WIBU to have had a go at my Mum for food shaming?

[MrsHughesPinny]

My mother and I have always had a complex relationship. She’s very image conscious and I have pretty low self esteem when it comes to my appearance and relationships, but not in my working life, that’s the one place I feel confident.

We’re living together temporarily (I’m paying 50% towards bills, the folks are mortgage free) because I’m waiting for my new house to be finished and in the past month, I’ve had to ask her to stop with the negative comments and food shaming. I’m ashamed to say that this morning I completely went off at her.

She saw I’d had some toast last night, because she watches things like a hawk, down to slices of bread, and this morning said “I see you’ve been stuffing yourself with carbs again” I just went mad and told her I’ve repeatedly asked her not to say things like that. My weight is up and down a bit but I’m fit and healthy and I haven’t asked her for help or advice about it.

Here are some examples from just this month:

I showed her a lovely picture of my sister who has a busy job so we don’t see her much. Her first response to it? “God, she’s gone hell of a size!” She hasn’t.

DS15 - who is like a rake - was eating a normal sized bag of Maltesers and she said “pigging out again are we?” I pulled her up on it immediately because I don’t want DS exposed to that and she said she was just saying something normal and it’s not her fault that’s the way my “crazy brain heard it.”

I was about to go out to run some errands and got a can of pop out of the fridge to take with me. She said “stealing pop again, are you?” I said “given that I pay towards the bills no, but here, have it back.”

I made some breakfast (cereal) and went to sit down at the table with my computer to WFH and she said, I thought you said you were making an omelette for lunch, why are you eating cereal? Because it’s 8 a.m, not 1 p.m.

I’ve been NC with her before but it causes so much stress on the rest of the family I just try to suck it up but she really, really got to me this morning.

Am I being over-sensitive? How could I have handled this better? There’s such an atmosphere now.

I totally sympathise @MrsHughesPinny my mother is JUST like that.

She equates peoples size to…. I don’t know….but there is massive judgement going on in her head. She definitely comes from the generation where women especially were judged on their size. She often completely overdresses IMHO for stuff, but I don’t comment. If thats what makes her feel comfortable, I’m fine with that.

Ive struggled with my weight for the best part of 35 years. Eating out with her is some kind of competition on how little she can eat, while she fixates on my plate. We had a pub lunch for her birthday; I ordered baked cod with some mash and vegetables. I had an evening class that night, so had a ‘good’ lunch. I don’t really eat on that particular night due to timing.

She toyed with a starter of scallops… but then ate two bread rolls and all the butter, but not without commenting on what I’d eaten.

I’m off on holiday with her soon; more of a duty kind of thing, rather than actively wanting her to come. The eating bit is going to be a nightmare, and some of the retorts that others have come up with will be useful!

In fact, I’m thinking of having a chat with her before we go - otherwise we could end up having a massive bust up.

I feel sorry for your poor Dad. Why he hasn't left her yet is bemusing but at least you get to move out and keep her at arms length in a little while. She sounds absolutely awful. "Horrible Grandma".

Anyway, yes call her out on the food comments - what you eat is absolutely none of her business, it is a miracle you are sane growing up with that kind of parenting. Leave some flyers for therapists when you move out.

This and also what a good reply.

We have same with MIL - thinks everyone should thinner than thin, and probably wouldn't even be satisfied with that.
My DS still remembers when she forced a pudding on him, and he had to stand and reach over to get it from her and she commented "Why aren't you on a diet DS? " it's the tone it's said in that is particularly wounding. He was shocked at the way she said it - a boy who exercises nearly every day and plays 3 team sports. My other relative has had stand-up fights with her for comments to her DDs

But she won't change and they are all terrified to say anything.

Seriously? How shallow are you? I don’t have an eating disorder but I know if I did, my husband wouldn’t leave me due to it . Good god

@Ohyeahwaitaminute Blimey, steel yourself! I think I’d find that really hard. Trying out the local cuisine is one of my favourite parts of a holiday!

@kimchifix She is Aunty Val mixed with Horrible Grandma! That has just really cheered me up!

She’s acting as if nothing has happened this evening. Even berated me for “being antisocial” because I didn’t say much at dinner. Give me strength! 😭

How much longer have you got to be there OP?
Can you plan plenty of outings for yourself and DS?
I'd be eating out with him a few times a week so you can enjoy an unobserved meal.
Cinema Trips.
Just to break up the time you have to spend in conversations. Spending too much time together with out a break is what is making it feel worse.
Also.. can you watch an ipad in your room/or listen to podcast or have your nose stuck in a book to cut down on potential minefield conversations?
What about a weekend break somewhere?
That would definitely allow you time to breath a bit and make the time pass more quickly

Daffodils - I'm not shallow, although my post was more in support of the OP and somewhat tongue in cheek. No one here knows if the OPs mother actually has an eating disorder and no one knows what role the ops Dad has in helping her with it if she does. The point is that a) having an eating disorder doesn't give you free reign to treat other people like shit or body / food shame your own children and grandchildren and b) As an adult we assume does not have MH issues so significant that she can't function or be pleasant or have self control over what she actually says to people, she's out of order. The comment about the Dad was to do with the standing over him until he did her bidding. That must be exhausting to deal with.

My mum was a lot like this.

I resorted to just giving her a taste of her own medicine.

"Being a nasty cow again are we". If she gets upset tell her it's not your fault she takes everything so personally. Rinse and repeat.

Or just totally silent treatment. Like 100% pretend she does not exist.

She sounds like a complete narcissist (google signs of a narcissist) she has found our what pushes your buttons and will keep on because it gives her a sense of superiority. It’s not about food, it’s about her being a narcissist. Google groups/sites who offer ways to deal with it. My Mum was one. It took me 50 years to work it out.

@MrsHughesPinny

She’s acting as if nothing has happened this evening. Even berated me for “being antisocial” because I didn’t say much at dinner. Give me strength! 😭

I bet you can get an App added to your smartphone to count down each day until you are free of this tension and in your own home. 🌹

My father is like this. He always talks about how little he eats, how quickly he is losing weight. And always comments on how much fat / calories are in my meals or snacks when he's with me and how much of his daily percentage of calories it would equate too.

I've pulled I'm up on it, I'm overweight, obese even, so is my DH and sadly our 8 year old is a bit too. We're making positive changes to fix this though. But it's not nice to hear and makes me feel like shit. He said I'm only riled by it as it's touched a nerve. I told him no, that I don't want to talk about diets etc in front of my DD.

He still does it but I now immediately say "we don't talk about that here". I appreciate it won't be possible if you living in her house but as I understand what your going through

@kimchifix I don’t know if she has an eating disorder, she eats, exercises and is at a healthy weight but she does talk about weight a lot.

What I do know is that she’s incredibly critical of other women and very insecure. Tearing others down makes her feel better, I’ve seen it many, many times. With me, it’s my weight. She bullies and makes fun of my aunt (her sister) because she does her makeup in a way that could be described as quite dated.

She is controlling over everyone. It’s always got to be her way, right now, or the passive aggression kicks in. I just have to get better at not letting her rile me so much, at least for another month.

She’s my Mum and I love her, but this behaviour is really hard for me. I’ve had lifelong issues with self esteem because of it. But when I try to explain that to her she says I’m blaming her for my “craziness” (her word) and over sensitivity when it’s just a character failing on my part because I’m not tough enough to take criticism.

It's Easter hols soon. I'd try to get away for a couple of weeks with your DS, even if it's renting a caravan.

My mum is exactly the same with identical issues and like you my main concern is it affecting the children. So I'd ignore or (head tilt) "are you sure you're ok mum" the comments to me, but say "that's not an acceptable thing to say, the children eat healthily" if she even dares to comment about my children. It's why she never ever has my kids alone.

I would definitely have a word with DS and let him know that she has disordered thinking around food and that shouldn't affect his behaviour, and I would continue to call her out on it such as "mum we all know you have food issues, don't take it out on us".

Massive sympathy and hope you can survive!

@Miajk I’m going to try that one. DS has already started making fun of her to me because she does do that “…are we?” thing and he loves those exchanges between Miranda Hart and Sarah Hadland on the Miranda sitcom. 😂

OP, basically your mum is a mean girl and hasn’t grown out of it. I’d be refusing to entertain any of her nonsense and I would call her out on it every single time.
Your mum is a bully and the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them.

Keep on as you are OP.

I don’t think the advice to joke along / oink etc is at all helpful. She needs telling straight that you’re tired of listening to her comments about people’s weight and diets because it’s judgemental and unkind, and that if it continues you will be ending conversations / asking her to leave etc. Why should you listen to this nasty crap?!

It doesn't sound like this is new behaviour - you chose to live with her; doesn't sound as if she is going to change anytime soon; move out.

I don't agree with some of the retorts people have suggested - they're all either having a go back at her or come across as you being defensive and explaining yourself.

I couldn't be arsed with either tbh.

Every single time she made a remark ending with "...... are we?" My reply would simply be "yep" and I'd carry on with whatever I was doing.

She'd get no other engagement from me on the matter.

My mother is like this a narcissist it's draining. Just think you get to escape your dad, however won't

Jeez,she sounds like a bloody nightmare.

You won't change her. When she makes a comment just look at her and then go back to eating whatever you were eating. Ignoring this is the best way to deal with it. Tell your son that his grandmother has some issues about food and he should ignore them.

This! As a previous poster said: even a possible eating disorder doesn‘t give her the right to be a nasty bully and say things she fully well knows are really hurtful to others.

I‘m afraid her behaviour would also make me want to bring back nice cakes and very greasy take-aways for you, your DS and DF a few times a week. Yes, I realise it‘s childish, but her face would be priceless.

Just remember, she’s a person like every other person. She just happens to be your mum, which makes it pinch more and which makes it harder to disengage. But focus on the “person like every person”. She sounds hugely insecure about her appearance, and in a very basic, unsophisticated way, puts others down to make herself feel better. It’s about her, all these comments are by an insecure woman trying to make herself feel better - no, the best. Control freakery 101. Pity her, for she needs pitying. It’s all you can do really for someone this entrenched in her ways.

God she sounds insufferable. Honestly? I'd be sitting her down & explaining very firmly that if she didn't pack it in, then she'd not be seeing DS again, as I would NOT tolerate that around my child - male or female. Nor would I tolerate the subsequent Gaslighting that its just how you took it. That you're the problem

I remember the child psychologist who assessed my DD for Autism, saying that behaviours are things children & adolescents pick up subconsciously from those whom they spend a lot of time around, meaning they're not aware of it. I would be very concerned that even after making it clear to DS that it's totally wrong, that he'd be still influenced by it in some small way. Especially as you're living there right now.