Husband never appreciates my cooking

[Unappreciatedcook]

Background - busy household - older kids in an out.
I feel like my husband never appreciates my cooking. I cook almost every night because I like to eat healthily and prefer food made from scratch.

If I ask him to ‘cook’ it will mean takeaway or eating out. He can cook and occasionally will do so, but only when it’s a special meal, usually expensive and unhealthy (think towering multilayer burgers) which everyone will make a big fuss of how amazing it is and massage his ego.

I do the everyday cooking. I do the magic of making tasty meals out of nothing when the cupboards are running low or the everyday healthy meals I’m creative and like to try new recipes which usually work well and I think I’m a pretty good cook after 30 years of making dinner.
Ive explained many times that I need to feel appreciated - we’ve only been married 5 years and I used to get zero acknowledgement- so we’ve improved slightly but I get a forced ‘it’s nice thank you’ whilst he eats it with a face like I’m torturing him (I swear I’m not a bad cook!).

I think I’ve been spoilt by my Dads example. When I was little he’d sit to the table with enthusiasm for what my mum had cooked, tuck in with gusto, take a bite and say immediately ‘that’s delicious!’ And carry on making a fuss of her and thanking her for cooking. The one time she actually made a bad meal is legendary in family history as we all tried to soldier through and be polite still!

I honestly often feel utter RAGE when I serve up a dinner (after a full day of work) that’s taken my creative effort and time ,tastes amazing and is good for you and I get zero enthusiasm, often silence (till he sees the look on my face and remembers) and then get a lame ‘this is nice thank you’ or he forgets so now I just ask ‘how is it?’ And usually get ‘its alright’.
I just don’t get it.

To me it’s manners as much as anything. My grown sons get it. They’re wonderful and appreciative and complimentary on the occasions they still eat here. He’s seen their example. I’ve explained what I need. Help me understand!? Or am I being unreasonable???

I would absolutely hate a big fuss being made every night. How fake and condescending. We both do things for the family every day and I am not going to fall over myself making a fuss and praising and celebrating DH every day for doing laundry and he isn’t going to do the same for me putting dinner on the table.

I am team DH as I would absolutely hate that kind of marriage. The insincerity and over the top fuss making would drive me insane.

sounds like a personality clash
my ex was rotten but the one thing he did do was hype up my cooking and make me blush, he was very charming

😂😂😂omg

I do the cooking here and I wouldn't tolerate not being thanked for a minute.

But I have gotten a lot crankier over the last few years and have zero tolerance for not being appreciated.

Having your children late and still having to be doing daily dinners for teens at nearly 60 is not something you think about when having babies in your 40's!

My food is tasty even when simple and the fact I have prepared it means not thanking me is not an option.

Earlier this summer people were a bit slack about telling me if they were home for meals or not etc.

I said no problem at all, I will leave you all to it.

Minimal shopping as I went away for a couple of mini breaks, and no cooking at all for nearly 4 weeks.

Put manners on them all pretty quick.

It was a most pleasant break from thinking about feeding anyone but myself.

It sounds like he doesn’t really care about food as such, if he’s only crazy about high status meaty stuff - he’s thinking more about the impression if the food than the taste or actual quality? In which case, there’s not much point trying to get an acknowledgment from him as it’s all meh if it’s not a gold plated steak. Maybe he should just do his own.

I think you need to start thinking that you’re cooking these nice meals for your self. And basically Thank yourself !!

I love cooking and when something is particularly nice I do say it out loud 🙂Luckily my husband is vocal about how much he enjoys my cooking.

Telling the cook "thank you that was lovely", is a 10 second job.

I pity anyone who thinks that is insincere and demanding.

It is absolutely the most basic of basic courtesies that my children have been reared with.

My husband would thank me for a sandwich, as I would him.

Really basic manners.

Certainly not a big deal in our house.

Cooking takes time, as does laundry, which I too expect a thank you for, from my near adult children, when I do it.

There are no laundry/cooking fairies in this house, these tasks take up someones time.

They are most welcome to take these tasks over, any time at all.

We always thank the cook! It’s a recognition of time and effort. However nightly effusive thanks no matter what would be very patronising.

You do sound very invested in your own skill. I don’t think producing a meal from the cupboard is magic, and I’ve not come across anyone who constantly boasts about ‘cooking from scratch’ who actually does (it’s a hassle to make your own pasta every time…..). A burger is not necessarily unhealthy, and even if it were, food is about both nutrition and pleasure.

If he doesn’t appreciate your effort and the two of you have vastly differently tastes maybe cook separately for a while.

Dh does most of the cooking in our house, and I do thank him and tell him it's nice, but I don't gush about it and heap loads of praise onto him. When I cook, he doesn't do that to me either. It would feel odd, almost false and OTT. It's like, yes it's nice, but what else do you want me to say? So long as the recipient isn't making yuk and sick noises and refusing to eat it, it's all good.

I knew as soon as OP mentioned her father ‘s compliments to her mother and her family culture of gratitude that half of mumsnet would attack her for wanting too much praise. I cooked pretty much every meal for 30 years and my husband and children always thank me and they always thank and praise the cook when its not me, too. For instance when my daughters cook for each other or for us. We all appreciate the effort and thought that go into meals .

if op’s DH doesn’t then stop cooking for him.

She said he does say thank you, this was nice.

She wants gusto and an ongoing fuss throughout the meal. She wants him to dramatically perform his gratefulness the way her step father did.

@WhatDoesMyFutureHold "My DH is the only one to cut the grass and put the bins out, I don't gush over it every time."
Does he do these things every night after a day's work?

Can you both come up with an sgreement where he regularly cooks, like once or twice a week. And he has to do the planning for it too?

Maybe it's not that tasty?!

He says thank you, I'm not sure what else you want?

My DH cooks quite a bit, if I actually love something I will say so repeatedly & if it's not great I will say. I made him a sandwich yesterday & he said "that was delicious, much nicer than the one the other day". I wasn't offended, it was true!

Haha love this! I’ve scaled back efforts massively lately and feel much less resentful most of the time and more appreciated when I do make an effort

Not really - you’ve just outlined two extremes. There’s a big difference between a forced thank you and just showing genuine appreciation

I grew up in a household where we all ate the food and didn’t thank the cook (my mum). My son will thank me when I give him his meal but he wouldn’t sit there and say how amazing it tasted. My ex was very honest and would sometimes say this is amazing Zanatdy or this is missing something etc. I used to feel rage when he would not like it when I’d spend ages cooking as I’d never say I didn’t like something when someone had cooked it for me.

So I get it, it doesn’t come naturally to him to thank and compliment you throughout the meal. Why not split the cooking more equally?

Nope. He’s not willing. If it’s his ‘turn’ its takeaway or eat out

I would absolutely hate a big fuss being made every night. How fake and condescending.

I agree. Maybe he doesn't like your food OP.
I don't mean that to insult your cooking OP, but we don't all like the same things.
I can't remember the last time I cooked for my OH. He cooks for me sometimes, but maybe only once a month or so.
Otherwise we sort out our own meals. We have unspoken agreements about budgets, so OH wouldn't buy a fillet steak fr himself for instance.

He enjoys meat heavy meals, but happy with cheaper cuts- last night he made himself a pork belly chinese thing.
I tend to eat a lot of plant based food, sometimes fish or seafood.
It's no big deal to eat different food

The pleasure of seeing the food I’ve cooked genuinely enjoyed?

It’s not always perfect, but it’s generally pretty good. I’m the first to say if it’s not quite right

But if he genuinely enjoyed it why would he look otherwise? to spite you?

The pleasure of seeing the food I’ve cooked genuinely enjoyed?

I too would be pissed off living with a husband who never showed any genuine appreciation of any meals I cooked, and who refused to make any meals himself, although expecting thanks every single meal wouldn't occur to me tbh. However, it's no good expecting to see genuine enjoyment of your home-cooked meals if the philistine only likes burgers and takeaways. If he doesn't enjoy it, he doesn't enjoy it. I'd just cook for yourself and your dc.