Husband never appreciates my cooking

[Unappreciatedcook]

Background - busy household - older kids in an out.
I feel like my husband never appreciates my cooking. I cook almost every night because I like to eat healthily and prefer food made from scratch.

If I ask him to ‘cook’ it will mean takeaway or eating out. He can cook and occasionally will do so, but only when it’s a special meal, usually expensive and unhealthy (think towering multilayer burgers) which everyone will make a big fuss of how amazing it is and massage his ego.

I do the everyday cooking. I do the magic of making tasty meals out of nothing when the cupboards are running low or the everyday healthy meals I’m creative and like to try new recipes which usually work well and I think I’m a pretty good cook after 30 years of making dinner.
Ive explained many times that I need to feel appreciated - we’ve only been married 5 years and I used to get zero acknowledgement- so we’ve improved slightly but I get a forced ‘it’s nice thank you’ whilst he eats it with a face like I’m torturing him (I swear I’m not a bad cook!).

I think I’ve been spoilt by my Dads example. When I was little he’d sit to the table with enthusiasm for what my mum had cooked, tuck in with gusto, take a bite and say immediately ‘that’s delicious!’ And carry on making a fuss of her and thanking her for cooking. The one time she actually made a bad meal is legendary in family history as we all tried to soldier through and be polite still!

I honestly often feel utter RAGE when I serve up a dinner (after a full day of work) that’s taken my creative effort and time ,tastes amazing and is good for you and I get zero enthusiasm, often silence (till he sees the look on my face and remembers) and then get a lame ‘this is nice thank you’ or he forgets so now I just ask ‘how is it?’ And usually get ‘its alright’.
I just don’t get it.

To me it’s manners as much as anything. My grown sons get it. They’re wonderful and appreciative and complimentary on the occasions they still eat here. He’s seen their example. I’ve explained what I need. Help me understand!? Or am I being unreasonable???

Exactly - I just expect the same back. I do show a lot of appreciation when he does cook - I’ve tried holding back to make a point once or twice but my manners get the better of me

Do people need large shows of appreciation every night?

It sounds like you love cooking, it sounds like he isn’t really bothered what he eats. Yabu to martyr yourself cooking then expect a fanfare, when no one asked you to.

Cook for him less 🤷‍♀️

Nope never judge what he eats

My DH is a bit like this. I've started saying "dd and me are having x. Do you want some cause you moaned or didn't like it last time"

I don't know if he really hates my cooking or if it's a don't want to back down thing but he's been living off Asda healthy microwave meals for about a month now.

I have no fucks to give

You are choosing to do the sort of cooking that takes you time and effort every night. Your DH would likely be happy with anything that was put in front of him even if it came out of a jar or packet. It’s ridiculous that you should feel rage over not getting enough appreciation when your DH does say thank you.

I expect a thank you. Without that he'd be cooking his own.

I do not expect gushing fanfare. That's ridiculous. If something happens to be right up his street I may get more vocal praise or whatever but its natural.

Fanfare and false gushing would piss me off as much as no thanks.

Maybe he's just not a foody? Not that interested. Perhaps he's as happy with a big mac as he is with a gourmet meal. One of these "food is fuel" types.
I have a friend like that. Whatever she eats she just wolfs it down, doesn't even seen to taste it.

Some people just aren't into food in the same way. DH does not appreciate home cooking and have different likes food wise to me. So I'm not busting a gut every evening. Perhaps your DH is the same.? In which case he's unlikely to change imo.
Very occasionally I will cook something different and get appreciation.

A friend has always praised her husband's cooking to high heaven. He does all the cooking. Quite a smart move on her part.

That's sad, to think OP is 'spoilt'.

Everyone in our family gushes over the cook, whichever of us it is that meal. Bins out gets a thank you, but shopping, cooking, perfecting over time... that gets the love.

Tbh I do think it's unreasonable to expect much more than a smile and a thank you every night. I'm unsure how the labour is split in your household but let's asdume(and stereotype) thst he works full time/is bread winner. Do you thank him and show true appreciation for him going to work and paying the mortgage.
Now if you get 'dumped' with cooking that's a different matter. Could you suggest that he cooks one eve thurs/fri but it needs to be a healthy meal because you've got something 'dirty and delicious' planned for the weekend? Oh and do not sign up to 'I'll cook, you clean'...we all know how that one goes.

It’s not the only thing. There are other similar issues - lack of comment/compliments on a new haircut or outfit etc. that kind of thing.

I think you’re right and he is probably not that bothered about home cooked every day foods. He eats really quickly like it’s a chore and only seems to really enjoy expensive junk food - gourmet burgers, American bbq that type of thing.

Also, stop cooking for him.

My dh says thank you. My 18 year old will say thank you. I thank them when they cook.

My brother is a bit like your dad and will be counting down until the next meal and being all excited, he'll also comment how delicious it is after almost every mouthful and it actually drives sil nuts because it's every day and every meal and she tells him there's no need, a simple thank you and a that was nice is more than enough for an everyday basic meal.

He's in his 40s now and has done that all his life and we think it's because as kids, the sucking up got him bigger portions or first refusal if leftovers. Sil thought it was because my Mam was just a terrible cook until she saw him behave the same over beans on toast at Mam's He just loves food.

I got two paragraphs in to your post and thought "stop cooking".

Your husband doesn't appreciate this, so perhaps cut back to cook when you have company who does like it.

He should show appreciation for your effort and time but if he is not that keen on what you cooked then that's just his taste. I would still cook as it suits your schedule, but not make a big effort for him.

There are some right cats on tonight. Is it really too much to ask that the DH say thankyou, especially at the end of a long day.

Hope he, at least, loads the dishwasher...

So dh does 95% of the cooking. I always, without fail thank him for cooking. The reason? When I was with my ex I did 95% of the cooking for a family of 5. I truly appreciate how much effort goes into cooking and I am very grateful that I no longer have to do all the work.
Op if I were you I would say oh next week I’m not cooking and don’t. I can guarantee your dh will be pig sick of take away burgers and/or cooking by the end of the week. If your dh asks why tell him. Say you never seem to appreciate what I do, so I’m not doing it.

Sounds like the types of things you like to eat/cook are polar opposites. So you're expecting fanfare for something that'd probably just ok to him. Out of interest, do you give rapturous praise to his burgers when he makes them? Or just sneer at everyone else fawning over them? If he says thank you for the meal, that should be enough. And vice versa.

Ok,, this is mumsnet, we all know this responses will validate you. The reality is, real life isn’t mumsnet, he won’t be coming in his shorts over your cooking, a simple thanks that was lovely is normal. Your sons have been taught well, they understand they validation you need. So they give it to you. Likely with a roll of the eye behind your back..

It’s the martyr thing f I can’t go, the whole I do this through choice but you all need to grovel and thank me. I grew up with it, nah, not for me op. I really hope they tell you to do one.

do you sit and do a meal plan together? So you know it’s meals you both want. Maybe then he can cook some of them, if it’s all preplanned. My DH doesn’t have much imagination with ingredients but happy to follow a receipe. I think you’ve been spoiled a bit by your own dad, sounds a bit OTT to me. A thanks, this is nice, is sufficient in my eyes! Especially for a week night quick dinner

I get you @Unappreciatedcook. We have a Spanish lad living with us that never says thanks or compliments dinner and I find it insulting as I know I'm a good cook. If my DH did this I think I'd lose the plot.

Dh was like this, worse actually as he criticised my food. The day he took his tea down the garden and fed it to the chickens was the last time I cooked for him. Twenty years ago. We’re probably both happier.

I think you need to start being honest with him. He need to cook every other meal and when it's shit, you need to tell him. Why do we continue to treat men like gods? Such fragile egos.