go out as late as they like, but they don't get out of childcare. If someone crawls in at 4am, they are still on duty the next day...

Special exemptions might be arranged in advance, but that's the general rule!

Like I said this isn’t all the time, so I think why would I throw away all the good times just because some of the time is like this, if that makes sense?

If you haven't been able to wash yourself for days, it's not 'some of the time'. If you say he goes out and ends up useless with a hangover every few weeks, that's also a lot of the time. If you can't even mention what bothers you because it will cause an argument, that's something that you need to live with all of the time, isn't it.

You were asking if it's normal - no, it's not. It should be a partnership, and he clearly already believes he's doing his fair share, so he won't change.

I think you first need to begin by changing your mindset.
He is a parent just as much as you are. The responsibility is not all yours, yet twice in as many paragraphs, you've referred to him as "helping":
"... you could have helped with the kids..." and "he did then take the older two to school which was helpful."

The children are as much his responsibility as they are yours. He doesn't have to "help" you, he needs to take on his share of the actual responsibility of the parenting.

Also, if I were you, I'd start making time for yourself by going out in the evening and at the weekend by yourself without any of the children (even if you go by yourself, go for a swim, the library, the shops, whatever you like)
Leave him with all the children and take yourself out of the parenting and domestic equation as frequently as he goes out for nights in the pub.

You deserve as much free time as your dh, so take it and respect yourself more.