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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my DH is being a right dick

131 replies

Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 17:59

DH went out Friday evening, got in about 1am I think. We went to an event yesterday with our 4DC, he then went to the pub after to watch the football and came home around midnight.

So he’s obviously hungover x2, so today he’s spent the whole day on the sofa/in bed asleep. He got up this morning as we had an event at DD’s school at 10am. I thought “great he’s getting up to help get them ready before school” but no, he got up and got straight in the bath which is where he was for the next 40 minutes.

I got them ready, did the school run, came back and bathed the youngest DC’s, got them ready, we went to the event which was 30 mins then came home.

He got straight on the sofa and went to sleep. Meanwhile I took the youngest DC’s with me to go do a work errand and go to the shops etc, was gone for 2.5 hours. Came back and he’s still asleep on the sofa

then he gets up and again I think “great he’s finally getting up” but nope he went straight up to bed. Asleep again until I got back from the school run at 4pm.

I then got DD ready for dance class, took her, came back, made dinner for the other DC’s, meanwhile he’s having ANOTHER BATH! I could have screamed when I heard that bath running again!! Now I’m picking up DD, dropping her friend home, popping to another shop and will no doubt have to do the whole bedtime routine with them all while he does a big FA.

I know he’s hungover but Jesus is this normal? He does this every time he goes out for a drink or every time he has a day off. He says he’s entitled to chill time which yes he is but I feel like I’m running around like a headless chicken while he’s doing nothing. I don’t get chill time like that, and when I do ever get chance to chill I feel so guilty about it! He just doesn’t seem to care and thinks this is normal/acceptable. Is it?

His reasoning today is that he had a quick tidy up this morning while I was on school run and he’s wiped over the bathroom. So he “hasn’t done nothing”

YABU - he’s hungover leave him be
YANBU - he’s being a dick

OP posts:

Fluffyhoglets · 27/03/2023 21:22

Well I'd have woken him up and left him with the kids while I went out and did errands - so I don't know why you didn't.
He can have a day off from work - but he doesn't get a say off from parenting when he's had two nights out over the weekend. That was his time off!

rwalker · 27/03/2023 21:23

Bit of an unspoken rule in our house but both of us get a free pass the next day after b out

DivaBeliever · 27/03/2023 21:24

Just think how much simpler life would be without him...
Just for a minute...
Without the "he's the father of my children" stuff.
Just think...
This isn't a ltb post; you are obviously capable and strong and have created a family you are committed to.
But it sounds like he's your fifth child and the least likeable.
You are doing your best. Is he?

Codlingmoths · 27/03/2023 21:27

if we’re so equal you can come and kiss me when I’ve had two days where I’ve done 20 minutes wiping the bathroom and nothing else while the dc are all looked after nonstop by you and taken out etc plus cooking and picking up around the house with no whining while I lie in bed or the bath. That should happen regularly if we are so equal, also one whiny comment from you and it won’t count and you have to wait until next time.

Botw1 · 27/03/2023 21:29

Is no one ever allowed a day off?

FictionalCharacter · 27/03/2023 21:31

@Quinniebellie I’d still love to know why he has 2 baths in one day. And why he wallows in the bath for 40 minutes.
On second thoughts I don’t want to know what he’s doing in the bath for 40 minutes. Ugh. But nobody who has been doing nothing all day needs a second bath in the evening.
No, your setup isn’t normal/ common. Your DH is selfish and lazy.

DemonSpawn · 27/03/2023 21:34

Every time he does this book yourself a spa day.

JennyDarlingRIP · 27/03/2023 21:35

No this is not normal. You've chosen together to have FOUR children, that's hard work for both parents.
Today I got up this morning got myself ready, did nothing for DS other than give him a cuddle, went to work, finished work went to a gym class, showered then had a coffee with a classmate. Came home, now have my feet up, DS is in bed, DH is in the bath which I understand nauseates some MNers. He can crack on as far as I'm concerned, he's had DS all day, three meals, bath, bed, took him to the library, park and to gymnastics class, he's washed and dried three loads of laundry. He works FT over 4 days the same as I do. My NWD is Friday he has Monday. He isn't a superhero, he's a grown up.

Evenin · 27/03/2023 21:40

YANBU!

FinallyHere · 27/03/2023 21:41

when I do ever get chance to chill I feel so guilty about it

He is relying on this.

I think you have two options, insist on your chill time and let go the guilt or...

carry on with unfair division of chill time.

AmIbeingTreasonable · 27/03/2023 21:48

He is not "entitled" to any more chill time than you are. Tell him this and tell him the times you'll be having your chill time. Stick to it and don't cave in.

Mumsanetta · 27/03/2023 21:48

I do stand up to him about it, I don’t enable it - but what am I supposed to do? He’s a grown man I can’t physically force him to get up and do stuff can I?

@Quinniebellie its never nice to hear it but, yes, you do enable it. E.g. you had the option of leaving the children with him while you went out on errands but you didn’t, you chose to martyr yourself. It’s all well and good telling him what he needs to do but talk is cheap - force him to step up by just walking out the door and getting on with what you need to do. That is the difference between being an annoyed doormat and actually standing up to him.

And how does he manage to simultaneously have a high standard of cleaning whilst doing a wipe over of the bathroom and fuck all all day? Do you point this sort of shit out to him and proceed to completely ignore him when he starts his banter?

As for the banter? What’s your response to him? Whatever it is it’s benign enough that he continues with the banter.

Acknowledging that your response to him is part of the problem gives you an immense amount of power because, yes, you can’t make a grown man do something but you can make his laziness incredibly uncomfortable for him so he chooses to pull his weight (or fucks off).

IndigoLight · 27/03/2023 21:48

ExtraOnions · 27/03/2023 18:04

Stop enabling his behaviour.

This. You are the one enabling it with all this 'thinking he'll help' but not actually saying it to him! Why aren't you telling him to get up and do something instead of running around ??

AuntMarch · 27/03/2023 21:55

blubberball · 27/03/2023 20:49

What's the point of him? Might as well be a single parent. At least you wouldn't have him loafing around your house for days, running baths for himself.

I'm a single parent, people often say "I don't know how you do it", which makes no sense to me.

All it means is I am only looking after myself and DC, I get 48 hours a fortnight to myself and don't have anyone to argue with about how clean anything is (or isn't).
Sounds a lot better than the deal a lot of women on mumsnet with men at home seem to have landed themselves with!

SD1978 · 27/03/2023 21:59

What have you actually said? Because it sounds like you've martyred yourself by running around, and not once told him to get off his arse. The kids didn't need to come on the errand- leave them with their dad. He's been a massive arse, but you've facilitated that all day, and now have the rage? I would have had it be 8am......

Original poster

Quinniebellie · 27/03/2023 22:04

After reading a lot of these comments, the majority of you say I’m enabling his behaviour and I’m starting to think you’re right. I am a bit of a doormat, always have been. Not just with DH but everyone, I’m a people pleaser and will do what I can to avoid conflict or someone being annoyed with me. So yeah I probably do enable it because it’s easier. If I’d have left the DC with him today to run errands he would have been pissed because he wanted to sleep, he might not have said that to me but I know he would have been impatient with the DC and then moody when I got back. I’d have felt guilty and rushed what I was doing to get back. I realise how stupid that sounds because they’re his kids too.. but when he’s had days off before and I ask him to have the kids he’ll say things like “I would normally be working today so what would you have done then?” Ie this is my day off so you carry on as if I’m not here.

I was bought up in a house where mom did everything, I don’t have any memory of dad doing the normal day to day chores or anything. He had a busy job so I guess in my mind, if the man works a busy/demanding job they shouldn't need to do as much when at home. I don’t actually think that, but I think it’s in my subconscious. Keep him sweet and all that.

it’s ridiculous I know, and clearly from reading this thread I’m a bit of an idiot and need to implement some changes. The more I think about it the more I think our lives are completely unfair. But he doesn’t agree so how do I change that?!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2023 22:07

he’ll say things like “I would normally be working today so what would you have done then?” Ie this is my day off so you carry on as if I’m not here.

You could have fun with that.

What would you do if I was run over/eaten by a lion/struck by lightning? Would you parent then?

Botw1 · 27/03/2023 22:08

You start by working on stopping caring if he's moody with you and trying to even up the amount of free time you both have.

A day off work as a parent isn't a day off, so no. You dont carry on as if he's not there on his day off unless there is an agreement he does the same for you on your day off

Also stop giving into the 'banter'.

He can't have it both ways. If he's allowed to do fuck all so are you and if he wants the house cleaned to a standard he can clean it.

Antiquiteas · 27/03/2023 22:21

What a useless, self-indulgent prick. Chuck a toaster in his third bath of the day.

maddy68 · 27/03/2023 22:22

You are enabling this behaviour.

Tell him to man the fuck up. It's fine he goes out but it's not ok to allow this to interfere with family life and commitment

Mumsanetta · 27/03/2023 22:23

Your last post is very insightful. So you are the way you are because of your upbringing and the parental roles and relationships that were modelled to you. The dynamic you currently have with your DH will have a similar effect on your children and in 20 years time there is a good chance that they too will be doormats (in the nicest possible way) or, if they are boys, will be treating their wives the way your DH treats you and your dad treated your mum.

There’s lots that you can do to make your relationship fairer. There’s something about the way you come across, I can tell you’re a good mum. How do you manage your children’s behaviour? I bet you don’t give in to tantrums because you know that short term discomfort is worth the future reward of enforced boundaries. Do the same with your DH, ignore the moodiness and the attempts to punish you by being short tempered with the children when he’s looking after them. He will adjust. Have some therapy to identify why you’re such a people pleaser - therapy is a great act of self care and something you can do with the extra time you will have when you make your DH step up. And when forcing your DH to pull his weight feels too much like hard work and not worth it, go back to your post and consider the impact that your parents’ relationship had on you.

Nosleepforthismum · 28/03/2023 00:00

You’ve got yourself in a bit of a pickle OP with this one. He likes the status quo and will be resistant to change. You need to become (in his probable view) a mega bitch and you need to be proud to become one. Start with a calm, assertive chat where you say “I’m fed up of you going out on a mad one at the weekend and the next entire day being an entire write off where you expect me to literally do everything while you flop about uselessly being hungover. You are no longer 20, you have 4 kids and need to grow up.” Then, next time he says he’s heading out to the pub, tell him to have a great time but remind him that you are meeting a friend for breakfast so he’ll have to get up with the kids and that you expect him to fully participate in family time when you get back until the children go to bed.

If he ignores the above and falls back asleep in the morning for example, I’ve found a short, sharp “GET THE FUCK UP” will usually work.

He is currently taking the piss OP and you need to really nip this in the bud now before you get completely burnt out.

Original poster

Quinniebellie · 28/03/2023 07:16

You’re not gonna believe this, but he got up this morning and is running another bloody bath. Que the next 40 mins of him being useless again.

He slept on the sofa, I didn’t wake him to come to bed so he ended up there all night - undisturbed. While I had 2 DC in bed with me all over me, 2 bed wetting incidents and DD waking once. So at 6.30 when DS wanted to go downstairs I sent him down to DH, he came back 5 mins later saying daddy shouted at me. Meaning DS will have woken him up and DH snapped at him.

so we all went downstairs, DH got up and ran a bath.

I’m losing the will. I don’t like baths personally, but I don’t even get the chance to shower every day, I wash my hair once a week. I could never imagine having 3 showers let alone baths in 24 hours

wtf

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 28/03/2023 08:03

Sadly yes it is entirely believeabke and not at all surprising

but reread what you are saying that he keeps you in line but be8ng snappy at the kids and making you question your reasonableness whilst maintaining the idea he does 50/50

i agree therapy and stop doing it all because you can’t win. He is going to be moody and grumpy no matter what you do you can’t change that. So stop trying to please him. If th8ngs are done he either does them or not

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/03/2023 08:04

So what are you going to do about this set up OP?

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