WIBU to have had a go at my Mum for food shaming?

[MrsHughesPinny]

My mother and I have always had a complex relationship. She’s very image conscious and I have pretty low self esteem when it comes to my appearance and relationships, but not in my working life, that’s the one place I feel confident.

We’re living together temporarily (I’m paying 50% towards bills, the folks are mortgage free) because I’m waiting for my new house to be finished and in the past month, I’ve had to ask her to stop with the negative comments and food shaming. I’m ashamed to say that this morning I completely went off at her.

She saw I’d had some toast last night, because she watches things like a hawk, down to slices of bread, and this morning said “I see you’ve been stuffing yourself with carbs again” I just went mad and told her I’ve repeatedly asked her not to say things like that. My weight is up and down a bit but I’m fit and healthy and I haven’t asked her for help or advice about it.

Here are some examples from just this month:

I showed her a lovely picture of my sister who has a busy job so we don’t see her much. Her first response to it? “God, she’s gone hell of a size!” She hasn’t.

DS15 - who is like a rake - was eating a normal sized bag of Maltesers and she said “pigging out again are we?” I pulled her up on it immediately because I don’t want DS exposed to that and she said she was just saying something normal and it’s not her fault that’s the way my “crazy brain heard it.”

I was about to go out to run some errands and got a can of pop out of the fridge to take with me. She said “stealing pop again, are you?” I said “given that I pay towards the bills no, but here, have it back.”

I made some breakfast (cereal) and went to sit down at the table with my computer to WFH and she said, I thought you said you were making an omelette for lunch, why are you eating cereal? Because it’s 8 a.m, not 1 p.m.

I’ve been NC with her before but it causes so much stress on the rest of the family I just try to suck it up but she really, really got to me this morning.

Am I being over-sensitive? How could I have handled this better? There’s such an atmosphere now.

Every time she makes a food related critical remark, tick it off on an imaginary bingo card. Shout 'line' occasionally and then 'bingo!' very loudly.

i dont understand why so many people are trying to blame the OP for moving in temporarily with her folks....isnt that what people do to help each other in a fix - especially short term? Where is she going to get a decent two month rental? The issue and the fault are not hers for accepting her dads offer of help - the fault lies with her nasty, judgy, food-obsessed mother. OP, you havent done anything wrong. In fact, losing your temper and confronting your mum with how iappropriate her comments are, are probably doing wider society a service. I bet you its not confined to you and your sister, people get sniggered and sneered at and judged everywhere she goes for daring to enjoy food. She sounds awful.

I think I’d speak to my kids and explain their grandmother has issues with food and doesn’t have a healthy relationship. I’d explain that as a family you do, and unfortunately it means that when you’re there they will be subject to unhealthy comments from her, don’t use the word shaming, as it indicates there is something to be shamed about. The comments could be about size, appearance or consumption habits.

explain to them that if anything she says makes them feel uncomfortable or upset, to talk to you. But to try very hard to not let it impact them or the food decisions they make, to recognise she isn’t well,and that you all need to bear that in mind, including you, so you do not show your frustration any more.

I would put ear defenders on. 😁. And start humming.

YANBU but why why why did you move in with her and (apparently) with your kids? She clearly has a massive issue with food but at the end of the day it is her house and, really, could you not have seen this one coming? It amazes me how many people have completely disfunctional relationships with their parents but somehow feel that it will all be fine if they move in for months/ let them babysit their kids. And you’re a grown adult, with kids, no-one but you gets to decide where you live. Can you get an Airbnb until your place is ready? I don’t think she’s going to change and it’s not really fair on your kids to stay and witness either pass ag comments about food or massive rows in response.

Well, clearly your dm has issues around food. She is vocal about your food choices and it sounds annoying? Presumably you understood all this before you moved in with her? She wasn't going to have a personality transplant because your home is being done

My DM had the same kind of mindset.

It worked (sometimes) for me to think of it as internalised misogyny rather than her true opinion, thinking of her as a victim made it somehow more bearable.

This is indeed where it comes from, and it's not really that long ago when the mindset was much more widespread across women. Plenty of young people still consider that their looks esp in pictures are the most important thing in their lives.

I know it's wrong, you know it's wrong. We are dismantling the patriarchy one person at s time. It's just taking a bit longer with some people. Good luck.

She has an eating disorder and her comments are horrendous.

I'm not sure why your dad's "insistence" on your living there is relevant: you are an adult. I would prioritise getting out of there.

You just need to roll your eyes a bit more at her. Loudly!

Absolutely fine to call out when she says something offensive, but it's never a good luck for an adult living rent free on mumsnet to come on complaining about their DPs.

Ignore her. Completely. I would act as though she isn't even there.

Stay out of the house as much as possible, and stay in your room when you have to be there. Go NC the second you're able to leave.

Agree with this, and maybe have a cupboard/mini fridge in your room so she doesn't know what food you have/when you have it

Luckily for the op, she isn't staying rent free, which you would know if you bothered to read her very first post.

@Aquamarine1029 she is paying 50% of bills but no rent.

She is paying "rent" by paying half of the bills. Your post insinuates that she's living there for free, mooching off of her parents, and that is simply not the case.

Thank you to all of those trying to stick up for me regarding the rights and wrongs of my accepting an offer to stay with them while our new house is being finished. It was a decision I made trying to do the right thing for my and DS’s future.

Apparently this is the price I pay for that convenience, and I respect everyone’s opinion but I was asking specifically about handling the food issue.

This.

No, she just sounds horrible. Having an ED doesn't make you behave in that way. She might have an ED, but we can't tell just from what OP has said.

Nonsense. Living at home and paying half the bills doesn’t mean you need to lay down and take whatever shites coming your way. That’s doormat talk. The op is asking a valid question on how to handle this in a mature manner.

Personally, since you've made the decision to live there already I would eat in private. Buy breakfast bars and eat them in your room. Keep snacks in your room for in between meals. Eat around her as little as possible.

Go about your business there wearing headphones. You can’t get riled up (totally valid though) if you can’t hear her.

She obviously has a problem with food. Don't make it yours.

I think you’re doing the absolute sensible thing by moving in for a bit, it’s easy to forget how awful people can be until you’re back with them full time.. don’t let it get you down though, you’re on the up and up.

ive experienced this with step mum, she was extremely shallow, but I think you’re problem may be more complex.. especially with her accusing you of ‘stealing’ food, that sounds odd to me, are you sure she’s happy with the food arrangements and it’s more to do with that rather than her personally attacking you? Who does the shopping? It seems to me that she’s trying to be controlling because it’s her house and her food (as she sees it). The easiest thing is to take the control away from her.

If this was me, I’d be putting a fridge in my own space In the house and buying mine and DC own food myself and keeping it separate, especially snacks.

then If she starts in about anything, pull a ‘killing eve’ on her, shove a mouthful of whatever in you gob and just shout ‘BORRRRIIIINNNGGGGGGG!’while spraying her with crumbs!

or if you’re feeling particularly arsed off just laugh and say ‘I’d hate to be like you, it must be exhausting being so controlling’ and don’t engage any further.

only a couple of months left to go!

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the thoughtful suggestions and solidarity!

@sandyhappypeople So true, I haven’t lived with her for 20 years! I often offer to cook for everyone because I love cooking but she has only taken me up on it a few times. She’s quite defensive over the kitchen and doesn’t like “people touching things and messing it up” so it can be tricky.

There are definite wider control issues. Yesterday, my Dad was watching something on TV and she wanted him to do something non urgent, just put something up on a high shelf. The thing had been out since earlier in the day and he asked to wait for the last 15 minutes of the programme. She stood at the end of the sofa for five minutes, then clattered as noisily as possible in the kitchen getting a dining chair to stand on to put it up herself because he hadn’t done it exactly when she told him to. It’s so draining.

My Mum too.
"Are you going to eat that?"
"If I ate that much I'd be huge"
And so on ad infinitum. Its not got better with age.