Husband never appreciates my cooking

[Unappreciatedcook]

Background - busy household - older kids in an out.
I feel like my husband never appreciates my cooking. I cook almost every night because I like to eat healthily and prefer food made from scratch.

If I ask him to ‘cook’ it will mean takeaway or eating out. He can cook and occasionally will do so, but only when it’s a special meal, usually expensive and unhealthy (think towering multilayer burgers) which everyone will make a big fuss of how amazing it is and massage his ego.

I do the everyday cooking. I do the magic of making tasty meals out of nothing when the cupboards are running low or the everyday healthy meals I’m creative and like to try new recipes which usually work well and I think I’m a pretty good cook after 30 years of making dinner.
Ive explained many times that I need to feel appreciated - we’ve only been married 5 years and I used to get zero acknowledgement- so we’ve improved slightly but I get a forced ‘it’s nice thank you’ whilst he eats it with a face like I’m torturing him (I swear I’m not a bad cook!).

I think I’ve been spoilt by my Dads example. When I was little he’d sit to the table with enthusiasm for what my mum had cooked, tuck in with gusto, take a bite and say immediately ‘that’s delicious!’ And carry on making a fuss of her and thanking her for cooking. The one time she actually made a bad meal is legendary in family history as we all tried to soldier through and be polite still!

I honestly often feel utter RAGE when I serve up a dinner (after a full day of work) that’s taken my creative effort and time ,tastes amazing and is good for you and I get zero enthusiasm, often silence (till he sees the look on my face and remembers) and then get a lame ‘this is nice thank you’ or he forgets so now I just ask ‘how is it?’ And usually get ‘its alright’.
I just don’t get it.

To me it’s manners as much as anything. My grown sons get it. They’re wonderful and appreciative and complimentary on the occasions they still eat here. He’s seen their example. I’ve explained what I need. Help me understand!? Or am I being unreasonable???

Stop cooking for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

^This.

Just cook for you and your DS if they're around.

I think I’ve been spoilt by my Dads example. When I was little he’d sit to the table with enthusiasm for what my mum had cooked, tuck in with gusto, take a bite and say immediately ‘that’s delicious!’ And carry on making a fuss of her and thanking her for cooking.

You have been spoilt. What you've described is nice, but I couldn't be doing with it every night.
Cook what you want to cook, enjoy it, and give yourself a pat on the back.
As long as everyone says thanks, that's all it needs to be.
My DH is the only one to cut the grass and put the bins out, I don't gush over it every time.

Just say to him that you realise he doesn't like your cooking and that is fine so from now on you'll just cook for the boys and you and he can have food that he'd prefer. And stick with it.

Making a healthy dinner every day is a big deal (I've done it for years). It should be appreciated. Also, I don't tolerate big performative cooking once or twice a year. I'm darned if I'm going to sit at my thanksgiving table while everyone compliments dh for cooking the turkey when I do the daily slog day in day out.

I think your DH does sound a bit ungrateful, he should be thanking you for every meal you make him, but it also sounds like your dad was a bit over the top.

How can the OP's food sound bland and dull when she hasn't given a description of even one meal?

Because the law of mumsnet means you need to be a snipey bastard just to make people feel shit perhaps?

Waiting for the posts demanding to know her recipes so they can be properly berated any minute....

I don't think you should be expecting praise for producing an everyday meal. You have allowed the situation to develop where you do the cooking, so it's on you if you're not happy about it.

You can't change someone. If you want him to step up and cook more often, you'll have to allow him to cook the meals he likes. Or you can both agree not to cook for each other. Let him get his own.

Life is easier when you accept others for who they are. Doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself though.

@Pallisers I was thinking that! Can you give examples of what meals you do @Unappreciatedcook. If your DH doesn't appreciate your meals then he should cook more. We are a family that always says thank you to the person who cooked the meal. If it is a new recipe we might discuss how it could be improved or whether it is something we would like again

There's literally no effort involved to say a bit of thanks to someone who has cooked you dinner every night. Putting the bins and and cutting the grass is a once a week thing (if that). Cooking dinner is a daily task, that involves thought, pre planning recipes, shopping for said items and then cooking from scratch.

My husband does thank me every night for dinner. Sometimes it's with more enthusiasm than others as not every night is Cordon Bleu. And thats absolutely fine with me. I thank him for all the amazing DIY he does, I'd also thank him if he cut the grass too. It takes 2 seconds to show appreciation.

Is this the one sticking point of feeling unappreciated?

I’ll be honest - my husband cooks for me, and I pretty much don’t care. He cooks lovely meals, but it doesn’t actually save me any work because I don’t really care that much about food, and it would be no hardship to stick a tub of soup in the microwave, or have a bagel.

Now I have manners so I do always say thank you. But of all the things he brings to our marriage - cooking just isn’t something I value. He hasn’t even really done it “for me” - he’s done what he wants to do, I just get the benefit of it. But the benefit isn’t huge - and I wonder if that’s where your husband is coming from too?

I think he’s showing too little appreciation - but it sounds like you’re expecting too much, possibly? If my husband reacted to my cooking the way your dad did to your mum all the time, it would irritate the shit out of me! Too much of a performance for me. I’d want a thank you and if it was particularly to their taste definitely like to hear it. But not the performance every day.

He should be saying thank you every mean time though.

Well exactly. And if you know one tiny thing that you don't care about either way, means a lot to the person you're spending your life with, it's nice to do it. Don't other posters ever like to do nice things for your OHs?

If you just stopped cooking for him, what would he do? Surely not eat takeaways forever?

I don't need fanfare or falling at my feet with appreciation, but a non-forced thank you is basic manners. Like hell would I be cooking every night for a thankless Neanderthal.

i expect a show of appreciation, pretty much like i give to DH when he cooks.
and i get very annoyed if he doesnt show appreciation

My partner is female and does almost all the cooking (because she loves it - I act as her sous chef).

I compliment her on every meal she produces. Costs me nothing and she appreciates it.

@TomatoFrog she says she does that when the cupboards are running low not everyday and most people don’t have the time or money to make the meals her DH makes occasionally

Mine is like this too. I do all the cooking...which is fine...I'm a sahm of teens so I have plenty of time. However he will say thank you but never show genuine gratitude or say it tastes nice. Not to boast but I'm a really good cook and make really nice food for him. I once asked him why he never said my food tastes good...he told me it did but it's meant to be good so why would he need to say that!? I often see other men really compliment their wives cooking and it upsets me that he doesn't.

Thank you. My cooking is not bland and boring. I often make new recipes and we have a lot of variety - I can be creative with very little when necessary but usually have a good selection of ingredients on hand and use plenty of herbs and spices. Eating well/healthily does not = boring

YANBU.

I do most of the family cooking as DH works long hours. It is a faff as DH has certain dietary requirements. However he appreciates it. I don't want a thank you daily but a few times a month would be nice.

When I’ve been away he has literally had takeaway every night. The sad thing is it’s our time to reconnect after work, so if I did just stop cooking for him I think we’d lose that, but yeah it’s my choice to carry on!

@inky1991 my post literally says, 'as long as everyone says thanks, that's all it needs to be.'

OP comes across as wanting a big performance over her meal every night. Why? Of course her family, DH included, should show their appreciation, but it shouldn't need a fanfare.

I cook dinner every night so I understand wanting people to say thanks, but... thats it.

Thank you! I’m sorry you have this too, but it’s nice to feel that someone understands x

Your stressing the healthy meals vs. your DH's taste for the "unhealthy burgers" sounds like you're into probably lighter and probably more vegetable based meals.
Do you nag him for his choice of meals? If he gets nagged, he may be less prone to compliment on your cooking, that's basic psychology.

Btw, nothing wrong with a good burger and it's actually an art to make it right.