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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is being a right dick

131 replies

Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 17:59

DH went out Friday evening, got in about 1am I think. We went to an event yesterday with our 4DC, he then went to the pub after to watch the football and came home around midnight.

So he’s obviously hungover x2, so today he’s spent the whole day on the sofa/in bed asleep. He got up this morning as we had an event at DD’s school at 10am. I thought “great he’s getting up to help get them ready before school” but no, he got up and got straight in the bath which is where he was for the next 40 minutes.

I got them ready, did the school run, came back and bathed the youngest DC’s, got them ready, we went to the event which was 30 mins then came home.

He got straight on the sofa and went to sleep. Meanwhile I took the youngest DC’s with me to go do a work errand and go to the shops etc, was gone for 2.5 hours. Came back and he’s still asleep on the sofa

then he gets up and again I think “great he’s finally getting up” but nope he went straight up to bed. Asleep again until I got back from the school run at 4pm.

I then got DD ready for dance class, took her, came back, made dinner for the other DC’s, meanwhile he’s having ANOTHER BATH! I could have screamed when I heard that bath running again!! Now I’m picking up DD, dropping her friend home, popping to another shop and will no doubt have to do the whole bedtime routine with them all while he does a big FA.

I know he’s hungover but Jesus is this normal? He does this every time he goes out for a drink or every time he has a day off. He says he’s entitled to chill time which yes he is but I feel like I’m running around like a headless chicken while he’s doing nothing. I don’t get chill time like that, and when I do ever get chance to chill I feel so guilty about it! He just doesn’t seem to care and thinks this is normal/acceptable. Is it?

His reasoning today is that he had a quick tidy up this morning while I was on school run and he’s wiped over the bathroom. So he “hasn’t done nothing”

YABU - he’s hungover leave him be
YANBU - he’s being a dick

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 27/03/2023 19:31

FfeminyddCymraeg · 27/03/2023 18:05

Also, am I the only one who gets the ick thinking of a man lying in the bath with his floating Rodger being all useless whilst his wife runs around like a blue arsed fly.

I should say I generally find men having long, leisurely soaks quite repugnant at the best of times 🙈

Totally with you on that one.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/03/2023 19:34

I do stand up to him about it, I don’t enable it - but what am I supposed to do? He’s a grown man I can’t physically force him to get up and do stuff can I?

You should have left him with the children when you ran your work errand - then he wouldn't have had a choice.

FurAndFeathers · 27/03/2023 19:36

Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 19:29

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz That sounds like the dream. It’s never been like that for us. I’ve always done most of the night get ups and the mornings. He goes through stages of doing more and taking them out for half a day so I can rest but it’s not frequent, especially since I started working so he has them by himself a few times a week.

I get up with the kids every morning, partly because I spend the second half of every night on the sofa with our 2yo so I’m downstairs anyway. But like I said in pp he does do stuff, nothing like what you’ve described though.

In all honesty I thought our set up was normal, common. Maybe it’s not

I do have a lot of mom guilt for resting, something I need to work on. But something that’s not helped by DH making “banter” when I do rest, and he’s very particular about the house so I feel pressure to keep it as tidy as possible to avoid moods. He has got better about this since DC4 came along, but I still feel the daily pressure.

He sounds unhelpful but you’re a martyr.

you resent him for having time that you refuse to give to yourself.

he’s said you could have more leisure time, so do it. Otherwise you’re resenting him for your own behaviour.

taje him seriously. Take the time and force him to step up.
May least he might then see how much you actually do

Brefugee · 27/03/2023 19:37

pick a day in your head every week - go out. Cinema, theatre, just a café with a book. Anything. And don't give him much notice, make sure you know he'll be in and take yourself out. Do it occasionally at the weekend too if you can.

Botw1 · 27/03/2023 19:40

I'd be raging if my oh told me I couldn't have a day off. After a night out or at all.

But then we share child care equally and we don't have 4 kids

CreepyDibillo · 27/03/2023 19:43

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/03/2023 18:51

and for those asking, no I don’t get downtime like he does. Does any mother

Yes. Since mine were born I get one of the weekend days to lie in. Dh also used to get up with infant dc on his work day, feed them, do the nappy and put them back down to sleep before leaving for work so I could sleep through as I'd done the nights.

I had trips away with friends for 1/2 nights at a time from when my dc were about 8mo.

Dh would regularly (as in weekly) take the to the park or the pool, he did bath time every weeknight. Every Friday night he would do the night feeds then lie in sat am.

We had an arrangement that meant whoever made plans first got them and the other was expected to be on kid duty.

Why expect nothing for yourself?

It's been very similar in our house since having kids. If anything, I get more nights out than he does, I wish he'd go out more and keep telling him he should. We have a joint online calendar that everything goes in, nothing gets booked without checking it.

Orangello · 27/03/2023 19:53

You take care of 4 kids. And work. But also need to keep house spotless as the master will otherwise be grumpy? While he lives like a single childless person, going out whenever he likes, getting absolutely wasted every few weeks and says he's entitled to chill time, that you never get.
Yes sounds fair..

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/03/2023 19:57

Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 19:29

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz That sounds like the dream. It’s never been like that for us. I’ve always done most of the night get ups and the mornings. He goes through stages of doing more and taking them out for half a day so I can rest but it’s not frequent, especially since I started working so he has them by himself a few times a week.

I get up with the kids every morning, partly because I spend the second half of every night on the sofa with our 2yo so I’m downstairs anyway. But like I said in pp he does do stuff, nothing like what you’ve described though.

In all honesty I thought our set up was normal, common. Maybe it’s not

I do have a lot of mom guilt for resting, something I need to work on. But something that’s not helped by DH making “banter” when I do rest, and he’s very particular about the house so I feel pressure to keep it as tidy as possible to avoid moods. He has got better about this since DC4 came along, but I still feel the daily pressure.

Tbh, if he isn't pulling his weight after dc1, he isn't going to after all the subsequent ones. If my own dh wasn't this good at parenting I'd have ended it.

Original poster
Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 20:00

@Orangello I mean I don’t think it’s as drastic as how you’ve described it.. I wouldn’t say he lives like a single childless person, he does do stuff round the house and with the kids like I’ve said and he does work really hard to provide for us all. but the first part of your description is right yes, and that’s how it feels sometimes. It’s definitely not fair but he doesn’t see it, because he’s never lived my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 20:02

For those asking why I had 4DC with him etc.. we had them all very close together, and the last one wasn’t actually planned. I’ve only started to get really annoyed about this stuff since DC4 was born and I’ve started working again because the load I now carry is huge compared to his. It was kind of even with 2 kids.

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 27/03/2023 20:12

YANBU. So this next weekend get up on the Saturday ,and go out with a breezy see you later you are in charge, list of jobs on the side expect them all to be done

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2023 20:36

But something that’s not helped by DH making “banter” when I do rest, and he’s very particular about the house so I feel pressure to keep it as tidy as possible to avoid moods.

Yet he 'wipes down' the bathroom rather than a proper clean.

I don't know why you can't see what's happening, but you can't.

Carve out time, and take it. And if he 'banters' look him dead in the eye and say, "next time you have a hangover and want peace, I will do exactly as you are doing right now". And mean it.

ColdHandsHotHead · 27/03/2023 20:45

He's got four kids, why the FUCK is he getting so drunk that he's useless the next day? I like a drink as much as anyone but how much has he had to be THAT hungover? You should not be putting up with this.

blubberball · 27/03/2023 20:49

What's the point of him? Might as well be a single parent. At least you wouldn't have him loafing around your house for days, running baths for himself.

butterfliedtwo · 27/03/2023 20:55

You're literally making excuses for him in the first update. Nothing is going to change unless you make a change to how you approach this and stop being a martyr.

Flittingaboutagain · 27/03/2023 20:55

Floating Rodger 😂

This isn't a normal set up in an equal partnership no OP.

Mojoj · 27/03/2023 20:58

You're just enabling him. Stop being a martyr.

FatherJoseFernandez · 27/03/2023 21:02

Bearpawk · 27/03/2023 18:21

Ahh are you facilitating this?
Just dump the kids on him and do your thing.

This ⬆️ I would plan some time to yourself Saturday or Sunday morning, wake him up telling him you’re going out and he has X,Y and Z to do with kids. Then enjoy a few hours of peace safe in the knowledge he feels like shite.

Have you challenged his behaviour? What does he say? You have to accept that when you have kids you can’t party like you’re a single twenty something with no responsibilities, and even when hungover you’re still a parent!

Copasetic · 27/03/2023 21:05

YANBU

BlackBarbies · 27/03/2023 21:06

CraneBoysMysteries · 27/03/2023 18:04

YANBU but you're doing a lot of thinking and not a lot of talking if I read this correctly? I would have said something in the morning

I was literally about to say this. Have you actually said anything?

This morning the kid’s dad wanted to stay in bed and I simply said ‘get the hell up and help get the kids ready.’ Job done

doodleygirl · 27/03/2023 21:07

Why is your bar so low. These types of threads absolutely baffle me, you are both fully fledged adults and for some reason the dynamic is so off kilter. It’s your marriage but seems pretty crap too me.

Perhaps you should raise your bar and stop accepting being the only adult in your marriage.

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2023 21:08

So he is particular about the house to the point you feel under pressure, jokes when you are resting to stop you doing so and fairly regularly has days he does nothing.

nope not normal

Shamoo · 27/03/2023 21:11

Honestly YABU for allowing it. Your OP doesn’t even make it sound like you challenged him?! He’s clearly a cunt, but you are enabling him to be one.

slowquickstep · 27/03/2023 21:14

There has been so many posts like this on MN in the last few weeks, What is going on ? Why do men feel they can be lazy bastards and more to the point why are so many women putting up with bone idle infantile prats? It is time for women to stand their ground, raise the bar and refuse to live like skivvies any longer. And while you are at it, stop making your Son's little Princes.

BusyMum47 · 27/03/2023 21:16

@Quinniebellie You're not being unreasonable in how you feel but you ARE being unreasonable by letting him behave like this & get away with it!! Why are you being such a doormat? Tell the lazy, useless prick to man up & get his arse off the sofa/out of the bath & bloody help you!!