Husband never appreciates my cooking

[Unappreciatedcook]

Background - busy household - older kids in an out.
I feel like my husband never appreciates my cooking. I cook almost every night because I like to eat healthily and prefer food made from scratch.

If I ask him to ‘cook’ it will mean takeaway or eating out. He can cook and occasionally will do so, but only when it’s a special meal, usually expensive and unhealthy (think towering multilayer burgers) which everyone will make a big fuss of how amazing it is and massage his ego.

I do the everyday cooking. I do the magic of making tasty meals out of nothing when the cupboards are running low or the everyday healthy meals I’m creative and like to try new recipes which usually work well and I think I’m a pretty good cook after 30 years of making dinner.
Ive explained many times that I need to feel appreciated - we’ve only been married 5 years and I used to get zero acknowledgement- so we’ve improved slightly but I get a forced ‘it’s nice thank you’ whilst he eats it with a face like I’m torturing him (I swear I’m not a bad cook!).

I think I’ve been spoilt by my Dads example. When I was little he’d sit to the table with enthusiasm for what my mum had cooked, tuck in with gusto, take a bite and say immediately ‘that’s delicious!’ And carry on making a fuss of her and thanking her for cooking. The one time she actually made a bad meal is legendary in family history as we all tried to soldier through and be polite still!

I honestly often feel utter RAGE when I serve up a dinner (after a full day of work) that’s taken my creative effort and time ,tastes amazing and is good for you and I get zero enthusiasm, often silence (till he sees the look on my face and remembers) and then get a lame ‘this is nice thank you’ or he forgets so now I just ask ‘how is it?’ And usually get ‘its alright’.
I just don’t get it.

To me it’s manners as much as anything. My grown sons get it. They’re wonderful and appreciative and complimentary on the occasions they still eat here. He’s seen their example. I’ve explained what I need. Help me understand!? Or am I being unreasonable???

He doesn’t like the same food that you do.

DH has just thanked me for the boring roast vegetable and halloumi salad I made for dinner. It does help with the drudgery.
He doesn't thank me daily but at least once or twice a week.
I'd stop cooking for your DH and let him get his own meals.

Isn't your dad's behaviour the reverse of what is complained about on these boards, when a man does a household task and expects to be gushed over? I mean I might say "Thanks for doing dinner" if I was especially tired or ill and the bloke had made dinner, but I would be equally likely to say "thanks for sorting dinner" if he ordered a takeaway - and often wouldn't say it at all. Household life would be very tiring if we had to go through a performance every time our partners did something.

Also when someone makes a great hoo-ha about how wonderful the meal is every single time, how do you know when you've really done excelled yourself? There is nowhere to go.

Have free supplies of bitch juice been going through the doors today or something?? I totally get the OP, my H is a foodie , loves good food and thanks are sometimes a bit lacking- in my Hs case it's usually that something work wise is pissing him off and he's still looking at his emails in an evening and simply forgets - like the OP I find it bloody rude too when it happens.

If they are raving about a take away or his burgers then they are maybe eating too much healthy/bland food maybe? I know when I'm on a health kick it gets very boring very quickly. I like middle of the range meals between super healthy and a bit of naughty sometimes, true variety.

Tell me about these amazing multi layer burgers...

Menu plan as a family. Make him cook the boring stuff too.

Thank you, yeah I wasn’t spoilt. My Dad set a wonderful example of how to be a great father and husband and has loved and appreciated my Mum for over 50 years. I’m very lucky.

Why do people think healthy food is bland? Totally the opposite. Maybe you need some cooking lessons

good advice - I know he hates fish so I do take this approach on the 2 or 3 times a month I make a fish meal. I might just take that approach for everything- give him more options to eat rubbish

Thank you! To be honest I think that’s often the case with him. We eat at the table and no phones but I think he’s often still in work mode

How on earth can you make that judgement?? It makes you sound like an eater of burgers and pizzas

The forward slash means "or". So healthy/bland meant healthy OR bland. I dont need any cooking lessons thanks, no need to be rude I wasn't rude to you. I just said maybe they are eating too much of the same type of thing and not enough variety. They are all raving over his meals and not yours, I could say maybe it's you that needs the cooking lessons but I'm not rude.

Lol at posters saying OP’s dad was over the top. I am assuming OP’s mum was, at least for a time, a SAHM. So it’s very kind of the dad to acknowledge her efforts and make her feel good about herself after a full-on day of looking after young children, housework and cooking.

In our house I cook all dinners. I’m not a great cook, and I prioritise nutrition over taste. DH only really likes a limited selection of meals, but eats whatever I’ve cooked. He thanks me for dinner before he’s even tried it, so it’s just manners, doesn’t reflect the taste of the food.

We may be an odd family but to us food is mostly fuel - put some meat/fish together, throw 3-4 vegetables on top, sorted.

Do you go into raptures when he puts the bins out?
Do you swoon when puts the toilet seat down to have a wee?
Do you clap your hands with glee when he vacuums?

Probably not

It sounds like it's all a bit forced and he feels like he HAS to compliment you so it's meaningless

I get a 'thanks that was lovely' now and again, and that's enough for me

Is he appreciative of you in other ways? It sounds like he doesn’t really like the food or he’d prefer something else if he has to be prompted to say it’s nice everytime

It sounds like he likes different food to you.

You get to choose your preferred foods the majority of the time. He thanks you for cooking. He's not likely to go into raptures over healthy grilled meat and veg type meals if his tastes are stacked burgers, fried food and takeaways!

As long as he is saying thank you, I think that's enough. If you really want him to express more delight about the food you cook, maybe try cooking him his preferred meals once or twice a week.

If there's a general sense of unequal share of responsibilities leading to you generally feeling unappreciated, address that, and get him to cook more often.

Needing someone to go into performative raptures over everyday food is a bit much though. A simple "thank you for dinner" will suffice.

@Unappreciatedcook I cook relatively healthy too as I need to lose a ton of weight and suddenly developed neuro issues with gluten too. I used to think people were making this shit up, till it happened to me- apparently very common in your 60's (especially if overweight) . My healthy cooking stuff is not bland or boring! Stuff like punch of noms chicken in creamy mushroom sauce with spinach on whole grain rice is restaurant standard! Personally I think burgers and barbecue food are pretty boring. We are all different. My H likes oriental, especially Japanese so I do things like Teriyaki stir fried beef with sesame or miso Aubergine or prawn and chicken curries - some people have weird ideas of bland and boring- can only conclude they live on KFC ( which my H wouldn't thank you for) . If it is that your H would be happier on burgers and fried chicken then I would suggest he cooks for himself

You say that he does thank you.

Personally, I couldn't be doing with having to make a massive fanfare every night the way your dad did when you were growing up. It's just not necessary.

A "thank you, it's lovely" should be all that's required - no need for all the gushing.

This. Agree he should say thanks but expecting a huge gushing acknowledgement every single day is a bit much. It could very well be that he is just not that bothered about something you value - to him the meal tastes fine (not amazing) but he would be just as happy with a quick salad or toasted sandwich whatever.

You care about affordable and healthy meals with a lot of variety, which is great but others don't. There's a limit to how much you can applaud something which you really don't give a shit about.

An ex dp used to expect this whenever he washed my car -obviously I said thank you and understood he had spent a lot of time washing, buffing, polishing etc but I literally could not care how clean my car was. It seemed entirely pointless to me because it would get dirty again within a day or two so to me it represented a bit of a waste of time and effort so there was a limit to how enthusiastic I could get about it -if I'd gone ott I would have felt fake. If he'd "punished" me for not being sufficiently enthusiastic I wouldn't have cared at all, in fact would have preferred to not have to go through the whole charade!

So feel free to stop cooking for him if it bugs you that much but be prepared for the fact that he might not really be bothered and it might start ructions when DC start moaning about dad eating chips while you're having your tagine or whatever.

Sorry should have clarified -if he'd punished me by not washing the car for me again I would have been happy. Not a random "punishment" (that sounded a bit dodgy)

We turned it into a joke, DHs need to applauded for having put a meal on the table, something I did most days. The kids would do a hugely exaggerated thank you.

I stepped back from cooking, he now cooks quite a lot of the time...we made a joke of the fact that fishfingers, chips and peas was his default.

I'll sometimes go for a walk after work and leave the stuff out that is to be cooked, and then I started just going for a walk and he works something out.

He does far more of the shopping now.

He's more appreciative of my cooking now.

It too about 3 years of chipping away.

It's worth it as I like him and he has other strengths. If I didn't I'd have been long gone.

Have you tried not cooking one evening? A pile of buttered bread and a jar of jam marmite, marmalade on the table.
I have sympathy for you. My xp wouldn't eat anything I cooked as I was apparently trying to poison him....

There is honour in just preparing a loving, quality meal for your family. You know it's good, they know it's good - you don't need to be told every time. Be secure in the knowledge that you already know it's good. Otherwise it's just going to feel forced every time. Then if your husband does make a point of saying how nice something it will be more special and real.

There is honour in just preparing a loving, quality meal for your family.

<<< STEPFORD 100 METRES<<<

DH is like this. So I stopped cooking for him and only made food for DS and I in exactly 1.5 portions so there was nothing leftover for him. After a few months of eating his pissy attempts at cooking, I made him something out of the blue the other day and he loved it. Couldn’t stop praising me.