WIBU to have had a go at my Mum for food shaming?

[MrsHughesPinny]

My mother and I have always had a complex relationship. She’s very image conscious and I have pretty low self esteem when it comes to my appearance and relationships, but not in my working life, that’s the one place I feel confident.

We’re living together temporarily (I’m paying 50% towards bills, the folks are mortgage free) because I’m waiting for my new house to be finished and in the past month, I’ve had to ask her to stop with the negative comments and food shaming. I’m ashamed to say that this morning I completely went off at her.

She saw I’d had some toast last night, because she watches things like a hawk, down to slices of bread, and this morning said “I see you’ve been stuffing yourself with carbs again” I just went mad and told her I’ve repeatedly asked her not to say things like that. My weight is up and down a bit but I’m fit and healthy and I haven’t asked her for help or advice about it.

Here are some examples from just this month:

I showed her a lovely picture of my sister who has a busy job so we don’t see her much. Her first response to it? “God, she’s gone hell of a size!” She hasn’t.

DS15 - who is like a rake - was eating a normal sized bag of Maltesers and she said “pigging out again are we?” I pulled her up on it immediately because I don’t want DS exposed to that and she said she was just saying something normal and it’s not her fault that’s the way my “crazy brain heard it.”

I was about to go out to run some errands and got a can of pop out of the fridge to take with me. She said “stealing pop again, are you?” I said “given that I pay towards the bills no, but here, have it back.”

I made some breakfast (cereal) and went to sit down at the table with my computer to WFH and she said, I thought you said you were making an omelette for lunch, why are you eating cereal? Because it’s 8 a.m, not 1 p.m.

I’ve been NC with her before but it causes so much stress on the rest of the family I just try to suck it up but she really, really got to me this morning.

Am I being over-sensitive? How could I have handled this better? There’s such an atmosphere now.

Jesus, she’s poison.

You just need to start dropping your own comments in linked to her appearance to get her doubting herself.

OP - "have you got a hair cut booked soon"
OP mum - "No, why do you ask"
OP - "oh no reason, just thought you might have one in".

OP - "Do you want me to add some moisturises on to the shop im getting
OP mum - "No, why do you ask"
OP - "oh no reason, just thought you had run out".

Just move out.

I couldn't live with my DPs and they're pleasant enough people.
Why you thought this would work out when you already went NC for some time is anyone's guess.

Skinnermarink well that was helpful!!

She sounds like a pain but also like she has an eating disorder. If you hate her so much don't take advantage of her and stand on your own two feet.

This type of comment isn't helpful. I had the same comments when I was in a similar situation. I'm not sure where you live, but I don't know of anywhere that'll accept a 1-2 month rental super last-minute, that's if you even have the money to do so in the first place.

OP I'd just buy my own food, keep it separate and completely ignore any comments. Don't even respond, it's not worth it. I'd also buy a calendar and tick off the days til I could move! Good luck :)

Trying a different tack, after your jibe about the OP living ‘rent free’ in her parents’ home went wrong?

Her dad insisted, he obviously wanted to help her out after her divorce.

Aquamarine1029 off of?!

I'd look her straight in the eye and tell my dc to carry on. I'd do that a couple of times, so she can't deny these moments in the future. then suggest she come for a walk with you and talk to her about her eating disorder and whether she has discussed it with her gp. Older women do need to be very careful to eat a great balance of food due to thinning bones etc. Anyone overly wary of a true balance is putting their health ay a high risk. Tell your dad you plan to as well. Essentially a mini 'intervention'. But then if you've been NC in the past maybe she's just not worth engaging with.

People are very quick to jump on 'fat shaming ' but don't have much sympathy the other way.

Your mum has disordered eating. It's not really her fault either. Just do as your dad says and ignore her. People who eat like this just see things differently . Viewed through the lens of necessity, most eating is greed (except most of us eat for some sort of enjoyment).

Just tell her you are looking after your bone health and change the subject. She might be wrong but you're not going to change her so getting frustrated will only hurt you

I think I'd just keep saying "why did you never seek help over your distorted ideas around food mum?"

Goodness! Some strong opinions about my living situation!

@SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain At no point did I say I hated her. I find some of her behaviours incredibly challenging and I am not the only one. Even her friends have pulled her up on the things she says about people. It’s not limited to body shape/size. She often says mean things about people’s dress, hair, makeup etc too.

@rookiemere The NC was a fair while ago and I thought our relationship had improved sufficiently/boundaries were in place.

Thanks again to everyone who has offered a helpful suggestion. I’ve calmed down a bit now, I just find her saying these sorts of things really triggering and while I’ve been trying to ignore the comments it all built up this morning and the steam had to escape!

I am advocating for my son, and have told him in no uncertain terms that she is in the wrong.

You have a choice. Each time she says something you state that’s rude please don’t do it again and walk away and out of the room

or find air bnb and move there for a few weeks

Mil is like this

As a similar height to her, she is very competitive with under eating and dress sizes. When I lost weight for my wedding she was raging 😂

Now I'm probably about a size bigger than her and she loves it. Part of me wants to lose a couple of stone just to piss her off again. Probably need a healthier incentive than that though? !

Have only read OP, but fuck that! Of course YANBU!you’ve gone NC before and for good reason. Fuck what the rest of the family think/say. They need to “get it” and if they don’t get it, they can ftfo too.

life is too short to put up with this and watch her do it to your kids too

her language sounds dreadful.
how much longer do you have to stay with her?

It’s too late to be able to move out now because it’ll be tough to find somewhere for such a short space of time, and moving twice in a few months will be a huge hassle so you are probably going to have to put up and shut up.

However, I totally sympathise with you and I really think diet culture did a number on a generation of women who were valued and judged by their proximity to thinness. My mother feels like she is being loving by ‘saving’ people from the indignity of being fat, but has never once stopped to examine her own behaviour and why she responds to things as she does.

Try and find ways of eating when she’s not around if you can, and then when you move into your new house you can eat in peace.

How about pretending you haven't heard her? Studious (and very obvious) ignoring drives people nuts. They much prefer you to rise to the bait.

You know that the clock is ticking and by the summer you will be moving soft furnishings around your beautiful new home and this will be semi forgotten - or it will remind you to avoid the Poisonous One. In the meantime, smile and nod and whisper "fuck off Mother " under your breath and imagine a pillow over someone's face until the legs stop kicking........

And I speak as one who HAS gone NC with her parents for exactly this kind of thing.

life is better without them

perhaps you and your ds are getting on her nerves?
she is not used to having you there?

anyway, not much longer now op, good luck
it is Her issue, dont make it yours.

Have you tried sitting her down properly to talk about it and how it makes you feel?

Also, you mentioned wfh. I'd be getting with someone around a lot, can you go into the office?

I think I'd be giving her the gimlet eye and saying "I think we all know I'm not the one with the food issues..."

Your living situation sounds totally logical BTW, if not ideal.

@Willmafrockfit Unfortunately, this issue has been going on to varying degrees since I was about 11. Same with my sisters. Appearance definitely correlates with value in her mind.

@SteveBuscemisRheumyEye I do usually work in the office and she works outside the home too. That day I was staying in to wait for a delivery for my Dad because my job is the most flexible.