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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is being a right dick

131 replies

Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 17:59

DH went out Friday evening, got in about 1am I think. We went to an event yesterday with our 4DC, he then went to the pub after to watch the football and came home around midnight.

So he’s obviously hungover x2, so today he’s spent the whole day on the sofa/in bed asleep. He got up this morning as we had an event at DD’s school at 10am. I thought “great he’s getting up to help get them ready before school” but no, he got up and got straight in the bath which is where he was for the next 40 minutes.

I got them ready, did the school run, came back and bathed the youngest DC’s, got them ready, we went to the event which was 30 mins then came home.

He got straight on the sofa and went to sleep. Meanwhile I took the youngest DC’s with me to go do a work errand and go to the shops etc, was gone for 2.5 hours. Came back and he’s still asleep on the sofa

then he gets up and again I think “great he’s finally getting up” but nope he went straight up to bed. Asleep again until I got back from the school run at 4pm.

I then got DD ready for dance class, took her, came back, made dinner for the other DC’s, meanwhile he’s having ANOTHER BATH! I could have screamed when I heard that bath running again!! Now I’m picking up DD, dropping her friend home, popping to another shop and will no doubt have to do the whole bedtime routine with them all while he does a big FA.

I know he’s hungover but Jesus is this normal? He does this every time he goes out for a drink or every time he has a day off. He says he’s entitled to chill time which yes he is but I feel like I’m running around like a headless chicken while he’s doing nothing. I don’t get chill time like that, and when I do ever get chance to chill I feel so guilty about it! He just doesn’t seem to care and thinks this is normal/acceptable. Is it?

His reasoning today is that he had a quick tidy up this morning while I was on school run and he’s wiped over the bathroom. So he “hasn’t done nothing”

YABU - he’s hungover leave him be
YANBU - he’s being a dick

OP posts:
Carlycat · 27/03/2023 18:16

And you had 4 dc with this useless tosser ? 🙄

CombatBarbie · 27/03/2023 18:17

I'd have thrown a cup of cold water over him when he went up to bed. I'm fuming for you just reading that.

Ffs he's a grown man, if he can't handle the Concequences of alcohol then he needs to cut back!

Yes we are all entitled to down time.... But he had his in the pub.

Bearpawk · 27/03/2023 18:21

Ahh are you facilitating this?
Just dump the kids on him and do your thing.

Rosula · 27/03/2023 18:25

Goodness. I'd have turfed him straight off that sofa after he got onto it, given him a couple of paracetamol and a coffee, and told him to stop being so useless.

EerieSilence · 27/03/2023 18:25

I voted YABU purely because I think you are enabling his behaviour.
If it's a regular thing, it's not normal. Either stop enabling it or, if you can't, get out of that joke of a relationship where you have a grown-up kid to take care of.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2023 18:26

If it's once a year, it's fine.

Regularly, expect better and ask for it.

SallyWD · 27/03/2023 18:34

I think it all depends how frequently this happens. A couple of times a year then fine. Once a week then not acceptable!

Original poster
Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 18:39

It’s not that regularly, not like it’s every week or anything (although he is out next Saturday night too - planned event) but he doesn’t usually go out on a proper night out every week. This happens probably once every few weeks. He says he deserves a day off and to get off his back.

I do stand up to him about it, I don’t enable it - but what am I supposed to do? He’s a grown man I can’t physically force him to get up and do stuff can I?

We’ve had a spat about it this evening, he came and tried to kiss me sheepishly because he knows he’s being a dick, I refused and told him why I’m annoyed. His response was “I cleaned the bathroom”
then he said it’s not every day like this, he does his fair share normally etc. I asked him if he thinks our roles are split 50/50 and he said yes but I don’t agree.

and for those asking, no I don’t get downtime like he does. Does any mother? I have to plan well in advance when I go out, which is once in a blue moon (has been once this year so far) and I certainly wouldn’t be able to have a day of doing nothing unless he took the kids out which doesn’t happen often.

however.. he does do stuff, he’s not usually this useless. He cleans, probably more than me and definitely better than me. He does dinner/bedtime 2 evenings in the week and all afternoon & evening each Saturday while I work. So it’s not like this every day.

just grinds my gears that he even has the choice to do this. He can pretty much do what he wants most of the time, he goes to the pub after work at least once a week when he feels like it, goes on stag do’s, golf days, fishing trips etc. Makes me resent him so much. He always tells me I can do all these things whenever I want but that is just not the case at all, he doesn’t get it.

OP posts:
Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat · 27/03/2023 18:39

Does he not work on a Monday?

TomatoFrog · 27/03/2023 18:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TwilightSkies · 27/03/2023 18:42

Nah worse than useless. He’s lounging around while you do EVERYTHING and he doesn’t care.
What does he contribute normally?

whynotwhatknot · 27/03/2023 18:45

sorry thats not doinghis fair share youre working of course he has to be there-so if you are there you dont get yor own time at all whatsover

and cleaning etc isnt him doing more than you its something he has to do because yore running round doing everything else

AllOfThemWitches · 27/03/2023 18:47

My policy is 'don't drink if you have responsibilities the next day.'

GoodChat · 27/03/2023 18:47

Did he clean the bathroom or did he wipe it down after his bath like you said earlier? They're two vastly different things.

Naughty1205 · 27/03/2023 18:48

FfeminyddCymraeg · 27/03/2023 18:06

*todger - should have just said dick 😁

Sorry but hahahaha ha

Original poster
Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 18:50

@Wearegoingtoneedabiggerboat he does usually yes but had this Monday off which is why he stayed out later last night

OP posts:
Original poster
Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 18:51

@GoodChat he says cleaned, I say wiped down. I don’t actually know as I wasn’t here when he did it. Looks wiped down to me, he usually cleans very thoroughly and it didn’t look thorough, I probably wouldn’t have noticed had he not told me

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/03/2023 18:51

and for those asking, no I don’t get downtime like he does. Does any mother

Yes. Since mine were born I get one of the weekend days to lie in. Dh also used to get up with infant dc on his work day, feed them, do the nappy and put them back down to sleep before leaving for work so I could sleep through as I'd done the nights.

I had trips away with friends for 1/2 nights at a time from when my dc were about 8mo.

Dh would regularly (as in weekly) take the to the park or the pool, he did bath time every weeknight. Every Friday night he would do the night feeds then lie in sat am.

We had an arrangement that meant whoever made plans first got them and the other was expected to be on kid duty.

Why expect nothing for yourself?

FontSnob · 27/03/2023 19:16

Personally, if it was a couple of times a year and he stepped up for you to do it too on occasion then I wouldn’t be bothered. But once every few weeks isn’t infrequent. Why are you feeling guilty about going out yourself though? Fuck that. If youve git the spare funds the. book yourself a night out and stay over at a mate. You’re the only one spoiling that for yourself with the mum guilt.

diddl · 27/03/2023 19:16

So he’s obviously hungover x2,

Why obviously though?

Perhaps he should compromise & not drink so much that he is useless for the next day?

twoandcooplease · 27/03/2023 19:25

meanwhile he’s having ANOTHER BATH! I could have screamed when I heard that bath running again!!

Honestly I would have!!

FloatingRodger · 27/03/2023 19:27

FfeminyddCymraeg · 27/03/2023 18:05

Also, am I the only one who gets the ick thinking of a man lying in the bath with his floating Rodger being all useless whilst his wife runs around like a blue arsed fly.

I should say I generally find men having long, leisurely soaks quite repugnant at the best of times 🙈

I'm nicking that Grin

Original poster
Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 19:29

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz That sounds like the dream. It’s never been like that for us. I’ve always done most of the night get ups and the mornings. He goes through stages of doing more and taking them out for half a day so I can rest but it’s not frequent, especially since I started working so he has them by himself a few times a week.

I get up with the kids every morning, partly because I spend the second half of every night on the sofa with our 2yo so I’m downstairs anyway. But like I said in pp he does do stuff, nothing like what you’ve described though.

In all honesty I thought our set up was normal, common. Maybe it’s not

I do have a lot of mom guilt for resting, something I need to work on. But something that’s not helped by DH making “banter” when I do rest, and he’s very particular about the house so I feel pressure to keep it as tidy as possible to avoid moods. He has got better about this since DC4 came along, but I still feel the daily pressure.

OP posts:
NotAHouse · 27/03/2023 19:31

This is why I stopped at 1 child instead of subjecting myself to further misery and resentment.

BCBird · 27/03/2023 19:31

Wtf. I stopped reading after a while. Selfish git. I think a day for u is in order.