Husband never appreciates my cooking

[Unappreciatedcook]

Background - busy household - older kids in an out.
I feel like my husband never appreciates my cooking. I cook almost every night because I like to eat healthily and prefer food made from scratch.

If I ask him to ‘cook’ it will mean takeaway or eating out. He can cook and occasionally will do so, but only when it’s a special meal, usually expensive and unhealthy (think towering multilayer burgers) which everyone will make a big fuss of how amazing it is and massage his ego.

I do the everyday cooking. I do the magic of making tasty meals out of nothing when the cupboards are running low or the everyday healthy meals I’m creative and like to try new recipes which usually work well and I think I’m a pretty good cook after 30 years of making dinner.
Ive explained many times that I need to feel appreciated - we’ve only been married 5 years and I used to get zero acknowledgement- so we’ve improved slightly but I get a forced ‘it’s nice thank you’ whilst he eats it with a face like I’m torturing him (I swear I’m not a bad cook!).

I think I’ve been spoilt by my Dads example. When I was little he’d sit to the table with enthusiasm for what my mum had cooked, tuck in with gusto, take a bite and say immediately ‘that’s delicious!’ And carry on making a fuss of her and thanking her for cooking. The one time she actually made a bad meal is legendary in family history as we all tried to soldier through and be polite still!

I honestly often feel utter RAGE when I serve up a dinner (after a full day of work) that’s taken my creative effort and time ,tastes amazing and is good for you and I get zero enthusiasm, often silence (till he sees the look on my face and remembers) and then get a lame ‘this is nice thank you’ or he forgets so now I just ask ‘how is it?’ And usually get ‘its alright’.
I just don’t get it.

To me it’s manners as much as anything. My grown sons get it. They’re wonderful and appreciative and complimentary on the occasions they still eat here. He’s seen their example. I’ve explained what I need. Help me understand!? Or am I being unreasonable???

My DH isn't a very good cook. When he was single he lived on oven pizzas and ready made stir fry kits. I cook fairly well and with variety and care. He always tells me thank you and compliments the meal even when it's only ok. I heat up leftovers and put them in a food flask for him every day and he texts me when he's eating it to say thank you. This makes me want to continue doing it! If he showed no appreciation I wouldn't bother TBH.

@RowenaEllis but in this case he says thank you he just doesn't show genuine pleasure

So he does say thank you

He doesn’t go further and say it was delicious etc

The obvious conclusion is, he doesn’t find it delicious.

Maybe you have different tastes, maybe he’s a “food is fuel” person, maybe he only really enjoys fat laden takeaway type food.

Would you like him to lie?

^^ Totally agree with this!

All of the work that traditionally fell to women is not valued highly enough and often taken for granted. But it does take a lot of consistent time and effort.

I got very cross in my household because my efforts were only noticed when I hadn’t done them for some reason or very occasionally something went wrong. The 98% of the time when everything ran smoothly, I received very few thank yous.

If more men took on the burden of keeping a household clean and tidy, plus did all of the cooking and laundry, I bet we would see swathes of posts on Instagram from them feeling undervalued and how these tasks were essential to a family’s wellbeing.

Op in your shoes I would step back a lot from doing all of the cooking and please yourself more when it comes to food choices. Your kids are older so everyone can take a turn. Allocate days of the week. Give yourself three evenings so you don’t all die of scurvy and then let everyone else take care of the rest.

Your dh may be one of these people who just isn’t remotely interested in food but it’s basic manners to say thank you and look appreciative. He sounds like an eight year old boy scowling at his plate and needs to grow up!

Yep, his definition of tasty is Op's definition of unhealthy.

The impact of food in a relationship is not to be underestimated. My parents (mostly) like the same style of food. Mealtimes were always full of genuine complements, it was lovely.

Dh and I do not like the same foods. I can either be complemented on food I personally think is meh, or get a thanks but no complement for food I think is nice.
It is not ideal.

Fascinating how so many men find their penises get in the way when they try to cook. It must be so inconvenient.

The key is to take action rather than allow resentment grow.

I just began saying when I was asked was there any dinner? " No, best sort yourself out via the pantry, fridge or freezer".

Combined with my being away, they quickly learned the way of the land.

The OP's husband doesn't appear to enjoy her food and has zero interest in sharing the load.

Best to eat earlier, something that can't be shared and keep saying sort yourself out, I have already snacked.

Dealing with the resentment quietly, without any comment or complaint, by simply stopping service was most affective here.

Between shopping, preparation and cooking, it is a daily dose IMO.

Not a chance I would do it without appreciation.

I am at an age where toast and soup is enjoyable, beans or eggs on toast or a toastie.

I'd happily ditch a traditional dinner most nights, preferably eating very lightly.

I think you back yourself into a corner if you expect adulation and praise for any task you perform for your family. Do you fall over yourself with gratitude and appreciation every time he does something for the family?

I would find that so fake and grating. Not everything is amazing, fantastic, delicious, the best ever. Cook a meal, do the laundry - I will say thanks but I am not going to fall over backwards with effusive praise as though you just cured cancer every time you wash a dish or boil pasta or fold the clothes.

Appreciation and gratitude to me isn't everyone in the house going overboard with praise and gratitude for every task every one does. I can't imagine needing to put on a show every time my husband comes back from walking the dog, something he does twice a day. He would also think I am very weird and annoying to make a big fuss with gusto about this after every walk. I don't even thank him every time he walks or feeds the dog. Nor does he thank me every time I weed the garden or vaccuum. I would actually find that such a bizarre way to live.

I think expecting a "Thanks, OP, this is lovely," for a meal is not asking much. It's basic manners. No matter who cooks a meal,we always thank them and express appreciation.

What I suspect, @Unappreciatedcook , is that your DH isn't remotely interested in eating healthy food and is more of a eat-to-live than a live-to-eat. So it barely registers with him.

Stop making him dinner.

I'm very late replying, have just read this, ad I'm in exactly the same situation.
I think the point being made, is not that she is expecting OTT praise etc, but it is just human, and courteous, and usually involuntary, to eat a bite of food, and say "mmm. That's really yummy/tasty/delicious" etc.
My husband is the same.
He will make comments about his mums, his own, and food at restaurant l, but rarely kine.
I am far from big headed, but I know I can cook.
I don't get it, I could slap him with frustration.
But I won't, but it really winds me up.

One thing I missed off when I replied at the time about my H being similar was he frequently puts the torch on his phone to poke around food to check that chicken is 100% thoroughly cooked etc - It really really pisses me off

Crikeyalmighty, yeah, that sounds very annoying.
Mine doesn't check that, but sometimes feel that he would be far more likely to make a criticism than a compliment about my cooking. Yet, we have had food at restaurants that hasn't been that great, and yet he seems to have enjoyed it, and not said anything negative.
It's almost like he doesn't like complimenting me on my cooking, like he's jealous in a really weird way.

I am in exactly the same position.
If I've put a plate of food, that was basically just an assembly job, or stuff stuck on tray in the oven, a simple thanks is fine. But when it's quite obvious, that I've really gone to an effort with the meal and presenting it really nicely, he'll never say "oh wow, that looks really nice" or even ask anything about the food, even if it's something that we've never had.
He might say, "thanks, that was all very nice", which might sound good, but it's said with so little sincerity or enthusiasm that it al.ost feels like a dig.
My kids (well young adults now) always comment, and will say if they weren't so keen, which I've always encouraged, I dont want to cook them stuff they don't like.
It hurts, and winds me up. He knows how important cooking is to me, and I know I do make nice food. He does cook, and I always genuinely will say how nice it is etc. Making me feel that I want to do to him same as he does to me, bit it's not in my nature to be like that.